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Am I going to far?

(44 Posts)

I've posted before, but need to air my thoughts and if anyone has any feedback I'll be very grateful.
my P was arrested 2 months ago because he tried to strangle me whilst I was carrying our young child in the stairs. When the police arrived and took a statment everything spilled out of me regarding abuse happening over a long time, sexual abuse also. He was charged and wants to go to crown court. After I went to give supporting evidence last week, the police have come back to me and said what I've told them and given evidence for warrants two more very serious charges.
I don't know what to do. He is the father of my children and if found guilty will be sent to prison and have great difficulty ever finding a job again. I never wanted this for him, I never wanted this ending, though I did want us to separate as it all took it's toll on the children also.
His family think I'm after vengeance, but last time I did apologise to them for him abusing me and attacking me and me subsequently running away with our children for 2 weeks. It was very hard for them and him that I told other people what had happened!
Now I wonder is it just me enjoying playing the victim? I want him to understand once and for all that he cannot behave like this to me. But, I feel so lost in all this, and trying to care for the children who miss their dad and just wants us to be happy family again.
I have friends but my family all live abroad.
There's things I don't want to tell my friends about, because it's very personal.
I don't know if I'm doing the right thing in allowing the CPS to charge him.

thanks for flowers smile
maidmarian, that is awful.
I thought briefly to retract statments to protect him. But I do not lie, so if his actions are so bad they can't stand the light of day, too bad for him.
It did help knowing that it was the CPS vs him. I don't know if that's a fairly recent development to avoid scenarios like yours. I'm sure they knew you weren't lying, but they are powerless to help you. They must have breathed a sigh of relief that you managed to get away alive.

Good luck to all who are dealing with this!

I'm so pleased for you that you dont have to go to court. My abusive ex talked me into retracting statements against him. I subsequently had to tell the DV policewoman that I was lying. I frigging well wasnt. I felt pathetic. I spoke the truth, and XP could not bear the truth about him coming out.
I left him after he came at me with a knife. I wish I'd have found the strength to have him done. He deserved it. He needed convicting.
I hope your XP gets a prison sentence OP. What a vile man.
thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-May-13 12:18:59

Really proud of you for sticking to your guns. You should get huge personal confidence from the way you've seen this through, especially in the face of those who wanted you to back down. Glad he's not making you go to court and I hope you're getting plenty of support from the authorities, friends and family. Good luck

wordyBird Mon 13-May-13 12:10:38

Yay turbo! Thank goodness thanks

wow, he's changed his plead to guilty! Oh the relief. I don't know what will happen to the other two charges the police mentioned, but he's pleaded guilty to the two that were there.
I don't have to witness in court, and hope I can get moving with the residency order and just get our lives on track porperly!
Just had to say hurray on here too!

MatureUniStudent Sun 12-May-13 09:03:06

Turbo, if your appearance in court is in England or Wales, then if the quality of your evidence would be affected then the CPS will be able to put in an application for your evidence to be given from behind screens or in some cases, from a video suite. To put your mind at rest, ask what the court has ordered for your evidence, how you are to give it. You will also have the support of witness support. But there isn't anyone who could not share your worry about having to relive this in court. I think you are a v brave person standing up for yourself and I wish you well.

stargirl04 Sat 11-May-13 23:56:24

Hi OP. First, just a disclaimer to say that I haven't read through the whole thread, so don't know what the latest development is.

But I just want to say one thing. During the course of my work, I come across cases every day of someone who was killed or maimed at the hands of an abusive partner. And before the final eventuality, there are always events that led up to it which were a clear indication of what was to come, but sadly the abused person did not leave (usually because they were too terrified).

By reporting him to the police and pressing charges, you are not only protecting yourself and your DCs, you are protecting the women and children who may unwittingly fall victim to him in the future.

Don't pay any attention to his family - they are in denial, and probably comfortable with criminality. Your partner must face justice as heis a danger to other people.

Well done for your courage, OP. Run, run, run for your life and your DCs lives.

forumdonkey Sat 11-May-13 22:32:50

Remember hes an adult, a grown man who is responsible for his own actions. You couldn't make him stop and be the loving caring man he should have been and equally you didn't/couldn't make him do all those vile abusive things he did to you.

