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Could you please slap me, or at best throw harsh words my way?

(46 Posts)
whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 22:46:15

So... recently split with DP of four years. It was a blah relationship, long-distance, very little time spent together and no love. I'm moving on, I have a couple of profiles on dating sites because I have no idea how normal people meet each other and I don't trust easily- I prefer to get to know people anonymously before actually meeting, so it works.

I met someone. I like him. Seemingly he likes me. I met him IRL last Sunday, we spent hours together talking. He was nervous, I was nervous. We met again Wednesday, he drove to a pub near me and met me after work. All good thus far, yes? Lots on common, good kisser.... yup.

He texted me every day since Sunday, we've had long conversations, talked about a future, made plans. But now I haven't heard from him since Thursday. I've text twice, I've messaged on the site we met. Nothing. I'm kicking myself, I'm wondering what I've done wrong, how I could have been better. Urgh.

Either he's off, not keen. Or is keen but not able to answer. I can't get it out of my head that I've buggered it up somehow, been too keen, not keen enough, or he's realised what he's gotten into- I'm obese, I'm no catch. Urgh urgh.

Someone tell me to bloody stop. Either he's not worth it or I'm being an idiot. Probably both.

Urgh. I liked this one more in two weeks of chatting and meeting than the previous DP in four years.

Urgh.

Hassled Sun 05-May-13 22:51:42

Talking about a future after 2 weeks does sound maybe a tad over-keen. Were you both doing that sort of talking?

Worst case scenario is that he's done a runner because he's been frightened off or met someone else or is married or is just plain not that into you. It happens - not your fault, not his fault. It's just what happens. And if worst case scenario is true - isn't it better it ends now?

If you can meet one nice guy then you can meet more, I'm sure.

sarahseashell Sun 05-May-13 22:51:51

STOP!!! just delete his number and leave it. Don't take it personally. You only had one date right?

Don't use it as an excuse to beat yourself up - maybe build up your self esteem a bit before dating more? and don't rule out meeting people in RL

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 22:57:04

Two dates, one in central London (neutral location, public!) from 1pm-10pm just talking. Second at my local.

Future talk was only about date three specifically, going out Sunday next to the cinema and a walk. Everything else just random.

RL too difficult to meet people. I work 60 hours, alone, and don't do much else.

Oh well. I still have my profiles up, I assumed nothing would work out so left it up! I'm getting on, would love a family at some point, so still looking.

Grr.

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 22:58:58

Oh I should say.... the future thing, only in general terms, but as a 'together', stuck in my mind only because ex-DP and I have never talked the future. Four years and he always assumed I would move to his country, never get married and never want kids. So even a snippet of possibility stuck in my mind!

bunsmum Sun 05-May-13 22:59:21

Did you sleep with him?

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 23:00:31

Noooooooooooo! Only ever met in public. He was quite the gentleman, seemingly..... had a bit of a snog, that's all!

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 23:01:24

You care too much, too soon. CHILL.... You are interviewing for the best job in the world, to be LOVED by YOU!

If he doesn't call you, then HE'S the loser. He's not the one for you.

Keep going, you'll find someone great!

TheSecondComing Sun 05-May-13 23:02:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bunsmum Sun 05-May-13 23:04:33

Normally if he was going to bail out on the situation I'd expect him to at least wait around to have sex which he hasn't done... He has gone from intense contact to none at all in a short space of time which is weird. I definitely think it points to other issues in his life (ex/girlfriends, wife etc.) did he say he was still dating other people on the site? My friend has had similar experiences with online dating - especially my single friend...

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 23:05:05

thanks Hissy

TBH, I've never even cared for anyone before. Never been in love. I think I'm worrying more about what he thinks of me rather than what I think of him!

I'm wondering if he even got the messages. I don't want to badmouth him then find out he lost his phone.... I know he's away this weekend but it's for a hobby, in the UK, no reason not to have reception or time.

Hmm.

Secretservice Sun 05-May-13 23:05:36

It's definitely not you! There was probably nothing you could, or should have done differently.

