Foul mouthed ex

[jayho]

It's a given that my ex is an abusive twat and I have taken every step possible to minimise contact between us to minimise the potential for conflict.

However, every opportunity he gets he insults me and uses foul language. For example, he has weekly phone contact, I have number recognition so as a rule, I don' answer the phone but let one of dc answer. This week they were both out, answered and told him this, cue stream of insults. He also mutters under his breath at handovers.

I know it's because he's a cowardly twunt and I shouldn't let it bother me but it does.

Help me move on.

[EllaFitzgerald]

Did you engage when he started insulting you? Or just hang up?

It sounds like he's taking the opportunity to upset you whenever he can. It's not about you, it's about him trying to get back a level of power over you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sounds like you don't answer the phone to him any more, even if the DCs are out. I'd also refuse to do handovers until he stops the childish muttering.... but that might not be practical. Do you have a way of recording this muttering? An app on your mobile?

[jayho]

I hung up immediately.

I'm a bit of a technophobe but have considered the recording thing in the past. I was thinking of just saying to him 'I am recording you' but don't want to up the stakes.

Just looked at phone and it has 'voice recorder' looks like I just hit go to start it, might be an idea.

I know it's about power and actually the specific insults he uses reveal much more about his insecurities than anything else but he's pissing me off. We're three years down the line and the level of hostility hasn't diminished at all over time.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I have that button on my phone too, that's what made me think of it. Press 'record' (don't tell him, obviously), pick up the muttering, respond with a polite 'if you are going to be insulting I'll have to ask you to leave', record the response and then evict the guy from your house. If there's any dispute you present the evidence

Probably totally unworkable but his behaviour would piss me off too.... If a stranger came into your home behaving that way you'd call the police...

[jayho]

I know, I looked up the law and if he did it at work or during a game of football I could have him.

Would never happen at work because the lazy tosser hasn't worked since the day I filed for divorce.

Might have to engage him in a bit of keepie uppie but the fat fuck would die of heart failure - now there's an idea.......

[cozietoesie]

Don't ever answer the phone to him - restrict all your own dealings with him to email.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You could have him in your home as well. Verbal aggression/abuse is not acceptable in any location. Do you have a chain on your front door? How feasible would it be to see it's him, keep the chain on, and ask him to wait outside on the doormat rather than inviting him in at handovers?

[jjgirl]

He only does it be because he knows it upsets you. Don't answer the phone to him. Pretend you don't hear him at hand overs and smile and be merry. That will reall get to him

[jayho]

Hate email, he's one of the 'and unto here forward you are required and instructed to' brigade.

Makes me see red, have to chew off my own hands to stop myself typing back 'fuck off knobber'...... Wish I was a grown up

[jayho]

He doesn't come in the house Cog things are bad enough that he is prohibited from entering the boundary of my property but youngest is only 4 so can't be left to make it from the path to the door alone.

[cozietoesie]

Just let him type out the garbage then jayho. It means very little if anything and you (deliciously) would have it all in a beautifully documented and auditable trail if you ever needed it.

[Lweji]

youngest is only 4 so can't be left to make it from the path to the door alone.
How big is this path?
Or is he/she carrying a suitcase?

[Lweji]

And if you hate e-mail (or would text be ok), then you are shooting yourself in the foot.

[jayho]

I live on a busy road, if I don't come to the door on handover he will leave kids outside the gate, dump their bag in the road and drive off.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Then I think your only option is to ignore the crap and carry on regardless. Collect child from car, talk very loudly and keep walking at the same time so you can't hear the muttering... 'THANKS. SEE YOU NEXT TIME. BYE. HELLO DCS HAVE YOU HAD A NICE TIME?.....'

[arthriticfingers]

jayho I told my FWEX the last time he went off on one (only ever by phone or when there was no one else around to hear - text and emails the height of reasonableness - f*er ) that I had put him on the loudspeaker on the phone and I was in the car with others. Actually, I hadn't because didn't know how to - then.
But ... he put the phone down so quickly I reckon he must have dropped it .
He hasn't tried it again - actually he hasn't spoken to me again ... .
Maybe he knows that I do now know how to use the speakerphone and where the voice record button is.
I am not very good on phones (as you can see), but I do know about computers, and it is easy to make an mp3 file of any recording you make.
Don't know what you could do with one, though.

[cozietoesie]

You don't actually need to do anything with it. Just having it is enough. (viz your ex not trying it again when you said you weren't alone.)

[Lweji]

Ex also knows that I record his skype calls to DS.
It worked wonders. :)

But when he tries to have a go at you, just smile and say something like "That's nice, good to see/talk to you too."

Or go to handovers, as if you are speaking on the phone and mention they send greetings.

[jayho]

Hmm, could send it to his solicitor and ask them to have a word?

[Lweji]

(I don't record them anymore, btw. But he can never be sure whether I am or not)

[jayho]

You know, I think the fundamental problem is that he does it at all. It's been three years, he's been seeing someone else for two. Why oh why can't he just move on and let it go? (I know the answer....)

[Lweji]

Because he knows you get upset by it.

[cozietoesie]

Of course you know the answer, now. You're the one that got away from him and he can't bear it.

[jayho]

Actually, I honestly don't get upset, I get annoyed, but I don't engage, I don't respond, I don't react. He insults me about something very specific that he is furious about but doesn't bother me at all. It's boring and it makes me have less and less respect for him as time goes on (we're into minus figures now). I would like to be in a position where we respectfully co-parent our children, but it isn't going to happen.

I suppose what does bother me is that my judgement was so poor in entering into a relationship with him.

[jayho]

Exactly Cozie. Having discovered MN, I now know I was in a classic EA relationship but at the time it took enormous strength to get out of it despite the gaslighting, emotional and financial abuse. I've been poverty stricken ever since leaving but happy. He's furious.