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Do you think it's abuse? Time to leave?

(44 Posts)
Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 16:17:03

Met oh 22 years ago. I have 24 year old son from previous marriage. We also have son together.
Oh always been jealous of my relationship with eldest son. But I have always over compensated for him not having his dad around. Oh treats sons differently.
4 years ago we moved abroad to start new venture. Eldest son didn't want to go because of work and girlfriend. Etc. we rented our house out and bought another 3 bed smaller property where we rented out 2 rooms and eldest son lived rent free.
6 months later we move back. We move back to our house and son is still at other property.
Other property pays for itself but oh thinks that we should be making more money from it. So has asked son for rent. He has started to pay a small amount of money. But oh is still not happy. He thinks that he should be paying same as regular tenant. I don't agree. Problem 1

Problem 2

Oh controls everything. I don't have access to money. We do have cash in the house which he says I can use in an emergency. He counts it every day to see if any is missing. I have never taken any. I ave cc for food and household stuff which he goes through and pays off. I have told him that this isn't fair because he always has money and his own business cc.

Problem 3

Our relationship is a roller coaster all resting on what mood oh is in. If he is in good mood great. If not he is moody and sulks swears calls me names. Tells me to fuck off. Calls me lazy bitch. Punches walls, throws things. More verbally abusive if he has had a drink. I think he is having mid life crisis ATM. The last big fight was sat night. He has been ok since then.

Problem 4

I now suffer with anxiety and am taking medication. I have had therapy and cbt but still feel quite low.

Any advice ?
I keep telling myself to get a grip!!

Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 16:48:41

Advice anyone?

kotinka Thu 09-May-13 16:51:28

he sounds very controlling! are you ok after Saturday? this must be very upsetting.

Squitten Thu 09-May-13 16:52:34

Yes, he is abusve.

He is violent, calls you names and controls your access to money.No wonder you're anxious and depressed - get rid of his twat and your mood will lift.

You know you should leave him don't you?

MadameOvary Thu 09-May-13 16:57:20

Yes he is abusive.
He has you walking on eggshells
He abuses you financially by controlling all the money.
He verbally abuses you and uses threatening behaviour to keep you in line. Punching walls = very intimidating. Basically saying "This is what I am capable of. Next time it might be your face"
This abuse is the reason for your anxiety.
Nothing excuses his behaviour.

Alwayscheerful Thu 09-May-13 17:00:06

Yes he is abusive financially and emotionally, you will not realise how abusive until you live in peace on your own.

MadameOvary Thu 09-May-13 17:00:55

Advice?
Do not think in any way that you are the problem here.
Talk to Women's Aid. Having been through a similar situation to yourself they will listen and take you seriously, and hopefully help you get some perspective.

loveisagirlnameddaisy Thu 09-May-13 17:01:08

Most definitely, yes, this is abuse. Mental, verbal, emotional, verging on physical. Abuse all the way. He controls you in several different ways and as Madame says, your anxiety is almost certainly caused by his behaviour.

Have you tried to address this with him?

loveisagirlnameddaisy Thu 09-May-13 17:02:04

I assume you're not married? If you do get to a stage of walking away, you'll need to be clear about your financial situation. There's lots of help on here from people who've been through similar.

He is abusing you on many levels; financial, emotional, verbal for starters.

He is the root cause of your ongoing anxiety; rid yourself of him and you could well find that you will feel an awful lot happier.

What on earth has kept you within this to date?. Have you been too frightened to leave?.

Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 17:39:47

Hi. Yes I have addressed it numerous times. He won't go for counselling.
And yes we are married.

I have been ok since Saturday. He was out Sunday at the pub and tues and wed nights at pub so haven't seen much if him.

He usually goes out with his pals 1 or 2 nights a week and Sunday afternoon. I hardly go out on with my friends. Sometimes I meet them for lunch. I don't tell him because he makes comments like ' it's ok for you. You have ALL day to do what you want whilst I'm at work.
I work from home. He sees it as a hobby. It makes money but not very much. It's not consistent and very lonely. I have been applying for part time work to get me out meeting new people.

He is so negative and moody.

