Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Finding it hard to wait to Meet her kid

(31 Posts)
ofmiceandmen Thu 09-May-13 18:04:46

Both myself (37) and my new partner (30) have kids, mine are both under 4 and she has a girl is 5.

I truly hadn't expected to meet someone I felt this strongly about after the split from my ex (and I did date after the split). The kids stayed with me after the split and until recently had been with me. (now live with their mother - Courts decision on their age - thats potentially another thread).

So this relationship is pretty young - 3months, and I am aware the guide book says I should have waited for her to meet the kids but I guess I just felt it was important that I knew she could interact well with the children and wanted her to get to know me (they are now pretty much my right and left arms).
Well she has met my kids and my family and everyone loves her, kids included.
but the thing is I havent met her family, friends or daughter as yet and suddenly I feel I am standing at the edge of a precipice and rather exposed.

We had discussed meeting her family and had set a good timeline as to when this should happen - 7/8 months etc. But recently this has got extended and I havent met any of her friends.

I know 3 months is far too soon, but i guess I felt strongly about things.
I needed to

We talk of a future we, do all the things a long term committed couple do and yes we hold hands in public in her town/city and she has never made me feel any less important in the relationship.
Her daughter is aware of me and I get the most wonderful videos and images that really have made me feel like I am one of their family.
Which is what is making it hard. Like glimpses to future, teasing almost.

So the question is; How do I wind things back without making it seem as though I am closing up.
I respect her decision to protect her daughter and would rather give her and her family time but I cant help feeling vulnerable and no matter what I may pretend - its affecting me, knowing that she's seen into every facet of my life and all I get is a look through the glass.

Of course I may be missing something. There really should be a Debretts on this sort of thing.

Note: I am a black male (mixed kids) and she is caucasian; so I am aware there could be a race element at play hence the desire to give her family time and thats why I was an open book, I wanted her to understand and accept who I am - race and all.

Am I over thinking this?

Troubledjo Thu 09-May-13 19:52:21

I would definitely expect to meet some of her friends within a year - it's very hard to get to know someone properly without seeing the people around them. And I would expect her to want her friends to meet you too.
Try not to let it make you feel insecure. I know where you are coming from with the race thing though too. Although I am white my DD is mixed race and I know I have been extra protective of her and just watching out for any signs of racism from the members of DP's family who I have met. Which is sad really - and there haven't been any - but I think new relationships are hard enough as it is, and when you throw DCs into the mix you do start feeling a little insecure and over-protective of them. I guess it's all part of working it out though...
Good luck! It is quite complicated all this new relationship stuff.

2cats2many Thu 09-May-13 20:15:49

I would be very hmm if a boyfriend didn't introduce me to any of his
friends after 3 months, so I can see where you are coming from.

Family and children are a whole other ball game.

Dahlen Thu 09-May-13 20:47:13

First off, I don't think you should worry about what you're feeling. It's not a sign of insecurity or neediness IMO. Most people who are dating and fall in love quickly feel what you're feeling. The distinction comes in what you do about it. If you act needy, you (and the object of your desire) have a problem. If you can take a look at your feelings, acknowledge them, laugh at them, and then act more appropriately, that makes you normal. wink

As for how do you pull back? It's simple. You behave exactly the same as you always do when you're with her, but you make sure you make only 50% of the effort to arrange future dates and in the meantime you develop your life outside her as much as possible so you don't spend so much time thinking about her. It's a case of faking it til you make it.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Thu 09-May-13 21:17:29

Yeah, the friends bit is weird. I would pull her up on that.

awaywego1 Fri 10-May-13 06:52:58

You sound lovely and sensible but It sounds like you are feeling insecure and understandably want to meet her friends and her kids. Of course you do they are the most important thing in her life. Try and go with the flow a bit, it will happen, maybe she's holding back because she's afraid of getting hurt. With her daughter she likely wants to check you'll still be around in 6 months-that it's a long term investment. When I was in your situation I was desperate to meet my partners daughter-because I knew she was his world and I was excited about putting a face to the stories. In retrospect we should have waited, we met too soon I think.
Your worries about your race are understandable but it is likely nothing to do with this; try not to let past issues get in the way of today. Try to enjoy this time-just the two-it won't last long and you'll soon be desperate for some child free time wink

JessicaBeatriceFletcher Fri 10-May-13 08:10:40

Am glad a few other posters didn't overlook the fact that she has introduced him to NO ONE after three months. It isn't all about the kids. For the record, I think she is right on the kids front, anything less than 6 months, in my opinion, is too soon.

However, I think if you've been seeing someone regularly and exclusively for three months, then that's - also in my opinion - now a relationship rather than simply dating. I'm not saying you should be introduced to everyone but I would certainly have expected to have met a couple of friends by now. Meeting friends at this sort of timescale is a sort of admittance you are "boyfriend and girlfriend" (being old fashioned) and if someone wasn't keen to do this, I would actually think that the other person didn't see the relationship in the same way and wasn't introducing me to people because they didn't think it was going to last.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now