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Is this acceptable behaviour or am i just not cool enough:(

(111 Posts)
Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 07:47:16

My partner of four years and i have been happy for most of that time. He's the love of my life and ive worked at things with him more than i did in my previous relationship. We have had a difficult time this last twelve months unemployment financial difficulties few opportunities or funds for social life and very little family support from either side.
I am a person who likes to sort things out talk so as to make things better he is a person who needs space and distance in which to sort things out. Its hard to adapt to but i try. Not always easy though.
Trouble is over the last 9 months he has left the house a few times its always been his way but hes used to come back after visiting his brother or walking around for a while. Now he goes to his ex partners house to see his son. I have no problem with that he loves his son i would never stand in the way of his relationship with him.
However his ex partner who goes through phases of letting her son stay at our house or saying my partner must see his son at her house so i understand why he goes there.
Would anyone else be happy though if their partner stayed overnight (in their sons double bed) and occassionally had drinks with their ex partner while there?
I trust he hasnt cheated but its the intimacy of the drinking laughing the communication they will have. Its very obvious to me he respects her alot, he makes effort to be chatty and upbeat,I sound like im so insecure but they have a history a son, and not long after our first year together he text her and asked if there was a chance for them. He told me i told him he owes it to himself to try if he feels theres unfinished business. I want him to be happy im not so selfish that id want him to be with me if he wasnt happy. She didnt give him an answer just demanded he grew a pair and did right by her and her son No i love you, please come home nothing. This went on for months but he stayed with me. Then one day she asked him he said no he loved me. I truely believe he does love me. He doesnt really have many other places to go nor do i.
Ive asked that when he goes to her house that once his son is asleep he comes home to me as once hes asleep why would he want to be there ?
He agrees for a while then starts to stay over again.his ex has told me she doesnt love him but loves him as her sons dad and has admitted she likes the company now and again. He went friday after a row( it was me who was at fault ) but none the less i appologised it was sincere. Hes still there. Has been since friday afternoon. Hardly any communication. He's done it so many times this last few months even rings her and holds up the phone when we have disagreements. Its not that hes there so much as the no communication from him when he knows how upset it makes me. When he doesnt communicate i have to admit it infuriates me and although i dont show that in my communications to him i do text him quite a lot purely to evoke a response and only when hes there for nights at a time.
He says im paranoid but he does continuously go there and i am ignored when that happens. He says i need to cool about it. Im too controlling.?. I dont think that. i think she is the controlling one making him have to see his son at her house. Also i wouldnt sleep over or have drinks with my ex A because i wouldnt to but mainly out of respect for my partner and his feelings. Am i wrong in my opinion should i chill out? Please advise thanks. I havent posted anything like this before im Not even sure i should have feel a bit niave but want to respect his needs and those of his son, want to show trust in these actions but not be taken for a fool if you get my drift. Thanks everyone.

wordyBird Mon 06-May-13 08:45:37

Yes, holding the phone up during disagreements is appalling behaviour.

He's casually hurting two women at once with his actions, one of which is you, purple. He's also confusing his son that he says he loves. The previous relationship didn't last long after he was born.

I think the ex's comment tells you a lot about him:

She didnt give him an answer just demanded he grew a pair and did right by her and her son. ..she might not be an awkward woman who didn't let him see his son before. She might have had good reason. sad

Poohbearandpiglet Mon 06-May-13 08:45:58

Oh god..sorry OP, pretty crappy bank hol weekend for you sad Hope you get the strength to move on from him move on with you life, because tbh even if he by some miracle drastically changes and never acts in that way again, as previous posters have said, he has proved that fundamentally he doesn't respect you or your relationship. Not acceptable. Not at all.
x

He's the love of your life. You're not the love of his.

I am so so sorry he's treating you like this.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:48:38

Im going thriugh it because it was amazing and still this issue aside is rewarding for us both. Our problems are purely circumstantial ive been unable to get a job for the last 16 months and i try extremely hard. We live in a smsll town and i need full time its a battle everyone going for tye same good jobs. :/ my fathervdied suddenly in february too. It tipped my world upside down. I cant face the thought of losing the two men i love most in the world in such a short space of time. I really dont wantvto give up he is a good man. Has manybfaults but ive been a challenge too. I wint try indefinately though i cant. Im looking for a different house to rent mine is too expensive ive got debts that the cab are helping me manage 2 children a gay ex husband i had no idea, lol now i feel stupid. Not been what id hoped for but thos relationship has been worth the effort its only now im starting to know i cant keep going thriugh it. Everything at once just got a bit much. I want to sort it but if thrres no communication from him today il communicate with him if no joy il take his things to her house if sge wants him she can have all his stuff too. :/ il be back thanks

wordyBird Mon 06-May-13 08:49:22

X-posted. Good luck purple...so sorry about what's going on and everything you've had to deal with lately. brew

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 08:51:31

Thanks. All this is really helping. Ive got to nip out but il be back soon. Thanks agsin

sleeton Mon 06-May-13 08:53:09

I really dont wantvto give up he is a good man.

