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Problem with sex

(74 Posts)
Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 05:39:22

Been in relationship for a couple of years. Sex life has always been very good and I have a very strong attraction to BF. We don't live together. All sounds great but he has an extremely high sex drive, mine isn't exactly low but it's not as high as his.

The problem is I've begun to think he manipulates me where sex Is concerned. When he stays at mine we have sex on average once a day sometimes twice and if I'm not always up for it he gets moody.If I call him on this he says sorry but that he's a typical man and they all sulk about it. I know that's not the case however. He is like a different person after he's had sex, happy, cheerful, relaxed.

I got home from work the other day and he wanted to go upstairs straight away, needless to say I didn't. He became noticeably distant, although he never says sex is at the root cause of it I feel it is. Often it will end in a big argument about something seemingly unrelated. Does anyone else have similar issues and how have you dealt with it?

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 10:55:56

The worst thing is he doesn't openly whine that he's not getting enough sex in fact if we talk about it he admits he's probably lucky and has it more than a lot of men. He just tends to go quiet or withdraw or just generally seem in a bad mood. I'm left trying to figure out what's up with him and eventually it'll dawn on me it's because of sex. Or sex will happen naturally and his mood disappears and he's like a different person

Branleuse Wed 08-May-13 10:56:03

he sounds like a nightmare. Dont stay with him just because hes good in bed when you do enjoy it. Definitely not worth him being a dickhead whenever he doesnt get his own way

cjel Wed 08-May-13 11:03:39

surely sex is a pleasure that you should both look forward to? I want a mansion and a million pounds but will sulking and withdrawing help me get it? I think you know yourself that it doesn't feel right and would be right in ending this because I think you will start to resent him and avoid him and then he'll step up the ea and life will be a mess. If you have no ties take a breakxx

Lucylloyd13 Wed 08-May-13 11:29:52

This is simply about relative attitudes to sex, and some of the observations to date have been as self-centred as their criticisims of selfishness.

Some men want a lot of sex. That is the way they are. If as a woman you are not similarly disposed, it is a fault line in the relationship. The man is not to blame.

You have three choices. Allow this imbalance to be a problem. Leave him for a less randy man.Meet his sexual needs.

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 11:53:44

I don't feel there's a huge imbalance in sex drives. I mostly want it when he does but there are occasions that I don't such as immediately I walk through the door after working all day. It is his reactions to these rare occasions that prompted me to write the post.

Sometimes I even wonder if it always is to do with sex, or if something else has put him in a mood. I do find myself wondering what I've done sometimes

Lucylloyd what a load of bullshit. So what if he wants a lot of sex? Does that mean he is entitled to have it? What would he do if he were single? It's not a crime to have a high sex drive or want a lot of sex. It is not acceptable to pressure, directly or indirectly (through sulking) your partner into having sex.
OP, do you think that sex will become a chore and you will not be able to show him spontaneous affection for fear that he gets the wrong idea and put pressure on you? That is how I think I would end up feeling.

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 12:08:44

I'm not sure, I still feel able to show spontaneous affection and we are a couple of years into the relationship.

This is why I'm confused, because we have sex every day when together yet he still behaves that way. Sometimes I can relate it to sex other times he can accept no and be perfectly ok. This is why I'm wondering if the moods are more a symptom of general control over me

Leaving the sex aside for a minute - you have described various ways in which he manipulates and controls you. Is that what you want?

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 12:34:19

Hate to say it but I think I've got used to it. I don't just allow it though which is why I think we have a fair few arguments. I spell out clearly what is and isn't acceptable to me and he does make adjustments but obviously he can't have a personality change

Will he ever change? I don't know. I know his flaws but I do love him

Dahlen Wed 08-May-13 12:59:11

I can't help feeling that if you're not living together yet and are already having a fair few arguments (with the result that nothing has changed, seeing as you're still either expected to have sex or he sulks), this relationship is not a keeper.

cjel Wed 08-May-13 14:44:24

I started by laying down the law and not putting up with 35 years on he'd got horrendous, violent and abusive in every way including rape'because hes a man and has needs'!!! I got worn down and had depression and breakdowns, I was emotionally and physically exhausted , either not putting up with and arguing or putting up with and losing myself. Follow your gut you shouldn't have to spend your life rowing just not to have to do what he wants,

SlumberingDormouse Wed 08-May-13 15:00:38

I'm in the same situation. I have quite a high sex drive (once a day) but DP's is even higher (twice a day or more). However, he is nice about it and never makes me feel bad if I turn him down. He wanks too if he gets desperate, which I have no problem with and secretly enjoy watching! grin Sometimes I feel guilty for saying no, and I talk to him about it and he reassures me. I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your DP about this. You are perfectly entitled to turn sex down without him making you feel bad about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 15:02:20

"Will he ever change? I don't know. I know his flaws but I do love him"

People rarely change in the fundamentals. Some flaws are worse than others. I also once loved a man that saw sex as a combination of stress-relief and self-affirmation, also sulked like buggery if I wasn't in the mood, and I ended up feeling like a blow-up doll, uncomfortable in my own bed at night, waiting for the inevitable ...

If you're OK living like that it's your call but I really don't recommend it.

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 18:49:51

I think he sees sex as a form of self affirmation. Sometimes when I call him on things or if he thinks I am attacking him he will say " well finish with me then" I know full well he doesn't want that so is he just saying it to manipulate me into shutting up?

susiedaisy Wed 08-May-13 19:00:32

Hi op I have read thread and agree with other posters,
I was married to a man who would sulk and be off with me if he didn't get sex and on occasions as the relationship went on he didn't take no for an answer, it was vile!!

Can you really honestly see yourself tolerating this sort of behaviour for the rest of your life, in my experience when you move in with, marry and have kids with men like this it will be nearly impossible to stand your ground!

SlumberingDormouse Wed 08-May-13 19:02:26

Maybe you should call his bluff and finish with him the next time he says that. Only then might he see how hurtful it is when he says such things.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 08-May-13 19:08:41

He sounds immature. He has not learned to vocalise his feelings, only act them out (ie get worried, sulk). He needs to recognise that it is his responsibility to manage his neuroses (and we all hhave them), not yours

AnyFucker Wed 08-May-13 19:08:59

Just finish with him. And mean it.

How old is this person ? 13 ?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 08-May-13 19:11:56

If he can't recognise this and changed you are doomed. It's fundamental to a relationship that people take responsibility for their own emotions.

If you have children that would throw a grenade into the relationship.

AnyFucker Wed 08-May-13 19:13:49

Christ, imagine this manchild getting his delicate little cock nose put of joint by a new baby ?

AnyFucker Wed 08-May-13 19:14:05

put out of joint

Selba Wed 08-May-13 20:12:53

several of my friends husbands do this.
All very lovely blokes otherwise. Downright odd if you ask me. I don't think I could put up with it

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 20:16:44

That's interesting to know, so he's not alone in doing it then.

Do your friends complain about their husbands doing it?

AnyFucker Wed 08-May-13 20:18:04

Just because some other inadequate men do it too isn't a reason to tolerate it

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 20:21:14

No absolutely it isn't. I just wondered how selbas friends cope/ react

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