Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
P being unfaithful(153 Posts)
Have NC'd as my usual moniker is very telling.
Backstory: I moved in with MIL and FIL because of DP's work. We moved when DS was 2 months old. My family are nowhere near, not many friends even after 18 months of being here. Also a language barrier as most people here speak [as a primary] a language I don't know, but am learning. They're happy with English, but it's still awkward. I had PND badly, really suffered with it but am out of the woods now.
In the past I have found sexually explicit texts/e-mails/Facebook messages from DP to a man, who is a friend from school days. I was understandably distraught, but was assured it wouldn't happen again and that he was just trying to deal with the strain of being a new parent and being in a new job and having to deal with my PND. He also assured me that he was not gay, and that it was "all talk and no action" if you get my drift? He cut contact with this person voluntarily.
About 5 months after this happened, I accidentally saw a Facebook conversation with a girl, as our Google Chrome opens the last viewed page. In it, there were some fairly sexually explicit messages, mostly from her but some from him.
She also was incredibly cruel about me, claiming that I was using my PND as an excuse to laze about and that a year after the birth of my child is too long to be clinging to my excess weight. Although DP stood up for me in that instance, I couldn't ignore the messages. We began a trial separation and I eventually accepted him back after a fortnight of him trying his utmost to make things right between us.
Since then, we've been closer than ever, our DS has grown and I've never felt more happy. Our sexlife was back on track and it felt like a whole new relationship.
Fast forward another 7 months to today. He's been texting his very close friend [S] a lot, because she lives far away and so we only see her sporadically. They are very close, have been friends since they were little, and is considered an integral part of our friendship circle. They had a brief fling about 9 years ago, when they were in their teens, but nothing ever came of it and DP was upfront and honest about there being no feelings involved, and that it was just sex and "not very good sex at that" [his words].
His phone vibrates and because I'm closest, I check. It's from S and it is filthy. I go and check his previous contact with S only to find around a days worth of messages, but all the messages have turned deeply sexual.
DP - "You can tie me to your bed and do anything you like xxx"
DP - "TwoSugars is having a good week - we've had sex three times but I still want more can you come and finish me off"
DP - "Sat here wanking to porn while TwoSugars is asleep, wish you were here"
I've confronted him, and he has pulled his usual sadface and is there looking miserable. I have tried to keep my cool and have told him exactly how disappointed I am, that I thought we were OK and that I've never been so disgusted. Because she's such a close friend I now have to wonder what has been going on, whether this is new or whether it's been going on longer because he's known to delete messages from his phone as he likes "a tidy inbox".
For various reasons regarding money, my family, his family and commitments, I cannot just up and leave, either with DS or without him. I have no idea what I am meant to do about this. I'm so ashamed of myself. I thought we were OK.
I'm so sorry it's long, but I just didn't want to dripfeed. I mean it when I say that I cannot leave, even as a break. What do I do?
TwoSugars. I lost the thread and so glad I found it again. You've done so well. I was really worried about you and your situation. The refuge won't be forever. Your ex will need to start paying some maintenance. Have you gone to the CSA yet? Get those wheels in motion as they can take a while to sort things out. Stay strong. Life will be better. You might not have much but to me it would be worth its weight in gold not to be humiliated anymore by this man and to be able to sleep peacefully at night not worrying that he'd try and force me out of my DS's life. Well done. You're a strong person. Just remember your current situation is not forever.
have just caught up!
well done twosugars. i hope its going ok. welcome to freedom
I'm glad to hear you got away from that awful man and his family twosugars
well done and jolly good luck for your new life.
Well done TwoSugars, you go girl!
Its quite rare for a person to impress me with the speed of their actions.
Op you have. Well done xx
Just found this again - congratulations Two, welcome to the beginning of you and ds's new life - one where you are free to be happy, free to be you. Yes it's a bit scary all the unknown, but it WILL be worth it.
So pleased you've done this for both of you - can you imagine what kind of a distorted view of relationships ds would have had growing up in that kind of toxic atmosphere?
I disagree, twosugars, you probably are a get-up-&-go sort of person, but the toxic environment sapped it out of you for a while. Now you're back. It will probably fluctuate: some days may feel draining and tedious, but overall you'll get stronger and happier and healthier every day! And DC will flourish.
