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FWB...Possibly a reality check?

(61 Posts)
SundaysGirl Thu 09-May-13 14:28:44

I'm single and went through a nasty breakup last year, whihc I'm still finishing 'getting over'. I've known a certain friend for over 12 years. We have had one or two drunken kisses over the years but we were never in a position to take anything further.

Lately we've got in touch over FB. He's away for another month in Thailand (lucky so and so) but we've been talking about meeting up and possibly starting a FWB type situation when he gets back.

I'm certanly interested as I think we have always had potential chemistry wise. I've always fancied him like mad (but from a distance) and he says similar. Plus my last relationship 'thing' was so stressful and horrible that it seems like it might be nice to have a no strings attatched bit of fun for a change.

But...my gut is nagging at me a bit. I know a lot of people warn about FWB type things. I've only ever had one other situation with an ex of mine but it was never a regular thing. I am wondering if stronger feelings could develop if we saw each other regularly.

Guess wondered what people think of them in general. His situation is he is single and totally off relationships after his marriage breaking up a year ago.

Thanks!

SundaysGirl Thu 09-May-13 19:01:10

clippedphoneix - Well I do see where you are coming from. Hope this is not TMI..I have a really high sex drive and sometimes just want sex for..well sex. There is something different (obv) about two people than there is about flying solo.

Generally I think if people both want to do it and there is no lying or cheating involved and they know where they stand and so on then thats fine. The key here is mutuality. I would not encourage anyone to just have sex and not bother about the feelings of the other person. Sorry if it made it seem that way about me and how I feel about my friend. (as in not caring about his feelings) The way I wrote it might have come across flippant..I'm just feeling a bit shy about talking about my sex drive, but trying to be honest or theres no point posting.

However I also know in this situation I've posted about that it might be more complex than I initially thought..I guess I just don't want to make a mistake. I'm a bit conflicted truth be told..hence the post!

Sex isn't a throw away commodity, but it's not a sign of happy ever after in love either. I'm not going to teach my daughter to sleep around, at all, but if she is over the emotional rollercoaster that happens in teenage years, who am I to tell her she can't have responsible sex with another consenting adult? If both people are on the same page, what's wrong with it? I'm not in a relationship, haven't been for a few years, as I haven't found anybody that I like, respect and have enough in common with that I will change my life how it is now. Should I have given up sex in that time too?

ClippedPhoenix Thu 09-May-13 19:08:08

I personally think that all this FWB stuff is for the very few and not my bag at all. I think being intimate with someone is very personal and I wouldn't want that unless we both felt something for each other. I find it sad, but that's just me.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 09-May-13 19:12:42

Sex and feeling go hand in hand for me..... It's how I'm bringing up my son. He wouldn't dream of having sex with someone unless he felt something for them (nothing to do with happy ever after). I believe it's the right way, but everyone else is entitled to their own opinion.

SundaysGirl Thu 09-May-13 19:13:44

See I totally get both points of view! I guess both kinds have their place to me. But I just don't want to get mixed up with the kind that is not right for me at this time in my life. smile

ClippedPhoenix Thu 09-May-13 19:16:29

You've been hurt OP. I feel someone kind and considerate that wants to spend time with you, just because the want to be with you is the way to go now.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 09-May-13 19:16:49

"they"

KittensandKids Thu 09-May-13 19:26:44

I tried it but for me I cannot have sex with someone with feeling emotionally involved, the guy who I was 'friends' with was seeing other people (I think) and I ended up not wanting to be with him. We were good friends too and it ruined the friendship completely.

We only met twice and he would text and call a lot for maybe 10 days after seeing him but then the texts/calls would fade, so I just left him once and he didn't call or text me for 2 months and I didn't either, then I got a text as usual later at night. I couldn't be arsed so just ignored him, he still texts (randomly). I wont sleep with him again though.

Tbh it felt strange for me meeting up knowing we were meeting for sex but I was married for many years and have lead a sheltered life grin

KittensandKids Thu 09-May-13 19:27:39

*met twice with intention of sex blush

ClippedPhoenix Thu 09-May-13 19:36:19

There are of course exceptions to anything but from experience a FWB relationship usually benefits the man far more than the woman.

AnyFucker Thu 09-May-13 19:41:39

You are already wondering if a fwb situation with this man will develop into something more

So I pronounce it a bad idea

What is he doing in Thailand again ?

