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Why does abuse escalate after children?

(41 Posts)
BonaDrag Sat 11-May-13 23:01:21

This has happened to me; severe verbal and emotional abuse.

Looking back it was always simmering but so, so much worse and more frequent since DD(1).

Any ideas why?

phoenix2 Fri 17-May-13 12:25:18

my p started EA and VA practically the minute i got pregnant. couldnt understand wtf was going on. it took me two dc's and five years and Lundy's book to realise what it is.
i second and see my exP in all of the posts. abusers are so complicated in some ways and so terribly simple in others. theirs motives are simple really - anything that affects them and their sense of entitlement even the slightest thing seems to give them them the perceived right to abuse their partner. they cant empahtise with pain/fear/illness -they only see themselves and their needs and feelings in every situation.

BonaDrag Wed 15-May-13 21:04:47

I would advise anyone going through EA or VA to read Lundy's book. I recently did and it was both upsetting and weirdly comforting.

Realising the man is not who you thought he was and coupled with guilt about 'breaking up' the family is heartbreaking.

But it is possible to move on and be happy again. It's really hard, and a long process, but the alternative is much worse.

flowers for you all xxx

mathanxiety Tue 14-May-13 02:26:32

It's very possible the shy and sensitive bit was the fakery, not the booze monster

PurpleThing Mon 13-May-13 19:23:38

maidmarian Booze doesn't make someone a monster, they have to have that inside them to begin with. Getting drunk lets their inhibitions down so they decide to 'give themselves permission' to behave badly. Lundy Bancroft is very good on explaining this. Don't let him use drink as an excuse.

Mine was also lovely, shy and sensitive when I met him. The transformation is unbelievable.

Oddsox2 Mon 13-May-13 14:07:59

Yoni you have just described what happened at the beginning of the end of my marriage to a T...

XxxxX

SgtTJCalhoun Mon 13-May-13 12:30:30

It really was maidmarian. I still boil with rage when I think of him saying that, which I suppose isn't very healthy.

sgtcalhoun what a twat. Your labour must have been excruciating angry

My ex became more violent and verbally abusive when I was pg. He thought id got pregnant on purpose, to trap him confused

I had told him I wasnt on the pill or anything and he said "What happens happens" etc.

He used to shout things like "I dont fucking exist in this house anymore!!"

He was bloody awful. He kicked me on two separate occasions while I was holding the baby. He punched me in the face while I drove alond one of the worst motorways in Northern England.

His drinking got worse, to the point whre he was drinking a 8 pack of Stella a night.

I was made to feel bad for not offering oral sex etc, I had a baby and house to run (He did absolutely nothing to help me) And I was obviously tired.

I finished him last year and It was like a weight had been lifted. Of course he went on a massive bender. Hes only just wrapped up that bender and acknowledging what hes done to me and he couldnt be nicer to me.

He was lovely when we met. Shy, quiet, very good looking.

I quickly realised that excessive booze made him monstrous.

That man nearly broke me, I invested myself emotionally in our relationship. I dread when he gets a new girlfriend as I would hate anyone else to be as scared as I was sad

SgtTJCalhoun Mon 13-May-13 12:06:13

My ex used to tell me I was a hypochondriac and liked being ill. That I "put it on". In ten years of being with him I had norovirus ONCE and the odd cold. When I pointed this out to him he said "well what about when you were in labour, you made a right fuss of that!". Labour was 43 hours long with ds back to back, ending in emergency c-section and DS bruised on his head where he had been stuck and unable to progress.

YoniBottsBumgina Mon 13-May-13 09:43:54

My ex literally told me I had made myself ill once. Yes dear, I love throwing my guts up while trying to herd a curious 1 tear old away from the toilet. I definitely made myself ill on purpose.

mrsericnorthmaniwish Mon 13-May-13 06:37:48

Wow,I am not alone on this one then.my h has frequently whined that he comes last(3kids and some animals))moans there is nothing left for him, if I have been up with the children he will think nothing if expecting it at 5am then gets cross when I ignore himsad I ended up in hospital not long ago, I had some blood taken and was crying like a child and he just sat there,I had an operation and when I got home it was back to normal with the children while he watched tv during bath/bedtime then sleeping in while I up for them at breakfast.his needs/wants come before us all as far as he is concerned.helpful thread-thank yousmile

mathanxiety Mon 13-May-13 06:10:00

This shows itself too when you are ill - abusers don't cope very well when their partner is ill, they get frustrated, are impatient and basically act as though you've gotten ill on purpose just to inconvenience him.
This was my exMIL when anyone was ill. When she was ill nobody heard the end of it.

