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99% of relationships are psychology right?

(16 Posts)
Lweji Portugal Thu 09-May-13 20:19:56

I think you have just answered your own question. smile

Possibly he was keeping a front while trying to gain control over you and then quit.

It is possible the man you are missing now never existed.

Yama Netherlands Thu 09-May-13 20:01:49

I had a lot of short run intense relationships before dh. Looking back, I think they wanted a version of me. The perceived compliant woman that they thought I should be.

I am not compliant. Once they saw this I was hard work and not what they wanted. Generalising of course but I think the way families and society have molded some men's expectations does not fit with a relationship with me.

superstarheartbreaker Thu 09-May-13 19:53:18

Hi all. Thanks Cognito for your support and advice; it is a godsend. He also called me perfecr from the beginning which I have to say also rang alarm bells as noone is perfect. I think once he realised that I was human, off the pedestal I came.

Lweji, I was myself at the beginning but as the relationship moved on I felt like I was in an emotional straight jacket as if I disagreed with him he'd go quiet on me.

The awful thing is that I still have deep feelings for him , despite all the warnning signs. I really fell for hiim. There were many good points.

Lweji Portugal Thu 09-May-13 19:13:55

Frankly you need to relax and be yourself from the start.

If you can't be yourself, then he's not the right person.
And if you have a persona in the initial stages, it may well be attracting the wrong person.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-May-13 17:52:18

It's really not you. These people you're attracting are like cheap perfume. Suffocatingly overpowering to start with but don't last.... Yes, it's a big red flag because no-one 'loves' anyone that fast. They don't even know you for a start.

What you probably need to do is take a step back and try to work out what all of these men have in common that you find attractive. If it's their intensity, for example, next time you're talking to someone new, try to tune yourself in to how they are expressing themselves. If they seem to be all over you rather than respectfully cautious.... just don't take it any further.

Have you read this article... here? Not saying these men were abusive necessarily but it's a pretty good checklist of the early crap that you can try to look out for in future.

In other words, don't try any of the 'hard to get' stuff, just switch on your prat detectors and don't feel obliged to share everything about yourself with someone you've just met. BTW when they say 'I love you' the correct response is 'that's nice dear'. smile

superstarheartbreaker Thu 09-May-13 15:39:53

I just seem to get to about two months and then..bang! Up in smoke. I tend to get guys who say they love me very quickly (after 3 weeks with my most recent ex) which imo is far too soon and mabe a red flag. I get sucked in despite knowing this.

superstarheartbreaker Thu 09-May-13 15:37:49

I guess I am refering to the rules idea of playing hard to get. I always seem to attract men who are initially besotted with me. Once love is declared on both sides I relax and become myself...then they run for the hills. Makes me feel shit as a person. Like my true personality isn't nice. Or mabe the right guy just wouldn't run.

quietlysuggests Thu 09-May-13 09:59:04

I think relationships are 99% luck.
If you find your soul mate, theres very little work involved, its just brilliant.

Lavenderhoney Thu 09-May-13 09:50:21

Only if they aren't that into you, then yes, I guess it's a head fuck.

If you feel yourself thinking. " he's doing my head in" dump him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-May-13 07:05:57

I think I know what you mean. The (old-fashioned term alert) courtship ritual can be a bit of a mental dance contest. Daft phrases like 'treat em mean, keep em keen' and 'playing hard to get' & all that. Yes, some people are better at that than others but, if that's not the way you behave, be assured that the right relationship for you will be with someone who prefers people who are more straightforward.

So where do you think you went wrong....?

Numberlock Thu 09-May-13 06:59:33

I think you've been in the wrong relationships if you have to view it as psychological game-playing. Can you give us some examples?

Salbertina Thu 09-May-13 06:56:11

Do you mean in early throes of relationship (thrill of the chase?) or longterm?
Transactional analysis- games people play- rooted in this but its all relationships not just romantic ones.

WafflyVersatile Wed 08-May-13 23:56:58

only in the same way that everything is psychology. Psychology attempts to describe and explain the human mind.

What is the game they play? And what bits of the game are you doing wrong?

LimitedEditionLady Wed 08-May-13 23:32:54

Eh say what?you mean that women in good relationships control men and manipulate men with mind games?
Wouldnt that just be hard work,too much effort,fake and boring?

confused?

superstarheartbreaker Wed 08-May-13 23:17:35

And I'm crap at it. Some women are just very good at it...they have a knack and play the game. I am not.

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