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Possible cheating partner - how to check an iphone?

(112 Posts)
Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 07-May-13 12:46:47

Hi, I wrote recently about my partner of 19 years (anniversary today actually) telling me he doesn't love me anymore.

This was the outcome of an argument about me thinking he's cheating. I have suspected this for a few months now and around three weeks ago I asked outright to look through his iphone.

Now, he got the iphone in January. I don't know my way around one and wasn't sure what I was looking for. What I DO know is that he's very attached to it (it lives in his pocket), it beeps and rumbles constantly in the evenings/at weekends, it has a pass-code (which I'm fairly certain I know from careful observation).

When he gave me the phone (extremely reluctantly) to look at, I didn't really know what to look for. There was nothing incriminating in the texts (but he would probably delete them as he went along), but is there a messenger service on there? I have a Blackberry so I have BBM on mine. Is there something similar on the iphone that I should be looking for? How do I get onto the internet and check the history of it? How do I check for over-used phone numbers, etc? I can only check it when he's asleep at night so I need to be quick with it.

I'm asking this off the back of the zombie thread that's popped up, that I read with interest - it all made me sit up very straight indeed!

I know people are going to tell me that I should just end it and that I don't need the evidence, etc, but please bear in mind that everyone is different and I DO need the evidence. I need it for my own peace of mind and to make sure that I don't tear us apart completely when there are three children to take into account too.

Any iphone users out there who can help?

BerylStreep Tue 07-May-13 17:15:20

Good luck. I would be inclined to leave the house with the phone, so he can't interrupt you looking at it.

IslandMoose Tue 07-May-13 17:46:26

Edwin is correct. Installing software on to somebody else's device without their permission or jailbreaking somebody else's iphone without their permission is a criminal offence. Adultery, on the other hand, isn't - so there is no obvious reason why he wouldn't refer such actions to the police.

I would strongly advise against either course of action.

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 07-May-13 22:47:40

Ok, all illegal stuff aside, I found the account number for his phone and checked the itemised statements. The same number comes up over and over, going back at least a year. Texting two or three times early am (before he goes to work or on his way there), texting and calling (very short calls) throughout the day, texting in the evening (when he's with me and the kids ffs) and then (the best bit) texting and more short calls after he's gone to bed because 'he's knackered', sometimes up to an hour and a half after going up.

If I want to ring the number and see who answers, does 141 work on mobiles or will my number come up at the other end? I mean, even if I do ring and a woman answers (which my heart tells me WILL happen) she could just say she's answering her partners phone.

What a fucking mess...

BerylStreep Tue 07-May-13 22:55:39

Oh, Heartbroken, I am sorry that your fears were confirmed.

Sit tight on the info for the moment, until you have had time to think.

What do you want to do long term?

skaboy Tue 07-May-13 22:59:43

I don't have the technical advice you need, but I do empathise with your need to see the evidence although it might upset you even more for a time. I've been going through the same thing with my wife (soon to be ex-wife hopefully) and I think I only wanted to check her phone to confirm that I wasn't losing my mind by not believing her. It was a relief to know I wasn't going crazy.

I was only able to do this when she water-damaged her i-phone and got a replacement emergency crappy old Nokia which I could work! So the answer is - chuck it in the toilet

Damn technology and its amenability to lying cheats!

hf128219 Tue 07-May-13 23:10:04

Yes 141 works on a mobile.

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 07-May-13 23:13:21

The fucker has gone up to bed 'knackered' again this evening, but the lamp was still on forty minutes later so I'm guessing he's texting or making his very short calls.

I don't know what I want long-term. At the moment, my heart is saying I want him to choose me and try to get through this. It's weird cos I always thought cheating would be a deal breaker for me. Maybe it will be if I actually see any evidence. It's not looking good though is it?

What really hurts is seeing this number come up first thing and last thing. First person he wants to speak to when he wakes up and last one before he goes to sleep - unless he's ringing wanklines. I know he's done that in the past, but I'm assuming they're not generic mobile numbers and would come in expensive on his phone bill. Having said that, some of his bills have been £160 - how the fuck do you run up a bill that big???

