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P being unfaithful

(153 Posts)
TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Sun 05-May-13 10:53:24

Have NC'd as my usual moniker is very telling.

Backstory: I moved in with MIL and FIL because of DP's work. We moved when DS was 2 months old. My family are nowhere near, not many friends even after 18 months of being here. Also a language barrier as most people here speak [as a primary] a language I don't know, but am learning. They're happy with English, but it's still awkward. I had PND badly, really suffered with it but am out of the woods now.

In the past I have found sexually explicit texts/e-mails/Facebook messages from DP to a man, who is a friend from school days. I was understandably distraught, but was assured it wouldn't happen again and that he was just trying to deal with the strain of being a new parent and being in a new job and having to deal with my PND. He also assured me that he was not gay, and that it was "all talk and no action" if you get my drift? He cut contact with this person voluntarily.

About 5 months after this happened, I accidentally saw a Facebook conversation with a girl, as our Google Chrome opens the last viewed page. In it, there were some fairly sexually explicit messages, mostly from her but some from him.

She also was incredibly cruel about me, claiming that I was using my PND as an excuse to laze about and that a year after the birth of my child is too long to be clinging to my excess weight. Although DP stood up for me in that instance, I couldn't ignore the messages. We began a trial separation and I eventually accepted him back after a fortnight of him trying his utmost to make things right between us.

Since then, we've been closer than ever, our DS has grown and I've never felt more happy. Our sexlife was back on track and it felt like a whole new relationship.

Fast forward another 7 months to today. He's been texting his very close friend [S] a lot, because she lives far away and so we only see her sporadically. They are very close, have been friends since they were little, and is considered an integral part of our friendship circle. They had a brief fling about 9 years ago, when they were in their teens, but nothing ever came of it and DP was upfront and honest about there being no feelings involved, and that it was just sex and "not very good sex at that" [his words].

His phone vibrates and because I'm closest, I check. It's from S and it is filthy. I go and check his previous contact with S only to find around a days worth of messages, but all the messages have turned deeply sexual.

DP - "You can tie me to your bed and do anything you like xxx"
DP - "TwoSugars is having a good week - we've had sex three times but I still want more can you come and finish me off"
DP - "Sat here wanking to porn while TwoSugars is asleep, wish you were here"

I've confronted him, and he has pulled his usual sadface and is there looking miserable. I have tried to keep my cool and have told him exactly how disappointed I am, that I thought we were OK and that I've never been so disgusted. Because she's such a close friend I now have to wonder what has been going on, whether this is new or whether it's been going on longer because he's known to delete messages from his phone as he likes "a tidy inbox".

For various reasons regarding money, my family, his family and commitments, I cannot just up and leave, either with DS or without him. I have no idea what I am meant to do about this. I'm so ashamed of myself. I thought we were OK.

I'm so sorry it's long, but I just didn't want to dripfeed. I mean it when I say that I cannot leave, even as a break. What do I do?

I think you should do some more research and find out exactly what your options are re leaving. There is probably more help available than you realise.

What else can you do? He is obviously not going to change.

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sun 05-May-13 11:22:48

Also a language barrier as most people here speak [as a primary] a language I don't know, but am learning. They're happy with English, but it's still awkward

I'm intrigued as to where you are in the UK. There is nowhere here where you can't get support.

Contact Women's Aid they should be able to advise you.

TidyDancer Sun 05-May-13 11:23:57

I'm guessing OP has married into a family where English isn't the first language and their community also doesn't speak English well?

I really would go to the council in this instance, there is a shortage of housing, but there are always places in circumstances like this.

Purple2012 Sun 05-May-13 11:28:22

You can leave. It may not be easy but you can do it.

Unless that is an excuse not to. I don't think he will change, he has done it too often and got away with it.

You dont deserve to live like this. A few hard months will be worth it in the long run.

ScrambledSmegs Sun 05-May-13 11:31:43

I would leave. There is always a way to leave in the UK, you don't have to stay. He will do it again, it's who he is.

Btw I'm sorry but it's obvious to me where in the UK (roughly) the OP is. I think speculating over where she is isn't fair, or even necessary.

Apileofballyhoo Sun 05-May-13 11:31:53

Sorry for you OP and don't really know what to say. Does he have a sex addiction? Does he suffer from mental health problems? Do you think he has been physically unfaithful? His intimacy with his old friend is completely unacceptable. I wish I could help you. I think you would be wise to get away.

Surprised that people haven't considered the OP could be in Wales or Scotland...

Hissy Sun 05-May-13 11:36:28

Ahem, there ARE countries, within the UK that speak the local language as a day to day proference, but English is the official language of the nation.

Ireland, Scotland and Wales all have their own languages and some communities do actively speak them day to day.

OP, you HAVE to leave. Living with someone that has that little respect for you will destroy you.

