Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
WAS am i in the right or in the wrong(21 Posts)
his is my first post on this site.
and i really need some guidance.
i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and im in my very late 20s.
he is considerably older than me in his 40s. he lives with his mother and his family.
he is my first boyfriend. and he has had a few gf in the past now that is ok.
a few months ago he introduced me to his parents.
his family are nice but the mother told me that she has seen enough gfs come and go.
ok well i understood what she was trying to say.
my boyfriend had a ex that was mental unstable that did some very nasty things towards him
anyway one day the mother told me that anything i can say to her she wont say back to my boyfriend and she told me she couldnt understand why he was with for so long.
so a few days later when i was alone with her. i explained that he was with her for a few months because she told him she was pregnant.
well well she screamed at me. and roared at me saying he cant have kids and that im a sly person for saying that. and she got the brother he is older than the brother and he and her marked my cards.
well i mean that they hated me for saying that and i nearly walked out on the house as they were vile and nasty to me.
they never no i mentioned this squabble to my boyfriend.
i noticed ever since then after the night the mother was a bit crass but the brother was a bit cruel he never added me on fb.
which i dont care. writes how much he loves his other brother gf. now lets call my boyfriend brother bob. now bob is gay and that is who he is.
in the past few months after that he hiss at me when the boyfriend out of the room told him i crossed him at that night. just hate my guts basically
now i apogise to the mother for saying it but i think i was so desperate back then for them to like me. i know i sound so sad.
a few times he pushed my buttons and he then remarked somthing like a tart and a scumbag to me .
i told my boyfriend i cant be dealing with this anymore. and im overweight and i have warned my boyfriend that bob says anything about my weight that i be so furious.
a few weeks rolled by and i advoided them and then i had a work study trip and still avoided going over there .
but one night i happened to notice that bob. wrote on social networking site saying that my brother gf is so fat and he wrote very mean things and his friends joined in with the laugh. and of course my boyfriend family and friends could see what he wrote about me.
well i was furious and i shared his status to his other brother gf.
a few days later after it was still up he took it down and he knew i seen what he had wrote as i shared the status.
the boyfriend told his mother what he wrote and she went : he went to far now. and he shouldnt be drinking and writing up stuff like that coz its just the drink talk
the next day i was invited over to dinner in the mother house and i didnt want to go so i made the effort brought up some treats.
fter a few hours they were talking about bob and i mentioned that he tooked down his status and it was about time. as he humilated me
and i was very destressed on what he said i said that i shared the status to his other brother gf as i wanted to show her what he is like to me.
well she roared at me. saying i annoyed him some times which i do admit only because he called me a tart and scumbag. she said take it up with him and not in my house..
now i do agree it maybe wasnt the place but i was never have any dealing with bob outside of their home.
the next day he arrived back from his hoilday and he was grinning and humming and acting like nothing had happened
this family dont take any shit from anyone so i decided i was going to stand up to them because what they did was wrong to me and i wasnt going to let them get away with it.
my boyf offered me a drink and i told him :no thanks im on a diet with that the mother roared at me saying i was bringing up what happened . what was wrote
and i turned around to him i said bob you hulimated me on what you wrote and im not pleased. the mother screamed at me . and bob told me i shouldnt looking at his page and i said it was on a public feed and it was about me.
next thing i could feel him i think starting to laugh at me and the mother was shouting i think she was saying i was a trouble maker.
well i just went like . im done im finished im sick of you and your snide remarks i was so hurt what you have written about me and i dont want any part now. i said im getting the bus. and i walked out of the house very upset .
the boyfriend ran after me . but i wasnt happy
so i got into the car and i was very upset i was crying shaken after a while. his mother rang seeing was i alrite.
i had calmed down a bit at that stage. i warned my boyfriend what would happen if i saw them and i was not going to let him write what he thinks of me and expect to get away with that anymore.
i was thought to confront a bully you have to stand up to them.
so after a while my boyfreind suggested that i apogise to his mother. as it the fight happened in her house. so i agreed
so i went back to the house about 50 mins after i walked out of the house.
saying im sorry about the fight and it wont happen again.
and she said to bob saying your were at fault and what do you say to orange. he was on his phone and just went "sorry" and went back to his phonecall . but at least it was somthing however i was hoping some sort of apology on fb but i can forget about that now
i really want to distance myself from them but its hard that mother told me im glad i came back that night and i replyed thand s for taking me back there are a very odd family that love talking about his exs to me . except the last ex.
i just feel very drained i feel a bit guilty for doing this to his mother but at the same time i felt i had to make a stand do you think it was wrong of me or would you have done the same thing?
Why are you tolerating being screamed at? It's far from normal behaviour.
Run for the hills, they all sound insane
Why did you say his ex had been pregnant? Was that true?
Did not read whole post, but do NOT confide in Bf mother! Serious boundary issues here. Stop.
no the ex was lying she was never pregnant
however she told him that she was and kept the story to
him for afew months.
because she was so desperate to keep him.
i hated the way they marked my cards and
i feel so uncomforable going over there
but do you guys think i was right to confront the brother
over what he said to
me in the mothers house ? as it was her home and her "castle"
but i felt i had to stand up to him other wise what other shit
he could think he can getaway with
Your 40 odd yo Boyf lives with his MOTHER?
Please, just leave him.
There is NO future with this man.
Is it just me that hears the duelling banjos???
yep hissy and his older brother
iknow i know but the thing is i do love him
but i dont know anymore we get on so well
Im seconding Hissy here, why on earth are you with some man that is far older than you that has a family of harpies?
