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If this is a red flag why/how is it a red flag?

(41 Posts)
four125 Fri 10-May-13 10:11:07

I have read that someone trying to rush you in a relationship - please can someone explain why?

As background I have a bf, been together for 6 months & he wants us to move in together. I don't.
I am quite happy where I am for now although I think I would be ready to reconsider this in another 6 months time.
We would be looking to rent so he isn't after any income or property of mine. In fact I would be considerably better off if we did move in together.
His rushing is making me want to slow down.

cory Sat 18-May-13 11:22:06

It is not a red flag if two people fall in love and mutually decide they want to move in together within the first few weeks.

It is not a red flag if one person wants to move in, the other doesn't and the person who does respects the wishes of the person who doesn't.

It is a red flag if one person feels emotionally pressurised into doing something intimate and personal they'd rather not because of the reaction of the other partner. And it is a red flag because that kind of imbalance (I must go with his wishes because he gets so upset/otherwise I'm a nasty person) once establised is terribly hard to break.

I knew within a week of meeting dh that he was the person I wanted to spend my life with: I'd have moved in with him then and there. Dh needed another 3 years (including a break in the middle) to know. I respected his needs. We've had a very happy 20 years together since.

CrapBag Sat 18-May-13 11:05:29

Does he know that pushing the issue is the beginning of the end? I he did would that change his viewpoint?

What were his good counter arguments anyway and why is he so adamant it should be now? Is it purely because he has to move out soon and he is so in love with you? Just curious as to why he is adamant when you have said you are not sure.

Also just because he still thinks you should live together now, doesn't mean it happens and that's that. Can you just not say "no I don't want to move in now, its too soon" and just carry on the way you are and let him do his moving anyway? I'm not sure why it has to be the end, unless he is saying "move in with me or that's it" then that is a good reason to cut your losses.

four125 Tue 14-May-13 19:37:37

We had the talk, I explained my points calmly and succinctly.
He made some good counter arguments and listened to me to a certain extent but ultimately he still wants us to live together now.

I'm weighing up my options but I think this has to be the beginning of the end really.

Ah well, better to know now I suppose.

Dryjuice25 Tue 14-May-13 11:34:09

You really should hold off this moving in together with this man as this sounds incredibly rushed and children are also involved and if it goes wrong, then more people will be affected.

It sounds suitably convenient for him to move in and I don't like the fact that you feel rushed about it. Just because you feel right for each other doesn't mean you have to ignore your true feelings about the direction of this relationship. He might not have felt the same about his previous women but that doesn't mean he is entitled to ignore your concerns and gut feelings just because he loves you. Red flags there.

CrapBag Mon 13-May-13 22:19:13

"Well the fact that you have children is a very big reason to avoid moving in with someone you've only known for 6 months IMO"

This is a good point.

And I stand by my comment then, maybe you need to start believing more that you have found a good man and he does actually really like you. smile

Keep us updated. smile

Obviously if he pushes and isn't taking no for an answer then that's different.

Jan49 Sun 12-May-13 23:12:33

Well the fact that you have children is a very big reason to avoid moving in with someone you've only known for 6 months IMO.

Mumsyblouse Sun 12-May-13 21:53:46

I think your niggle is simply that you are not ready, it doesn't have to mean you won't be in a few months or even years time, or that he's the wrong person. You just want to see more, and are a bit cautious, this is not a problem and I would never rush into anything, just go at your own speed. My husband was ready to settle down much faster than myself, but I just went at my own pace. I do think he should back off a bit though, or at least not keep discussing it if you've said you are not ready, and I would definitely wait til the back end of the year before revisiting it.

four125 Sun 12-May-13 21:46:39

No, CBag I think you have a good point there.
Intellectually I do think I deserve a good man but maybe I don't really 'believe' it deep down.

Lewji yes, I have some confirmation about the previous partners and short of looking them up on fbook to check (which I'm not about to do btw) I think I have had a reasonable account of events.

Jan49 No, we are both in our 40s, he was married for many years, they were together for 10+ years from their teens. Then single and went out with a few women over a few years, then he was in relationship for 3 years, then dating/ going out with some women before he met me.
He does have a DC and so do I so we will need a house that is big enough for them, which we can afford.
I don't know about someone else to do his cleaning but I can't cook and he's pretty well house trained!
It may seem dull but we're happy with it, I like his company and we do go out sometimes.

