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DP doesnt want me at his party.

(129 Posts)
NaggingGirlfriend Fri 10-May-13 10:33:56

I've name changed, although I've written one other post under this name.

I've been with dp for 2 and a half years. I have a 9 month old with him.

Hes just got a new job and his birthday is also coming up. He mentioned that his workmates are planning a night out to celebrate. I've not met any of his friends at all. I found out I was pregnant on the first day of his job and haven't had a chance to go out for drinks and meet everyone. I feel like I'd be ok about getting my parents to babysit so I can go out for the first time in about 2 years.

When I said I was looking forward to meeting everyone he looked at me funny and made excuses about how I shouldn't be there because I cant drink because I'm still breastfeeding. I explained that I would express enough to last and it wouldn't be a problem. After a few other excuses he told me he didn't want me there because I'm 'too sensible' and people would find it weird and he cant relax around me because I'm boring and ruin fun and apparently tell him off all the time.

I'm really, really upset about it but he's not said sorry, he was quite happy to leave the conversation there. When I told him that made me feel like crap he said 'see, this is why I don't want you there, all you do is argue'

I'm utterly confused as he has mentioned in the past that our problems are down to me not having a life of my own and that I don't make an effort to meet people. But now I have a chance, he wont let me. I've been having a lot of confidence issues recently, I've never had such low confidence in my life. This hasn't helped matters.

Am I right to be feeling as upset as I do or am I being over sensitive?

He is either ashamed of you or looking to get off with someone from work.
Neither of these scenarios are good.

RooneyMara Fri 10-May-13 10:35:57

Oh God this sounds awful.

I had a sort of boyfriend for a while who wanted me to help set up for his party, but then refused to speak to me or stand near me during it - I wasn't introduced to any of his friends.

I wasn't even officially his girlfriend, and we didn't have children. I am so sorry for you. He sounds horrible x

ouryve Fri 10-May-13 10:36:34

Definitely not over-sensitive. He's being a twat.

Dahlen Fri 10-May-13 10:37:00

Honestly? I'd be more than upset, I'd be leaving.

You have a child together and he hasn't introduced you to his friends or colleagues? I'm not surprised your confidence is at an all-time low. This man is making you feel completely superfluous to requirements.

Tell me, do you do all the housework? Does he continue his social life uninterrupted since having your child?

Yonihadtoask Fri 10-May-13 10:37:32

This is not good OP.

You aren't being over sensitive at all.

XP did stuff like this. Hence the X.

Hassled Fri 10-May-13 10:38:07

No, you're not being over sensitive - that's a shit way to treat someone you're meant to love and be committed to.

How are things apart from this - I mean do you generally get on, have a laugh together etc? I take it you've met his family etc?

NotTreadingGrapes Fri 10-May-13 10:38:43

The first part of your post I could understand his POV. Lads night out kind of birthday, fair enough. To be honest, I wouldn't want to be with mine when he's with his blokey mates. And mine has been at his current job for 2 yrs and I don't know any of his workmates.

but the reason he gave you for not wanting you there is not on. Does he often criticise you like that?

MMMarmite Fri 10-May-13 10:39:04

"I'm boring and ruin fun and apparently tell him off all the time." That's a really horrible thing to say. I'm not surprised you're upset.

I think it's okay for couples to sometimes want to socialise separately, but it's not like you are coming to every single social - this is your first time out in 2 years! I think he's being very unkind.

MMMarmite Fri 10-May-13 10:40:42

You say you are having confidence issues recently - I suspect this might be due to living with a man who doesn't value you and says cruel things to you.

Stubbed56 Fri 10-May-13 10:40:44

I think you should dump him. What's he going to be like after 15 years? Find someone who deserves you

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 10-May-13 10:41:16

This sounds horrible sad

I'd try to break it down.

First, I'd speak to him about how he's made you feel. Whether he feels like that or not, he should care that he's made you feel bad. It doesn't sound like he is. He doesn't sound at all sorry that he's hurt you. That's not good.

As for having a life of your own: do you? It sounds like he sees his friends as work as HIS friends, not YOUR friends collectively, and he doesn't want you to get to know them. That's not good, either. It suggests that either he hasn't told them about you, or that they are people that he knows you wouldn't like/approve of/get along with. That or he doesn't want you to be friends with his new work friends, and is trying desperately to keep his two lives separate.

Do you get chance to go out and meet new people? Would you want too? It's okay him saying that you need too, but if he doesn't actually give you chance, it counts for nothing. Are there clubs or exercise classes or anything nearby that you could meet new people, away from him?

pinkyredrose Fri 10-May-13 10:41:19

You've been with him 2 1/2 yrs and never met his friends? He says he can't relax around you!! That's totally unacceptable.

