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More nonsense from parents.

(15 Posts)
SgtTJCalhoun Fri 10-May-13 21:34:44

Going to try to keep this really brief and unemotional.

Over Christmas I had a huge argument with my Mum over her usual insistence that women are domestically abused because they are "weak". This progressed into her telling me that she is not surprised that my unfaithful, physically, verbally, emotionally abusive ex treats me like he does, because I am so difficult.

I spoke to her today for only the third time since then and this argument came up. She told me that she had not said that at all - she did. That she had actually said something about me being loved and supported and I had completely took it the wrong way - she didn't. Told me I had called them both "Shit parents" and her inparticular "a shit mother" and had screamed abuse at them. THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. She haS big form for this, saying and doing shit things and then completely denying or changing it. I honestly think she believes it herself, convinces herself. Anyway I wouldnt allow it this time and pulled her up on it. Big tantrum ensued.

During the tantrum (on both sides I will admit) she out and out lied about how the argument had gone at Christmas and said that my Dad no longer talks to me or interacts with my children (shes right he doesn't and it was something that I brought up today) because I make him feel like a "child abuser" shock.

Apparently the reason I make him feel like a child abuser is because I intervene whenever he tries to discipline my dc - ie shout at them and drag them about physically. My ds has ASD and my Dad did not believe it and used to bellow at him, tell him off for the most minor pathetic infractions and this would trigger ds into meltdowns every time we went there. In the end I said it could'nt go on and would intervene in every situation where ds was being challenging to prevent upset. My ds has been diagnosed for 5 years, my dad has never read a book on ASD, never bothered to find out and I quite frankly makes it quite clear he doesn't believe it. Totally overreacts to everything involving both dc.

Basically when we visit he sits in the armchair in the corner and sulks, barely exchanges a word or look with any of this and as you can imagine this can be quite unpleasant.

I feel at the end of my tether. Again it has crept up on me. They used to cut me off for months at a time when I was younger, the most memorable being when I had 6 week old ds and my Mum recommended solids for him, I said it wasnt done like that anymore, she hung up on me and did not speak to me again for about 5 months. I had no friends or family support nearby and she knew this but just didnt bother with me over something so petty. Did something similar after dd was born too.

I never seem to notice until something extreme happens like today, its like I have this massive drip, drip, drip tolerance and then something happens and I look at it all and think "this is fucking awful!".

So anyway, I don't even know what I am asking and I am sorry its so long but I don't even know where to start with this. Do I confront my Dad about the "child abuser" nonsense? Or do I just cut my losses this time? Its all such a mess sad

I have name changed as its obviously quite recognisable. Thanks.

tribpot Fri 10-May-13 21:43:34

Are you posting on the Stately Homes thread? If not I would definitely suggest you should as your parents are clearly barking.

I cannot imagine why you are maintaining contact with them, to be honest. I would have cut them off after the first prolonged period of 'not talking to you' - whilst you had a newborn baby for god's sake! And now sulking or going off on one when they do see you - what's the bloody point?

They don't appear to be adding anything to your life, and arguably you're not adding to theirs, except to provide them with someone to kick. Save yourself the hassle and leave them to stew.

Lweji Fri 10-May-13 21:47:13

Yes, cut them gradually loose.

Enjoy their sulks and not talking.

SgtTJCalhoun Fri 10-May-13 21:50:23

grin at "barking".

They are aren't they? but it's like I just don't realise it until the big bombshell goes off. I don't seem to have any boundaries for it. Well to be fair that is getting better. I have started confronting the blatant untruths instead of just going along with it for a quiet life.

Then I get tearful "why are you doing this?", "why are you so mean to us?". "why is this happening to me I don't do anything to anyone and everyone just turns on me!". Those are all from my Mum and were all said today. Like I said my Dad just doesn't bother with me at all.

