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I've never got over my first love

(36 Posts)
HamsterDam Mon 06-May-13 22:27:52

we grew up together got together for a short while at 17 he was my first love,first proper bf. didn't work out,he hurt me i hurt him back. we have stayed friends for 10 years since with ups and downs we have a few mutual friends.
he now llives in another country maybe forever,i realised when he left 2years ago that i love him,I've never stopped loving him. we talk on skype sometimes and i tell him to be happy and he says he misses me.
i know its stupid i know i need to get a grip but sometimes i think about telling him how i feel even though i know he won't jump on the first plane home.
maybe its obsession but the pain i feel when i think of him being so far from me feels real.
my feelings for him have had a negative impact on all 3of my relationships since. i don't know how to get over it or if i ever will. realistically i know it probably wouldnt work out but i have always felt that we would end up together and i can't seem to let that go. its pathetic. maybe i

Moppymum Thu 09-May-13 23:12:09

Oh I wish you luck, but be on your guard. My sister never got over her university love. 30 years on and two marriages down the line, he came looking for her. They were friends first, then got into a relationship. Everyone was thrilled, it must be fate. She took voluntary redundancy and planned to relocate to be with him. She was out of a job and ready to move, he wobbled. She gave him time to figure it out. He dumped her. Now she's had her heart broken twice by him.

A shared past is very powerful. She wonders if she let herself be swept up by this notion of fate, and if she'd met him for the first time now, whether she'd really have thought he was the bees knees.

I do hope the man from Delmonte says yes though!

HamsterDam Thu 09-May-13 22:55:50

why can't you speak to him?
im not worried about him meeting someone else we have both been with other people it doesn't change how i feel about him. i won't be thinking what if because if we are meant to be together we will be even if it takes until we are both 70, 80 or 100. its not about wanting him to come running but i want him to know how i feel. probably not the most helpful way to this because there really is no end to it, even if he did get married i still might think we could end up together if that makes sense

Theironfistofarkus Thu 09-May-13 22:50:35

I think tell him. He is too far away to be a proper RL friend anyway so nothing lost.

As an aside though I do think it is perfectly possible to love someone but for it not to be right for you to be together. I also think it is possible to love more than one person. I will ALWAYS love the man I was with at university and that was a v long time ago. We are both happily married to other people now and live in different countries but stay loosely in contact. We met too young and life took us in other directions like you. So I guess what I am trying to say is that your love for him need not affect your other relationships if things don't work out, You just accept your feelings, cherish them even but move on.

Hope it does work for you tho!

cafecito Thu 09-May-13 22:33:38

mine is sometimes (only sometimes) on the same train as me. It's awful as I can't speak to him so I pretend I haven't seen him at all and look busy fiddling with my phone as I would collapse in a heap of ridiculousness and tears if I had to speak to him blush

HamsterDam Thu 09-May-13 10:55:20

alot further than Spain unfortunately, if he was that close i would have flown over there to tell him by now.
2 years ago he went and i was a complete mess then but its 10 years ago since we were together and its never gone away, I've always loved him.
i think i should tell him maybe but in a way that he doesn't get scared or feel pressured. i don't expect him to do anything i just want him to know

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 09-May-13 10:40:24

shock

You know, Pink, it did cross my mind.

That would sort us out, wouldn't it? grin

Mines in Spain....

Pinkyorkbunny Thu 09-May-13 10:27:32

hmm We could all be pining for the same person? grin

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 09-May-13 09:35:43

grin at Pink.

Perhaps we should form a quiche?

OP- meant to clarify, mine is also in a different country, like yours. Didn't mean that it is good that yours is! Obv.

Pinkyorkbunny Thu 09-May-13 09:33:08

Do it now before he finds someone else/gets married.

You've already felt like this for 2 years and it's not a nice feeling is it? Imagine if you live to a grand old age of 100... do you really want to spend the next 70/80 years with this feeling of 'what if?'

I'm also living vicariously through you grin

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 09-May-13 08:47:00

Well, a real life friend (the only person who knows actually, because we were house sharing at the time) asked me this very question just this week.

What I feel for my ex, is so enormous, and so different, that it doesn't actually impinge on what I feel for dp. I do have difficulty getting my head round it to be honest. It hasn't actually affected my relationship with dp, not even on an emotional level. I am very good at compartments.

That said, it's a good job he is in a different country. grin

HamsterDam Wed 08-May-13 19:46:26

i will wait until he comes back and test the water, it would be selfish of me to just drop this on him now. i do think he probably knows anyway.
i know he cares about me and likes me so i don't think i would lose him as a friend, i couldn't bare that.
will have a look for that book thanks, he didn't actually live next door but we grew up very close, he has always been there just hurts that he's not now.
NotTreadingGrapes - how does it affect the relationship you're in if you love somebody else? this has affected all of my relationships since; my ex even used it as an excuse for us to break up, why should he love someone that loves someone else?

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 08-May-13 08:45:25

I don't think it's pathetic at all, and I completely understand you not having the courage to press that send button.

