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SIL hates my niece. WWYD?

(85 Posts)
AdmiralData Sat 04-May-13 22:12:17

My DB is 31, has a little girl (My DNiece 5) from previous marriage. DB also has little girl (18 months) with his partner of 4 years. I will call her SIL, SIL adored my niece (5) and treated my niece better than her biological mother. She truly seemed to dote on my niece. My DB then decided to have a baby with SIL (DNiece 18 months) as it seemed that they were ready to add to their little family.
Since the day my DNiece (18 months) was born SIL has acted like my DNiece (5) does not exist, and at best treats her as a though she is a PITA and major inconvenience. To the point where she was brushing DNiece (18 months) hair, so DNiece (5) wanted to be involved and asked if she could have her hair done next and SIL just said 'No'. As small as that seems its other little things like not involving DNiece (5) in games with her half sister. She is even trying to exclude her from major family events.

Things have come to a head as SIL has stated that she loves Sundays and cannot wait for my DB to take DNiece (5) home after her weekend stays and she looks forward to it more than anything else.

I am gutted. For my DB and my DNiece (5) as everything seemed perfect and happy until SIL changed her tune so massively. My DB doesn't know what to do for the best as he doesn't want 2 children from 2 broken relationships. He confides in me and cannot seem to find a positive solution to this mess.

I also want to point out that DNiece (5) is an absolute angel all of the time. Even if she was not surely no child would ever merit this treatment?

So WWYD?

(Apologies for long post)

AdmiralData Sun 05-May-13 21:29:21

From what I gather every time my DB tries to have any kind of conversation about anything important (like her problem with my DN) she just plays games on FB and ignores him. Perhaps she knows there are problems but doesn't want to face them because of her depression? Who knows.

ChelseaKnows1 Sun 05-May-13 21:33:16

Maybe you and your brother could sit her down together and finally get this sorted? (Someone else watch the kids?)

ProphetOfDoom Sun 05-May-13 21:36:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pictish Sun 05-May-13 21:36:39

Well ultimately it is his choice to stay with the abusive cow and subject his daughter to her. This is his battle. All you can do is cheer him on if it sounds like he's going to do something about it.

Frankly, the threat of the cancelled holiday says it all.

She does not want her sd as part of her family.
She does not hide the fact.
She will create a shit storm to get her way.
She will crush your niece like an insect in the doing so.

I would say their marriage is as good as over already. How can a person have love for someone who treats their child with such cold contempt? A 5 yr old.

Chilling and deeply sad.

AdmiralData Sun 05-May-13 21:49:20

SIL has told DB that she doesn't want DN(5) going on holiday because she will ruin it by crying to go home to her mum as she has been doing on the weekends for a few months now ... I wonder why.
I have told my brother to sit her down and talk to her, to think about his options (leave the cow), to separate my DN(5) from SIL etc and I will continue to tell him to do so.
He said that he loves his DD but doesn't feel anything for SIL anymore as a result of her coldness so it's a matter of days I think. I will post as soon as anything positive happens.

AdmiralData Sun 05-May-13 21:50:08

Apologies for drip feeds. Head's in the shed.

Wow, she's quite a piece of work isn't she!

I think he will get more quality time with both his girls if he leaves her tbh.

Poor little girl, at a time when her mum is in hospital, she is making her feel unwelcome.

Not surprised he doesn't feel anything for her, selfish cow.

Jux Sun 05-May-13 22:31:47

Log it all. He may need it later.

Do you think his relationship with SIL will actually be a happy one and last when she behaves like this. She is an utter bitch. Someone needs to tell her. Is there a friend of hers who could maybe tell her a few home truths?

Vatta Sun 05-May-13 22:38:23

Do encourage him to keep records of what's happened, and to ask people who've witnessed it to do the same.

Your SIL sounds like she's either a total bitch or seriously troubled (maybe both). Either way she may well try to stop tour DB seeing his DD2 long term.

Ahhhcrap Sun 05-May-13 22:39:06

Sounds awful and he must do something. She's emotionally abusing a 5yr old hmm

Luckily she's for you and your B.

