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On the brink of an affair... Is there any way these things work out ok?

(141 Posts)
ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 22:32:52

I suppose I know the answer.

BTW, I am a regular, but have NC's for obvious reasons... Am not a troll, even though this could be considered a very troll-like first post.

I am on the brink of an affair.

I am married with two children. So is he. We both intend to stay with our spouses, but neither of us have active sex lives within our marriage, or much in the way of intimacy. Otherwise the marriages work ok. I wouldn't describe myself as massively happy or unhappy in mine. I am certainly not unhappy enough to disrupt mine, my husbands or my young childrens lives by separating. He is broadly in the same boat.

We met via work (but we don't work together). Instant chemistry and attraction on both sides.

We have been emailing and speaking on the phone. We have had coffee a couple of times. The last time in the middle of an innocuous conversation he reached over and kissed me. Neither entirely unexpected or unwelcome. We then went for a walk and kissed some more.

I know the next time we meet, we will probably end up sleeping together.

I never thought I would consider such a thing. But I've never felt more alive. I feel like a woman again, for the first time in years. Paradoxically, I feel good about myself for the first time in ages. Not good as in 'virtuous' obviously. But good as in interesting, desirable, womanly.

I don't know if want some sense talked to me, or reassurance that a dalliance doesn't have to mean the end of a marriage.

I'm bracing myself.

Fairenuff Wed 08-May-13 22:36:18

Might be ok for you. Not so much for your partners.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 08-May-13 22:37:12

Is this being done openly or are you both planning on lying to your partners?

Because open and honest, well, fair enough. But I don't think it's fair to deceive someone. If you aren't happy with a situation, then there are several things to do. Accept it, leave, demand change, suggest an open marriage, etc. But it's just not right to look someone in the eye and know you are going behind their back. Is it?

Would your husband mind, do you think?

I would think how you would feel if you found out your DH were doing the same thing.

CoffeePleaseSir Wed 08-May-13 22:40:39

I'm sure your husband and children will be over the moon & his wife/children as well!

You might not want your family to fall apart but what happens if/when your partners find out? Is it really worth that risk? The pain, hurt, torment, dishonesty....

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 08-May-13 22:40:41

The affair won't end your marriage as long as your husband, and his wife, consents to it before it begins.

Otherwise, it probably will. Imagine your husband doing what you are doing with another woman: sneaking off for coffee, kissing, planning to sleep together. Would you stay?

It's not the sex that will end the marriage. It's the lying and deceit and lack of respect that goes with it.

Sorry I'm being flippant. Walk away is the only advice I can give. You don't work together so just don't see him again. You don't want to separate so consider working on your marriage?

LEMisdisappointed Wed 08-May-13 22:42:11

Its just not worth it, even if you do this, and "get away with it" the guilt will stay with you for the rest of your life. That at is if you are lucky - if you re caught, you will devestate your children and his children. Dont do it.

ontheprecipice Wed 08-May-13 22:42:13

Yes, my husband would mind. So would his wife.

He has had several affairs before. They have run their course. His marriage is intact.

I'm not sure how I would feel if my husband were doing the same thing, TBH. He's away 2 weeks of every month on business. If he's here he's at work or at the gym. I wouldn't want to know about it though.

Cherriesarelovely Wed 08-May-13 22:44:14

Well obviously don't do it. It is dishonest and inconsiderate and could indeed result in the breakdown of your marriage. As everyone else has said, think about how you would feel if your DH were to do the same.

TakingTimeOut Wed 08-May-13 22:44:19

Please think of the hurt and betrayal before you go ahead with something like this. It's not just your DH, but your children who will also be affected. Can you honestly go back to your DH after sleeping with this man and not feel an ounce of guilt? Even if you feel the guilt - could you live with this?

Have respect for your DH and end it first before going behind his back.

Fairenuff Wed 08-May-13 22:44:57

I am certainly not unhappy enough to disrupt mine, my husbands or my young childrens lives by separating. He is broadly in the same boat

Just be aware that this bit will be out of your control. Once the deed is done it's just a matter of whether your partners find out or not. Even if it dies a death and is over and done with, never to be repeated, your dh could still find out months or even years later, and end your marriage.

Fools rush in and all that...

Xales Wed 08-May-13 22:45:55

So you would just be next in a long line of sleazy, lying, cheating shags for this man.