Keep this in mind and stay strong. He is his own man, made his own choices and they were his actions - the consequences are his and his alone.

jessjessjess Sat 11-May-13 21:42:11

His actions
His fault
His problem
His guilt
His shame
His responsibility

You are absolutely right matureunistudent. this is a great development that avoids people being scared and then withdrawing charges through external pressure. The CPS decides what the charges are according to statements given and evidence available.
Apparently I could withdraw my statement, but would then be presented with a court summons. If i then didn't show up I could be prosecuted for showing contempt for the court. None of this is going to happen. I did not lie, so have no need to withdraw my statement. It is just very hard, and lots of feelings are swirling about. I felt overwhelmed and like I would not be able to go through with it, in terms of having to bear witness in court. (even if technically I do not have the choice anymore - a good thing in my opinion)
Sorry to give the wrong impression regarding this!

MatureUniStudent Sat 11-May-13 20:11:57

I just want to clarify - the OP and other posters are talking as if the CPS is giving you a choice about what your exp is charged with - I thought, and I am happy to be corrected, but if there is enough evidence to charge your exp's and its in the public interest, then irrespective of if you don't want it to go ahead, it will go ahead anyway -

You can't just "call it off" because he has "learnt his lesson" - it might help to tell those people that are not supportive to you this - that there is nothing you can do, as it is nothing to do with you because if you break the law, then the legal system takes over.

wordyBird Sat 11-May-13 19:47:16

flowers bravo for telling the police everything, despite all the conflict and horrible opposition.

And to counteract the nonsense people have said to you:
- HE over reacted, dangerously. Not you
- He ruined himself
- he is a rapist
- He doesn't deserve to be let off
- All of this is his fault.

You are doing the right thing, turbo, and you're being extremely brave.

yes, we are separated. When my sister called the police I was petrified, but when they came I decided to go for it fully. He cannot come here, he cannot contact me in any way, I'm telling the police everything even if it's really difficult, personal stuff.
Some people seem to think I'm over reacting and should let him off. I've heard: you're going to ruin him, he'll never get work again, how will he support you if he's in prison (?) and now that I've scared him good and proper I should call it off.
I'm sure a lot of women have this crap thrown at them from close quarters. It's hard enough with all the anxiousness and sadness, but for those who do not have a rl support system it must be torture.

It's already been said, but if someone tries to strangle you it doesn't matter who they are, it needs to be reported to the police.

Also bear in mind that if it ever gets to the point where you leave him, and you are worried about access because of his violence, if he hasn't been charged with any dv crime, it may not be taken seriously. You never know what will happen in the future. I would allow the charge for the possible future protection of my dc if nothing else.

Thank you for boosting post sadsong. Yes, I actually begged him to have me sectioned as I thought I must be completely loopy and unfit to look after my children.
Surprisingly we are doing ok without him. It's early days, but the boys are calming down and having a good time.
Today xmil + husband came to see the children. All smiles and wanted to kiss me hello etc. I actually pushed her away. Been there, done that and may soon print the t-shirt. I'm not going to be difficult regarding the children, however it will be on my terms.
Had an email about stuff he wanted. He couldn't have those things, but i had other things for him, but suddenly she did not want to be the go-between. hmm ok.

sadsong Thu 09-May-13 13:27:24

It made me so determined that wasn't going to be my life. He had me believing no body would want me, that I wouldn't cope, that I needed to be sectioned.

The flip side is I actually realised he was the deranged one. If I hadn't left then I wouldn't have what I do now. I now successfully run 2 companies and have 5 beautiful very well balanced children and a loving husband.

There is so much out there for you too! Live your life your way winkdo not be afraid! In a few years you'll be telling others they can do it to!

elfycat Thu 09-May-13 13:00:12

I don't have any direct experiance and wiser and more experienced voices are here.

But I want to say that you've been through a lot but have been making good decisions about the safety of yourself and your children. It sounds to me like you are taking your time thinking things through from all sides, which is good in one way. But do not let the doubts get on top of you, you are doing the right thing. You know that from the reactions of the police and CPS. They know his actions are so far beyond normal that they are illegal and criminal.