I just don't know what to do anymore yes I suppose I am frightened to leave. I thought that I loved him but he has chipped away over the years that I a know I am a different person now.

MadameOvary Thu 09-May-13 17:52:24

You have not "been ok" if "ok" means "passed a few days without him being abusive or reducing me to tears"
Does your relative peace of mind, such as it is, coincide with a lack of abusive behaviour from him , as opposed to a presence of supportive, loving, respectful behaviour?

MadameOvary Thu 09-May-13 17:54:00

You loved the man you hoped he was. He will never be that man and has no interest in becoming so.
You say you are frightened to leave...can you articulate why?

ClippedPhoenix Thu 09-May-13 17:59:20

Are you frightened to leave because you fear life being single? If, so, what you are putting up with is a thousand times worse you know.

Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 18:00:17

I don't know how I will manage on my own. My family live up north. I am north London. My good friends live 50 miles away. I have 1 friend here. My sons are settled here. They both have jobs.
I am going to stay at my mums next week. She knows everything. My family want me to be happy and they don't think that I will be if I stay. But it's not easy just to up and leave.
I don't think I'm strong enough

ColinCaterpillar Thu 09-May-13 18:04:18

Handholding chumbot and a cordial invite to the EA thread xx

Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 18:06:55

Colin thank you. I have had a read. Have also ordered !why does he do that' book to see if I recognise any behaviour.

ColinCaterpillar Thu 09-May-13 18:09:46

I'm sure you'll find that helpful. Good luck

lolaflores Thu 09-May-13 18:40:10

chumbot how much of your life is left to live like this? It is not fair, you are entitled to be who you are without someone breathing down your neck at every single aspect of your life. It is your life and no one else's to restrict and bully. Don't worry about him or your sons, do it for you. I bet there are so many of your friends hoping that one day you will see him for what he is. So you have. The next bit is leaving and it sounds like you will have lots of support from people who will want this for you. Take your strength from them. Just do it. Don't look down, just forwards. Really, you won't know yourself.

lolaflores Thu 09-May-13 18:41:03

chumbot you don't need a book to tell you he is abusing you. You can see it loud and clear. You also don;t need permission.

Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 21:48:05

Thank you for your replies. I suppose having 2 failed marriages is upsetting me. I got married at 18 first time and we stayed together 7 years. We were too young.
I was only on my own a few months before meeting my husband. He swept me off my feet.
I have given our marriage everything.

Chumbot Thu 09-May-13 23:22:41

So tonight he has checked his own interest free cc statement and realises that he has an interest charge on it. So he is swearing and slamming about and phones the cc company to complain.
After shouting and telling me its a f*****g joke blah blah he realises that he was late with a payment. So I suggested that he put the due date on calendar. Don't bother yourself with it he says.
So as we are talking finances I say instead of me putting all food and things on my cc I would prefer cash in my account so that I had some control over my own money and spending.
His response was we can't afford it.
And..... Why should he share his money with me?
I said because its nit your money it's our money.
He has sulked up to bed. I am a f*****g joke. You can just spend all our money.
Yet if he sees a designer pair of shoes he likes for me he orders me them £600 plus.
Hmmmmm what to make of that ?

wordyBird Fri 10-May-13 01:24:13

He is aggressive, miserly, controlling and abusive.
He chooses shoes for you and thus controls what you wear.

This was a real jaw dropper: We do have cash in the house which he says I can use in an emergency. He counts it every day to see if any is missing.

The EA thread and the book you've ordered will help clarify things. For now, hope you get some sleep after that nasty outburst from your H. brew

Chumbot Fri 10-May-13 09:25:08

Wordybird. Ty for your reply. I haven't slept well for ages now. Too many things running thru my head. :-(

cory Fri 10-May-13 09:28:02

"Yet if he sees a designer pair of shoes he likes for me he orders me them £600 plus. "

This is classic abuser behaviour. He is treating you like a prized possession, a car or a house which he is happy to adorn to enhance his own status. The one thing he will not have is the car or the house trying to think for itself and choose its own decor. Think about it: do you want to be another part of this man's furniture for the rest of your life or be a person in your own right?

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