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Another Iphone snooping question!!

(23 Posts)
FetchTheServants Sat 11-May-13 01:09:29

Oops

FetchTheServants Sat 11-May-13 01:09:01

Thanks for replies - probably a pop-up. But the fact that I need to wonder says it all really.

Don't want to come across as a serial snooper or be one - whoever said it was grubby is correct and it really doesn't make you feel any better when you're doing it. Plus if you don't find anything you then wonder if it's because there's nothing to find or whether really well hidden - totally messes with your mind!

Being honest the 'compulsion' to look grows when I look at mumsnet - so I tend to avoid the relationship forum!!

Did think it was possible to continue the relationship and even make it better - but the logical side of me kept reminding me of the deceit, lies by omission and basically how could someone I trusted with my life do this to me.

So I know I did try and at times attempted to ignore my inner voice - but in the end I don't want to be with someone who has betrayed me even if I knew they would never do it again.

So in the background I'm sorting out separation agreement, where to live, the finances and change of job whilst keeping things as smooth as possible for the kids.

FetchTheServants Sat 11-May-13 01:06:17

Thanks for replies - probably a pop-up. But the fact that I need to wonder says it all really.

Don't want to come across as a serial snooper or be one - whoever said it was grubby is correct and it really doesn't make you feel any better when you're doing it. Plus if you don't find anything you then wonder if it's because there's nothing to find or whether really well hidden - totally messes with your mind!

Being honest the 'compulsion' to look grows when I look at mumsnet - so I tend to avoid the relationship forum!!

Did think it was possible to continue the relationship and even make it better - but the logical side of me kept reminding me of the deceit, lies by omission and basically how could someone I trusted with my life do this to me.

So I know I did try and at times attempted to ignore my inner voice - but in the end I don't want to be with someone who has betrayed me even if I knew they would never do it again.

So in the background I'm sorting out separation agreement, where to live, the finances and change of job whilst keeping things as smooth as possible for the kids.

blueshoes Fri 10-May-13 19:37:43

There are the things the OP's DH admits to like setting up of a secret email account to receive explicit pics of some woman he met in a bar. And there are the things he did not. He claims to have reformed but the OP needs to understand if there is anything else he is hiding.

It is not always One Strike and you are Out, particularly where children are involved. Even if the OP intends to leave her dh eventually, choosing the right time is important as is leaving on her terms.

blueshoes Fri 10-May-13 19:31:23

Actually not, katie. Why on earth would you think I am 'postal'? Is expressing a contrary view to LTB now going 'postal'. You have a strange reality.

You chose the wrong thread to go postal over LTB blue, didnt you? do admit wink

dontyouwantmebaby Fri 10-May-13 18:34:36

blueshoes the OP stated she was already LTB.

So from that info, I don't think anyone on here was suggesting she must LTB now 'in order to satisfy their bloodlust'. Advice given on leaving sooner rather than later was in the OPs best interest. Staying any longer on this miserable path with the agony and torture that comes with snooping (sanctioned & sanitised or not), could be avoidable. Esp when the OPs decision about the future of the relationship has already been made.

FWIW I do 'get' the need to snoop in the hope of finding more evidence/closure/whatever you want to call it. But in this case, the setting up of a secret email account to receive explicit pics of some woman he met in a bar, the damning evidence is already there.

To answer your question about cookies, it depends on the settings on the iPhone. Go to Settings, scroll down to Safari, and under the Privacy option it will say Accept Cookies. The options here are between From Visited, Never and Always.
This knowledge will not help you one way or the other though.
He could have had Always set. He'll get cookies from sites he was never on. The settings could have been changed recently to Never, but the cookie is already on the phone. Iyswim?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 17:54:28

@blueshoes ....the OP is already leaving on the evidence of what she already knows. She says it 'suits me right now to stay' but has a plan to go. My point is what possible comfort can she get, having made that decision, to then go to great lengths to discover exactly how big a shit she has decided to stay with? Answer... none whatsoever. In fact, what happens (and I know because I've experienced of it myself) is that it starts to become compulsive, obsessional behaviour, raking up every last piece of dirt, that leaves the injured party feeling worse - largely about themselves. 'Closure' is the very last thing it achieves.

blueshoes Fri 10-May-13 17:38:15

To some posters, it is not enough that the OP must LTB once he has strayed, apparently she must LTB now to satisfy their bloodlust.

The OP has full access to her DH's laptop and phone and bank accounts. Therefore, he has sanctioned her snooping. No fun snooping around sanitised devices, is it? The truth is somewhere out there. I always believe in due diligence and informed decisions. It might hurt to find out the truth. But better to make the right decision with enough evidence, especially where there are children involved, than to make one in haste (LTB apparently) and then wonder what if?

It is called closure. If the OP finds out something she is not happy with, it will be a good hurt but the catalyst for the right decision for her.

Cosmosim Fri 10-May-13 17:27:25

I just looked at mine and there's site like ancestry.com that I know for certain I've never visited.. And are from a pop up advert

Cosmosim Fri 10-May-13 17:21:07

Nothing wrong with snooping in this scenario. He lied, wants to earn her trust, she's trying to find out if he's continuing to lie or not. She doesn't currently trust him but she does need to coparent with him for at least another decade and have some sort of a relationship with him for the sake of their child. i would want to know if I was being played or if I could learn to trust and rely on him as a coparent in the future.

