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Does anyone else feel dismayed by what some people will tolerate in their relationships?

(160 Posts)
Ledkr Sat 11-May-13 08:51:29

Thread about many threads but I sometimes worry that I'm just am old battle axe because when I read some if the stuff on here I'm just shocked at what some people put up with.
I can go early say that if dh went on a dating website, called me names, left me short of money or refused to help with his house or children he'd be out if my life.
Not being smug at all I was in a very subdivide relationship and my exh cheated but both times I got rid.
I'm in my forties so am sad to think that some young women are being raised to tolerate this. Shouldn't it be different now that its easier to go it alone?
Such a pity.

Ledkr Sat 11-May-13 08:52:19

Go early = truthfully hmm

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 11-May-13 08:53:15

I am the same as you.....now. After having come out of an EA and PA relationship, I can easily spot the signs of abuse and manipulation.

Having said this, I still let my ex get away with a lot because I'm scared of him.

seeker Sat 11-May-13 08:53:45

I find it profoundly depressing. As I've said before, if I could go back in time and tell the 18 year old me about it, I'm sure I wouldn't have believed that women still put up with this sort of stuff.

Lweji Sat 11-May-13 08:53:50

It's not as simple as that.

Abuse is often insidious and it usually happens when women are at their most vulnerable.

It still isn't easy to go it alone though. And if it has been gradually coming on then each day is only marginally worse than yesterday.

But yes, knowing someone whose H keeps her short of money and doesn't care too much whether she is consenting at any point, I despair with you.

Ledkr Sat 11-May-13 08:55:05

Abusive not subdivide? Obviously older women struggle with I phones!

CoalDustWoman Sat 11-May-13 08:56:09

I'm more depressed about the abusers, tbh.

UnChartered Sat 11-May-13 08:57:16

I understand what you are trying to say here, but feel a need to remind you that abusive relationships aren't born overnight, there is often a long history and posters will have reached certain point.

Fairylea Sat 11-May-13 08:57:47

I agree with you. And I've been in two abusive relationships. But it took me to finally be alone and know that I could cope and be happy alone to reach a point where I simply won't put up with crap anymore.

Dh and I aren't perfect. We argue like everyone else but financially, emotionally and in terms of respecting each other we are on the same page.

I do now. In my 40s having left an abusive relationship. My radar is so finely tuned now and I would not tolerate any kind of even low level disrespect. I'm rearing my children not to tolerate any.

And it's taken me ages to type this because my ipad hates me.

Ledkr Sat 11-May-13 08:58:48

I'm not talking about dv as obviously the psychology behind that is massively complex (bitter experience) but the more everyday stuff like "he calls me fat" I just hope my dds will be strong.

EffieTheDuck Sat 11-May-13 08:58:52

Abusers have the knack of sucking all the self confidence from people and if it goes on long term, it can be difficult for those abused to feel strong about anything.sad
I worry about some of the posts I've read on mn and how much shit some women will tolerate.
There is a post live right now and I hope the woman listens to the advice.

headinhands Sat 11-May-13 09:00:39

I honestly think schools should do more on what a healthy relationship looks like. If you're brought up in a home where the power balance between parents/carers isn't equal then that is what the child feels is the norm which sets up a repeating pattern.

Fairylea Sat 11-May-13 09:04:56

I'm always shocked by how sahm's seem to be thankful that their dh allows them some sort of allowance rather than equally sharing all the finances! How is anyone else supposed to respect sahms if we can't even respect ourselves and our right to family finances?? It drives me crazy.

My first dh was awful, he once refused to pay any of the rent as he said he didnr have any money and then went and spent money on the fruit machines! I was livid. When we split up (my choice) he offered me a cheque for £495 (god knows why that amount) as he finally knew he'd beena shit with money ... but it was too late.

Dh and I share finances equally regardless of who is working and we have both supported each other at different points.

Ledkr Sat 11-May-13 09:05:10

I don't need reminding. I was relocated by the police at 19 with ds1 and ds2 disabled from ex beating me when pg. even then I knew I had to leave or he would murder us.
As I said I mean the more low level stuff like being caught on dating sites.
Dh would literally be out of the door,as would I if he caught me doing the same.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-May-13 09:07:18

I agree. However, 'tolerance' is a personal thing and I know from personal experience how it's possible for a manipulative partner to carefully ramp up their behaviour over time taking the tolerance level gradually up with it.

What dismays me most is hearing this process described because it's got that horrible feeling of inevitability about it. Nostalgia for the early days when the relationship was 'great' ... the repeated offences that get forgiven or excused, each time a little worse than the last... the escalation after the arrival of children... the futile efforts to keep the partner sweet....looking for rational explanations like 'stress' or 'depression'.... the fear of being alone preventing action .... the 'am I expecting too much?', 'am I not good enough?' phase.

I know some contributors on this board think members leap in too quick with LTB but, when you can see the grisly pantomime playing out yet again you really do want to reach in and hoik people out before they waste another 10 years of their life being 'tolerant'.

Ledkr Sat 11-May-13 09:09:46

Maybe schools could do more yes but it's ultimately the examples we set as parents.
My dsis is thirty and has a yr old baby. Her "d" p is a professional and nice man but he has "never" helped at night even when she was desperate with mastitis and crying baby (mum and I went to help) he had work dontyaknow shock

Ledkr Sat 11-May-13 09:12:40

cog yes "depression" as a cause for shagging about and sat at the family PC paying to wank over strangers. Brilliant.

TheSecondComing Sat 11-May-13 09:15:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cognito I agree. There was one poster recently who was me 10 years ago. Or at least was where I was iykwim.

Same story.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 11-May-13 09:17:11

I see what your saying Ledkr, this is the stuff that annoys me a lot too. I can understand more so why people put up with abuse, as they are scared, but low level manipulation and put downs I just don't get.

I've definitely taken a much more feminist stance in recent times, and am much less tolerant of sexism and degrading comments.

And yes to what TSC said as well.

Ledkr Sat 11-May-13 09:23:03

Oh yes that too TSC my dh hasn't text me for two hrs etc etc. annoying.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-May-13 09:24:48

I think the fear of being alone is a big driver. Not just the practical side but all those misogynistic social taboos about being 'an old maid' or 'on the shelf'. I think a lot of women (and probably quite a few men) take that very much to heart and see singledom as an admission of failure. And then there are even more social pressures to 'take the rough with the smooth' , 'work through the bad patches', 'make an effort' when in a relationship... even the ceremony mentions 'for better for worse'. It all adds up to a very powerful trap... frightened to break free at the same time as feeling compelled to stick around and 'try harder'.

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