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"when good people have affairs"

(112 Posts)
confusionoftheillusion Mon 06-May-13 08:13:32

I'd like to read this book To try and understand my recent behaviour but as DH and I are living together I can't just go and buy the book. I've tried to download via iBooks (it says they don't have it) and kindle (again the search won't find it).

Does anyone know how I can download it?

Thanks

Validation.
She is looking for affirmation that shagging someone else's DH behind her DH back is somehow unique and in her case means she is a good person, despite not being honest with her DH or herself.
Her poor DH gets to tie himself in knots wondering what is wrong, while OP hopes to ease her guilt by looking for people to affirm her behaviour. When she reads a post saying, oh babe, don't tell him, you are a good person really, she gets affirmation. When she hears the truth, she flounces.
Simples.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 11:45:33

Is the the "lumbered with OM" poster ??

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 11:46:06

*this

badinage Mon 06-May-13 11:51:11

No it's the other one with 'good' in the title - this time trying to present the OM as a 'good bloke'. The latest posts from the OP slagged off this man's wife for getting upset that her husband's leaving her and saying there's no-one else involved hmm. OP only backed off from slating the poor woman when other posters reacted angrily.

It's a pretty pass when a load of internet strangers have to hand a woman her moral compass.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 11:52:44

Ah, missed that one.

Just as well.

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 06-May-13 11:54:54

OP, try 'not just friends'. It'll help you see the boundaries you crossed, and how you let this get as far as you did.

Of course, you'll need to read it with an open mind, and let go of the idea that this just happened to you and it doesn't reflect on your character. It's up to you if you think it makes you 'bad', but you need to take responsibility for it.

'helping your spouse heal after an affair' is excellent too, but as you have no intention of telling your H, it may not help you.

I only hope that if you don't tell him, you put absolutely everything into never speaking to the OM again, and fixing this. Lying to him to keep on hurting him isn't okay.

Good luck.

killerrobot Mon 06-May-13 11:56:43

After a while on these threads the measured, thoughtful few become drowned out by the angry, knee-jerk many.

Of course good people have affairs. If I'd been cheated on I am sure that I would be permanently unwilling to concede that.

If I had been in the dark about my husband's affair I would insist that any cheat I knew told their spouse because I am sure there is nothing more humiliating than thinking you are the one who doesn't know.

For some of those who advise you that you must tell your husband, the motivation is to see you get your just desserts, so you don't 'get away with it'. It is not necessarily based on any principle.

You've done something stupid; you will probably do it again unless you process why you had the affair and recommit yourself in your mind to your husband. You've humiliated him whether he knows it or not.

This doesn't necessarily make you a bad person, that's a meaningless expression anyway. You did do some bad deeds.

I supsect that coming on here won't do your self esteem much good. I am not sure why you are here. If you want advice as to how you can get a book delivered without anyone finding out you can get that anywhere.

I think you are either here because you are a bit immature and you like rubbing women whose partners have cheated's noses in it (because this is your displaced humiliation of OM's wife) or because you want to masochistically attract some abuse.

AuntySib Mon 06-May-13 11:57:06

I know nothing about you, and have not read your other threads. However, people who are completely happily married do not normally have affairs, so can only assume OM filled a perceived need at a time when OH did not.
I don't think you need to read particular books to understand why you did this, but you could think about it, and work through it with your therapist.
I'm not entirely sure why some other posters say that you won't be accepting full responsibility unless/until you tell your OH about the affair. If you do tell him, think very carefully about a) possible fallout and b) how to do it without hurting him any more than absolutely necessary. If you would only be telling him to salve your own conscience, or as some sort of self-punishment, then that wouldn't really be a good enough reason , IMO.
Sometimes the less selfish option is to keep quiet, particularly if you have children.
If you think he is lilkely to find out from any other source, then it would be better to tell him, at a time and in a way chosen by you rather than having it all explode uncontrollably, for the children's sake.

