Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

If this is a red flag why/how is it a red flag?

(41 Posts)
four125 Fri 10-May-13 10:11:07

I have read that someone trying to rush you in a relationship - please can someone explain why?

As background I have a bf, been together for 6 months & he wants us to move in together. I don't.
I am quite happy where I am for now although I think I would be ready to reconsider this in another 6 months time.
We would be looking to rent so he isn't after any income or property of mine. In fact I would be considerably better off if we did move in together.
His rushing is making me want to slow down.

expatinscotland Fri 10-May-13 10:12:51

Is he still trying to push this even though you have told him you do not want to move in together yet?

CrapBag Fri 10-May-13 10:14:15

Why would it be a red flag? Maybe he is keen and doesn't see it as rushing things.

Me and DH moved in together after 5 months. 13 years later we are still together. I wouldn't see that on its own as a red flag.

ColinCaterpillar Fri 10-May-13 10:16:01

Because a) rushing or forcing you into a decision about anything is a red flag - you should have a say too and b) the more committed you are the harder it is for you to leave, you are vulnerable and that makes EA partners feel they have free reign to treat you as they wish and gives greater control over you if you inhabit the same space

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 10-May-13 10:32:14

If you're not ready or willing he should accept this is how you feel.

If you can verbalise why then that's a bonus, but you don't have to justify or explain or excuse how you feel.

A red flag would be if he sulked, persistently cajoled you or rubbished your reasons for waiting.

Dahlen Fri 10-May-13 10:32:58

The reason it's considered a red flag is because abusers try to secure their victims very quickly. It normally follows a set pattern of falling in love very quickly, declaring that they know you're the one and different to all the others, then wanting to move in together/get married. Once you're 'in' and have so much more invested in the relationship, the controlling behaviour usually starts, slowly isolating you from friends, family and colleagues, usually dressed up as concern for your welfare or a sign of how much he loves you.

Many people move in after 6 months and it works out. It would be too soon for me, but 6 months isn't 6 weeks. Wanting to move in after this time isn't in itself a red flag. Just as there is no 'right' amount of time to get over someone, there is no 'right' amount of time after which you can say, yes, this is someone I want to live with.

However, under normal circumstances, how well can you possibly know someone after 6 months?

Have you had a holiday together yet to see if the 'mask' of good behaviour slips at all and what you're like together in a confined space without the ability to have time to yourself? Do you have full details of his financial affairs? Have you had your first major disagreement so that you know how he handles conflict? Have you discussed how you split things financially/domestically and do you have the same ideas on it? Have you met all his friends and family? What do you know about his previous relationships and what has he said about his own part in them breaking down? Is he accepting responsibility or is it all the Xs fault?

If you don't have those answers yet or aren't happy with the ones you've been given, or even if you just don't want to, don't do it. If he doesn't accept your viewpoint, that's a MAJOR red flag because it shows he considers his desires more important than yours and is willing to ride roughshod over your opinions and feelings.

ouryve Fri 10-May-13 10:33:28

It's a red flag if he's not willing to listen to and respect your views.

ColinCaterpillar Fri 10-May-13 10:34:40

I love dahlen's post. Perfect

fubbsy Fri 10-May-13 10:38:59

If his rushing is making me want to slow down, then slow down. Your feelings and desires are just as important as his.

If he is a decent bloke, he will be understanding and respectful. If he tries to pressurise you, that is a massive red flag.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 10:39:26

Rushing someone in a relationship against their wishes is essentially disrespectful. It's saying 'your opinion doesn't matter, what I want is more important'. If it makes you uncomfortable, then it's probably not the right decision for you and you're right to back off.

In isolation you could treat it as flattering enthusiasm perhaps. If there are other things he decides that you don't agree with or if he pushes for other things that you feel go against your better judgement then be conscious that this may be indicative of his behaviour more broadly and be wary.

It can be a red flag if you are being pressured.

But also, it just might be the most perfect relationship in the world, and you're both too old and wise to want to waste another second of your lives apart (as happened with me). You need to stack it up against the other things - the most important one is "how does he treat his family (especially his mother, sisters, daughters)." Does he have a healthy, respectful relationship with females in his family, i.e. not putting them on a pedestal and not putting them down either.

But if his rushing is making you want to slow down, have a think about what your instincts are telling you.

four125 Fri 10-May-13 13:39:17

Thank you for the points you make, especially dahlen for laying out the situation so succinctly.

At the moment I have suggested we start looking to move in together in Sept/Oct.
He is keen and he does want it to happen now, he isn't pushing me but his current living conditions aren't ideal and he needs to move so this is a factor.

We've had short breaks away but no holiday yet although we have one booked, a week, just the two of us in July.

I have most details of his financial affairs although I haven't asked about the finer details yet, I will before we look to move in together.

We have had a major disagreement, during which he didn't insult me or behave in any way to ring alarm bells and it was resolved well.

We have briefly discussed a financial/domestic split and we are agreed as far as our expectations go.

I know a lot about the breakdown of his marriage, he doesn't blame her and takes responsibility for his part in it.
In his other major serious relationship he ended it because she had two affairs (he says) so he couldn't continue.

