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DP doesnt want me at his party.

(129 Posts)
NaggingGirlfriend Fri 10-May-13 10:33:56

I've name changed, although I've written one other post under this name.

I've been with dp for 2 and a half years. I have a 9 month old with him.

Hes just got a new job and his birthday is also coming up. He mentioned that his workmates are planning a night out to celebrate. I've not met any of his friends at all. I found out I was pregnant on the first day of his job and haven't had a chance to go out for drinks and meet everyone. I feel like I'd be ok about getting my parents to babysit so I can go out for the first time in about 2 years.

When I said I was looking forward to meeting everyone he looked at me funny and made excuses about how I shouldn't be there because I cant drink because I'm still breastfeeding. I explained that I would express enough to last and it wouldn't be a problem. After a few other excuses he told me he didn't want me there because I'm 'too sensible' and people would find it weird and he cant relax around me because I'm boring and ruin fun and apparently tell him off all the time.

I'm really, really upset about it but he's not said sorry, he was quite happy to leave the conversation there. When I told him that made me feel like crap he said 'see, this is why I don't want you there, all you do is argue'

I'm utterly confused as he has mentioned in the past that our problems are down to me not having a life of my own and that I don't make an effort to meet people. But now I have a chance, he wont let me. I've been having a lot of confidence issues recently, I've never had such low confidence in my life. This hasn't helped matters.

Am I right to be feeling as upset as I do or am I being over sensitive?

Oh the weasel non-apology.
DH tried that once.
It didn't go down well.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 13:33:24

Excellent new name smile BTW... if you don't want to talk to him on his breaks just screen your calls. There is no law that you have to pick up.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 10-May-13 13:33:40

<Applauds n/c>

The old "I'm sorry you did xyz", neat deflection. Half arsed apology or not, he still didn't invite you along.

Anyway glad you emailed WA. Reaching out isn't about proving how deserving you are or otherwise.

Sunnywithshowers Fri 10-May-13 13:38:41

Hurrah for name change and email <applauds>

Anniegetyourgun Fri 10-May-13 14:01:14

One reason why he might not want you around his workmates is not because they wouldn't like you, but because he is afraid they would. One wonders what he's told them about this boring girlfriend who insists on him ringing every lunchtime (!) and keeps him on a tight leash - and then you turn up and you're not like that at all, in fact you're rather nice, and they look at him kind of hmm. That's my theory.

And what a crap excuse for an apology, I mean how is someone supposed to take "you're boring, you ruin fun, you tell me off all the time" and the rest of it - as a compliment? There is no positive way of taking a jolly speech like that. You just have to hold onto the thought that it says a lot more about him than it does about you.

Gillian1980 Fri 10-May-13 14:26:45

If it was a case of him having a "work night out" with colleagues then I would have said I could understand not wanting you to go - it wouldn't occur to me to have my DH come out with me on a work night out.

BUT, to be so rude and abusive towards you is totally unacceptable. The "reasons" he gave for not wanting you there are not on at all.

I would find it very difficult to remain in a relationship with somebody who can treat me with such disrespect and cruelty.

ponygirlcurtis Fri 10-May-13 14:49:40

OP, I emailed WA because I couldn't face phoning them, felt that my situation wasn't 'abusive' enough. They were nothing short of brilliant. And, of course, helped me to see that my H was absuive (along with MN). Hopefully you'll get a reply soon.

FWIW, all the things he's coming out with are standard 'abusive man speak'. If you are up for it, there's a thread for people who are being emotionally abused (now on No. 21), and it has lots of really useful links in the OP. Have a read, see if you recognise your P or your situation anywhere, and post if you feel like it.

kneedeepindaisies Fri 10-May-13 14:58:58

Hi OP, you have got some brilliant advice already and please keep posting so that we can help you.

I just want to say you are not a loser. You are 23 with a beautiful dd and your whole life ahead of you.

Just posting here, emailing Women's Aid, changing to a more positive name and telling your DP his apology was rubbish, shows how brave and strong you can be.

Thumbwitch Fri 10-May-13 15:04:51

So sorry your DP is being a wanker.
Which he most definitely is, and it's (IMO) most likely because he is either after another woman at work, or is already having a "thing" with a woman at work.
Well done for emailing WA, and for namechanging to a better one!
I really hope it's nothing - but all the blaming of you for everything sounds pretty shit anyway - so perhaps start making plans to be on your own with your DD?

Helltotheno Fri 10-May-13 15:25:54

OP I'm not going to say this guy is an abusive twat yet but what I will say is that he's not good for your confidence.

But also, you need to bear in mind that confidence and self-esteem have to come from you yourself within and take some time to build. By the sounds of it, you've been 'saved' from a twunt by another potential twunt. But you haven't been saved you, you can only save yourself. Maybe you don't see it yet, but you're well able to save yourself.

So what I suggest is that you leave this guy behind and concentrate on building your own life, relationship-free, for at least three years. Build a large and dependable circle of friends and take up some new hobbies. You're young and now is not the time to be narrowing your circle of support to one unsupportive man. They say that as we grow older, our circle of true friends dwindles. What hope is there if you've no circle at all to dwindle?

