Debating reporting historical sexual abuse but complicated.. Would you? Sorry its long

[BrickInTheWall]

I have name changed so this is not linked to my usual nn which some people know.

Its quite complicated really so apologies if this ends up long.
Basically, I do not have any memories of childhood up until about the age of 12 which is funnily enough when my family and I went to live abroad. Since I was a teenager though, about 15/16 Ive always had this feeling that sth bad happened to me as a child but I couldnt quite put my finger on it. Its hard to describe but I had some thoughts that I werent sure if they were hazy memories or bad dreams. It was of someone touching me inappropriately when I was very young.. Im thinking between 4-9. I had a feeling it was my maternal grandfather, im not sure why have just always felt really uncomfortable around him and just a kind of gut feeling.
Anyways, I never said anything to anyone because I couldnt really remember clearly and I didnt want to go around throwing out accusations that may not be true.

Then quite a few years later, (I was 22/23) I ended up being dragged along to a visit to my grandparents when staying with my Mum, My DH and 3yr old DD came too. (Just for information I hadnt been to their house since I was a child, just seen them at weddings etc)
While we were at their house my grandfather began to find it difficult to breathe and was having chest pains. An ambulance was called and my grandmother and mum went to pack a hospital bag asking me and DH to stay with my grandfather. DD starts acting up running about and DH is keeping an eye on her so basically it ends up me and grandfather alone in the living room and DH hovering by the door but kept having to go stop DD from doing sth.
Anyway, my grandfather asked me to come sit with him and then started crying. He told me he was really sorry for what had happened (He didnt say what), that he cant believe he was so stupid, it was only ever me and he just thought I was always so beautiful. He really struggled to get this out through crying and hardly being able to breathe but before I could say anything everyone came back in room, ambulance arrived and he was whisked away. DH had heard bits and pieces of the conversation. DH and I headed back to my Mums and I had a breakdown along the way. I really felt like him saying that to me had confirmed what I had felt had happened and was understandably uppset at the sudden real realisation that it was likely I had been abused.

The next day my Mum asked me what my grandfather and I had been speaking about as she had noticed he was very distressed. I told her everything. She was silent while I spoke and when I finished she just said Well theres no way that could have happened, hes ill he didnt know who he was speaking to(he said my name several times), he never had oppurtunity to do that etc etc Basically she didnt believe me. We still dont speak and that was nearly 4 years ago.

With all these historical abuse claims in the news at the moment its really got me thinking if I should report the abuse in the hopes that it will help me move on from it. I dont know if I should though. On one hand I feel llike it could help me get past it, I think he deserves to get interrogated about it. But on the other hand I think he is an old man (mid to late 80s),he is very ill (he had suffered 2 mini heart attacks that day and has had numerous prooblems since) he never has any contact with children so is not a cause of concern in that way and I know he'll probably feel guilty till the day he dies.
I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he only apologised that day to me because he truly thought he was going to die, hes a catholic and he wanted to be absolved.

I am so conflicted with it and dont really have anyone in RL to turn to about it.. So what would you do?

[JustinBsMum]

I would want to speak to someone who is more knowledgable about this stuff for advice, perhaps Women's Aid can direct you to someone.

[CognitiveOverload]

I think you should speak to a charity with expertise in this. Very difficult to say seeing as you have little recollection of your early childhood. Speaking to someone will probably help you though. Not good to keep it to yourself.

[Chubfuddler]

I am really really sorry this happened to you. The passage of time doesn't abate what he did (Stuart Hall is in his 80s and will be off to prison soon) but I don't know what I would do in this situation ... I agree you should talk to rape crisis or women's aid or somewhere like that. Because the only productive effect of reporting to the police would be a criminal investigation into your grandfather. Not saying he doesn't deserve it, he does, but what can you remember? Enough to secure a conviction - probably not.

You are very brave to confront these issues but I would look for counselling in this specific circumstance.

[NigellasGuest]

sending Big Love to you my darling.
Your story really touched me. I don't know what to advise, and would probably be as confused as you in the situation. What I do know is that you are so brave, and as Chubfuddler says, perhaps you should look to getting some kind of counselling?

[Samebod]

Google NAPAC ,they have a page on finding support and other information that could be of help to you.

Just because you cannot remember the abuse it doesn't mean it didn't happen and the trauma of the assault(s) does very often leave survivors with little or no memory of their childhoods.

I only had very few recalls of my abuse but my abuser admitted guilt so I went forward with taking the bastard through the court system when I was in my 20s (my abuse started very young) The police were very supportive and caring and sympathetic.

Be kind to yourself x

[BrickInTheWall]

Thank you all for your very kind replies.

I am on the NHS waiting list for counselling, saw the referral nurse at the beginning of March and he said its about a 6 month wait so not expecting to get an appointment till September.

Its true it woud be difficult with me not remembering much, I dont feel like I could describe a specific event tbh.
What charities could I call for advice?

[Samebod]

NAPAC or your local rape crisis helpline who also help with historic abuse victims.
I have great psychotherapy through the NHS and came through a lot quicker than expected.
You can work through those uncertain feelings and above all,have a safe place to do.