Has he met your friends and family OP? Do you live together?

Oh dear, OP sad - that's not good.

He says he can't relax around you???? Normal behaviour would be to encourage you to come along, not try to put you off with poor excuses and then blame you for being upset. Normal behaviour would be to see that mums with small babies need nights out! His workmates do know about you, don't they?

It all sounds pretty dodgy to me, I'm sorry.

And you are still with him because?.

Honestly I'd be leaving this immature manchild and make a life for yourself and your son without his daily malign presence in it. He's taking you for a complete ride.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 10:46:55

What an arse!!! I'd be telling him to piss off to his precious party, shut the door behind him and not bother coming home. You're 'too sensible'???

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 10:48:28

"I've been having a lot of confidence issues recently, I've never had such low confidence in my life. "

You don't have 'confidence issues', you have 'I live with an insulting, condescending prick issues'. Very easily resolved.

Numberlock Fri 10-May-13 10:49:46

This isn't even worth working on. (Where would you even start?)

Start making an exit plan.

First question - Do you own a home together?

NaggingGirlfriend Fri 10-May-13 11:00:15

Thanks everyone.

Il try and answer as many questions as possible.

Yes we do live together - we rent.

I don't have friends of my own any where near. I have made an effort to meet 2 people since I've moved though.

Its not an all male thing, he works with a mix of people and they will all be there and a lot of them will bring their dps. They definitely know about me.

Yes I do all the housework, sort all bills and do all childcare. Although he's not got a huge social life he has continued it since I've had my dd.

I've only met his mum and dad a handful of time but he has a huge family. Most of them live quite far away. Hes met all my family and a few of my friends when they can get time to come and visit.

Things aren't brilliant between us, they were but now he seems to be getting nastier every day. He smokes weed and when he isn't smoking it hes not nice to be around. He only really goes near me, makes eye contact and conversation when he smokes. He says he needs to smoke to deal with me sometimes.

I realise Im not painting a good picture but I have nowhere else to go.

PeppermintPasty Fri 10-May-13 11:02:51

Cogito beat me to it, he's an arse of the highest order. Immature and spiteful as well, to judge by the comments about you being boring etc.

How do you feel about telling him where to go?

BeCool Fri 10-May-13 11:02:58

I agree with other posters - there are 2 main issues here:
1. He has an ulterior motive for not wanting you at the party, possibly OW ; and
2. To put you down so horribly as a reason to keep you away from the party is disgraceful.

Is it a 'lads only' party? Do you think they are planning strip club or similar? Is that why he doest want you there but he's not being honest about the party.

If it's not a men only party (can't believe I just typed that) then you need to consider why he REALLY doesn't want you there.

OP this man doesn't have any respect for you at all. You are not being overly sensitive and living with such an arse I'm not surprised your confidence is very low.

What can you do to improve your confidence and assertiveness? Do you want to continue a relationship with someone who doesn't want to socialise with you?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 11:04:22

I'm sorry that you are in such a terrible situation and with such a horrible man. There are always options so please don't think you have nowhere to go. Womens Aid are really helpful for women like yourself who are being emotionally abused by their partners. They can give you a lot of practical information. CAB can help you with things like finances and benefits. I'm sure your parents would want to help if they knew how bad things were.

Please get yourself and your baby away from someone that clearly has no love or respect for you whatsoever.

PeppermintPasty Fri 10-May-13 11:04:33

oh x post. But the above still stands.

And he smokes weed. What a surprise. Sorry, he's a loser.

What about your family, can they help you?

NaggingGirlfriend Fri 10-May-13 11:11:16

I'm not sure about family. I don't really get along with them. I know my parents would take me in for a little bit but every time I'm home it really affects my mental health.

I don't feel like its enough to call womens aid. I had a relationship with a worse man before this one who used to my emotionally and physically abusive. This doesn't feel the same.

Wow, writing all this makes me feel like the loser. I've made some awful decisions and I'm only 23.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 11:15:15

It is plenty bad enough to call Womens Aid. Just because you've experienced worse than this, doesn't mean that what you're experiencing now isn't appalling. You don't have to have a black eye to be abused. If you were a cat, we'd be calling the RSPCA...

And you're not a loser. Yes, you've made a mistake getting into a relationship with this man but I'm guessing he wasn't always the way he is now? Abusive men are very manipulative, very difficult to spot in a crowded room and we've all made mistakes when we're young and naive. The trick is to recognise that he's the problem, not you..... and then to get shot of him.

Please call Womens Aid.

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