So her DH does not deserve the choice of knowing the facts and making an informed choice as to whether or not he remains in the relationship?
Nothing quashes the illicit in affair faster than having to face the consequences.
Telling her DH is not about looking for absolution, it is respecting your OH enough to give him a choice in whether to work through your issues together, or not.
OP chooses not to because she does not want to face up to what she has done. She is looking for ways to square her conscience. Me. Me. Me.

confusionoftheillusion Mon 06-May-13 12:05:27

I genuinely posted to find out about how to get the book. You're right though - I should have just had an anonymous post about "a book".

I will try and download the other recommendations here. Thank you.

Why not try being honest with your husband?

It IS interesting that both your threads start by asking about 'good' people - the first, is the OM good, and now one about yourself.

You seem to have fixes ideas about 'good/bad people' - religious upbringing maybe? And I can hear how upsetting you find it to be lumped with the 'bad people' because you genuinely feel you and the OM are not.

I do think in a few years time when you look back at this period in your life you will see that you have been behaving with cowardice. you will wonder why you why you went to such lengths to justify an affair with a mm, yet would not leave your own partner free to find someone who loves him.

noddyholder Mon 06-May-13 12:09:17

I don't think good people have affairs What a terrible excusing title! Good people leave one partner before engaging with another

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 06-May-13 12:11:44

Good luck, Confusion.

Hopefully, in the coming weeks, you can start to rebuild everything.

(I'm leaving comments about DH and deserving to know out, as, like KillerRobot said, it's your decision. He might want to know, he might not. You've decided not to tell him anyway, so work on fixing it, instead.)

Every thread on here when a woman posts re DH affair all agree that in order to successfully rebuild a relationship, full disclosure from the guilty partner is paramount.
Why is that different in THIS case?

Ilikethebreeze Mon 06-May-13 12:15:50

You have done bad behaviour
Your OM has done bad behaviour.

No idea about the book.

You know deep down that your behaviour was bad.
No matter what anyone else tells you.
You know.

Hope your behaviour improves from now on.

AuntieStella Mon 06-May-13 13:22:04

Have you actually finished unambiguously with OM, then?

For the affair was still ongoing on the other thread.

Have you actually made a choice and what is it?

As of 4 May she was still seeing OM
Pathetic.

expatinscotland Mon 06-May-13 13:35:35

What Katie said. Such double standards on here.

Sunshineandflowers Mon 06-May-13 13:52:17

Can't you go into Waterstones and order it? Or order it online to pick up from there?

It's a good book but you might not like what it tells you. Despite it's title it's very hard hitting and gets you to examine everything about yourself.

She needs that book about as much as she needs the enablers on here.

Pomegranatenoir Mon 06-May-13 14:07:30

She needs to tell her husband the truth and stop being such a coward. He deserves to know what type of person he married so he is able to make informed decisions. No sympathy whatsoever with OP and she should have known better than posting such self sympathising drivel.

And yes I am talking from experience. Bitter experience of being the loving wife that was kept in the dark about my cheating husbands lies. And yes my marriage was a happy one till the day I found out about the cheating. My children's lives have never been the same and they have suffered massively so cheating ex can have his thrills. Life moves on and things evolve but nothing can ever describe the pain of having your life and future ripped to shreds.

confusionoftheillusion Mon 06-May-13 17:30:00

sunshine - the problem is I can't have a hard copy of the book.

I expect it to be hard hitting - I'm ok with that as hard hitting is probably what I need but which will also get me to a better place for the future.

I told OM yesterday I couldn't see him anymore. Hence today starting to do all the things I think I need to do. One of which is examining what in me made me do something I know to be totally wrong.

The point about being "good" that someone made i guess comes from the fact I always thought cheats to be horrible people with no morals who were totally selfish. I know I'm not that person so doing something so wrong has totally challenged my beliefs about who I am and who OM is. That is why I am trying to work on myself to figure out why so I can make sure it never happens again.

expatinscotland Mon 06-May-13 17:32:14

But you're still not telling your spouse. Nice.

"I know I am not that person"
shock

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