It's bad isn't it. I anyways question myself. Am I overreacting and doing all the mean things they say without realising? I don't think I am.

sammysaidso Fri 10-May-13 21:53:48

Only have time to leave a short reply so apologies if this sounds very blunt.
They sound like very toxic people, myself personally cut my dad out 4 years ago. I got nothing from are relationship apart from abuse and constant guilt. By the sounds of it your children don't get any form of relationship from them either.
Maybe cut your losses and just walk away from them.
The best thing I ever did was to walk away and be happy!
I now have a beautiful little boy and getting married next year, my dad will still slag me off to anyone who will listen. But the difference is now is that I don't care! He's missing out not me. Sorry to talk about myself I guess I'm just trying to say focus on you and your children, be happy and stick two fingers up to them!

pinkpaws Fri 10-May-13 21:57:44

I feel your pain my son also has ASD when i told my mother after years of trying to get her to believe me . She didnt contact me for 4 months said she could cope with news. Its always about her . So my point is that so people are poison and if they happen to be part of your family thats just shit luck. But family or not i have found only allowing contact your terms is the answer. By that i mean you say when and how offen you want to meet and sometimes just say no because you can makes you feel better trust me.

pinkpaws Fri 10-May-13 21:59:00

I feel your pain my son also has ASD when i told my mother after years of trying to get her to believe me . She didnt contact me for 4 months said she could cope with news. Its always about her . So my point is that so people are poison and if they happen to be part of your family thats just shit luck. But family or not i have found only allowing contact your terms is the answer. By that i mean you say when and how offen you want to meet and sometimes just say no because you can makes you feel better trust me.

SgtTJCalhoun Fri 10-May-13 21:59:24

I honestly don't think I can go there again to watch my Dad sit in the corner again for two days with a face like Red Rum.

You are NOT to blame. My mum does the same. It took for my DP to witness certain things and then hear her deny them before I believed it wasnt me.

I have started picking up on minor things in a non confrontational way instead of letting it go and go. Slowly she is getting better, but theres always an ulterior motive. But tbh your parents sound worse than mine so I dont think that would work.

It would not be an over reaction to just cut them out and move on. Easier said than done. But you deserve better.

The bit about your abusive ex is quite telling. Is it any wonder that after years o being treated like shit by them, you would find a man to do the same?

pinkpaws Fri 10-May-13 22:01:56

Then heres the thing dont do something you love instead. Once you allow yourself to be free and happy and without guilt life is much lighter.

WinkyWinkola Fri 10-May-13 22:02:17

They are utterly mad.

Their behaviour will also drive you mad trying to figure it out.

Don't bother. You cannot win. You will never find a good relationship with these insane people.

Bin them. Please. You will be so much happier. They bring nothing to your life.

SgtTJCalhoun Fri 10-May-13 22:04:19

I have thought about that wannabe. My Mum tells me that the reason I "allowed" it to happen was I had had such a loving, kind upbringing that I didn't know how to cope with abusive behaviour. She has also called me "weak" for putting up with it as long as I did. I never called her on any of this. Wasn't worth the tantrums. I was was in no place to deal with them.

buildingmycorestrength Fri 10-May-13 22:27:47

It isn't you. Your parents are doing all the things that abusive people do...gas lighting (denying things happened), denying responsibility, using manipulative behaviour like violence and sulking, and more.

How you gain strength is up to you. For some people, cutting contact is a brilliant way forward and just means they can really start living and recovering. For other people, emotionally disengaging and just being civil is better as it avoids drama. It depends on the situation.

But keep coming back to MN for perspective...they make you doubt yourself and you need to be able to see through their lies.

More like you have been conditioned from birth to feel like a lesser being. Your self esteem has been eaten away at. So when your ex began abusing you, you didnt think you deserved better.

No amount of trying to reason with her will work.

I keep mine at arms length now. I have completely detached from her and her spite. Its been hard, and it took a period of cutting them out to get to this point, (which ofcourse I am guilt tripped about) but it all washes over me now.

I hope that you can reach a similar point. Its just not worth the upset.

Jux Fri 10-May-13 22:36:05

I would let them go. As far away as possible.

Do check out the Stately Homes threads. You will find so much help and support there.

So sorry your parents are so shit, but they are. You deserve better.

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