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10 months in and he's turning into the arsehole from hell

(110 Posts)
Hayfeverandwine Mon 06-May-13 09:16:21

Been together around 10 months, almost a year. At first he was sweet as pie, funny, full of energy, ideas and enthusiasm and I loved him to bits. Fuck I wanted to marry the bloke.
Then after about 6 months he started to change somewhat. Still lovely 90% of the time but also very whiny. Going on and on about depressing stuff, blowing hot and cold on me. I talked to him, I was terrified of losing him and he seemed to relish in that. When he was going away he'd say stuff like "oh a whole night/week without me - you are going to miss me aren't you! Aww" like he loved the thought of me being upset.
Now he moans about my son every opportunity he gets saying he's lazy, selfish, thoughtless, mucky etc etc. he's 14, that's his job!! What he fails to remember is that my son is a high performer academically having already gained a gcse grade a in science at 14 - gets up 6 mornings a week at 6am to do a paper round and is often the first person his friends call if they are upset and need to talk. Because if this, he's also a peer mentor at school. Hardly hooligan of the year material!

A few weeks ago dp got drunk and was really verbally horrible to me, had me in tears. He apologised and said he was just stressed. He got drunk last night and told me his kids were better than my kids, he's not used to living like a set of estatees because his ex wife and kids are not like "my lot" but he puts up with it because he loves me. Also, after asking him where he stands on marriage as it is important to me he said he probably wouldn't want to marry again, pointed out the fact that I've never been married and asked where my past "engaged" relationships had got me and then said he couldn't imagine that any if my ex's truly wanted to marry me, they probably just felt like they had to ask.

Xales Mon 06-May-13 10:02:21

This sound very familiar you did post before didn't you?

Mutt Mon 06-May-13 10:03:21

Be prepared - as soon as he realises you're serious about ending this poisonous relationship, he will switch back to the lovely, caring man you fell for in the first place. As sure as eggs is eggs.

To be honest, if you have put up with any of this shit up to now, and still say you missed him when he was away for the night, I worry that your self-esteem is already at a low and you are susceptible to him laying on the charm act.

Just remember before you fall back in his arms, you may not have enough self-worth to think you deserve better for yourself, but you sound like you love your son to bits and have obviously done a great job of raising him so far.

How dare this bastard put your lovely son down?

How dare he damage the relationship you have with him? Seeing you put this twat before him really will do that, don't kid yourself it won't.

How dare he influence your son's perceptions of what a relationship is? Your son will see the dynamics of the relationship at work and however much to try to shield him, he knows you well enough to see when you are sad or upset or hurting.

Please find the strength to end this disasterous relationship once and for all. For your son, if not for you.

Doha Mon 06-May-13 10:11:09

What a vile man.
I hope you DS is not being exposed to his rantings--for these alone l would say dump him.
However with everything else he is saying l cannot see even l reason to stay with a selfish abusive bastard.

surely you don't need the might of MN to decide this hmm

Hissy Mon 06-May-13 10:22:26

So this man has been abusing you since 6m in? WOW. That's a WHOLE YEAR faster than on average. Usually it takes between 18m and 2yrs for an abuser to make themselves known.

I want you to stop for a moment. Right now and breathe.

YOU HAVE TO END THIS. If you don't it could be the END of you. Someone who is this nasty this early only has one way to go. Violence, and then EXTREME Violence.

2 women a week are killed by their partners in this country. With the speed and intensity of this man's treatment of you, you are at real risk.

It doesn't matter what you think you feel for this man, you have to do the only thing you can do, and that is to potentially save your life and potentially that of your son. You loved the person he pretended to be to hook you. That person never existed. That person is long gone. You will never ever see that person again. Only flashes designed to trick you into taking more manipulation.

What this vile man does, doesn't do/say/think is immaterial. Why does he do that? because he wants to. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft for the full picture.

This book will also tell you what I will tell you now, but at greater length and more intelligently. This man will never change, he will always and only ever get worse. He could really harm you. Or worse.

I know what it is to face up to this, it's horrific, but you have no choice here.

Please keep in your mind at all times that none of this is anything to do with you, nothing you did, said, are or are not is anything to do with the way he treats you. He would (and does) treat ANY woman like this, only modify the techniques needed to gain control.