Is there the possibility of seeing him in the flesh any time soon? I'd go for testing the waters in real life rather than via text/letter etc.

Have you read The Boy Next Door? T'is lovely. Might give you the push you need. <comes over all romantic>

I am still v much in love with my ex, but not single, so I'm living vicariously through you OP! smile

BookieMonster Wed 08-May-13 01:31:02

Have courage. If you wait until later in the year and he meets "the one" in the meantime, how would you feel?

allaflutter Wed 08-May-13 01:21:00

I'm sure you won't lose a friend if you tell/ask him, he sounds nice and that he likes you, at worst it may be awkward for a while but it won't ruin friendship unless you wanted that. If he kissed you when you were both single, of course he fancies you. Of course he cold have instigated a talk too, but who knows maybe he feels unconfident.

RayofSun Tue 07-May-13 23:07:19

Had he given you any indication that your feelings might be reciprocated?

cafecito Tue 07-May-13 22:21:36

Hmm. If you are both single, then it's different, but I think you should wait til he visits and see how it goes- you also need to be sure you are prepared for what would happen if he doesn't respond in a way you want him to. Also, do you feel safer with a distance, what if it actually did become something real again; is that even what you want? If you're sure you can handle a bad reaction, then go ahead and tell him.

cafecito Tue 07-May-13 22:15:37

you are not the only one. I don't know if telling him how you feel is the answer though. Perhaps you need to make your own life grow so enormously around this to make it matter less. I think he will know how you feel already and telling him, well, it could go either way - what if he stops contacting you? maybe you like hanging on to the maybe rather than actually closing this off? then again, if you think it's a realistic chance of you being together, then you should tell him. If it's just because it's eating away at you and you have these feelings, are you being selfish in telling him now?
I don't mean to sound harsh. I am a stony cold horrible person grin but I really do love someone from my past. I never told him, and for 2 years now I have had an email in my drafts box I have never sent. I know how it makes you feel, and I think yes, I should send it, because what if I died and never had the chance to say it - but equally, I know that in my case, I would achieve nothing other than my own closure, which probably wouldn't happen, instead I'd feel like a tit and it would not be fair on him either, to receive it now, years too late, I decided it would be selfish of me to send it. So there it is, in my drafts, with 'DO NOT SEND' in the subject line blush

HamsterDam Tue 07-May-13 20:54:45

thanks Ray, glad to know im not the only one.
whats stopping me is i don't want to lose him as a friend. also its 10 years ago, i should be over it by now he might think im a freak.
he is visiting within the year, might wait and see what happens when he's here and what his plans are long term, a few more months can't hurt

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 07-May-13 20:42:04

If you are both single then what's stopping you?

RayofSun Tue 07-May-13 20:35:16

I completely understand how you feel. I am like this with my first bf and there are times it hurts like hell and the frustration of us not being together is enormous. We have been on and off but never realistically for a long period of time, due to circumstances. I think the truth is that we may not even have survived a long term relationship but the 'not knowing' is really hard. I think that you should just go for it and then at least you will have no regrets. I have known my ex for 26 years. It is unhealthy for someone to take up so much space in your heart but not in your life.

HamsterDam Tue 07-May-13 20:15:45

his bad points don't include short temper or possesivness definatly not violent. i know he would never go out of his way to hurt anyone, he has a good heart. there was substance abuse from both of us-lots of weed we both still dabble now and again but not as a habit. i wouldn't want him to change i love him the way he is.
being older means we have lived life and even though ive been with other people even had a baby with one of them my feelings for him are still there,we still get on he's still the one.
we are both single yes. the first time we were both single at the same time we ended up kissing on a night out, instigated by him

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 07-May-13 06:12:21

Are either of you single?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 07-May-13 00:28:37

But it wasn't plain sailing was it, you found yourselves breaking up and hurting one another. The first love often stays in our heads and the newness of all those emotions is what makes us look back and in some cases hanker after what seemed particularly alive, dazzling, special.
Less raw the next time with our next affair, less epic the third.

Safe to reflect and dream when he is 100's or 1000's of miles away. Those bad points of his you mention: do they include short temper, possessiveness, violence, substance abuse? In what way was your youth a disadvantage before, how would being more mature help? Are you saying you could better cope with his 'bad points' or coax him out of them?

I am not saying you shouldn't try and get back what you had - just be sure what it is you think you missed out on. If you want to speak up, be bold, let him know.

A1980 Mon 06-May-13 23:08:35

I want to do it with my last bf but I know I must not.

EllaFitzgerald Mon 06-May-13 23:02:59

Well if you feel it was your ages that stopped it from working out, why don't you send him an email telling him that you often think about him and wonder whether things could have been different if you'd been older? If he responds positively, then you've got an opening. If not, then what exactly have you lost? You don't live in the same country and you don't think he's coming back. You don't have to face him. Better a bit of potential embarrassment than being 80 years old and wondering 'what if'

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