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I need to evaluate my relationship - please help

(14 Posts)
UhhOhhh Thu 09-May-13 14:48:56

Hi, sorry this might be long but don't want to miss anything out.

My relationship has hit a stale point and a few things are niggling me and would appreciate some advice.

We have 2 dc. A few years ago not long after the birth of dd2 I unexpectedly fell pg. My oh persuaded/bullied/pressured me into having a termination. His reasons were good, in the best interests of our children etc, I didn't have any support, didnt tell anyone and have bitterly regretted it ever since. I then had a major contraceptive failure and ended up pg again, my oh insisted on termination again. This time I got support, my mum, his family and I had a thread on here, I decided to have the baby and although he behaved appallingly he accepted it in the end. I went on to miscarry at 13 weeks. I'm now a mixture of grief, guilt and desperately wanting another baby although I know that will never happen.

We have no sex life, mainly because our older dd is a terrible sleeper and is going through a phase of getting into our bed at night. But he seems to have no interest in sex, or me for that matter. No affection, no kisses, cuddles etc.

I'm a sahm, I get a small amount of tc and cb. When that runs out I have to ask him for money and he'll either transfer some money into my account of leave me some cash in the morning. I'm really at his mercy though, I have no access to any money without him giving it to me. I did get a part time minimum wage job, but after paying for half of the childcare I wouldn't have been left with much at all. He persuaded me it wasn't worth it so I turned it down. Regret that slightly now as at least I'd have a bit of money without asking. We're not married.

We really need to move, we have a 2 bed flat and the girls share which is one reaaon dd1 gets into bed with us. We've agreed that I'll go back to work full time when youngest starts school to enable us to move. But theres work that needs doing to the flat that he seems too lazy to do.

I'm just feeling quite frustrated with my life right now, don't know whether it's him making me feel like this or just the really rather rough time I've had of late. Don't know what I'm after really, just some wise words.

xxx

Dahlen Thu 09-May-13 15:01:08

Sounds like there are lots of different issues going on here TBH.

He should not have bullied you into a termination. sad Although it's decision you should have discussed together, you should have always had the casting vote because it's your body. Given that you've had two contraceptive failures and want another child, however, I wonder if his reluctance to be physically affectionate is fear that you will become pregnant again. If it's not too personal a question for you to answer, what form of contraception are you using?

The money situation is unacceptable. You should have access without needing to go through him.

Regarding the flat, difficult to say really. I suspect it's the least of your problems.

It's worrying that you are completely dependent on him, unmarried, and in a position where he seems to have the final say over every aspect of your life, while at the same time showing you no real respect or affection. I'm not at all surprised you're unhappy.

UhhOhhh Thu 09-May-13 15:11:27

We're using condoms st the moment. He doesn't like them but was persuaded to use tgem after the last pg. I know the sensible thing to do would be to go and get the implant or mirena or something but I can't bring myself to do it. It feels like admitting I will never be pg again, which is too painful at the moment. Stupid I know.

Dahlen Thu 09-May-13 15:18:06

There's no need to use hormonal contraception if you're not happy to. Condoms are just as effective used correctly. If he doesn't want another child, the odds are well in his favour, although no form of contraception is 100% safe as you know.

I have to say that while I sympathise with your desire for another child, I think you would be mad to introduce another child to this mix. You really need to establish some security for yourself and work through these problems.

Before anything else happens, you need to insist on a savings account in your name with a decent balance in it AT THE VERY LEAST and preferably your name on all accounts giving you equal rights to the money. You are, I hope, on the deeds to the flat? I assume you own it since you say there is work that needs doing to it which would otherwise presumably be the responsibility of a landlord. You need to protect yourself and your DCs. You have absolutely no rights or protection at the moment. sad

UhhOhhh Thu 09-May-13 15:33:37

I know you're right, about the baby, I think I'm still grieving for what I lost. It's my due date on sunday and I'm dreading it, not helping that nobody has remembered.

Not sure how I'd get any savings together with no money. Yes we own and its in joint names. We've talked about how we're not married and how I'm financially vunerable but he doesn't see it as a problem because the flat is in joint names and we have life insurance. I don't know why he's so scared to give me access to money.

Dahlen Thu 09-May-13 15:45:20

What would happen if you insisted on his accounts going in to joint names or if you insisted you got another PT job?

UhhOhhh Thu 09-May-13 15:53:17

Don't know. I'm going to broach the subject again tonight. When we've talked about it before he just starts going on about how it's never bothered me before, that money is tight, he has to pay for everything etc. I don't want to go on a wild spending spree, just go to the supermarket, buy the kids stuff if I feel like it etc.

I got fed up with it and went and got a job and he persuaded me it wasn't worth it. He basically didnt want to pay half of the huge childcare bill, when I can do it for free.

Dahlen Thu 09-May-13 16:02:52

It doesn't matter that money is tight. It's not relevant what you spend it on. The likelihood is that your day-to-day spending will not be any different than it is under the current set up. It is the principle that matters. you are not a second-class citizen in this relationship, nor are you a child whose spending needs supervision. You are quite capable of seeing a balance on a statement/online and working out how much you can spend on the weekly shop. To deny you that is to deny your equality.

He may have to pay for everything but he can only hold down that job with you doing full-time childcare. Therefore, unless he wants to outsource childcare or pay you the going rate for performing it 'in house', the money he is earning is half yours. Neither one of you could do what you do without the other performing the other role. If he won't give you half his money, you stop performing half the childcare. Or you could behave like a loving, mutually respectful couple and accept that you share equally the responsibility and the freedoms.

If he doesn't 'get' that, you have a problem.

UhhOhhh Thu 09-May-13 16:08:30

You are completely right and I have said this to him several times. I just never get anywhere. Fuck, I do have a problem sad

UhhOhhh Thu 09-May-13 18:08:07

Well that went well. Apparently I can't be trusted with access to money. If I had a card for the account I could just go and buy things whenever I want and thats a bad thing. He's self employed and doesn't always know when he's next going to be paid and I'm not capable of working out how much I can spend. I used to work in accounts ffs.

I said he's treating me like an untrustworthy child, how would he feel if he was me? he just rolled his eyes and said it's always the same old shit with me.

So fed up.

UhhOhhh Thu 09-May-13 18:33:21

Now he's suggested he set up a dd for me. But that's not the point, is it?

Dahlen Thu 09-May-13 19:54:17

No, its not the point. sad

What are you going to do about it?

Dahlen Thu 09-May-13 19:59:49

Saying "it's the same old shit" is basically a way of telling you to shut up - it's completely disrespectful and hurtful. It is not the actions of a man who loves and cherishes his wife. It begs the question of why would you stay married to a man who thinks so little of you.

Obviously, that's a massive leap from where you are today. I'm not suggesting that you LTB. But do you see where I'm going with this. His attitude needs to changes or you will either end up so full of resentment that your marriage collapses anyway, or you'll end up becoming a downtrodden wife who dares not do anything without seeking her husband's permission first.

How come you are good enough to look after the two most precious things in your lives, your DC, but you can't be trusted to not overspend at the supermarket?

It's not about money. It's about control. He wants it all and wants you completely dependent on him. Unless he has extreme anxiety about money, it's not on.

UhhOhhh Sat 11-May-13 14:50:21

Well we talked some more and he seemed like he took on board what I was saying, and how it made me feel. He's agreed to change his account to a joint one, so that's something I suppose.

He's been very lovely so far this weekend. Maybe things aren't as bad as I thought.

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