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The new assertive me is costing me dear!

(14 Posts)
radicalradish Thu 09-May-13 09:04:51

Influenced by another thread.

I have fell out with a few of my friends recently. It coincided with me being a bit more assertive and saying no, all that woman's fault who wrote "a woman in her own right" hmm

The first friend has done quite a few annoying things and my DH has been telling me for years that she is a bitch and really selfish. We do get on well, but about 20% of the time I feel she really takes advantage of me and can be quite nasty. I think she is quite an entitled person and if she doesn't get her way can be quite rude and foul mouthed. Anyway, it was her DD's birthday and she sent me a text 20 mins before the start saying, "on your way please pick up my birthday cake at XXX". Now my place to her place is about 10 mins. My place to cake place is in town and about 25 mins. My DH was fuming and said no, we are not going. My friend also doesn't work and she has a live in nanny and a cleaner so TBH she should be the most organised person on the planet. On that note I want to add that I do not have that help and I manage to be on time, whereas arrange to meet her anywhere and she will rock up at least 1 hour late and then go in a huff if you mention it. Anyway, I texted back saying, sorry running really late too, won't be able to pick it up to which she replied "thanks for nothing". When I go there the cake was on the table as DH had gone to get it. She has been majorly off with me since. The bday cake is just one of many incidents where I have had to inconvenience myself to make her life better.

The other friend I have fell out with is someone who is very, very defensive of her son who gets into a lot of trouble at school and outside due to his aggressive behaviour. He is also very verbally abusive. After a no. of incidents I pulled his mum up on his behaviour. I can usually let boisterous behaviour go, but he started teasing my son that he was fat (he's not) and hairy and I told him off, said "I don't think I like little boys who talk to their friends like that". His mum snapped my head off and has blanked me since. Our other friend, who is more her friend than mine has also blanked me since.

So, like me are you a push over? I was a push over, however find that my new found assertiveness is costing me confused

It is only costing you bad friends, so win win really!

SimplyCupcakes Thu 09-May-13 09:09:57

I agree! sounds like they were not really friends at all, so no big loss! stick to your guns, hopefully others will step up to take their places and you will have a much more balanced life!

Good for you! If someone is taking the piss out of you they're not a real friend, so I don't know that it's really cost you anything. It will save you from further piss taking in the future though.

I had a friend who took the piss. Not all the time, and just over odd things, so it took a long time to see how lop-sided the friendship was. We always had to meet on her terms. She was never rude, or awkward, but would change plans, or cancel them if they didn't suit her exactly, often letting me down at the last minute, and ALWAYS late! It meant that we were always the ones doing the driving, fitting in with her day etc. I just stopped agreeing to her last minute changes, no big fall out, but I don't see her anymore, and life's less stressful for it.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 09-May-13 09:13:49

Aren't you well rid?

The friend who isn't speaking due to the friend with the agressive hcild taking umbrage, will prolly end up with said child teasing her own child and reassess her stance too I bet.

I refuse to allow anyone to make my children miserable, normal kids playing and teasing eachother is fine, kids targetting mine or being constantly rude and rough towards mine without anyone ever stopping them, not gonna allow that frankly.

radicalradish Thu 09-May-13 09:23:23

Yes, I am well rid. I just feel a bit awkward when I see them. You are all right though, that I have actually only lost bad friends, not good ones. That reinforces to me that my new found assertiveness is a good thing. The woman with the cake has done loads of things like this. She has a huge sense of entitlement and an overinflated opinion of herself and family. She has told me loads of times that "I know everyone thinks their kids are great, but my kids are better than everyone else's".

I can't half pick 'em.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-May-13 09:28:48

Definitely don't stop being assertive just because a couple of awkward types that have been horrible to you for years have decided you're not on their team any more. That's the whole point of being assertive. You end up with people who genuinely like and respect you rather than those that just see you as someone they can use and abuse.... and that's when life gets really good.

I don't think you picked them. They picked you, selfish entitled bitches rely on passive agreeable people. Your not a passive person anymore so they can't use you any more you haven't lost friends- they were never your friends, they were using you so long as you were willing. You've not lost- you've gainedsmile

Lavenderhoney Thu 09-May-13 09:47:13

Well your reactions would have been mine, without the angst afterwardssmile

It wouldn't occur to me to ask a friend last minute to pick up something, her disorganisation is not your emergency. I would if given proper notice though- and a call, not a text!!! I might've ignored the text though. It's a bit presumptious to think someone is sat by their mobile waiting for direction.

And yes, if someone is teasing my dc, I say something. Otherwise they might think I think its ok. I don't let mine do it either.

No loss for you I think- and if these " friends" drop away, you will have made space for nicer people.

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson Thu 09-May-13 12:40:35

I had counselling a couple of years ago as my self esteem was low and I wasn't assertive at all, and boy has it helped! I've lost some so-called friends along the way but they were clearly just people that were out for what they could get from me and were never true friends in the first place.

It's amazing how quickly it all becomes second nature too and nowadays if someone takes the hump with me because I won't do as they say then I think 'stuff them'. I think also when others see you are less likely to take crap from people then they are less likely to treat you badly, so people respect you more.

Well done for standing up to your friends, especially birthday cake friend. I had an ex friend like that. She would do things like offer to have my DD round after school then text me at 3pm and say she'd been busy and could I pick DD and her DD up from school, drop them at hers, oh and on the way could I nip into Asda and get X, Y and Z, thank you very much! I used to do as she said but as soon as I stopped giving in to her demands she stopped talking to me, which was fine by me, and is now using friends with some other mums at school.

Spaghettio Thu 09-May-13 12:58:01

I've also started being a bit more assertive.

I had words with my MIL about some things she said and she has taken it graciously and realised I'm not going to put up with that shit any more.

I had words with a friend about her gossiping about me behind my back - she got defensive, denied the whole thing and has now got the hump.

Normally in both situations, I would have let it lie, as it was less hassle. But I feel much better in myself for having said something. I'm less stressed about the situation as I'm not seething any more. If they can't see that their behaviour is unreasonable then that's their problem, not mine.

The new assertive me is much less stressed!

thepixiefrog Thu 09-May-13 13:12:56

Well done OP! The more you are assertive the more comfortable it will become.

I was always very passive and amenable until a year ago, and it has been my family that I've had the awkwardness with. DM especially has found it really difficult, but she no longer gets cross if I have a different opinion to hers (and only occasionally strops).

It takes time but eventually NOT being a doormat becomes second nature.

BeCool Thu 09-May-13 13:15:48

I don't think it's costing you. Not only are you shaking out the "bad friends", but you are creating some space in your life for lovely new ones.
Well done!

Laura0806 Thu 09-May-13 13:30:25

well done!! I too find it very difficult to be assertive and try and please everyone to the point I spend time with people who drive me mad /bring me downjust because I dont want to upset them or I feel sorry for them as everyone else ignores them ( for good reason). Recently , I refused to listen to nonsense about another friend from someone who was a very close (but clearly not good). Said friend has stopped speaking to me and has said some very unpleasant ( and untrue) things about me. Its extremely awkward but I feel sooo much better for it on the whole. I have time to concentrate on real friends who I really like and whilst, I will still help anyone out who genuinely needs a helping hand,I am not going to be a complete mug!I have also had a lot more free time to make new friends which I really needed aswell. Keep it up!

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