End it today. He raises so much as an eyebrow, you call the Police there and then.

Keep posting, you will need support, and it's here in spades, OK?

(((HUG)))

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 10:27:22

Come back and tell us when you have dumped him

There is nothing more to say here

showerhead Mon 06-May-13 10:41:14

this man is awful to you and your son. Be strong, go through with dumping him and don't listen to any pleading on his half. The longer you stay together the harder it will be to make the split so just do it now. You will find someone else who can treat you properly and in the meantime you can focus on yourself and having fun again. Post back if you need support and let us know how it goes.

WafflyVersatile Mon 06-May-13 10:48:25

you know the answer to this.

Finola1step Mon 06-May-13 10:50:02

Good luck Hay. Your last sentence of your last post where you state that you have never cried so much in your life since being with him, is all you need to remember.

Spend some time with that lovely son of yours who I am sure will be very relieved that you have got rid if that nasty piece if work. I remember your last thread. Keep posting, we will be here.

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 10:50:21

Ah, the pub incident.
I'm glad you're ditching him today.

wispa31 Mon 06-May-13 11:34:25

omfg!! leave leave leave!!!

ThePinkOcelot Mon 06-May-13 18:06:09

OP, you know you have to bin him. This can only end in tears - more tears, for you and your poor son. If you stay with this prick, your son will not hang around any longer than he needs to, he will leave as soon as possible. Really, is this horrible person worth that?! No!!!! Get rid.

thekidsrule Mon 06-May-13 21:20:16

hope the op does get rid but i wouldnt be suprised if she didnt

these relationships happen alot from my experience and the women stays year on year with these men,a wasted life for op's son and he will suffer

op please leave for your sons sake if nothing else

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 21:21:35

it's probably quite telling that OP hasn't been back to her thread

sammysaidso Mon 06-May-13 21:25:26

What a horrible person,please let us know how your getting on.

deleted203 Mon 06-May-13 21:32:19

Ten months and it's gone to shit.

Imagine what it will be like in ten years, love...

Bin now!

minouminou Mon 06-May-13 21:38:05

Listen, my love. My mother remarried when I was eight to a cockwad like your BF.

I suffered for years, finally leaving home at 16. She knew some of what was going on and did nothing. I haven't spoken to my mother in 12 years....she had a mild heart attack last week, and I've scarcely thought about it.

She failed me, I can't forgive her. Don't be like her; can you imagine your lovely caring son growing up and cutting you off like that?

LadyBeagleEyes Mon 06-May-13 21:44:14

It's something I'll never ever understand.
How could anyone put a man before their dcs?
I have a ds much like yours Op, except he's older and will be leaving home for uni this year.
Please think about him, if I'd had even just one negative remark from any new man in my life about him he'd have been out the door.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 21:46:27

I have seen many examples on this topic of women putting their relationship with a man before their dc's

My own mother did it. That didn't end well.

minouminou Mon 06-May-13 21:53:59

It never ends well. Sooner or later the child either realises how wrong their mum's behaviour was and sacks her off, or just repeats the pattern.

ChasingStaplers Mon 06-May-13 21:56:25

He sounds like a cunt.
Do you and your (brilliant sounding) DS a favour and bin him.

VodkaJelly Mon 06-May-13 22:18:20

Please please please put your son first.

This pathetic bastard will ramp up his abuse and alot of it will be directed to your son, he will drive a wedge between you and destroy your relationship. PUT YOUR SON FIRST

firesidechat Mon 06-May-13 22:28:41

Your son sounds lovely and I would be proud to have a boy like that. Your boyfriend on the other hand.......

ps - couldn't call him a partner because not sure he deserves the title.

NotMostPeople Mon 06-May-13 22:33:46

My mother put her boyfriends before me all through my childhood and teens. Not only is our relationship very strained, I have real problems believing anyone would care about me as a result.

Leave him for your lovely son.

CruCru Mon 06-May-13 22:35:34

Time to give him the push.

olgaga Mon 06-May-13 22:36:51

Terrible - I hope you and your son are OK.

I hope you can both put this behind you and enjoy the rest of your life without that kind of shit.

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