I told DH to leave today. So sad and angry.

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

This morning I accidentally found out that DH is in arrears on a debt of nearly £1000 that I knew nothing about. Apparently it is possible to spend nearly a grand on two pairs of shoes and a coat It's the fourth time this year that I've found out that he's been dishonest with me about debt; only one of those times was it because he came clean about it. It's happened twice before this year, once about a huge overdraft and once about secret credit cards.

Dishonesty over debt isn't the whole story but I just cannot believe that this has happened again. When he got home I asked him to explain himself, he claimed ignorance and I lost it and told him to pack his things and leave, which he did.

I wish it hadn't come to this but I don't know what else I can possibly do. I've explained over and over how the things he does make me feel so awful, we've done a marriage course, we've had intervention from family and friends, we're in the middle of counselling. And still he is being dishonest with me. I am starting to realise that I can't make him into a responsible husband and father (we have 2 DC) and he, despite all his promises, can't be bothered. He has a completely different idea to me of what is acceptable behaviour. It doesn't matter how many times we agree to rules, every time there is an 'exceptional circumstance' that makes it ok for him to break them. There is nothing that he can say to me that will make me trust him again.

I'm furious but also deeply sad and so scared of what the future will be. I'm on maternity leave but I'm going to have to go back to work for a psychopathic bully, sooner rather than later. I don't know how I can possibly afford childcare for the two DC. I just don't even know how to start sorting out this mess.

Super-long post, sorry, just had to write all that down.

[KittyAndTheFontanelles]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Is it definitely over for you? I understand the deception being a deal breaker. I've no advice to offer I'm afraid

[tribpot]

You need to protect yourself and your dc - and that means financially distancing yourself from your DH as soon as you can. I think either he's lying to you about what the money has been spent on, or he's taking the bloody piss by spending money on luxuries during your mat leave.

I would get yourself to a solicitor on Monday to find out how you can protect yourself from his debts. This is the third secret debt this year and it's not even half way through May.

It sounds like you're on your own financially whether he stays or not.

[alittlebitcountry]

Hi DontMean
I'm really better at lurking, and I'm sure other posters will be along with some good advice and support.
I just thought I'd stop in and say your post sounds so familiar and I think I may understand a little of what you're feeling. I found out some things on Tuesday my H had been hiding from me and I've just about kept it together this week, but I feel totally defeated and stuck in limbo right now. That stomach churning sense of worry and hurt keeps threatening to take over.
Unlike you I haven't been as decisive so DH is still here, although it's more because financially and practically we can't afford to start paying for two households right now (am also 6 months pg with Dc2).

Like you I'm trying to come to terms with the idea that he will never have what I always took for granted as a normal view of money and debt, has never viewed our marriage in the same way, and seems alien to any concept of basic respectful honesty, at least with regard to finances.

I know exactly what you mean about the combination of fury and sadness. It hasn't been a constant, but has cropped up over the years, I had believed we had worked the problems out but I now feel terribly responsible for choosing to believe that now we have DCs.

Good luck, and a virtual hug - sorry for such a long reply.

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

Thanks both.

He phoned an hour ago and we spent some time talking. His opener was that 'he needs me, he needs his children and the children need him'. I think that just about sums it up. He had no idea where he was going to sleep tonight so I've sent him to his dad's house, told him to call a friend who already knows the backstory, then let me know so that I know he's safe. He thinks he needs counselling because he has a problem with spending above his means.

What I want is to be in an equal partnership with my husband. I don't want to be constantly worrying about him spending money we don't have (apparently some of this debt was for my Christmas present ), or to have to constantly remind him to do his extremely basic household duties, or to have to sort out every detail of our life together do the whole thing doesn't collapse around our ears. I'd like to be able to leave the DC with him and know that nappies will be changed, meals will be prepared,,stories will be read and he won't spend the entire time playing games on his iPhone and making a huge mess for me to clear up.

I don't want this to be the end but where am I supposed to draw the line?

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

alittlebitcountry I'm sorry you're going through the same thing, it really is gut-wrenching. It's taken me a long time to get to this point: 6 incidents like this in 5 years of marriage, plus a whole string of other things that I've repeatedly tried and failed to address.

[tribpot]

I notice his opener was all about him, with the children's apparent need for him at the end. Despite the fact he can't seem to look after them competently.

What about you, OP? He doesn't seem to be offering you anything.

[alittlebitcountry]

Thanks DontMind, I don't want to hijack your thread and I'm truly sorry to see you're going through the same thing.
Thanks for sharing your experience though - I'm not really clear enough in my own mind to talk it through with other people in real life yet if that makes sense.
I feel exactly the same about an equal partnership - I never wanted to take over all finances and control him, or be his 3rd parent.
Sigh. Why do the cyclists have to mess up what could otherwise be a great relationship?

[alittlebitcountry]

Cyclists? Damn autocorrect. I meant Fuckwits.