SgtTJCalhoun Mon 13-May-13 00:01:07

The explanations on here are amazing, so insightful and describe my ex and my Mum to a tee.

PurpleThing Sun 12-May-13 23:50:24

This shows itself too when you are ill - abusers don't cope very well when their partner is ill, they get frustrated, are impatient and basically act as though you've gotten ill on purpose just to inconvenience him.

Yes! This!

butterflymeadow Sun 12-May-13 21:15:54

Yes, a very insightful thread, thank you.

Some of these posts were like reading my life when I had my babies. I'm out now, but it was such a hideous time and even now my ex can't see how dreadfully he behaved, because he worked full time and 'provided' for us.

BonaDrag Sun 12-May-13 21:03:00

Thank you. There is so much here that rings painfully true with me.

What an insightful bunch you are grin

giveitago Sun 12-May-13 20:45:54

But thank yoni. So insightful.

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 12-May-13 20:09:14

I'm not a therapist, I've just spent far too long on these boards grin I might look into it one day though. I'd love to do something which helps raise awareness of abuse, I think awareness is the best way to reduce its power and hence in dome ways prevent it.

sarahseashell Sun 12-May-13 19:26:55

madonna/whore syndrome (sorry can't do links) but it's a recognised phenomenon I thought

giveitago Sun 12-May-13 19:21:35

Yoni - that's very insightful and helpful. Goodness. I'm in a bad position and I felt it was more power over me once we had a child come into our lives But actually it is that I had more resources and freedom before being a mum and skirted over everything. I didn't notice his lack of empathy before but it was there all the time.

Bloody hell, this resonates.

Also Redsky - again, my dh!Gawd.

Are you both therapists?

YNK Sun 12-May-13 12:38:41

Yeah mine certainly confused me with his mother!
He even said I made him decorate every year, when he never raised a paintbrush in our house EVER!!!
My MIL died a year before I had my first DC and he decorated her house every year! (willingly)

PoppyField Sun 12-May-13 12:32:27

Agree with mathanxiety MrsTerryPratchett* and redsky. I could not believe the change in the man after children. The sudden change in his attitude to me only seems explainable by the sudden obvious change in my status - that I went from partner to 'mother figure' in an instant. And 'mother figure' for him could only mean Bad.

Like redsky says - lost of abuse and controlling behaviour and no empathy. It was a shocking and bewildering display which started as soon as we came home with the baby. I was in shock from an emergency ceasarian but the emotional madness and confusion made me feel utterly dazed. He seemed to want to obstruct me at every turn, which made me dizzy and disorientated. And it didn't stop.

It is only looking back that I think he must have absolutely hated his mother. He could be vituperative and be very disparaging about her motivations and personality but I thought there had been some vestigial respect. I now think he hated her with a vengeance and when I became a 'mother figure' there was no escape from it.

That sounds like I'm excusing him. I'm not. My Ex is obviously a damaged person, but his behaviour was inexcusable.

Also, after centuries of living in a world where men treated women as property, inferior, servants, etc, a lot of men still can't comprehend the idea that in a couple relationship there are times when the man's needs come LAST. OK, plenty of men don't behave badly, blah blah, Not Your Nigel etc, but there are still a lot who expect the relationship and the household to revolve around them eg despite the fact that the woman has a newborn to look after, the house should be immaculate without the man ever having to do more than wash up a token mug or two, and whenever he wants sex, the woman's legs should be open even if she's had no sleep for the past couple of nights and the baby's crying. THe idea that a man should be inconvenienced, or made to wait for something he wants, or have to give up something for the sake of his female partner, is unbearable to certain men.

redskynight Sun 12-May-13 08:46:43

ime the man having a complicated relationship with his mother figure, very enmeshed, lots of unresolved childhood issues. Once his partner had children, she "became" his mother in his eyes - cue teenage rebellion-type behaviour and a lot of abuse and controlling behaviour towards his partner, and no empathy.

Also, once children (having them was his idea) arrived "the man couldn't cope with the responsibility/had no time for his varied but previously not known about interests/it was unfair to be expected to do boring things at home/it was not intellectually stimulating enough". Cue -abusive behaviour.

Basically he opted out and turned on his partner, instead of dealing with the situation in any sort of adult manner.

^ That and all the above posts ^.

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