Shit, this is all so shit.

olgaga Tue 07-May-13 23:14:05

You might be better off with this rather than ringing the number. There's no guarantee you're going to find out who it is - but you will tip them off.

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 07-May-13 23:14:41

So if I press 141 then dial the number they won't get my number? Not that it matters, but I'm paranoid that a) he may have given them my number not to answer and b) what if it's someone he works with? I'll probably just hang up anyway.

olgaga Tue 07-May-13 23:17:51

Also, if you are both on FB you can search for their number on there.

olgaga Tue 07-May-13 23:19:24

Also you can search your own contacts list on your phone/email/his email for the number.

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 07-May-13 23:19:48

Thanks Olgaga but he's not on Facebook so that would be no good. I'm also very iffy about the other link you added, as it doesn't tell you what the costs are for using the service, but thanks anyway.

hf128219 Tue 07-May-13 23:22:30

Have you googled the number ?

olgaga Tue 07-May-13 23:22:37

Yes it's very difficult to do - impossible unless you use one of these services. Have you tried just Googling the number? Would it be worth creating an account on FB just to do the search?

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 07-May-13 23:26:43

Nothing through Google. I have a Facebook account, but it's pointless searching on there because it won't be someone I know.

Virgil Tue 07-May-13 23:32:45

I'd be inclined to ring the number using his phone and see if she picks up or send a text. Lock yourself in the bathroom when you do it.

Sorry this is happening to you.

onefewernow Tue 07-May-13 23:35:07

I would have a think first. The trouble with the shell shock is that you don't know what you want. And the adrenaline kicks in.

Many people's immediate instinct is to want to hang on to what they have, but that is just a reflex. Talk to someone in RL maybe, and take if slowly.

After the fear and the shock comes the anger.

I'm really sorry.

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 07-May-13 23:36:27

That's the thing though, Virgil, he keeps his phone with him at all times. Where he goes, the phone goes, plus it's passcoded. I'm fairly confident of the passcode, but I'm worried what will happen if I input the wrong one.

Actually, does anyone know what happens to an iphone if you try to access it with the incorrect passcode (4 digit code)? Does it let the person who logs in correctly know that there was an attempt to unlock it?

Looksgoodingravy Tue 07-May-13 23:37:33

I'm afraid that the only way of finding out for sure (other than confronting him outright) is through his phone.

So sorry you are going through this. I've been where you are now and totally understand your need to know.

Hope you get some answers to all of this.

olgaga Tue 07-May-13 23:37:35

Yes in that case I'd ring the number from his phone too, if you can get hold of it! But I'd be rather surprised if there is no trace of the number anywhere else through email contacts or something like that.

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 07-May-13 23:38:09

Onefewernow - there isn't anyone in RL I can talk to. My parents live 4 hours away and they're already worrying about me with the whole 'he doesn't love me anymore thing', this would kill them, especially my Dad. And my sister burst into tears when I told her about the love thing, so I can't talk to her either. No close friends.

Heartbrokenmum73 Tue 07-May-13 23:39:21

Olgaga he's almost a complete technophobe. No Facebook, barely knows how to use email (uses mine mostly). He does have an email account on his iphone but I don't think he uses it.

Hegsy Tue 07-May-13 23:40:00

If you put the code in wrong once or twice it won't be an issue. To withhold your number 141 won't work you need to select 'hide number' in call settings

olgaga Tue 07-May-13 23:40:37

Don't do anything yet. What about looking for information elsewhere for now? Financial/credit card info, diaries, receipts, the car glove box, that kind of thing.

Piemother Tue 07-May-13 23:45:40

I know a serial philanderer. I'm fairly sure he uses whatsapp but installs it and uninstalls it to use/hide. Also I think you can set it to do not disturb so the messages don't come through hmm

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