Looksgoodingravy Fri 10-May-13 17:10:55

And I think the need to know the whole truth is possibly the verification the OP needs that she's doing the right thing, maybe?

Looksgoodingravy Fri 10-May-13 17:01:45

I can understand the advice you've been given OP but I also understand where the op's coming from with the 'need to know' desire.

Once you've been lied to it's hard to let go of the fact that there possibly is more to the story. The whole truth is what some of us need to move on either with or without our partner.

Nobody wants to snoop, it feels grubby but then nobody wants to be lied to either.

It's hard to understand unless you've been there.

Op has already decided she's LTB

namechangedatm Fri 10-May-13 16:55:40

Snooping is wrong, I hate it. I'd go mad if my boyfriend snooped on me. I would have left after what he did, it's madness living your life like that, you'll become a paranoid wreck.

blueshoes Fri 10-May-13 16:44:15

ah, more LTB advice. Not surprised.

dontyouwantmebaby Fri 10-May-13 12:45:40

I don't think cogito's post was harsh, its good sensible advice. Whether the OP wants to leave him now - or later - should depend entirely on what she feels is right for her situation. Snooping any more won't help matters, it just makes you feel worse in my experience.

Am so sorry you've gone through this OP but if you've already got a plan to leave then def do it sooner rather than later for your own sake.

This is no way to live, its a waste of your time and it seems like you've already invested a lot of time checking up on things because he's lost your trust.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 08:55:12

It's not harsh at all. Snooping rarely made anyone feel better than they currently do, it just feeds the obsession of mistrust that surrounds this kind of relationship breakdown. Like picking away at a scab, hoping it bleeds. If you have plans to get out OP make them sooner rather than later because this kind of stuff will make you drive you mad.

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 10-May-13 08:47:07

Was that the whole address? If so, it's likely a pop up.

Hidden apps have to be set that way, deleting an app doesn't send it there unless you've set it up that way.

blueshoes Fri 10-May-13 08:44:00

That's a bit harsh, cognito. OP has already said she plans to leave, presumably on her terms and when she is ready.

She is entitled to snoop, as it will inform her decision whether to leave him now or later. If she wants to take him back after an affair, it is also her prerogative.

OP, sorry I cannot help you on the techie side. Hopefully someone will come along soon who can.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 10-May-13 07:57:23

Who cares? You don't trust him. You'll probably never trust him. This is your life now because you've taken back a man that cheats. Anything that happens, whether serious or trivial, whether ambiguous or unambiguous, your default setting is that you think he's lying to you. All the breaking down and crying in the world is going to get past that and it never gets any better, I warn you now.

So don't snoop on his phone, tell him to go. Tell him it's up to him to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that he is now an honest, reformed, trustworthy person.... and that, even then, you're not sure if he's worth taking a risk on. He walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and frankly, you don't need to do a DNA test to prove he's a duck....

FetchTheServants Thu 09-May-13 20:29:25

Where to start?
Usual story - discovered DH was having so-called emotional affair last year. Of course the 'cheater's script' was followed to a certain extent - he said it was someone he met in a bar whilst away with work - they chatted, she gave him her phone number and he talked to her and texted regularly. The conversations turned sexual and she was sending explicit pics to his secret email address.
Long story short we stayed together with him breaking down crying often, doesn't know how he could have done it, was living in a bubble, was a stupid fantasy life and he does all he can to make it up to me. On the surface I seem okay - but I'm not really. I have full access to his laptop and phone and bank accounts.
In my head I've checked out of the relationship and it suits me right now to stay - but I do have a plan to leave.
Anyway I know that for any relationship to continue/work there has to be complete honesty about what happened and he swears that he has been BUT...
Shortly after I discovered the affair - texts on phone and I knew the code to access- I also went onto his ITunes account and came across Hidden Purchases of Flirtomatic, Whatsapp and Match.com.
I accessed the Flirtomatic account which had been cancelled a few weeks after meeting the woman he was having the fling with. Turned out that to get the password you entered the email address and it would be sent to the email on file - Lo and behold it got sent to his email and I accessed the account that way. All his details were there - date of birth though the address was one that he had just before he met me - a few years ago.
With a bit of checking I think that if an app is deleted from an iphone it automatically goes into the Hidden Purchases section.
He is adamant that he knows nothing about any dating apps and never accessed them. What can't convince me one way or another is around that time our Home Hub was hacked into and both our emails were showing as being read although we hadn't opened them and some were deleted without our knowledge. He said he assumed I was reading them as he thought I was checking up on him. And he didn't know my password anyway. Further - films were bought on his ITunes account that he knew nothing about and when he checked back in the deleted emails there was one from iTunes warning that the film had been sent to another device - he is lax about checking his bank smt so didn't notice until I went through the Itunes purchases. So there is a chance that someone else was using his details - just before he met me he did have a stalker that had to be warned off by the police.
So -by the way - didn't meant for this to be so long!!.
Anyway reading recent posts and checking on Safari - Advanced Data it shows tracking cookies such as mookie1, rawgarden but what struck me was one from uk.match.com.
I can't see any pages looked at via Safari because the airplane mode is on when he's at home - he gives it to our toddler to play with and worries that emails might be sent in error. I don't want to turn Airplane mode back on as I don't want him to know I'm looking.

So finally how likely is it that a tracking cookie is there from match.com and it not be suspicious?

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