A separate point is, his colleagues/their nights out etc, is not the best place for you to start looking for friends. I rarely go out on DH's work nights because a) I know they'll probably have much more fun without BFs/GFs etc because when I worked in big companies, that was always the case, and b) they're not my friends/colleagues, they're his. It's different if it's a big dinner dance thingy where partners are expected.

In general, do you have a problem with your partners going out without you?

Regarding the nagging thing, it's just a negative label isn't it? But.... in saying that.... do you feel that you could be over-dependent on him in terms of outlets etc, which might lead to some of your comments? I could be completely wrong.

LadyClariceCannockMonty Fri 10-May-13 15:33:09

I like your new name, OP!

I hope Women's Aid have some useful things to say. I'm sure they will. If you don't want to phone them, can you go in and talk to them in person? (sorry, I don't know how Women's Aid works).

Everyone's said it all already really, but you are not a loser, he is behaving like an arsewipe and you DO deserve better. Helltotheno's advice above is spot on, I think; concentrate on your own life and your own friends and your confidence just might improve.

You certainly don't need this man in your life. thanks

makemineamalibuandpineapple Fri 10-May-13 15:39:47

Idiot. I had a bf for a short period of time like this who never invited me anywhere. One of the few times he did, I went to his house where he had a few people over. He didn't talk to me and barely looked at me all night. I felt like crap. I wished I had just left and gone home but it was late at night and I had no money for a taxi and didn't know which bus to get. He sounds like a right waste of space.

Oh, he is abusive all right. Unfortunately men like him have a special sense for women like the OP, who have had hideous abuse in previous relationships. This wanky little dopehead probably won't progress to beating the OP, but he has chosen her because (perhaps subconsciously in part) he sees that he can treat her with contempt and use her as a housekeeper, and prop up his ego with jokes at her expense, because she's had her boundaries and self-esteem messed up already.

Start making plans to dump him, OP, both WA and us lot are here to help and advise. And when he's gone promise yourself that you will avoid men, romance and sex for at least a year and do the Freedom Programme, or you will go from arsehole man to arsehole man, just a different type of arseholery each time. Best of luck.

OH, the contact-with-DC issue... he sounds like one of those who will vanish after a year or so.

RooneyMara Fri 10-May-13 18:18:46

Makemine - when that happened to me, I ignored him back, talked to a few nice people, and ended up going to sleep on the floor upstairs - I hear one of his friends ask him who the 'pretty' girl asleep was, I think that embarrassed him a bit, and then I got off with his brother grin blush

OP he really does sound very unkind. I think you'd be happier without him.

CabbageLeaves Fri 10-May-13 18:23:11

OP you deserve far better than this man. You don't have to make him change. You don't have to stay with him. You won't change him and he is just using you. Leave and find a life for yourself and DD where you regain your confidence and love yourself

ElizaDoLots Fri 10-May-13 21:46:13

I haven't read your replies, but I think it probably depends whether you really do 'tell him off' all the time. If you do, then I can imagine it would be a bit embarrassing for him. If not, YANBU.

BadLad Sat 11-May-13 15:52:24

I don't think there's anything wrong with not wanting partners at a work party, but he certainly made his point like a twat.

ImperialBlether England Sat 11-May-13 16:09:44

ElizaDoLots, what is the point in not reading the OP's posts?

IDeserveBetter Sat 11-May-13 16:54:53

This is a horrible Saturday. He came home yesterday and he told me quite calmly that he doesn't respect me. He can't pin point when he stopped respecting me exactly but he thinks it was when I was quite depressed and getting therapy when we first met. I dont understand why he decided to propose and have a child with me when he didn't respect me.
He's sulking quite a bit today. He says he's trying to avoid me. I wish I could run away.

Sunnywithshowers Sat 11-May-13 16:59:58

Big hugs lovely xxx

Nagoo Sat 11-May-13 17:10:02

He's saying, quite calmly, whatever he can think of to make you feel like shit. He's sitting around thinking up ways to try to destroy you.

What the fuck is wrong with the man?

Op you do deserve better thanks

Nagoo Sat 11-May-13 17:11:44

Oh and the bit about therapy making him lose respect for you is to try and shut off counselling for you, to reduce your options and make you think that seeking help is weak.

He's a devious fucker.

wonderstuff Sat 11-May-13 17:20:54

What a complete cock. You won't be able to fix him or make him be. Nice to you, because you aren't the problem, there is nothing wrong with you, he is an arsehole and he has the issue. I doubt he will ever have a good loving long term relationship, he will always project this failing onto his partner, but the problem lies with him.

Do you have any rl friends you can go see, anywhere you can go to be away from him for the day, he sounds very toxic to be near.

Lweji Portugal Sat 11-May-13 17:45:12

I wish I could run away.

Trust that feeling. You do need to get away.

Hissy Brazil Sat 11-May-13 17:54:54

Sweety, he is ticking off the ticks in the abusive arsehole list.

He has now gaslighted you and is now blaming YOU for everything that is wrong with HIM...

What a sad little man.

PLEASE look at your nickname every day and believe it. you really DO deserve better than someone who:

Doesn't deserve you
says that you are boring and ruin fun
and that he has to drug himself to put up with you.

Sorry, but what an absolute C*nt!

Please go and get yourself a copy of Why Does He Do That?

Please don't give up on yourself? Please do this for your DC, and for your future.

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