Good men don't harm people, erode them, do spiteful things. Good men don't kick you when you are down. Good men certainly don't do all this weeks after the woman who loves them has lost her father!!!

I am so sorry you are going through all this, but you will not get any stronger until you walk away from this relationship.

Thinking of you.

Patosshades Mon 06-May-13 09:40:18

A c'mon he's not a good man though is he really? You can't live your life on the scraps he throws you, you're better than that no? What happens if ex clicks her fingers tomorrow and want's him back?

BLOO3Z Mon 06-May-13 10:10:06

Best of luck purple I will come back later to see how your day has gone, you may think he amazing but I really don't think he is respecting you and your feelings, I very much doubt that hes not sleeping with her whilst he staying over, he sounds like he far to cosy over there, he reminds me of a cat, he is behaving like one. You deserve better.

You know he is over there right now bitching about you, don't you?
Those two are a mean little gang and you are the object of their derision.
He has no respect for you at all.
You are not even second best to this arse, you are probably not even third. You are the staging post while he convinces his ex to take him back.
Don't be a doormat all your life, actions speak louder than words, kick him out today.

Rindercella Mon 06-May-13 10:20:38

I am really sorry you lost your dad purple, that's incredibly tough for you. Are you getting any help with that? You might want to speak to Cruse as they offer some amazing support for those who have suffered a bereavement.

Right, I am going to be tough now smile I lost the two men I loved the most. Just after my husband was diagnosed with cancer, my father died. DH died 9 months after that. Both lost forever, and I had 2 young children with DH.

You know what, somehow you cope. And my DH, while not perfect, was an amazing man and a brilliant partner. Your partner doesn't sound like he is either of these things, certainly his words and actions to you demonstrate he's neither.

DH had an ex wife, and a son. He would never, ever have pitted his ex and I against each other. He never, ever would have held up a phone so that she could hear our arguments. And bloody hell, there was not a cat's chance in hell that he would have chosen to stay with her for days on end!! shock He was a good man. Good men just do not do any of that.

I suspect you are feeling very vulnerable at the moment purple. This man is not helping you with that; instead he is making you more vulnerable. Seek help and get rid of the dead wood in your life. Good luck. x

hoplittlebunnyhophophop Mon 06-May-13 10:22:09

What!? I feel angry on your behalf OP. He is making a prize mug of you and has been since he openly begged his ex to resume her relationship with him whilst in a year long relationship with you. Please don't continue to allow him to treat you like this. I can't see that any amount of talking will fix this. He already knows how much his behaviour upsets you and doesn't care. Tell this arse to sling it.

Hissy Mon 06-May-13 10:33:30

He texted her, a little over a YEAR after you had been together to ask if there was a chance of getting back together?

WTAF woman? That is a sackable offence right there and then!

I just ended it with a guy who said to me that he didn't see much of a future with me after a year of being together. Otherwise our relationship is fine. But i can't be with someone who isn't there.

For a man to text asking for another chance after a year FFS - why did you not bin him there and then?

I'm aware this will come over harsh, but I'm not angry AT you, it's FOR you.

It sounds like you thought that if you just tried harder, if you invested more and more and more, that eventually he would fall in love with you.

I don't think he did. But that is by the by.

He is choosing to spend time with, collaborate and conflab with his ex over you.

He is treating you as second best and you deserve better than this.

Deep breath and tell him that it's run its course.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 10:40:42

FGS, don't try and turn yourself into a "cool" girlfriend.

They get shit on from very great heights.

scarletforya Mon 06-May-13 10:52:16

I trust he hasnt cheated

Why?

If it walks like a duck.....

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 10:52:52

Why do you think she lets him stay? Please be honest. They both say independantly its for their son. He is her only son. My partners family invite for xmas dinner and to birthdays. Not him because of me. Im still treated like the other woman 4 years on. He had an affair with her behind his first partners back. Then with me behind hers although i dodntbknow i have to stress that. So thats another reason i question it all. If she wanted him having not moved on yet would she keep anything that happened between tyem a secret? I say yes. But then he says if he wanted to be back with her he would have gone along time ago? Theres a reason they went wrong it would again. She told me herself that she wouldnt live with anyone again but if they were special she might make an exception. She treats him like a child. Shouts him downstairs like a strict mother might he immediately responds once i went over to her house as she rang me to come and pick him up she bellowed at him telling him to sit he did it! He'd tell me to f off if i did that but i wouldnt i treat him with respect but i end up having little respect? Pppfft i dont understsnd men lol. Then again my considerate ex husband turned out to be gay. Im not homophobic but its a little strange when its your ex husband and father of your children. My current partner is intelligent out spoken animated funny and loving alot of tye time. Hes adventurous. Childlike in both a good and at times a negative way. He likes his time hes not very chatty some days others he doesnt shut up!lol we laugh go fell walking learn and read. Completely the opposite of my ex husband. He wouldnt fight for his beliefs or back me up but was considerate caring and we never argued. My current partner has his way of dealing with disagreements time out. My lets fix it by talking about it is his biggest bug bare. Im rambling now sorry. Could somone address the first few points about his exes perspective please.? Is she still in love with him? Wouldnt they have got on with it by now if that were the case? Or am i just being niave and trusting again? God i sound pathetic im not that strong at the mo and am short of a support network as i dont trust many people around me. Forums are great im amazed by tyecresponse and helpful advice here thanks. Sorry i havent grasped the abrieviations as yet. X