I am going to talk to him in a few minutes.

diddl Sun 12-May-13 13:57:09

He doesn't really seem to be thinking of you tbh.

He wants/needs to move & it seems to be a case of "four125 might as well come with me"-rather than-"I'd really like us to live together".

Jan49 Sun 12-May-13 13:17:40

There's a few things I'd be wary of. Firstly his keenness to move in together which seems to be for his own convenience. Secondly his history of relationships. He's been married and divorced and has a dd and had a number of other relationships? How old are you both? Also I'd expect someone with a past history that includes divorce to be wary of getting involved again, not rushing into it as he is. I'm wondering if he is a man in his 40s and you're in your 20s? (Sorry, wild guess). Could he be looking for something other than a romantic partner - is he sick of doing his own washing and cleaning and the moment you moved in together he'd expect you to take over? If he has a dd (not sure if I got that right) won't you need a house big enough for her to visit and stay and what arrangement does he have now? If he has a child under 18 then for her sake he shouldn't be rushing into a new live-in partnership. Thirdly, just 6 months into a relationship a normal evening together consists of being at home not doing anything in particular and sometimes him watching TV and you reading? That sounds a bit dull for a new relationship! That's another reason why I am wondering about how old he is.

I think you should listen to your instincts. You don't want to move in with him yet and you're worried that his reasons for wanting to aren't the right ones. So don't move in together. Just carry on dating and see what happens. If he puts you under a lot of pressure, then tell him it puts you off him and reconsider the relationship.

Lweji Sun 12-May-13 12:59:17

He only has to move by the end of the year, so tell him you want to take things slowly in that respect.
He should back off noticeably.

If he doesn't then you may have something to worry about.

Do you have further confirmation that what he said about previous partners is true?

CrapBag Sun 12-May-13 12:38:41

I think it is more a case of you are thinking that there has to be something wrong with him because you think he is too good to be true. Like you say, he is a perfect fit for you, you enjoy his company just doing nothing and you spend most night together. He laso hasn't rushed to move in with anyone else. I think he does genuinely really like you which is why he is trying to rush.

Do you feel that you deserve someone who treats you right? That may be me making wild assumptions so feel free to ignore. But that fact that you would even think of looking for a red flag makes me think you have been burned in the past. If me and DH split and I met someone else, I wouldn't have a clue about abusive behaviour or dodgy things to look for because I have never dealt with anyone like that.

Although if you really don't want to move in, then don't but I think you are looking for reasons that aren't there.

Hissy Sat 11-May-13 00:59:56

Trust your instinct. 6m is no time at all. Listen to what your gut is telling you.

You say you had a major disagreement. Why? what about?

four125 Sat 11-May-13 00:39:17

Thank you again for all of your comments.

hassled & cogito you are right, the moving in together for practical reasons is not terribly romantic, no! He can stay where he is for a while but he will have to move before about the end of the year. He's lived alone for many years, he has had shorter relationships as well as a long one since his marriage but he hasn't wanted to move in with anyone until me.
So he isn't/hasn't been in a hurry to move in with anyone until me.

McB I don't think I'm looking for fault in him, in fact, he's pretty much a perfect fit for me.
That's one of the things that bothers me, I think; if something is too good to be true......

dee we usually spend 5 nights a week together, often not doing very much! I enjoy his company even when he's watching tv and I'm reading or whatever.
We have formal date time sometimes but it's mostly just normal relaxing at home.

Financially I am self sufficent, I earn a good wage and he does too, if I lived with him and split the bills I would be much better off!
I could get out if I needed to and still enjoy a reasonable standard of living.

So, all seems fine.
But he is just so very keen and persistent with it.
When I've questioned he says he's just fallen in love with me and wants us to be together.
His enthusiasm feels disingenuous to me somehow, this could just as easily be my hang up as his, or a bit of both.

ClippedPhoenix Sat 11-May-13 00:15:10

I dont think this is a "red flag" issue to be honest. It's nothing to dump someone over. Circumstances do play a part in things sometimes. It would suit him but not you. Just tell him you aren't ready. No need to look into things with a fine tooth comb here.