You are amazingly strong to have come through this and still be compassionate about him and his family (your OP). Do not let his family manipulate your good nature (as shown by you apologising previously). Your compassion will enable you to help your children through whatever has happened and whatever will happen to their father after all of this.

Please use all the support you can. GPs will be a good starting place for some services you might get benefit from, so would asking the police for links to their support and also if there is someone at you sons' school you could discuss them having extra support with. Do you have pastoral services at Uni you would access?

Best wishes to you in all your endeavours.

sorry, just read the new posts. Yes, I will go to GP to see about psychologist.
Isetan, thank you for that. I have the support from the police, and that makes a huge difference. I wont back down. the biggest thing is what you said, I have to stand up to him to show he can't mess about with me anymore. otherwise he'll just carry on and it will all be turned around. He has said before that I make him want to strangle me. I just didn't think that he'd do it whilst endangering his daughter. I guess I closed my mind to what it would mean for the children if he actually did strangle me.

I'm so sorry to hear it happened to you too, sadsong, it's happening far too much and it makes no sense!
Yes, I have gone over the conversation with xmil in my head, and when no-one is around I do yell after her blush because she claims to look out for my children and their best interest, but really she is totally out of order. I've realised I don't want any of his side of the family to have anything to do with the children for a long time. He is their father, so of course will have contact, but I don't owe it to anyone else! Demented freaks they are.
Lily, this strikes a chord, because he told me how he'd had anal sex with his exwife when she was asleep. She had been raped anally when she was young, and his idea of healing was to have anal sex with her. But then to go and do something like that! I should have run a mile, because this came back and he made me do many things I really didn't want to do, in the name of saving our relationship and that I shouldn't be selfish. He never stopped when I said stop it hurts, or even if I cried. And carried on for years with this. I had to promise I would say yes whenever he wanted to, and then of course would not be allowed to turn back on my promise. Sometimes I would promise after hours of arguing and sometimes days of badgering. And then it was very hurtful and I was ashamed and embarrassed because I let him do these things.
Sorry TMI.
I don't want him to get a new wife, and then she endures the same again. I would not be jealous or upset of a new partner for him, I don't think, but I would implore her to run away.
He has turned every trick in the book on me, but always in a very clever way. And because I have done silly things, and been moody and depressed and not easy to live with, I felt I had no defense. But after a particularly nasty argument I realised that even if it was ALL my fault, I could not live like this> I decided to leave when I had studied and gotten a job. I also started talking back, saying he had no right to talk to me like that, and that's when he lost the plot completely. he did not care if it hurt his daughter too, and that is what opened my eyes. he did not care if the children got hurt, he had to hurt me since I did not accept his nonsense.
That isn't really love, is it? Even if it is, I don't want it.

cestlavielife Thu 09-May-13 12:21:17

1. you are doing the right thing and absolutely he needs prosecuting
2. cut contact with his family or let someone else faciltiate contact with the DC and thenm. someone you trust. or let them use a contact centre.
3. go to GP and getreferred you and dc to familytherapist/specialistt counselling to help you through this and sort out the conflicted feelings which are completely natural. by talking about them in a safe place with trained people you can all come thru this stronger
4. only consider safe supervised contact for the dc with their dad. it needs to be supervised and monitored. court can recomend and set this up via CAFCASS.

Isetan Thu 09-May-13 12:12:16

F**k me that was long.

Despite your understandable wobbles you actions so far reveal that you know what he did was inexcusable and the crime committed against you can not go unpunished.

Isetan Thu 09-May-13 12:10:37

I was petrified when I went to court, he had his lawyer and parents and I was on my own. I had written and submitted a victim impact statement but I felt the judge needed to see a face not just a name on a piece of paper. When his lawyer tried to spin things trying to paint me as the perpetrator I stood up and called him out on his lies (judge warned me to keep quiet and that any further outbursts would result in my removal). I told the truth and stood up to a bully and I am so glad I did because it was important to me to stand up to him and for him to see me standing up to him (him being handcuffs helped).

I was in a similar situation to you in that ex tried to strangle me in front of DD and was arrested and eventually Inprisoned for two years. I had his mother in my kitchen sobbing and telling me how she hoped that her husband was still alive when her son was released and I really should think of my daughter before sending her father to prison (she was smart but not toxic enough to be more direct).