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

Yup, those blasted cyclists :o

I know it is messed up, I really do. I suppose I'm at the stage where I'm more scared of a future alone than I am fed up with the status quo.

[alittlebitcountry]

Morning DontMind I hope you've had a restful night.
I think I know what you mean, it's all I can do right now to drag myself out of the house and organise the laundry etc. Without making any momentous final split decision.

[verygentlydoesit]

Hi dontmind, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

I had something similar happen many moons ago. A good friend asked if I thought my EXP could have a gambling problem, I was 100% sure that wasn't the case.

Six months later I cracked and opened his bank statements only to find huge amounts of money going out and coming in from various bookies. When the truth came out I realised that gambling addicts are highly skilled at lying to cover their tracks.

Your DH's spending may be totally unrelated to gambling, but it's maybe worth considering.

Hugs

[MadamFolly]

Hope everything is going well OP.

Stay strong.

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

Hi all. Not a very restful night as DS had a nightmare and it felt strange not having DH in the bed. Hey ho. He's here at the moment to have tea and put DS to bed (trying to keep things normal for DS while we figure out what's going on).

He thinks he has compulsive spending disorder, which he is going to contact a counsellor about tomorrow. I've told him that even if ge dies have it, it doesn't excuse him being so selfish and leading our family down the path to financial ruin. Also doesn't cover the lack of input in daily life. We are also putting the wheels in motion for different marriage counselling tomorrow.

He's staying at his dad's house this week to give us both a bit of space. We'll review at the weekend.

[alittlebitcountry]

Hello. I hope you've had a better day today.
I just realised I've been calling you DontMind instead of "DontMean", I wish I could blame the autocorrect but I've been generally vague and not on the ball at work as well. My apologies, .

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

Don't worry, it's a recent NC and I'm not particularly attached to it!

DH has arranged counselling for himself on Wednesday and we've chosen a marriage counsellor, who we will call tomorrow to set up an appointment. Honestly though, I thought I was feeling so calm, almost detached but I was talking about appointment etc. with DH this evening and I am so angry. Unbelievably angry. I could barely speak, it was that strong. Wow. I'd been feeling a bit miserable and lonely and was wondering whether it might not be better for him to come back but after the way I felt tonight that's just not possible.

I wish I could talk this through with someone in RL but there's no one I feel comfortable with. My parents have offered their support but we've never been a touchy-feely kind of family and it would just be odd. My close friends are also his friends and I don't want them to judge him, stupid as that sounds. I don't know why I'm bothering to protect him. Finances and sex have always been a forbidden subject in our counselling sessions so far so we've been messing around talking about the washing up and not dealing with the real issues.

Anyway, off to bed before I write an essay!

[alittlebitcountry]

I wish I could find some detachment too. We tried and failed miserably to have a constructive talk tonight. It's so hard not to let the anger take over isn't it!

I'm still too raw to listen calmly without pulling him up on what he says, so DH got angry I interrupted him & he felt I wasn't listening.
I know I'll need to move past this at some point, but really, he lied and ran up secret debt and the first time he gives me the full picture, I'm the bad guy for interrupting? Don't see how we can fix this on our own, but we don't have the leeway to pay for counselling right now.

[AnyFucker]

How do you fancy being this bloke's mother for the rest of his life ?

A sobering thought

and a really, really unsexy one

[RootinTootin]

You should definitely place money issues over your family. He needs to know that you should be able to control what he spends.

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

New counsellor is booked for Friday. I've been looking up how to get the most out of counselling and how it works best when you go wanting to change yourself rather than your partner. I don't know if this is going to work, I am furious with him and not at all in the mood for changing!

Last night he told me that I never have been one to forget things. How can I forget things when they are repeated over and over and over again? Then he wanted a hug. I'm afraid I swore at that point.

[AnyFucker]

Why would you change yourself ? There is nothing wrong with you

[Lweji]

You can definitely change the way you relate to him.
At some point (and I think if you are not there, you are very close) you stop hoping he changes, you detach from him and definitely send him on his way.

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

There's plenty wrong with me but so far I haven't become a lying, greedy, selfish, lazy spendthrift. I don't think focussing on how I need to fold the washing the instant it comes out of the dryer is going to improve things much TBH.

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

Oh, and stupid. Bad enough to blow ridiculous amounts of money on designer rubbish but to do it on credit, when you work in credit and know that it's designed to squeeze as much money as possible out of the debtor is so stupid it's breath-taking. Stupid. Or arrogant enough to think that the usual rules about credit don't apply to him.

[DontMeanToBeRudeBut]

Not that I'm seething or anything

[AThingInYourLife]

I don't know how you are going to get past the fact that he thinks it is OK to steal from you. And your children.

Or why you would want to.

Even if one day he learns to be someone else, for now you are extremely vulnerable being financially linked to a proven liar, thief and spendthrift.

I think you need to find at least a medium term way if getting him far enough away from your household that he can't destroy it.