Monty27 Sat 11-May-13 00:08:42

Trust you're instinct, don't be railroaded into it. You're clearly not ready. That's for him to deal with not you. It'll go wrong if you get pushed into it imo.

WafflyVersatile Sat 11-May-13 00:06:46

Lots of people move in together because it saves money. It's not necessarily a massive commitment. And moving is expensive when you have to pay ridiculous agent fees, moving costs etc. so it would seem like your partner is putting these practicalities into his thinking, rather than just being based on wanting to be with you. Also he may not like living alone.

It doesn't sound like a red flag in the context of your other post, but really if it's not what you want then don't be pressured into doing it.

Smellslikecatspee Fri 10-May-13 23:57:01

Make your 'niggle' physical.

What I mean is (sorry if this sounds odd) but lots of us put off little niggles.

BUT have you ever had a bit of grit in your shoe?

A tiny one, that makes you stop and jiggle your shoe every few steps?

But works its way back from wherever its hidden and hurts like hell.

But when the grit comes out it hurts like hell, you'll stop and make sure you'll get rid, wouldn't you?

You'd think anyone who walks for miles in a shoe with grit that only hurts like hell every couple of steps a fool for not stopping after a mile and sitting down and getting rid of the grit / niggle for good.

Wouldn't you?

I'm not saying dump him, that's up to you, it's not your responsibility to make sure he has somewhere to live, he's an adult.

Rushing in to a relationship isn't necessarily a red flag ( though it can be), the red flag is that you don't feel happy.

That's it.

You're allowed have feeling both positive and negative about how the relationship goes, and allowed to act on your feelings.

SavoyCabbage Fri 10-May-13 23:13:34

It really sounds like you are not ready to live with him yes, so you shouldn't. He will have to move when it's time to move and sort out his own living arrangements and them you can revisit moving in together in the future. It's not a now or never situation.

deedotty Fri 10-May-13 23:06:43

Forgot something....smile

Just to say, you can just NOT WANT TO DO SOMETHING and its fine, you don't need to get an official reason for it.

Its unlikely I'd want to live with a man in the future, that's fine, I don't need to massively justify it or think it means I love a partner any less, or think he's a bad guy for suggesting it...

Long term I'd say a lot of people are into the "being together, living apart" lifestyle (if they're VERY rich they even get neighbouring houses envy)

If something is 'niggling' at you then be very careful and take your time.

deedotty Fri 10-May-13 22:58:12

1. How much low key domestic time to you spend together at the moment? I mean do you spend - say - 3-4 nights per week together, keep loads of stuff at each others places, cook together and do the "boring stuff" together, have very long weekends so "making one place" would just be a formality as your domestic arrangements are fairly intertwined anyway? Or is it more "formal date time"?

2. Just out of interest, IF things did go wrong would you have a good back up plan or would you be fucked? (sorry I'm in a sweary mood today blush). I think I'm getting that he earns more so could afford a nicer place together based on joint income, which is cool, BUT what would happen if you had to split up and you couldn't afford the rent or to raise a new deposit on your own, etc, etc? (just food for thought)

Good luck, hope it goes well whatever you decide smile

McBalls Fri 10-May-13 22:06:03

I think there is sometimes (only sometimes) a danger of looking for a fault on the part of the other person when all that's up is you aren't all that into them.

When a person sticks with a partner who's alright, acceptable, 'will do for now', they can ignore the doubts until the other person starts making noises about deepening the commitment and rather than face the fact that you've allowed a so-so relationship develop (because its better than being alone? Because there are certain benefits in continuing?) you look for the source of the doubt in the character of the other person.

Could it be that?

Hassled Fri 10-May-13 21:55:10

I think Cogito has it - what's on your mind is the fact it's convenient for him to move in with you. It's hardly the most romantic reason, is it?

If you're not happy or ready, then stick to your guns. This is too big a decision to piss about with.

CrapBag Fri 10-May-13 21:52:20

If something is niggling you then you know its too soon. Whether its a red flag or not, you clearly don't want to do it yet so don't. Are you in love with him? Could this be why you aren't sure?

Sorry I had to ask about the red flag thing but I am very fortunate (at least it seems so after reading these boards) but I don't know any abusive men. My DH is a decent man and so are the DH's of all my friends so I don't actually know anything about abusive behaviour, patterns, red flags etc.

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