My family are overseas and I am very private so I told very few people, I was embarrassed. On a subconscious level I thought, wrongly, that on some small level I must have contributed to his treatment of me. Not that I sung it from the rooftops but there were people I needed to tell. DD needed support so her pre-school needed to know and I had talk to various agencies to secure phycological and financial support for us. With every person I told I realised, in part from their reactions, that I had nothing to be embarrassed about after all I did nothing wrong. Yes, I got some pitying looks but the overwhelming response was of shock and support.

I had, and nearly three years later still have the support of a lawyer and a therapist for me and a Phycologist for DD. These three people really made the difference in the beginning as they helped me survive. DD and I have safe places to tell our stories and to be heard. There were times when my brain completely scrambled, despite knowing deep down the right things to do, my head was in chaos. My therapist provides a place for me to unscramble my brain (in the beginning I was miffed that she wasn't giving more direction but now realise that in my case I had the answers I just needed space and time).

I didn't and don't want to be identified as a victim but he did try to kill me in front of DD (he was convicted of attempted manslaughter) and it was important that It was acknowledged by me as well as others.

My daughter saved me, I
might have tried to retract my statement but because I was so angry at Ex for making her witness the attack I let the police get on with it. When I gave my statement to the police they revealed some of the lies that Ex had said in his statement and I knew then for the truth to be known that I had to tell it.

What your Ex did was terrible and what you are doing is simply telling the truth. You are not being vindictive, petty or vengeful you are simply telling the truth. What your Ex did was terrible and a dysfunctional upbringing doesn't excuse him. He is an adult and any maternal feelings that you had or still have for him will only impede your ability to detach from his abuse. If your Ex has any chance of being a better person then he needs to acknowledge what he did, all if it and you can't help him do it.

Even after all the shit, I don't hate Ex but I had to choose and I chose the safety and security of DD and her mother over any maternal instincts i had towards a grown man.

The selfishness and sense of entitlement of your Ex was not of your creation and is not in your power to control or cure.

Disengage from this toxic man and his toxic family, that doesn't mean that you can't support contact between your children and their father in the future but he has a personality that needs very strong boundaries and someone strong to enforce them.

Even after his stint in prison Ex still sees himself as the victim, god only knows what he would have been like had the criminal justice system bought into his delusion.

You and your kids have suffered a terrible trauma and you all need support.

It took me a long time to realise that Ex had serious issues and his behaviour had nothing to do with me. He was and is a man that doesn't take responsibility for his actions and because of proximity I was a convenient person to blame for his inadequacies.

You have not been being over sensitive or over reacting. You have done nothing wrong.

You are being really brave and I hope you continue with the going to court, even though it is a hard road.

Please remember that all the time we are reading in the papers about men who kill their partners and children. Please don't let this be you. You need to be safe, even if he is on good behaviour now, there is no "happy families" to return to, only "scared, with good reason, families".

Also you are doing this for other women, if he doesn't go to court now, what if some years down the line he has a new partner and starts trying to strangle her?

I wish you good luck and courage.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-May-13 09:56:14

You're doing the right thing. There are too many violent men roaming the streets, looking for women to terrorise. Your kids are traumatised by what happened as it is. Imagine if they were visiting your grave instead.

Courage.

sassy34264 Thu 09-May-13 08:26:50

And he was constantly pointing out how I over reacted, was over exaggerating, over sensitive.

Pressing forward with the charges will may make him realise how serious it was and how it wasn't you over reacting.

As for your MIL, i'm sorry but i would fight her with low blows. When she asked how you would feel if one of your sons were to be charged with similiar, i would have said, 'i would never ever abandon my sons, like you did, so it will never happen'

Stupid, selfish, cow that she is. So angry on your behalf.

You really have to find the strength to go through with it. He needs to understand the seriousness of what he has done. He will just minimalise it otherwise and possibly smirk in your face.

Definately call womans aid. You need some support to help you stay strong.

And bloody well done on the uni science course!

How can you be even a fraction of what they have said about you, when you are capable of studying at university confused and a bloody hard subject at that.

You will start to grow in confidence soon i promise. It's just unfortunate that you have to go through all the terrible emotions beforehand, but it doesn't last forever.

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