[WafflyVersatile]

I'm glad you are going for therapy, if not for a while. I hope that is helpful to you.

As for reporting to the police well, maybe have therapy first. I can't possibly presume what good it might do you, or not. It's entirely your decision whether to go or not. You should be supported for either decision.

One way in which it could possibly be useful is if you are in fact not the only victim of you GF. If someone else has been abused by him and maybe was not believed and has gone to the police at some point it might be of comfort to them to know that someone else has also reported him as it may make them feel more supported in their own claim rather than their word against his.

I'm sorry your mum was not able to acknowledge what happened.

[mbinnie]

I feel maybe a part of the reason you want to report it is because you want your Mum to believe you and then she would maybe be there for you and support you for the pain of what you are now going through. It may have been years ago but to you it is just recent the feelings are raw it's like it just happened to you and you are scared hurt betrayed confused & want her to comfort you. That's what I want yet the person who abused me was my mother and I only just remebered over 30years later. I get a lot of flak lost remainder family from reporting it. She does have sole access to a child. The police didn't believe or couldn't prove it was just my word. A polygraph would have proven the truth then I feel if the rest of my family believed me they would have to be here supporting me through this but in reality maybe then even not. Instead of calling me a liar (before I went to the police) they now call me delusional (well she must be imagining it) this is what family will do believe it! Be thankful you remembered so from this you have opportunity to minimise ongoing damages that abuse causes when suppressed it is dangerous it can be turned inward or passed on in one way or another. Now you can put the yuk back to where it came from reporting it helps with that but then when as often no conviction stands due to lack of evidence you can end up feeling like the yuk is back again but it could help another victim and then you would have evidence for conviction. Be prepared for family turmoil & rejection does happen to many victims. I am stronger now I know now the whys of my life most importantly I know now it was not me that was the problem its a journey of discovery of you as you were born to be & whom you now have opportunity to become in the fullest without the taint of another's sins on you. Only remembering makes this possible so you are lucky from that perspective.

[mbinnie]

Me again I have a lot to say on this topic I guess.
I'd say most likely your mother is in denial because she is busy suppressing her own memories and hurt. Things were not brought out in the open so the suppression can be so deep its just not consciously there. A child has to protect the parent image for survival when young to think that a parent does not love the child in the right way is too overwhelming so the mind blocks it. So you are dealing with a physical block in your mother's mind that she doesn't even know is there but I 100% feel your pain at her disbelief and abandonment of you at this time that is what happens when abuse is suppressed & may also have contributed to the situation in the first place as parents should protect their children so there is possibly neglect there an unconscious neglect. So it was a horrible situation that happened to you but it was not your doing it's not your stuff its your abusers & your mothers current neglect of you is because of her stuff not because of you personally. So you are free without these limitations that they have this is the way I have worked things out to be but it is not easy to get to forgiveness but it is a start

[Phalenopsis]

Just thought I'd add this OP. I think your first step is to get some therapy before making decisions about reporting your grandfather. I say this because as mbinnie has pointed out, families can stick their heads in the sand and refuse to believe a victim. I've seen this happen even after a criminal conviction. If you do want your mother to believe you and think that a conviction or suchlike will make her do so then you could be heading for even more heartache.

I am NOT telling you to forget reporting him. What I am telling you to do is focus on your own wellbeing through therapy. Eventually you'll then be in a better frame of mind to make the really tough decision about reporting your grandfather and be able to deal with any unpleasant consequences of doing so.

Good luck and try to take care of yourself.

[mbinnie]

I would not report it because what happens is the victim ends up further at loss as whole family will turn against the one who reports, that is what happened to me i reported cause my abuser left with sole care of child but from that well 3 years later she is still left alone with abuser no one believed me even though i sat and passed a polygraph test detailing the abuse, i had repressed it it came out at age 47 years what had happened, no one understands this memory repression stuff but that is what happens and if you report it things go more down hill from there. counselling is supposed to help but for me the injustice of what has happened as it is me that never gets to see my niece now and my abuser is the one who gets to see her growing up, what was the point it damaged me more reporting thats all i can say, the abuse damaged me the first half my life unbeknown to me why i had these issues until i remembered and now i spend the rest of my life with whole family hating me i lost my father my sisters my brothers my nieces nephews the lot of them they are told im crazy, my mother was my abuser no one can even beleive a mother would do this but she did and it has almost finished me off now loosing my whole family too cause of waht she did do, your mother is probably repressing herself and in denial, the power of denial is incredible the whole family will throw you away for it, to keep their fake perfect family image clean. and they dont' even know they are doing that,

[pog100]

Zombie

[WhetherOrNot]

mbinnie - THIS THREAD IS TWO YEARS OLD - ZOMBIE ALERT!

[ShellGoldie]

Ladies I have something I’d like to get off of my chest but it’s of the historical nature.......I know this is not the place to share but I was hoping that maybe you wise mums and warriors might be able to point me in the right direction, thank you x