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I've never got over my first love

(36 Posts)
HamsterDam Mon 06-May-13 22:27:52

we grew up together got together for a short while at 17 he was my first love,first proper bf. didn't work out,he hurt me i hurt him back. we have stayed friends for 10 years since with ups and downs we have a few mutual friends.
he now llives in another country maybe forever,i realised when he left 2years ago that i love him,I've never stopped loving him. we talk on skype sometimes and i tell him to be happy and he says he misses me.
i know its stupid i know i need to get a grip but sometimes i think about telling him how i feel even though i know he won't jump on the first plane home.
maybe its obsession but the pain i feel when i think of him being so far from me feels real.
my feelings for him have had a negative impact on all 3of my relationships since. i don't know how to get over it or if i ever will. realistically i know it probably wouldnt work out but i have always felt that we would end up together and i can't seem to let that go. its pathetic. maybe i

HamsterDam Wed 08-May-13 19:46:26

i will wait until he comes back and test the water, it would be selfish of me to just drop this on him now. i do think he probably knows anyway.
i know he cares about me and likes me so i don't think i would lose him as a friend, i couldn't bare that.
will have a look for that book thanks, he didn't actually live next door but we grew up very close, he has always been there just hurts that he's not now.
NotTreadingGrapes - how does it affect the relationship you're in if you love somebody else? this has affected all of my relationships since; my ex even used it as an excuse for us to break up, why should he love someone that loves someone else?

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 09-May-13 08:47:00

Well, a real life friend (the only person who knows actually, because we were house sharing at the time) asked me this very question just this week.

What I feel for my ex, is so enormous, and so different, that it doesn't actually impinge on what I feel for dp. I do have difficulty getting my head round it to be honest. It hasn't actually affected my relationship with dp, not even on an emotional level. I am very good at compartments.

That said, it's a good job he is in a different country. grin

Pinkyorkbunny Thu 09-May-13 09:33:08

Do it now before he finds someone else/gets married.

You've already felt like this for 2 years and it's not a nice feeling is it? Imagine if you live to a grand old age of 100... do you really want to spend the next 70/80 years with this feeling of 'what if?'

I'm also living vicariously through you grin

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 09-May-13 09:35:43

grin at Pink.

Perhaps we should form a quiche?

OP- meant to clarify, mine is also in a different country, like yours. Didn't mean that it is good that yours is! Obv.

Pinkyorkbunny Thu 09-May-13 10:27:32

hmm We could all be pining for the same person? grin

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 09-May-13 10:40:24

shock

You know, Pink, it did cross my mind.

That would sort us out, wouldn't it? grin

Mines in Spain....

HamsterDam Thu 09-May-13 10:55:20

alot further than Spain unfortunately, if he was that close i would have flown over there to tell him by now.
2 years ago he went and i was a complete mess then but its 10 years ago since we were together and its never gone away, I've always loved him.
i think i should tell him maybe but in a way that he doesn't get scared or feel pressured. i don't expect him to do anything i just want him to know

cafecito Thu 09-May-13 22:33:38

mine is sometimes (only sometimes) on the same train as me. It's awful as I can't speak to him so I pretend I haven't seen him at all and look busy fiddling with my phone as I would collapse in a heap of ridiculousness and tears if I had to speak to him blush

Theironfistofarkus Thu 09-May-13 22:50:35

I think tell him. He is too far away to be a proper RL friend anyway so nothing lost.

As an aside though I do think it is perfectly possible to love someone but for it not to be right for you to be together. I also think it is possible to love more than one person. I will ALWAYS love the man I was with at university and that was a v long time ago. We are both happily married to other people now and live in different countries but stay loosely in contact. We met too young and life took us in other directions like you. So I guess what I am trying to say is that your love for him need not affect your other relationships if things don't work out, You just accept your feelings, cherish them even but move on.

Hope it does work for you tho!

HamsterDam Thu 09-May-13 22:55:50

why can't you speak to him?
im not worried about him meeting someone else we have both been with other people it doesn't change how i feel about him. i won't be thinking what if because if we are meant to be together we will be even if it takes until we are both 70, 80 or 100. its not about wanting him to come running but i want him to know how i feel. probably not the most helpful way to this because there really is no end to it, even if he did get married i still might think we could end up together if that makes sense

Moppymum Thu 09-May-13 23:12:09

Oh I wish you luck, but be on your guard. My sister never got over her university love. 30 years on and two marriages down the line, he came looking for her. They were friends first, then got into a relationship. Everyone was thrilled, it must be fate. She took voluntary redundancy and planned to relocate to be with him. She was out of a job and ready to move, he wobbled. She gave him time to figure it out. He dumped her. Now she's had her heart broken twice by him.

A shared past is very powerful. She wonders if she let herself be swept up by this notion of fate, and if she'd met him for the first time now, whether she'd really have thought he was the bees knees.

I do hope the man from Delmonte says yes though!

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