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Marriage ended after 27 years. This is "My Death".

(874 Posts)
mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 12:43:19

My husband left 4 weeks ago after I found some dubious e-mails to another woman he works with. I have posted about this on another thread, but still need the support from all you lovely ladies out there.
I asked him to go to his mum's after I went mad screaming and shouting and both of us crying. He went to his mum's, then round to my parents explaining himself and accepting all the blame.
I still let him in the house later that night and we both sat talking and crying about how we would get over this, then he collected some things and went back to his mothers.
I phoned him the next morning demanding the ow mob number but he would not give it to me as he said i would jeapardise his job if she went to his boss. We were both still crying and he asked what to get for his breakfast as his mum only has fried food and he likes to keep fit and eat well so he went to shop to buy that and washing powder for his clothes.
He also came up later that afternoon and we both talked some more. He said he had been very flattered by the attentions of this high powered business woman and had got carried away, swore there was nothing physical.
He told me he would give me her mob number once I had calmed down and to be careful what to say to her as it would cost him his job. he said he would give it to me the next morning whilst on the train as he was away for a few days on a business meeting.
Next morning he phoned and gave me her number, I put it in the drawer as after all the trauma I could not face calling her, was in no state to do so. later that evening after another sleepless night, he phoned sounding like his normal self, and I told him I had not contacted her, but he probably knew that as she would have phoned him if I had.
I then asked him when he was coming home and he said he wasn't. he said it was so out of character for him to do that and that the blinkers had been taken off his eyes and that he must have been very unhappy to have done it in the first place.
I got very upset, begged him to come home, but he won't. He is staying at his mum's. I ended up in hospital after trying to end it all. Can't imagine life without him. And now he wants to settle all our financial affairs and divorce. Am distraught. We have two daughters, one is sitting her Higher exams right now and the other is expecting a baby. They have been so wonderful, they are so strong, told me I am better without him. He had been treating me badly weeks before and I knew something was "off", that was why I had looked at his phone.
He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. And that I would make his life hell as I would now be paranoid and forever questioning what he is doing.
He says he has no energy left, nothing to give, and that my health problems have drained him. I have anxiety and stress. But it is not as if he was a carer, I did most things for him! He doesn't know what he wants, but he knows he does not want "this.
I am devastated, cannot do this anymore. Have been a mess, shaking stuttering, he was over Frid night and said he is never coming back and that we will be divorcing.
How do I do this? How can I live without him? We have been married for 27 years, ever since we were 15 years old.
I always had a feeling I would die early, in my forties, and this is it, this is "my death", I will never get over this. It is getting worse.

MumnGran Sun 12-May-13 16:58:12

Classic behaviour MrsM ....... turning it into your fault, that this has happened.
It is not. Do not believe it for an instant.
Stay strong, and hang onto anger. It is the one thing which will see you through.

deste Sun 12-May-13 17:37:32

You can do this and you must for your dd's, this is an important part of you daughters education and also the pregnant daughter is probably so excited, try not to spoil it for her. I'm not being heartless when I say this but when the baby arrives I suspect you will start to feel a lot better. I take it you are in Scotland.

mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 20:38:09

I did have anger for a while, but after seeing him am now feeling griefstricken again. I think I cope better in my anger stage. yes we are in Scotland.
We were going to take our grandchild to Disney, he said to me that I will need to do this on my own now! Well, firstly I could not manage on my own, due to health probs, and secondly I will now never have the money to do this. Part of me thinks I will also never forgive him for doing this at this stage in our lives, but it was just because he was "caught".
What kind of man does this when his youngest is about to sit important exams and his eldest daughter is pregnant?
Wish I could be angry again.

MumnGran Sun 12-May-13 21:00:04

It will come.
This is a stage where one see-saws through emotions, but I can already hear the "mother hen" in you is starting to assert itself. Believe me, you will access anger very easily on your daughters' behalf.

mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 21:10:35

Mumn, yes I hope to get angry on my daughters' behalf again. He has been seeing them on a Frid night for a while at my eldests flat. But he is so shattered with work as he will be throwing himself into it and just sits and naps.
he saw my eldest daughter for a little while yesterday, told her he loved her, asked if she needed anything for herself or the baby and had tears in his eyes as he gave her a cuddle as he was leaving. This is so odd for him, he would never normally do that. Think it is the guilt.

UterusUterusGhali Sun 12-May-13 21:11:52

You will feel the anger again, because grief is not linear. the best thing MN taught me when I was going through this, was that it's normal to feel this fucked up.
I thought I was dying.
If the ladies here hadn't told me to expect that I would have been terrified.