Why on earth does he still live with his mummy?
Where do you come from? are you british?
Sweety, he's literally snatched you from a cradle. Wtf kind of experience could ANY 18yo have that'd help her deal with these awful
He targeted you because you wouldn't know any better, I'm
well into my 40's. You think I'd tolerate any of this shit?
Would a normal rational 30yo?
You love the idea of him. Perhaps to cover up from a difficult childhood?
This man (according to MrsBates) can't father children.
Why would YOU write off YOUR future family from people/boyfriend like these?
You don't seem to see the currency you hold in your hands! You are so young, you literally have YOUR whole life ahead. Why hobble yourself with him
and his freakshow
Be brave. End it. Go and live your life.
Do you/Could you study?
I promise you. This is NOT love. Love is far better than this! By staying with this lot, you are preventing the true love, the happiness to come from getting to you!
ty to those that replied i do love him. your right i do have major self issues but im am on a diet and i have noticed that i lost a few pounds i just feel so crap and drained by them .
part of me feels a bit guilty for putting trouble to the mother s door as she is old woman. but it needed to be said
he wants me to spend the day withim on sunday as they have forgotten about but i dont buy that that have such venom well the brother bob has
i like to limit my time the thing is when i do go over
and after a while when they start up again ie the drink talking
i know i just have to sit there and take it as im not allowed to raise my voice even the thoughts of that is setting me to a major panic axeitny attack
the mother and the brother loves talking about my boyfriends ex except the last one and she loves telling me her favourites lol
You don't have to go.
You don't have to sit there and take it.
If your BF is insisting you do this despite his family's previous treatment of you it shows how much you really mean to him.
You say this is your first boyfriend, this is not how it's meant to be. Get rid, move on and learn from it. Life is too short for all that rubbish.
No, this is not how it goes. Not at all.
This is not how the family of your first, or any, boyfriend treats you.
Be strong. End it now and walk with your head held high.
You will do better than this.
the brother was a bit cruel he never added me on fb.
This spoke volumes to me. It says to me that you dont have the emotional maturity to deal with what is clearly a very troubled relationship, and by extension his family. They are taking advantage of the fact that you dont have much experience to treat you like shit. And him still living at home with his mum and brother like they were still kids is a major thing for me. Why has he never moved out?
This is not healthy for you, and at your age you should be seeing people your age and getting experience of life. I wouldnt even try to make this work tbh, you will never win against his mother for a start and that alone will make your life hell.
Do you mind if I ask why he is your first boyfriend?
i told him tonight that i wasnt particualary comfortable in going over so i suggest "baby steps " just avoid them for a while but dont let on do them . He got annoyed saying we cleared the air with them. and its all forgotten about. however i feel right now i really need to avoid them for a while for my on sanity. i wasted to much time on them.
he is my first boyfriend and i was a virgin when i met him. i dont know why tbh i do suffer from low self confidence and i didnt really go out to pubs and stuff but now i do lol i do love him its hard
yeah i do think the family does know he was the first. and they kept mentioned to me how many fellas did i have before him? which i thought it was a bit crass
he had an ex of 10 years and various ones after that that maybe lasted for up towards a year. he never got married or engaged to her in all that time. he loves living with his mammy and he has it got it to handy
i think beacuase i love that is that he comes over with his car and i escape for a while maybe that is do it with more its hard to know really
He will make you miserable and so will his family. They have no boundaries, he has no boundaries with them. He wants you to apologise when they scream at you, insult you, talk about your weight and call you manipulative. Run as fast as you can. There is a reason he is 40 and living with his mother.
You're not allowed to raise your voice?
Do you have any idea of how 'lippy' the average 20 yo can be?
Where are your family in this? Why on earth are you so worn down already?
You don't know what love is, you've tried to find something you lacked or were deprived of.this is not love my dear, this is unbalanced, a power game. This is dependency. He knows he can boss you about, you take it, and he's got a 20 yo girlfriend.
He doesn't care about your feelings in any of this, he's dismissed you and your thoughts out of hand. I'm sorry love, but it's true.
Please take some time out for you? Please end it, I'm fairly certain you'll feel better quite quickly when you realise how truly draining him and his family are on you.
This man is doing this because he can, because he's deeply flawed. None of this is your fault. No decent friend would treat anyone like this. Let alone a fully grown man.
When did you meet him? How long did it take for him to convince you to go out with him? How did you meet him? For me, he's bordering on predator.
Please end this "relationship".
Then go and get some counselling for your self-esteem issues.
Are you in the UK? Are you British? This is not how normal relationships work. You are young, you can move on and things will be much better.
In future: 40 year old men who live with their mother are a huge Red flag; Mothers who treat you with disrespect are also a red flag, especially if their sons don't defend you.
Go out there, get friends, explore your own interests and career. It is hard to get over "first love" but you can do it, and you are worth so much more.
he loves living with his mammy and that is why you should reconsider staying with him. His "mammy" will always come first, his brother will come second and you will come last, always.
Re-read your other posts and mentally insert 2 teenage lads and you will see just how emotionally immature they are. You are better than this, but unless you stand up for yourself now and leave, you are in for a world of hurt.
I second the idea of counselling to help you deal with your self esteem problems, you are worth so much more than this guy, but the only person who cant see that is you! Even him and his mother know you are too good for him, thats why they keep trying to take you down a peg!
Join the discussion
Please login first.