As to location, I'm adding my vote to 'away from abusers'; you've done too much for their convenience already. Closer to your mum good, at least for now while you 'find yourseld' (cliché, but it works), then go where you'll be Inspired.
I'll try to PM you with my number later (on phone now), but couldn't lurk no mo - had to say I think you're brilliant!
Well done two sugars! You will be fine on your own. You will have benefits which will cover the basics and hopefully it won't be too late to sort out a LHA house. I would also be very cautious about what happens with contact arrangements later on. He sounds like the type of man who would agree to weekends but then not give DC back. You sound far better off without!
Second day in refuge, and I've woken up raring to start making a new life. How bizarre! I'm not normally such a get-up-and-go person...
Amazingly well done! Stick with it, keep posting, you will need support, we here anytime!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Been following your thread.
Wishing you all the best for your future x
Nice one TwoSugars, just had to de-lurk to say that. You've been really strong doing this despite being (naturally) scared!
I'm fine, all.
I'm in refuge, halfway between mum and ex-p. Have settled in alright, tomorrow it's sorting out benefits. Thanks to all who supported me, PM me if you're willing to be an ear for me after this thread is over :-) can do with all the friends I can grab right now!
Ex-P has been told, and been told not to contact me. And he hasn't yet.
Thank you, everyone xxxxx
How are you today, TwoSugars?
I hope you've managed to make a few calls, and your mind has been set at rest a little.
For a start, money. You can claim income support and tax credits so you wont be penniless. Second, refuges are used to taking in women with far less than you have (think arriving battered in night clothes and nothing else) which is why they are always fund raising to buy clothes, toys and essentials. They will not see you short of anything. Third, and most important......
....by removing your son from an unhealthy and abusive environment (yes, the way they are trying to bully and manipulate is abusive) you have proven without a doubt that you are a good mother.
You have not been allowed to find your feet as other people have taken over but when it mattered, when the shit hit the fan and you had a choice between doing what was right and doing what was easy, you chose to do what was right even though it was the harder path.
You can do this, I know it and deep down so do you. A weak woman wouldnt have done what you did, she would have rolled over and given in to the bullying. You will cope and better than that, you will cope WELL.
You have done so well. I feel a sense of fierce pride in you that despite the shit, you have said "Fuck you" to your abusers and got yourself and your son free. Rejoice in your strength, you should be very very proud
TwoSugars, if you have never been able to make decisions before, you should be even more proud of how quickly you managed to extricate yourself from your partner's (and his family's) clutches.
You will without question be a better parent away from them than you would be around them, as they won't be around to make you doubt yourself.
I would suggest that you seek out some sort of counselling to work on your self-esteem.
That's why you don't even ask him to agree to anything. You wait until he takes you to court and you have a order saying he has to bring him back.
When you go into a refuge there will be a member of staff whose job it is to sort out benefit paperwork and info with you this includes...
The form for Housing benefit so they pay for the refuge
Helping you with making appointments to claim dwp benefits.
They will also obtain a food bank box for you.
But if you want you can make a claim yourself tomorrow this tells you how
First thing tomorrow morning phone child benefit the number is 0300 200 3100. Tell them you have moved explain you are staying with family untill a refuge space can be found.
Do you have your own bank account that only you can access? Make sure child benefit have those account details,if you don't have one already open one tomorrow.you will need one to receive payments.
If your ex claimed any tax credits for ds you need to tell them ds is no longer resident with him this needs doing tomorrow morning their number is 0345 300 3900
I'm so goddamn scared. Put DS to bed and he asked where Daddy was. I almost cried there and then. What if I can't handle being a single parent? What if I'm not strong enough? What if he finds me? What if he agrees to everything and then on his first visit takes DS?
I'm trying to get all of these thoughts out of my head, because I have such a long day ahead of me tomorrow. But I just can't.
Does anyone have experience of these situations?? I need to know what's going to happen to me and to DS when I go to a refuge. I have no money, I have no nappies. I have no food. I have almost nothing except for some clothes and books and a toy or two.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
You have shown today that you are a fit parent! The rest will take care of itself in the fullness of time. You will be fine - you have shown bravery to get to where you are now. Just speak to as many authorities as you can, take any help or advice offered, and you will be grand.
Every decision I've ever made hasn't actually been made by me. It's been made by everyone else. My mother, my boyfriends, my boyfriends mothers, my estranged father, my grandfather........
What if I'm not a fit parent?!
Join the discussion
Please login first.