Dog in the manger OP. I think you are giving too much credence to what they say as opposed to what they do.

Regardless, he has shown you he wants her back. Why are you settling for this? Is his cock made of gold?

Hissy Mon 06-May-13 11:01:34

So he cheated on her twice that you know of.

He left her for you and then a year later texted to see if she would take him back.

No wonder the Do right by me and my son reply. That makes sense now.

She lets him stay, and he holds up the phone to her when you argue.

I tell you why she lets him stay, because she knows it'll get at you, revenge possibly.

He clearly has self esteem issues, to cheat and to be so dismissive of those that care for you only stem from not caring enough about yourself to prize those that do.

He doesn't deserve you. He knows it too. he is a low down cheat.

when you have an affair with someone elses H, there is always a risk that they will betray you too. This is kind of what he's doing now.

I hate OW, but I think given your past relationships, you were vulnerable and not really ready for a full on, full time relationship, so an emotionally and physically unavailable man followed on from your ExH, and you didn't have the strength to hold out for better.

End this relationship, get some counselling to deal with the terrible blows to the esteem and confidence you have taken and use the next year to rebuild yourself and heal the hurt you have suffered.

Hissy Mon 06-May-13 11:03:10

sorry, he cheated twice, once with her. Same shit tbh.. he is a cheat.

TheConstantLurker Mon 06-May-13 11:04:43

Could you talk to her and form a team to cope with this differently? If she really is totally finished with any kind of relationship with him beyond their son then she should be able to help you and be much firmer in her boundaries with him. She should immediately put the phone down when he calls during your arguments and tell both of that, that is what she does. She should insist he leaves her house after their on is asleep. Etc.

TheConstantLurker Mon 06-May-13 11:06:05

But yeah get rid.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 11:13:42

Re not sacking him there and then when he told me he text her after our first year. I admired his honesty, i wanted him to be happy (id rather he was with me) but they have a child. My family unit broke down for other reasons. Its horrible for all concerned. Plus if he wanted to be with her as was then i knew i deserved better after one year i was head over heals but im not a home wrecker. We continued to be happy laugh explore this mad world. We were invincible i was sure of that then. He was happy only when things got stressed us being in the house most of the time after both losing our jobs within a few months of eachother. Not having much of a social life through lack of funds and very little family support from either side. Only then did he start to back away. I lost my marital home as i lost my job and couldnt keep thr morgage going. Even the fact that i shared custody of my children straight down the middle with their dad ( which i did to be fair to my girls who love their dad as he does them) its hard for me though extremely but in their best interests i thought it was the best way we could both be with them without actually being together. then my childrens father told me about his sexuality. I think these things affected my current partners respect for me but i dont see that i failed i did and still do my best it was circumstantial.things took a down turn then he started to think about what hed given up for me i think. Oh god what a fool ive been. :-( ps could someone tell me how to erase these posts when we are done :/? X

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 11:17:44

he is a serial cheater ?

Why did you think you would change him ?

You have fallen for the oldest flannel in the book, OP, and are still continuing to do so

Love, you are a good, kind, decent person who puts others first. That is fine when the others feel the same way or are children. He doesn't and is not your child.
You can report your thread and ask for it to be deleted whenever you like.

Purplepeach Mon 06-May-13 11:26:46

I went to her once she was fairly decent told me a thing or two about hos character but also bragged about their relationship and how they get on better now than before in some ways. Ie henlistens to her demands i think. He went mad that i had discussed him with her. Tbh i didnt know where else to go she knows him well. His own family mum etc dont really bother with me atleast. After id left her house and she had spoken to my partner after being fine with me she apparently told him it was a weird thing for me to do. I knew it was strange insensitive even but she is quite straight forward i thought knows him and considering who i am to her fairly decent to my face atleast. He told me things that id apparently said to her about him twisted most of it. Madevout id said negative stuff when actually it was her. Knew then i coukdnt trust her. God im so niave. Whoever said cool girlsfriends get shat on from great heights?? Nail on head all i ever did was show him love not boss him he see's as me smothering him i dont. Im not insecure about anythingbelse or anyone. I feel im within my rights to have issues about this i dont know a single person who would be ok with it. Looks like from your resposes i was right. You think its unfair even cruel too.

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