I have met the majority of his friends and family (they are spread globally).

world his Mum is very religious in a judgemental way, she is quite a character. He neither shares her beliefs nor her opinions, she can be difficult with all of her children (his DB struggles with this more than he does), DP handles her well.
He gets on well with his sister and her family, he doesn't have a daughter and has a (mostly) good relationship with his ex wife. His best friend is a woman - I like her too.
He doesn't have any problem with women, he is respectful and fair.

But something is still niggling at me and I can't seem to put my finger on it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 13:42:33

The thing that would 'niggle' me out of that list is that his living conditions seem to be what's driving his desire to move in together. In your shoes I would feel that I was a convenience rather than a conscious choice.

Whatever... if you're not 100% comfortable, just don't make any plans. Independence is far too precious a thing to give up if it's not completely right.

It's understandable that even a nice man might want to move in a bit quickly because of particular living circumstances. But you still don't have to agree to it if you don't feel ready to do so.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 10-May-13 13:56:30

I was renting when I met now DH and within a few months my lease was expiring and he invited me to move in. I had options. I knew I could move in and as swiftly, out. I knew it was taking our relationship up to another level and felt ready.

You may not be able to define that niggle OP but if it's there you're not ready.

VenusRising Fri 10-May-13 14:00:19

Trust your gut.

If its too soon, then you are right.

Love dahlen's post: perfectly said!

CrapBag Fri 10-May-13 21:52:20

If something is niggling you then you know its too soon. Whether its a red flag or not, you clearly don't want to do it yet so don't. Are you in love with him? Could this be why you aren't sure?

Sorry I had to ask about the red flag thing but I am very fortunate (at least it seems so after reading these boards) but I don't know any abusive men. My DH is a decent man and so are the DH's of all my friends so I don't actually know anything about abusive behaviour, patterns, red flags etc.

Hassled Fri 10-May-13 21:55:10

I think Cogito has it - what's on your mind is the fact it's convenient for him to move in with you. It's hardly the most romantic reason, is it?

If you're not happy or ready, then stick to your guns. This is too big a decision to piss about with.

McBalls Fri 10-May-13 22:06:03

I think there is sometimes (only sometimes) a danger of looking for a fault on the part of the other person when all that's up is you aren't all that into them.

When a person sticks with a partner who's alright, acceptable, 'will do for now', they can ignore the doubts until the other person starts making noises about deepening the commitment and rather than face the fact that you've allowed a so-so relationship develop (because its better than being alone? Because there are certain benefits in continuing?) you look for the source of the doubt in the character of the other person.

Could it be that?

deedotty Fri 10-May-13 22:58:12

1. How much low key domestic time to you spend together at the moment? I mean do you spend - say - 3-4 nights per week together, keep loads of stuff at each others places, cook together and do the "boring stuff" together, have very long weekends so "making one place" would just be a formality as your domestic arrangements are fairly intertwined anyway? Or is it more "formal date time"?

2. Just out of interest, IF things did go wrong would you have a good back up plan or would you be fucked? (sorry I'm in a sweary mood today blush). I think I'm getting that he earns more so could afford a nicer place together based on joint income, which is cool, BUT what would happen if you had to split up and you couldn't afford the rent or to raise a new deposit on your own, etc, etc? (just food for thought)

Good luck, hope it goes well whatever you decide smile

If something is 'niggling' at you then be very careful and take your time.

deedotty Fri 10-May-13 23:06:43

Forgot something....smile

Just to say, you can just NOT WANT TO DO SOMETHING and its fine, you don't need to get an official reason for it.

Its unlikely I'd want to live with a man in the future, that's fine, I don't need to massively justify it or think it means I love a partner any less, or think he's a bad guy for suggesting it...

Long term I'd say a lot of people are into the "being together, living apart" lifestyle (if they're VERY rich they even get neighbouring houses envy)

SavoyCabbage Fri 10-May-13 23:13:34

It really sounds like you are not ready to live with him yes, so you shouldn't. He will have to move when it's time to move and sort out his own living arrangements and them you can revisit moving in together in the future. It's not a now or never situation.

Smellslikecatspee Fri 10-May-13 23:57:01

Make your 'niggle' physical.

What I mean is (sorry if this sounds odd) but lots of us put off little niggles.

BUT have you ever had a bit of grit in your shoe?

A tiny one, that makes you stop and jiggle your shoe every few steps?

But works its way back from wherever its hidden and hurts like hell.

But when the grit comes out it hurts like hell, you'll stop and make sure you'll get rid, wouldn't you?

You'd think anyone who walks for miles in a shoe with grit that only hurts like hell every couple of steps a fool for not stopping after a mile and sitting down and getting rid of the grit / niggle for good.

Wouldn't you?

I'm not saying dump him, that's up to you, it's not your responsibility to make sure he has somewhere to live, he's an adult.

Rushing in to a relationship isn't necessarily a red flag ( though it can be), the red flag is that you don't feel happy.

That's it.

You're allowed have feeling both positive and negative about how the relationship goes, and allowed to act on your feelings.

WafflyVersatile Sat 11-May-13 00:06:46

Lots of people move in together because it saves money. It's not necessarily a massive commitment. And moving is expensive when you have to pay ridiculous agent fees, moving costs etc. so it would seem like your partner is putting these practicalities into his thinking, rather than just being based on wanting to be with you. Also he may not like living alone.

It doesn't sound like a red flag in the context of your other post, but really if it's not what you want then don't be pressured into doing it.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now