Ok there is no 15 bed mansion for you to decamp to, but there IS a social welfare system, there IS WA and there are people here who will help and advise you.

Don't put up with this. Not for anyone or anything.

Viviennemary Sun 05-May-13 11:38:09

He doesn't sound as if he is going to change his behaviour. And you say leaving is not an option. So it seems you will just have to find a way to deal with the unacceptable and you have backed yourself into a corner over this.

milkymocha Sun 05-May-13 11:48:42

This is the 3rd time now.
How many times does he need to fuck up before you realise he doesnt care about you!?

TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Sun 05-May-13 12:12:10

He has said that he needs help, and that it's become more of a compulsion. I've ended the relationship but his mum and dad have refused to let me leave the house permanently, as FIL's sister has been through all of this (welfare and crappy b&bs etc) and he is adamant it won't happen to his first grandchild.

They are distraught that this has happened not just now but previously, and FIL has said that he's amazed how forgiving I am.

I've left the relationship, but not the house.

Is there any reason why you can't move back home to your family? This is going to keep happening, he's playing you. I know you've forgiven him twice, but this is third time you have caught him, how many times has he done it when you haven't caught him? He quite obviously (and sorry if this blunt) doesn't give a shit about you or your relationship. He wants his cake and to eat it.

There can't possibly be anything keeping you there apart from his emotional blackmail and/or his control? If you're in the UK then there is help and you can up and leave. He is going to carry on doing this to you.

Why? Why can't you leave the house permanently? How on earth can they stop you? Physically? Call the police. Emotionally? Be strong and leave, you owe them nothing.

If his mum and dad are refusing to let you leave the house, ring the police and do it now.

TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Sun 05-May-13 12:18:15

No no, they have begged me to stay because they cannot bear to see me or DS on the streets or in a rubbish little room - they understand why I've ended it but they can't see us homeless because of their sons mistakes IYSWIM

TidyDancer Sun 05-May-13 12:18:27

Not sure if that was meant for me, Hissy. If it was, you have more assumptions than I have. I didn't say or mean that the OP's ILs weren't British!

HoHoHoNoYouDont Sun 05-May-13 12:18:48

As harsh as this sounds you need to get a backbone and stand up to these people. They cannot force you to stay and stop you leaving. Who are they, the bloody mafia!

TidyDancer Sun 05-May-13 12:20:11

TwoSugars, bare in mind they are likely acting in their own self interests. They don't want to lose their grandson, or lose full stop. Sorry to be cynical, but this may be absolutely nothing to do with your (or even your DS's) welfare.

MushroomSoup Sun 05-May-13 12:20:16

Your PIL cannot dictate to you about where you will live.

Nanny0gg Sun 05-May-13 12:25:42

If they were that supportive they would kick out their excuse for a son and support you and your DC.

So get in touch with CAB and find out your options. This situation is untenable.

Bogeyface Sun 05-May-13 12:28:04

They probably think they are being kind to you, but that is driven by panic and self interest.

Take your DS out for the afternoon somewhere that he can play and you can think. Just to the nearest playground would do. Get your head on straight about what YOU want to do, and then think through how you can get it.

Draw a metaphorical line from A (where you are now) to B (where you want to be both physically and emotionally), and work your way slowly along it. For a start that is going to see your local housing officer tomorrow, going on www.entitledto.co.uk/ to find out what benefits you will be able to claim (you can claim them while living in the same house as long as you are seperated) and contacting your HV or local Homestart centre to see if they can offer you any help.

You CAN do this, you just need to stay strong and not allow the bullying to affect your plan.

nailak Sun 05-May-13 12:28:16

then tell them to make your husband leave.

Tell them it is not in appropriate for you to be living in the same house as him. You need some space away from him, and either he leaves or you do with DS.

Tell them you also did not want to live in a B&B but it is their sons actions which are forcing you to do so, and pil are welcome to meet up with you and go with ds to park etc, but you do not want to see or talk to husband, you already said everything there was to say last time.

WishIdbeenatigermum Sun 05-May-13 12:29:17

Pils could kick him out or put you up in luxury somewhere if they're that fussed about your welfare. hmm
Run away from the lot of them.

Couldn't your P go to live somewhere else and you stay put until you get enough saved for a place of your own?

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 05-May-13 12:51:12

If my son did that to the mother of his child she could stay I would throw him out.

I would be very careful op. by staying living with them you are giving them the ability to evidence a significant relationship with your child and in the future they could cause you lots of court related problems.

TwoSugarsWithLotsOfMilk Sun 05-May-13 14:20:10

I'll be approaching the subject with them tomorrow. For now I'm out of the house, in the fresh air. And I'm thinking.

Would it be horrible of me to message S myself, and tell her that we're over as a direct result of the messages exchanged between them? And that she should sort her shit out with her estranged husband rather than messaging other men?

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