You should come over to the dating thread, and hear all our tales of the amazing disappearing men! I was caught out by one a few weeks back, like you we spend weeks messaging before we could sort out a date to meet up. First date was great, chatted for hours, loads of texting before second date which was even better than the first. Then nothing. Complete silence.

The worst thing is not knowing why, but you have to just chalk it up to experience and really believe it's not you, cos if it was you, then it could've been me, too. And thay's just not possible because I'm awesome and so are you grin. And I know that cos the dating threaders told me so. Come and join us!

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 23:09:17

Yes yes to the sex thing- I've had first dates before where the pressure was on to sleep with them and when I made it clear that wasn't an option so early I never heard from them again. But this one didn't push it, never even brought it up except as a joke. And it was my local, he had ample opportunity to suggest going to mine and he never brought it up. Odd.

I think you're right bunsmum, bet he kept the account open and met someone else. Fair enough, I don't own him, would just be good to know because I've turned down a couple of people online saying I was trying it with this guy and was seeing how it went!

I know he's back home tomorrow from hobby weekend, so if it is a phone/web issue it'll come out won't it.

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 23:10:46

Oh secretservice your experience is exactly like mine! I'm loathe to jump into an open thread but I'll take a look. I don't always fit in here as I don't have kids, nor does it look that likely!

Lweji Sun 05-May-13 23:15:42

Even if he hasn't got the messages, he could have sent something himself.
He could have had a disaster (I once did on holiday, but not for 3 days) but you shouldn't get this worked up after two dates.
Leave it open. If he ever gets back, see if it makes sense and you are up to it or not. If he doesn't, move on.
Don't despair of dating. smile

TheSecondComing Sun 05-May-13 23:15:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 23:16:18

What does it matter what others think of you? that way madness lies.

(I'm also internet dating again after my 1year relationship tanked last week) I too have to remind myself of this when I think He won't be interested in me cos I'm not a size 10, over and over and over again.

I met someone great, went out for a year, but we both had bad backgrounds and needed to be together to learn. We've learnt, now it's time to move on. Very sad, cos he thinks I'm wonderful, and I think he is too, but it won't work.

So when I get in that self destructive trap, I have to talk to myself and tell myself to STFU.

We will meet who we are supposed to meet.

Don't chase affection. it has to be given to be worth something.

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 23:16:41

I suppose I had better check into the dating thread too then.... hmm

grin

Secretservice Sun 05-May-13 23:17:04

I'm in London, too. Wonder if it was the same twunt?

We're a very mixed bunch - there's even blokes! - and you won't be the only without kids. And very welcoming, whether you just dip in and out, or are there all day every day grin

There's nowhere better for support and advice on dating of all kinds. And bragging of successes - which there will be - is equally expected.

Secretservice Sun 05-May-13 23:18:53

And yes Hissy definitely!

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 23:20:08

Oh God secretservice what if it was the same one? Unusual name, in a caring profession?

Secretservice Sun 05-May-13 23:30:17

Well, he had an unusual name, but as far away from caring as you can get - finance grin. Which is a shame really as it would be nice to think all the disappearers are just one man!

whywhywhywhywhywhy Sun 05-May-13 23:34:51

Now I'm not sure if it's good that it's someone different, or not. Would be easier to move on but dammit now I have hope that it's a phone issue and not him buggering off! Would of course be good if all the twunts were one bloke, we could nab him in a sting operation and cage talk some sense into him.

Secretservice Sun 05-May-13 23:41:23

Can you tell from the site you're on if he has been online since Thursday?

EllaFitzgerald Sun 05-May-13 23:59:26

OP - You're obviously a catch because if he didn't fancy you, he wouldn't have arranged a second date with you.

Who knows why these people do their disappearing acts just when everything seems to be going really well, but whatever his reasons, they're going to be about him, not you. Keep your profile up and, whatever you do, don't contact him again. OD can, and does, work but sometimes you have to work your way through a few idiots first.

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