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Is this acceptable behaviour or am i just not cool enough:(

(111 Posts)
Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 07:47:16

My partner of four years and i have been happy for most of that time. He's the love of my life and ive worked at things with him more than i did in my previous relationship. We have had a difficult time this last twelve months unemployment financial difficulties few opportunities or funds for social life and very little family support from either side.
I am a person who likes to sort things out talk so as to make things better he is a person who needs space and distance in which to sort things out. Its hard to adapt to but i try. Not always easy though.
Trouble is over the last 9 months he has left the house a few times its always been his way but hes used to come back after visiting his brother or walking around for a while. Now he goes to his ex partners house to see his son. I have no problem with that he loves his son i would never stand in the way of his relationship with him.
However his ex partner who goes through phases of letting her son stay at our house or saying my partner must see his son at her house so i understand why he goes there.
Would anyone else be happy though if their partner stayed overnight (in their sons double bed) and occassionally had drinks with their ex partner while there?
I trust he hasnt cheated but its the intimacy of the drinking laughing the communication they will have. Its very obvious to me he respects her alot, he makes effort to be chatty and upbeat,I sound like im so insecure but they have a history a son, and not long after our first year together he text her and asked if there was a chance for them. He told me i told him he owes it to himself to try if he feels theres unfinished business. I want him to be happy im not so selfish that id want him to be with me if he wasnt happy. She didnt give him an answer just demanded he grew a pair and did right by her and her son No i love you, please come home nothing. This went on for months but he stayed with me. Then one day she asked him he said no he loved me. I truely believe he does love me. He doesnt really have many other places to go nor do i.
Ive asked that when he goes to her house that once his son is asleep he comes home to me as once hes asleep why would he want to be there ?
He agrees for a while then starts to stay over again.his ex has told me she doesnt love him but loves him as her sons dad and has admitted she likes the company now and again. He went friday after a row( it was me who was at fault ) but none the less i appologised it was sincere. Hes still there. Has been since friday afternoon. Hardly any communication. He's done it so many times this last few months even rings her and holds up the phone when we have disagreements. Its not that hes there so much as the no communication from him when he knows how upset it makes me. When he doesnt communicate i have to admit it infuriates me and although i dont show that in my communications to him i do text him quite a lot purely to evoke a response and only when hes there for nights at a time.
He says im paranoid but he does continuously go there and i am ignored when that happens. He says i need to cool about it. Im too controlling.?. I dont think that. i think she is the controlling one making him have to see his son at her house. Also i wouldnt sleep over or have drinks with my ex A because i wouldnt to but mainly out of respect for my partner and his feelings. Am i wrong in my opinion should i chill out? Please advise thanks. I havent posted anything like this before im Not even sure i should have feel a bit niave but want to respect his needs and those of his son, want to show trust in these actions but not be taken for a fool if you get my drift. Thanks everyone.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 11:30:22

No, love

it's him you can't trust

she is incidental...just like you are I am afraid

Shinigami Mon 06-May-13 12:09:20

He's probably feeding her a load of bullshit stories as well tbh.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 06-May-13 12:14:47

I am sorry but he has already left the building emotionally and physically.

Redundancy after a marriage break-up was bad enough and now you are grieving for your dad. An 'adventurous' partner who is a serial cheat has gone AWOL over the bank holiday. Your 'problem' for him is you have rl worries, concerns, responsibilities, it's lack of fun not lack of coolness that panics or bores him. He hasn't lost respect for you or anyone it's an alien concept to him!

I think the mystery is why otherwise capable, strong women let this 'child-like' (code for self-centred, impulse-led, live-for-the-moment?) man in and out of their lives. She may be wise to his failings but their son is her achilles heel so for now she won't back you up publically or to his face. In any case, I wouldn't trust him to tell you truthfully what she says.

Btw I think it's no coincidence that after 4 years, DS is out of nappies and beyond teething and sleepless nights, who gives back as much "fun" as he takes and probably adores seeing your boyfriend more than ever.

