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Problem with sex

(74 Posts)
Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 05:39:22

Been in relationship for a couple of years. Sex life has always been very good and I have a very strong attraction to BF. We don't live together. All sounds great but he has an extremely high sex drive, mine isn't exactly low but it's not as high as his.

The problem is I've begun to think he manipulates me where sex Is concerned. When he stays at mine we have sex on average once a day sometimes twice and if I'm not always up for it he gets moody.If I call him on this he says sorry but that he's a typical man and they all sulk about it. I know that's not the case however. He is like a different person after he's had sex, happy, cheerful, relaxed.

I got home from work the other day and he wanted to go upstairs straight away, needless to say I didn't. He became noticeably distant, although he never says sex is at the root cause of it I feel it is. Often it will end in a big argument about something seemingly unrelated. Does anyone else have similar issues and how have you dealt with it?

LittleMissLucy Wed 08-May-13 05:52:25

erm I am no expert but he sounds a bit odd, to me.

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 06:06:48

I think he is sex mad tbh. I feel like I might as well ' do it' at times because then in know the atmosphere will be relaxed. He is a very considerate lover and I do enjoy it. It's just I'm not up for it as often as he is. If I talk to him about it he says , a bit huffily that the best thing he can do is back off completely and I will have to do the running. It seems he's suggesting going from one extreme to another. I feel like screaming ' just relax and be normal'

It's as though it totally dominates his life

Moanranger Wed 08-May-13 06:15:42

Like my STBXH, I'm afraid. At least yours is apparently good in bed. Mine used to sulk & demand sex & had no understanding/ empathy with my position.
TBH, what will eventually happen is that you will lose your enthusiasm for sex as it is always on his terms. Having sex will become a battleground. Just writing that sentence sums it up.
You need to have a serious talk with him. This is not a good trait in someone you may be considering as a long term partner & could lead to bullying in other areas.

Numberlock Wed 08-May-13 06:20:09

A more considerate partner would just have a wank from time to time. It's like you owe him sex as and when he wants it which is bullying/abusive.

He'd have to cope if he was single fgs.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 06:34:28

He's using emotional bullying techniques - sulking, distance, arguments, making you out to be abnormal, manipulation - and that is completely unacceptable and disrespectful.

Never have sex against your wishes.... This man only cares about his own needs.

ihatethecold Wed 08-May-13 06:37:08

He is not a typical man...

Most men don't get moody f they don't get what they want.

Why would you put up with that behaviour.

I know I wouldn't.

saintmerryweather Wed 08-May-13 06:38:48

My ex was like this down to the sulking. if we got into bed amd i said no to sex he would turn his back and refuse to touch me at all. he was absolutely crap in bed, very selfish. Hes punishing you with his sulk so that you will change your mind and he will.get what he wants regardless of whether you want it or not

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 06:46:39

Yes he has been known to turn his back and not touch me if I don't want sex. He says its better to do that than get turned on. He's definitely not selfish in bed though and always wants me to enjoy it and if I'm not he will stop and be fine about it. In a way though I think that him wanting me to love it is also part of the manipulation.

If I'm enjoying it he thinks he will get more and it's an ego boost. He also asks me fairly if I think I will ever get bored of him????

He sounds like a dickhead. Do you want that for the rest of your life? Not all men are like that at all, by the way.

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 07:11:11

I think I've actually forgotten how a 'normal' man reacts and deals with the situation. Everything is very intense between us. I can see he manipulates me in many ways and I react against it most of the time and point it out to him.

Needless to say he doesn't like that. Occasionally he will accept it but more often he throws something back at me

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 07:12:28

He making himself sound very insecure and, sadly, that often goes hand in hand with this kind of controlling behaviour. But as you've seen through his tricks I think you have to make a decision about whether you're prepared to keep putting up with the sulking etc or whether you'd rather call time. You don't even live together at the moment. Imagine if you did and he was pawing you every five minutes.... brr...