I so feel for you xx

mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 21:17:04

That's exactly it Uterus, I feel like I am dying. But have promised my daughters I will not do anything daft after last time. My eldest told me that the nurse wanted her to sign the papers to have me committed, but my daughter brought me back from the brink. I was then assessed and told it was shock, grief and trauma. I will never get over this, but have to try and live for my lovely girls and grandchild.

eatmydust Sun 12-May-13 21:39:03

Yes, it is 'normal' to feel this fucked up - and also to see no way through the pain. And as more revelations come out, or anniversaries of special times come round, more waves of the pain come. Be prepared for that. But each time they are quicker to pass and less intense.

Please believe me you will get through this, and although the imprint of the cruelty (because that is what this is) will always be with you, the pain won't be. It really does ease off and you start to want to live, not just for your lovely girls and grandchild and other grandchildren still to come -but for yourself.

I was where you are nearly nine years ago. Teenage sweetheart, two kids, got through the years of having no money and changing nappies and just starting to have time for ourselves, had time together at last after over 20 years but then he initially starts being nasty, then creating arguments, then violence.... I honestly thought he was having a breakdown... then he leaves to stay with a friend... then it all comes out about an OW. I remember lying awake all night and just praying to die and then being amazed at the sunrise... I didn't understand how the sun could come up when the world had just ended.

Anyway.. nearly nine years later. Have had no contact at all with Ex for several years and had extremely limited contact prior to that. It helps. Had various meltdowns with the DCs over the years, all related to the divorce, but we've got through it. DCs lives are probably different than they could have been (and I do blame him for that) but they are happy. My life is different, but I am happy. I have had relationships, I have made some fantastic new friends, who will be friends for life, I've travelled to amazing places..... I have got through it. I wouldn't want him back ever. I mourn for the family I lost, and I always will, but a lot of that is from my expectations as my Dad died when I was young and I never really experienced family life. I also know now that I can never replicate that in another relationship - older DCs and blended families don't really work. But now I live for me. I have wobbles still - not very often, had one this weekend, but I'm through it now.

It takes time. But there is a new life out there, it is a different life, maybe not the one you expected. It really can be a very good life.

PenelopePortrait Sun 12-May-13 21:45:52

Mrsmciver you can do it and do it for you. Do not let anyone have control over you. As shit as it is, you will get through it. I would not give anyone the upper hand in seeing me crumble.

You will get over it and you will look back and think why did I think that losing him made me think my life was over?

MadameOvary Sun 12-May-13 21:52:40

You ask how you do this, how you cope. First of all understand that you ARE coping. Horrific as it feels, you have posted on here, you have kept breathing, kept putting one foot in front of the other, even though you feel that the breath has been punched from your body.

There is no skipping grief, it must be borne. You ARE doing this, even if you feel you aren't. Your feelings are unfolding as they should. Grief assaults you hundreds of times a day, it comes in waves and just when you think it is lessening something else will trigger it. You wonder how the world can just carry on while you feel you are losing your mind. Sorry if this sounds bleak but it is normal.

The mind has to process what is happening, and once the shock wears off, the processes begin. I dont want to sound dispassionate or clinical, I know how it feels when a long relationship ends like this, and I found it very useful to understand what was going on my mind. Knowing that I a) wasn't going crazy and b) that there were sympathetic people out there was a huge huge comfort.

You have been with him since you were 15, so a huge part of your emerging identity will have been tangled up in your relationship. You may feel like he has ripped away a part of you and taken it with him. The good news is that he's welcome to it, you are about to set out out on an exciting new journey. It might not be one you want right now but in a year's time I predict you will feel very different.

I am in Scotland too OP, feel free to PM me to see if I am near you. I'd be happy to meet you for a coffee if it helps.

LemonPeculiarJones Sun 12-May-13 22:07:47

Have nothing to add to all the wisdom and advice already given but just wanted to say - hang in there, mrsm.

Your daughters love you, your gc love you. This is not a death, this is a rebirth - you have a new life free of your lying, unfaithful ex. A rebirth that is horribly painful right now but that pain will pass.

You are so young and have so much life to live. You have choices, options, freedom. You will be fine. Better than fine.

Keep posting, keep seeking support in RL, keep your feelings flowing whatever they are - keep on expressing yourself.

Sending strength.

flowers

comingintomyown Sun 12-May-13 22:43:13

Just keep posting so many of us do understand and unless you have been through it you dont really. It is unspeakable and a world of pain you didnt know existed. As already said there are no shortcuts through the recovery either.