While it lasted you may have had some good times together but do yourself a favour, pack this guy's bags and make sure you wave goodbye for good. Otherwise he will happily boomerang between you and his not-so-ex for as long as you allow him.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Mon 06-May-13 12:18:50

You are focussing too much on her actions and motivations and not enough on his.

He holds the phone up for her to hear your arguments! shock

Hissy Mon 06-May-13 12:19:34

Why would you ever think you could trust her? What does she owe you?

You had an affair with her Husband! She would love to see you dumped somehow.

So he told you he was going to text her? Or did he tell you he HAD textED her? it's a test to see how much of a doormat you were tbh.

Get away with that and he's got you by the short and curleys tbh.

Cool girlfriend my arse. How many decent men would accept their GF texting their Ex after a year to see if there's a chance? It's about the biggest insult any relationship could have.

Pack his bags and drop them to the ExW. Return to Sender and all that.

Then stay with this prize catch. Watch in wonder while your self esteem nosedives further, your doubts and suspicions eating you up. Stay and enjoy the status of Ms Third Best while they point and laugh at you.
Sounds grrrreat, no?

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 12:24:08

So now i find hes been home while i was out yesterday, took his walking boots and some other stuff. Didnt let on ive been inconsolable since he left he knows it. The walking boots are kind of significant as on thursday we had a lovely adventure we were supposed to repeat it on saturday and sunday. He trxt me at 12.50am on saturday morning saying stop worrying il see you soon. I thought soon meant yesterdayni got my hopes up asked him if hed come on a walk with me the forecast is good. He couldnt even remeber sending the text probably drunk with her. Then today i realise hes been back and taken his walking boots so guess hes not coming with me.sad films too from the laptop and software for his sons playbook. Didnt even wonder how i was. Im rock bottom today. My kids went to their dads at 10 apart from teatime visits i wont see them til thursday. Im trying tonpottor around. I cant even do that let alone pack his stuff. 37 and still a muppet it seems. Thankyiu all so much im worried im getting too depressing posting now. It helps but il leave it for a bit and read of others. Xx

Xales Mon 06-May-13 12:27:50

He's a cheat.

He cheated with her. She should have realised but we all think that we are different we are 'the one'.

He cheated on her with you. Even if you didn't know at the time. She would have and so yeah she probably loves having him stay over because you hate it. Tough shit you in her eyes cheated with her then partner. So what does she think she owes you?

You should realise but just like his ex you think you are different you think you are the one.

Seeing any coincidences yet?

He will if he hasn't already cheat on you. You will be dumped when he is ready.

Get out now and it will hurt like fuck. Howver you will start the road to recovery now not in 6 months/a year after he has treated you shabbily and made you feel crap for all that time.

What are you going to do Purple?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 06-May-13 12:33:46

37 you are in your prime of life - he is the muppet so if your children are at their dad's don't sit pining for this giddy twunt, get outdoors and walk him out of your system.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 12:35:12

Just to clarify he wasnt her husband, i didnt know they were still trying when i met him.she thinks we started seeing eachother 4 months after we did. Sorry just wanted to clear that up not justisfying my actions though.

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 12:38:02

Why do you think she lets him stay? Please be honest

Because they are still having a relationship.

Of course they are sleeping together!

He uses seeing his son as an excuse to be there to you, I wonder what lies he tells her to explain being with you?

He cheated on her with you, their relationship continues.

Just end it, there is no happy ending in this for you.

It sounds like you are trying to be 'cool' because he paints her as some kind of harridan, 'talking down to him' etc. so then that ensures you wont do the same because you are desperate to be the opposite.

Don't expect truth or decency from either of them, he is a lying cheat, she doesn't think you deserve any consideration because you are the other woman.

He has a child with her so will always have to see her, this will continue for as long as you let it.

Oh purple he's a fucking bastard! He's still not come home after leaving you since Friday??!! Oh, except to get his boots to take her on the trip you were supposed to be going on.

Seriously, you can do miles better,one day, you will look back on this idiot and shake your head.

You're not a mug, but you are being taken in, send him a text saying.... 'See you got your boots, you're going to fucking need them son, pick the rest of your shit up ASAP.'

He is a grade A arsehole. Fact.