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 07:15:38

"Everything is very intense between us."

To me this is a red flag. People that are 'intense', rushing you into things, making you do things against your better judgement, using guilt-tripping, sulking and other highly emotional techniques to get what they want... IME they are only happy when they are in the driving seat. They are really not nice people otherwise. You say he doesn't like it when you point out the manipulation. That sort of fits. Sorry, but I think you're heading for a fall if you stay with this one.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 07:17:14

BTW... how long after you met was he declaring undying love? Does he monopolise your time? Is he happy about you socialising with your friends without him.... display any jealous tendencies?

AnyFucker Wed 08-May-13 07:31:33

Yuk

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 07:37:20

Hmmm " only happy when in the driving seat" sort of fits him I would say. We have a fair few battles because I don't lie down easily and will fight my corner. The fact remains he is manipulative though and uses various techniques. It used to involve losing his temper, shouting ect he knows I won't tolerate that now. Mostly now it involves withdrawing, sulking until I get out of him what the problem is and it might turn into an argument

Can't remember how soon he said he loved me. Only got serious after about a year I think. Seems ok if I see friends but most of spare time is together.

Forgot to mention I think he does a bit of nice/ nasty because following a sulk, withdrawal, argument, he is super nice. I might be doing him a disservice here though because he could just be making amends

DaemonPantalaemon Wed 08-May-13 07:41:55

If he is as awful as you make him sound, why are you still with him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 07:47:22

Oh he sounds too much like hard work. Hot/cold, sulking, withdrawing and generating arguments are not mature, respectful or loving ways to resolve disagreements... they are straight out of Chapter 1, Page 1 of 'Emotional Abuse for Dummies'. Even though I don't think you are currently allowing yourself to be manipulated and even though you are seeing through the game-playing, what's happening here is that he is keeping you on a hook, making himself overly-important in your life and here you are... posting on websites wondering whether you're overreacting about not wanting to have sex with him all the time, or if there's something wrong.

People like this man are emotionally draining and, even if you think you're unaffected, they will chip away at your self-esteem. You already feel that you "might as well 'do it'".... and that's a very slippery slope because it's taking away your free will. Here's a thought. Whatever you have planned for the next couple of weekends, take a rain-check. Hook up with your old mates, do something solo & leave him to his own devices for a while.

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 08:23:59

Would you say it was ' normal' to want sex that often? Although I appreciate there is no ' normal' when it comes to sex and its more his reaction and the way he deals with it that makes it a problem?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 08:54:09

You're right, there is no normal when it comes to frequency. smile You're also right that the way he is reacting is turning what should be something pleasant and comforting into something stressful and unpleasant.

Mind my asking how old you both are?

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 09:04:27

Far too old for this immature behaviour tbh. I think it's because I was married for many years but had no real sexual attraction for him so hence no sex life to speak of for years. So when I found someone with whom I was sexually compatible I put to one side his behaviour regarding it.

As time went on its harder to put it aside and I know he's immature in lots of ways but I think I also found him exciting. Still love him by the way and we do have fun times and he does lots for me

Allinuse Wed 08-May-13 09:13:19

His ex wife cheated on him which may explain some issues. Maybe he has hang ups about perceived rejection

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 09:13:56

OK... but please avoid 'might as well do it' just to keep this guy on side. Keep standing up for yourself. Don't tolerate sulking or strops. Maintain your own standards, friends and self-respect rather than being suffocated by his behaviour. No-one is that exciting.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 08-May-13 09:16:05

"Maybe he has hang ups about perceived rejection"

That is immaterial. Your primary concern are your feelings and your requirements. You are not responsible for his happiness any more than you are responsible for his neuroses. If you believe you are responsible, if you start making excuses for his behaviour you open yourself to more sexual coercion and that is a very miserable row to hoe.

My XH would have sex at any and all available opportunities if he had his way. He would happily do it twice a day if given the chance. But he didn't sulk and whine if I wasn't up for it.

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