A "sabbatical"
That's a corker, that one

I fear you have mislaid your common sense as your hormones have gained ascendancy

ClippedPhoenix Thu 09-May-13 19:54:29

Perfect summary there AF grin

OP, wait it out until you find someone that wants to be with you just purely because they do and nothing whatsover to do with your muff grin

It's a sign of getting better when we tingle again....

AnyFucker Thu 09-May-13 21:07:30

smile

cjel Thu 09-May-13 21:29:10

I wouldn't do it. It is insulting for a man to think of you as a fwb, I want him to want me i'd feel like i'd prostituted myself and would worry that you would be more vulnerable than you think and would get hurt again.

SundaysGirl Thu 09-May-13 22:24:15

Thanks again everyone! Just had a long chat with my sister who (obv) knows me and knows my situation in detail. She felt why not but again it is the potential vulnerability issue here.

I certainly wouldn't feel bad or like a prostitue for having sex with someone purely for the sake of having sex because we both felt like it. Personally I see nothing wrong in that at all, and have done it before with no issues.

However I think that the very fact I'm wary and posted about it means that it might not be such a good idea. If I wasn't having that nagging sensation going on then I would just be 'rock on next month' and think no more of it.

So for now I am going to just keep what I've been doing going on which is enjoying being on my own and just making sure i work through the breakup stuff. I think I'm getting close to being pretty ok about it all, but best not to mess with that right now.

I'll see how things are in a few weeks time and how I am feeling, just about everything in general. I know for a fact i'm not ready for a relationship at all.

Thanks, it is really appreciated. smile

SundaysGirl Thu 09-May-13 22:24:46

also...arf at 'muff' grin

AnyFucker Thu 09-May-13 22:29:47

great word, muff smile

I think FWB is a great way to have a bit of fun and plenty of sex. It's the insistence that sex has to mean more for women that keeps so many women lumbered with useless or harmful men.
It's also fine to have a FWB set-up that's not monogamous, or exclusive, as long as you have agreed this between you.

If you are having NSA sex with a man, you don't have to do housework for him or be bored by his row with his boss/mum, and you can just bin him if he starts to annoy or disappoint you. What's not to like?

ClippedPhoenix Thu 09-May-13 23:14:35

Good for you solid... if testosterone filled fluid was keeping you cozy in your mums womb then all hail to you. It's not the case for many, very unique and a huge thumbs up.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 09-May-13 23:20:22

AThingInYourLife has it.

You already have feelings in a way for him OP or you'd not give this a second thought...you'd be shagging him or not...ifd it were a REAL FWB situation you'd be too busy living your life to worry about it.

Don't go there. I agree that it's a bit offensive of him really. Either go on dates with a view to a relationship or tell him to shag someone else with no feelings.

ClippedPhoenix Thu 09-May-13 23:34:47

OP, did you suggest it as a way of maybe sort of saying you're ok? Wrong! you fancied someone after a long time... once again, don't offer the muff! grin I can say this coz im 50 and my muff was offered a few times and it didnt turn out to be good for me.

Sweetheart, go for gold... (not what solid suggests by the way), shes a unique one...

SundaysGirl Fri 10-May-13 00:01:06

But then..I don't like the idea of 'going for gold'..it makes it seem like my ultimate 'goal' ought to be a long term relationship and marriage and stuff like that. Which i'm not sure I want.

I took no offense at him wanting sex with me whatsoever, I made it clear I wanted to have sex with him. It was a mutual 'want sex' thing.

See this is the thing..I get kind of antsy at the idea that if a man just wants sex and nothing else its some sort of insult, like the woman will always want more or want to be more to him and so on.

However I am still going to wait with this sort of thing. Too confusing right now and I can see almost everyones points of view, even when they conflict!

Hmmm. Time, space and not jumping into this is the way to go for now!! Damn good job man in question is so far away atm grin

ClippedPhoenix Fri 10-May-13 00:48:57

if its confusing its not right... if you have to "think" about it, its because you shouldnt do it. if you have to post about it its a definite no no...

Actually, one big reason a woman might feel a bit 'confused' about getting into a FWB set up is because of the endless fucking propaganda that women want and need 'love' more than sex. It is not compulsory to have a longterm, sexually exclusive relationship. Not everyone wants one. It gets very tedious to be told that you do want, deep down, something that has no appeal for you - or that if you don't then there is something 'wrong' with you.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 10-May-13 01:01:25

it gets very piss boring though solid when you are told that you have to "man" up and have one?

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