Truly though life will carry on and you will be happy again

skyebluesapphire Mon 13-May-13 00:01:19

I remember you from the other thread. You have had some great advice already. I am twelve months on, but still grieving for the loss of the future I thought I had and also for the memories he has destroyed as I no longer know what was real and what was fake. I can't believe it has happened and it is hard to accept. Those are all the things that you go through because they are too cowardly to deal with things properly.

Don't let your H make you feel this is your fault. That is what they do when they are caught out. It's about his deceit not your snooping.

If he wants to divorce ASAP then there are only a couple of reasons you can use or else you have to wait two years. You don't have to do what he wants and you can defend any reasons he comes up with. It's not all about what he wants. I think he is hiding something that he doesn't want to come out.

Twelve months in I do still have times of despair, but I am also so much further on than I was last year. It is a grief process that you have to go through and everybody does it in their own time too, there is no timetable.

It's an old old cliche but time really is the only healer.

Selba Mon 13-May-13 00:21:42

Do women do what your husband did? I daresy some somewhere might but I have never heard of any. But I know several men who have done exactly this.

What is it with these men? Why can't they communicate if they are having problems ? How are they able to act so normal and loving one minute then walk away the next?

A friend who had been married almost 20 years was recently left by her husband and father of 3 v young children. She had no idea anything was wrong. Zero.she was very happy and it seemed he was too. There was no " instinct" something was amiss. He brought her champagne and chocolates one Sunday and came he from work on the Tuesday, did not take off his coat , and told her he was leaving. How can people do this?

On a positive note, Op, 2 years on she is well into recovering and is once again happy. But none the wiser about what he was all about.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-May-13 06:37:47

"I will never get over this, but have to try and live for my lovely girls and grandchild."

You really will get over this at some point. To misquote 'Casablanca'.... maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but sooner than you think. As someone said earlier, you are actually coping right now, even if it feels rubbish.

Being unable to work is a disadvantage, especially if you're home alone all day and have too much opportunity to mull things over and over. That process of 'wallowing', whilst unavoidable to an extent, is not particularly constructive as you can get mired in it.

What could you do that will get you out of the house? What could you do that would hold your attention... an absorbing activity or hobby perhaps? Are you part of any social groups.. a book club, exercise class, night-school? And - however difficult - plan something ahead. Could be lunch with a DD on Sunday, a weekend with a friend in the summer, or even that trip to Disneyland... which I'm sure is possible if you set your mind to it. It's important to take your future in hand and start to shape it yourself.... this all helps the healing process.

BalloonSlayer Mon 13-May-13 06:51:18

So sorry for what you are going through.

Some very wise advice on hear.

I would only add to practise some responses when he tries to blame you.

"He said I totally overreacted when I found the e-mails, and the hatred I showed on my face he will never forget. But it was the devastation." You have been with another woman. You have been unfaithful to me. NOTHING would have been an overreaction. You don't like seeing my reaction to your hideous behaviour? - blame yourself.

"He has said he can't forgive me for looking at his phone and have now destroyed all trust. " You were shagging another woman and clearly not going to tell me the truth. YOU have destroyed all trust, which is why I needed to look at your phone, to get the truth, as it was never going to come from you. Don't you ever dare throw YOUR lies and deceit in my face again.

Or something better. Practice it, so you don't splutter when you get the opportunity to say it.

Joy5 Mon 13-May-13 14:25:00

eatmydust - You've just described the ending of my marriage, and yes there was another woman.

Thanks to everyone who has posted their experiences post divorce, i'm 18 months from being separated, been struggling a bit the last week or so, finally sorting the finances, and have seen my ex's bank statements of the last 12 months, hes barely spent a penny on our two youngest sons, but hes bought season tickets presumably for his gf's sons and spent money on takeaways etc for them.

Just so upset on my son's behalf, can't tell them, but just can't understand how a loving caring father walks away from his two surviving sons to spend more time with another woman's children when one of his own children is dead. xx

mrsmciver Mon 13-May-13 22:09:06

Sorry I have taken so long to get back to you all. Saw him Frid night to try to sort out finances, but have drastically regressed since then. I slept for 1 1/2 hours last night and was woken up by wailing. It was myself, I was like a wounded animal in my sleep.
I was meant to go to the bank with him tomorrow to sort out the money, but told him I couldn't face it. He got really nasty, threatening and abusive. Told me "the gloves were off" and he was going to get nasty. My sister and daughter was there, and they were really shocked at how awful he was. I was going to go into the bank for a separate appointment to do this, just could not do it with him. Did not think I was being that unreasonable. But he said I renaged on what I said on friday night. He is right I did agree to go with him, but had such a hellish weekend after seeing him I did not want to disgrace myself in the bank too! So said I would do it separately.
Thank you for all your lovely words, they are a comfort and do help. I have been such a worry to my family and friends, I can see even they are beginning to look strained with it all. They have been so wonderful, to me and the girls. Will never forget how they have supported and helped us, been amazing. Must have done something right to have such good friends too.