WafflyVersatile Sun 05-May-13 22:50:57

''I'm taking both my daughters on holiday. You can come or not, it's up to you. But if you do don't spoil it by abusing my DD5''

Sorry, OP what an awful situation. How can she not see what's she's doing.

tribpot Sun 05-May-13 22:52:40

she will ruin it by crying to go home to her mum as she has been doing on the weekends for a few months now

If the little girl is crying for her mum every weekend she visits your DB needs to stop the visits until he can provide a caring environment for her.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 05-May-13 22:53:53

Just unbelievable!

So pleased your brother sees what she is xx

Callthemidlife Sun 05-May-13 22:56:39

I am close to someone who was in a similar situation. The end result was that the husband ended up with two ex-wives.

In retrospect the issue may well have been PND that the new mum projected onto the step child but the damage was done regardless. The husband determined that if he stood by and allowed it to continue he would himself be partaking in the abuse. It broke his heart to leave his baby and set up home by himself, but he never regretted his decision for a moment, and he continues to be a great dad to both kids.

Jux Sun 05-May-13 23:15:10

Could he take both girls on dn(5) w/ends and all 3 of them stay at his ex-mil's?

He does need to tell his wife what she's doing. Maybe he and she could go out for a coffee, neutral ground and all that, so she can't just mess about on fb.

Is she the type who just wanted a house and a child, and now she's got them, she doesn't want anything else?

Your bro may want to get a free half hour of advice before he does or says anything irrevocable.

Such a sad situation. Poor little girl.

classifiedinformation Mon 06-May-13 09:04:17

Tbh, if I was the mother of dn(1) I would not be allowing my dd to be spending time in such a toxic environment. I know the mum is ill at the moment, but she really needs to make sure dd is secure at home especially with yet another (half?) sibling coming along soon.

She needs to insist that your db sees dd away from awful sil, or he doesn't get to see her. Maybe that would have more an impact on the evil stepmum!

AdmiralData Mon 06-May-13 09:34:31

My brother has mentioned that SILs dislike of DN(5) started during pregnancy but came across as more of a 'Oh I am knackered so can't really do much with her anymore' kind of thing.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots Mon 06-May-13 13:09:27

I think your DB needs to be more assertive in not giving your SIL any option of accompanying him with your DN and baby to spend time at yours when DN is there. He should simply get up, get the baby ready and leave to collect DN to go to yours. Any 'insistence' of coming too needs to be refused in the strongest terms. Your DN needs the chance to spend time with the baby too, to get an unwarped view of her little sister so she can have a healthier relationship with her as well. Hopefully your SIL having a whole w/e to think about why this is necessary might help her realise what a nasty person she's been. If it doesn't then your DB will have at least established a routine for both children that can be shown to work for the benefit of both children, and would help him in future if SIL ever did try and prevent a relationship.

AdmiralData Tue 28-May-13 15:39:11

Just an update, DB has left SIL, I didnt think he would tolerate her much longer.

MissStrawberry Tue 28-May-13 17:27:06

Thank fuck for that.

I suggest he gets legal stuff sorted quickly so she isn't able to use their child as a pawn in her ridiculous behaviour.

FerrisBueller1972 Tue 28-May-13 17:40:50

After reading this thread I am very pleased that you came back and updated such news. She does indeed sound like a toxic piece of work and you have been very restrained. I wish you all good luck smile

Jux Tue 28-May-13 17:51:00

I am really relieved for your neice that he's done that. Sorry for him that it's come to this.

I hope the bitch doesn't play havoc with his contact with their child. It would ve great for him to have both children on the same w/e but I fear BitchFace will scupper it if she can.

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp Tue 28-May-13 21:27:55

How are things OP? I guess it's a bit mad today but thanks for letting us know, I was wo during if it would come to that. Good for him for standing up for his dd. < round of applause for a decent dad>

ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp Tue 28-May-13 21:28:48

Wo during = wondering, obviously. <Ipad moment>

sjuperyoni Tue 28-May-13 21:31:57

Thank fuck for that. Well done your dbro - breaking up his family unit is hard but it was no longer a unit when his dp pushed out his elder dd. It became an abusive situation that he rightly stopped. I'm so glad smile

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