You can do so much better than this.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 12:56:25

Wow!! You are all very strong woman me too its lots of ways but not at the min. So much has happened. Im really tired so im pottering around making the house nice. After which il pamper myself relax and have some me time. Its a constant battle to look less than 90 these days im outting it down to stress! Lol then after sleep i will begin getting it all together book a removal van and get it delivered i couldnt stand to take it there. Of course thats my plan but then im not great at flip flopping from one emotion to another at the mo. im usually quite well balanced not with though i feel sick to my stomach stupid i know.if i get over losing my amazing loving proud loyal hero of a dad i get over this i know that. Id just rarher not have to. Im so soft. Love deep hurt deep. If i get angry i feel sorrow and remorse immediately afterwards. Then the tears flow. Its like grief happens in waves. My facevliterakly lights up when he texts. Jesus where do you peeps live come round and bring me a backbone lol. So yeah tidy up and then bath step at a time but i'l sort it dont want my kids seeingbme like this this wont be acceptable for them so why am i making it acceptable for me.? Wow i feel empowered,,smile)) xxxx

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 12:59:10

You can do this.

I will be worth it.

Shinigami Mon 06-May-13 13:00:53

37 is still a baby spring chicken! You've got your whole life ahead of you and better yet without that cheating waste of organs.
Shove all his stuff in binbags while he's out and leave them in the garden.

I'm in Norfolk purple got backbone in spades (and gin!) smile

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 13:10:45

Librrtine lover that made me laugh outloud!! I text him about the boots being gone he reckons im a weirdo cos he hasnt got them lol oh well something else for them to be laughing about! God knows where they are though. I trxt back oh well bang goes civility from you you for another day! Have a gooden lol i know im rubbish. Im not moving far today but tomorrow im up bright and early going to look for another house to rent this one is far too expensive, then job centre thats a daily thing. Do you think me hoping he will come to talk before it ends is stupid? Do men do that? Or is it normally a text or completly ignore kind of thing? Il be packing it all tomorrow either way have it dropped off. Might need you lot to moan to. Hope that ok? :/ xxxx

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 13:12:56

Librrtine lover that made me laugh outloud!! I text him about the boots being gone he reckons im a weirdo cos he hasnt got them lol oh well something else for them to be laughing about! God knows where they are though. I trxt back oh well bang goes civility from you you for another day! Have a gooden lol i know im rubbish. Im not moving far today but tomorrow im up bright and early going to look for another house to rent this one is far too expensive, then job centre thats a daily thing. Do you think me hoping he will come to talk before it ends is stupid? Do men do that? Or is it normally a text or completly ignore kind of thing? Il be packing it all tomorrow either way have it dropped off. Might need you lot to moan to. Hope that ok? :/ xxxx

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 13:16:24

Yeah, screw the removal van, bag it all up, text him that he needs to come and collect his stuff from your front lawn...

Sod delivering it to him!

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 13:16:43

Librrtine lover that made me laugh outloud!! I text him about the boots being gone he reckons im a weirdo cos he hasnt got them lol oh well something else for them to be laughing about! God knows where they are though. I trxt back oh well bang goes civility from you you for another day! Have a gooden lol i know im rubbish. Im not moving far today but tomorrow im up bright and early going to look for another house to rent this one is far too expensive, then job centre thats a daily thing. Do you think me hoping he will come to talk before it ends is stupid? Do men do that? Or is it normally a text or completly ignore kind of thing? Il be packing it all tomorrow either way have it dropped off. Might need you lot to moan to. Hope that ok? :/ xxxx

AmberLeaf Mon 06-May-13 13:18:06

Don't waste your time talking Purple.

It will only give him the opportunity to weedle his way round you again.

What can he say?
He'll slink off like the reptile he so patently is. In his walking boots wink

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 13:23:39

I feel terrible about posting all this, but its helping and youve all been really great with advise and points of view some of its hard to read but i know its right. Im going off now for a while il pop on later. Thankyou to you all again i feel better and when im typing this im not texting him i do that overcompensating for his arrogance and lack of feed back lol bye for now.

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