mrsmciver Mon 13-May-13 22:19:27

Thank you all for such wise words on here, it does give me hope. I keep getting different excuses from him. None of it makes sense enough to leave his family. He has said he will be at his parents for a year till all the money gets settled. But he will finally get his own house, but he has no friends through here. He will go to football and the gymn but then what? he does not drink so what will he do with his time?
I cannot imagine he will be on his own for long. I think he is looking for a career woman. But as one pal said, who is one, if he thinks he will be coming home at night and his dinner is on the table and expect to be pandered to then he has got another think coming! Another woman will also have "baggage", and he does not particularly like children! He loves his own but he does not have patience with others.
Was I that awful to live with? I think he thinks the grass will be greener the other side, maybe it will be, but hopefully not for him.

badinage Mon 13-May-13 22:23:28

What kind of man does this when his youngest is about to sit important exams and his eldest daughter is pregnant?

The kind of man who's been having an affair and rather than admitting it and taking the blame for it, has convinced himself his behaviour is entirely justified and it is all someone else or some thing's fault. The someone else will be you of course and in the worst cases, the kids as well and the some thing else will be the thunderbolt he alleges happened when he met the OW.

It's likely that he's been planning this for a long time so he's stolen a march on you. It's also likely he's in cahoots with an OW who's pressing him to get the finances sewn up PDQ so that they can move on ahead with their plans.

This bloke's a liar. He would never have left if he hadn't already slept with someone else and there's no way he's not having a relationship with her.

Don't you dare be rushed or press-ganged by this lying shit into doing anything. Get your own legal advice and take things at your own pace.

Does your illness prevent you from working at all? Are you referring to your stress and anxiety or are there mobility/other health issues?

mrsmciver Mon 13-May-13 22:34:36

Badinage, yes I do have other health issues, that prevent me from working. I am in pain such a lot with muscle problems.
I really am not sure if he is seeing this ow. She works so far away, has her own companies and young children. I think he has a tick list of his own.
Got rid of wife. tick
Change direct debits. tick
Change council tax. tick

I think he has this list in his head of things to do, and is pressing on ahead to do them. Really am not sure there is an ongoing affair, as we live in Scotland and she lives in the north of England. But what do I know anymore? And with him saying he will be at his mothers for another year....

MadameOvary Mon 13-May-13 23:29:04

He says he will be at his mother's for another year but what he probably means is that he will use it as a base from which he will go see OW. Take anything he says with a large pinch of salt. Just keep yourself and your finances safe.

eatmydust Mon 13-May-13 23:33:37

mrsmciver have you seen a solicitor? I know it seems a really final step to take, but it would be better to get some advice before he starts making financial arrangements. Yes, he's obviously got a tick list and for some reason doesn't want to delay anything - if he is staying at his mothers what is the rush?? Do things when you feel ready too- but I would take legal advice first, especially as he is being abusive and threatening.

joy5 it's the script- they all do the same thing. Uncanny, but they do.

badinage Mon 13-May-13 23:39:49

I'm sorry to read about your poor health. Will you qualify for any help as a lone parent with disabilities and no adult carer?

Afraid that sort of distance, opportunity and even young children do not preclude an affair. Is she in a relationship herself? Often these blokes protect a married OW by not admitting to an affair, as much as they protect their own reputations and the risk of an OW's husband coming after them. The evidence is all there anyway. You know he was having an affair from the E mails you found.

I think it's better to accept that and not to believe any of his lies to the contrary. It might help you to get angry instead of shocked and in denial. Anger's great if you use it well and to your best advantage, such as making sure he doesn't shaft you and your daughters financially.

springymater Tue 14-May-13 12:21:47

I'm so sorry you are going through this awful time. Please hold on - it won't get better overnight but, miracle of miracles, it does get better. I don't know how, but it does.

In the meantime just get through each day (hour, minute). Try not to think - you won't be able to stop yourself but try to keep your eye on not thinking too much iyswim. You have very good support around you - what a blessing - and people will hold you as you make your way through this awful time.

I'm sorry to hear he's being such a shit. Unbelievable. He is as guilty as hell and putting it on 'you' - I say that because it has nothing to do with you, all him.

I'm so sorry. Keep going, one foot in front of the other xxxx

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