Glad to see you rate yourself so highly.

Make sure you use as much protection as possible with him you know he is happy to lie and cheat.

Redflagcatcher Wed 08-May-13 22:46:08

Run away. It will end badly. Either for you, him, your partners, but always the kids.

Stop it now before it gets too addictive. If you want to be with each other, I mean really, really want to be together and/or are unhappy due to lack of sex life (if true) split up from your spouses first, have some time on your own and then review your desire for each other.

His lack of sex life in his marriage might just be because he's out chasing other women. That could be the same for you, if you became his wife.

Not sure what the reason for lack of sex life in your marriage is, could you inject your new found sexual feelings into your marriage?

elastamum Wed 08-May-13 22:47:08

Don't do it. You cannot imagine the harm the fallout could do to your family. My ex had serial affairs then left us. 5 years on my wonderful DS is in therapy as a result of the issues his dads unexpected departure caused.

Would you do that to your kids? hmm

WinkyWinkola Wed 08-May-13 22:47:39

He's had several affairs before? He sounds professional! What a treat you have before you. Hope he's STI free with all that exposure. His poor wife.

Personally, I'd turn back to my marriage and try and work out how to make it better instead of throwing a grenade into my husband and dc's world.

Leverette Wed 08-May-13 22:47:41

It shouldn't take the amorous attentions of a deceitful, lying toad to make you "feel like a woman" etc

If this goes any further, even if your DH/DCs never know, you will despise yourself.

You sound highly infatuated and I doubt it would take much for you to feel that you've fallen for him...but it's just loving how he makes you feel about yourself.

He'll probably then drop you from a great height and you will go through absolute hell, trying to grieve in private.

Make the commitment to yourself to be a better person than this.

Do you want to work on your marriage? Nevermind the other man, what about you and your husband? What behaviour do you want to model for your children? What do you want them to learn from you, about relationships?

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Wed 08-May-13 22:48:53

Well, only you can decide if you are happy to accept any or all of the possible consequences of your choice and if you are happy to lie to your husband.

It sounds like you are just the latest in a long line of warm places for this guy to rest his cock. Is that ok with you? That it's not you, it's just that you're willing?

Are you ok with the possibility of your husband finding out and deciding to leave you and the knock on effect on your children?

Are you ok with the fact that you'll have to look your husband in the eye and lie to him?

If you don't care about all the ways in which it has the potential to come crashing down around you, then fair enough. But if it does blow up in your face - don't feel sorry for yourself. Accept whatever may happen as a consequence of your choice. There'll be no place for regret or tears or anything - because you'll have chosen that path.

Just think carefully before you make a choice to do something that you can't ever take back.

He has had several affairs before.

So have enough respect for yourself not to become the next convenient hole for him to stick his cock into. Because that's all you'll be. Don't fool yourself that you will be anything else.

jkklpu Wed 08-May-13 22:50:04

The bloke sounds awful, tbh. You sound bored and prepared to risk your family life on this serial cheat and liar. You know how people are going to react so why bother posting - to boast about this exciting new avenue? Charming.

Leverette Wed 08-May-13 22:50:08

And he's had several affairs before! I'm sorry but he's clearly a philandering tart, for want of a better word. Don't make the extremely naive mistake of being flattered - you're just the latest prey.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 08-May-13 22:50:27

There was a thread on here a week or so ago about a woman who'd cheated six or seven years ago. It'd ended and her marriage had improved hugely.

Her husband found out, and left. He was so furious and hurt that he wouldn't even speak to her. He made strict childcare arrangements and they split. She was heart broken.

She got a pasting on here, because she'd cheated. And that's a terrible thing to do.

You've already let this go too far. With a man who is an experienced cheat, who is always chasing his next bit of skirt. He's probably told you are a different, of course, but I bet he said the same to every one of the women before you.

Sleep with him, and you've ended any right you had to stay in your marriage. You know your husband will end it when he finds out, so don't kid yourself otherwise. Until he does find out, you'll just be living on borrowed time.

Hopasholic Wed 08-May-13 22:50:34

I am certainly not unhappy enough to disrupt mine, husbands or my young children's lives by separating........

^ this^^

But you ARE happy enough to disrupt theirs and other peoples lives by having an affair? Don't be a bloody fool.

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