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should i send this letter?

(21 Posts)
2anddone Sat 04-May-13 07:55:58

Husband left 5 weeks ago leaving me and dc aged 4 and 7. He says there is no one else (I don't believe him,). He is telling everyone including his parents that for the past 2 years I have been a nightmare to live with, I have not included him in family life, we have grown apart and that after being together 20 years and married for 7 we have nothing in common anymore.
What he fails to say is that 2 years ago I found out he had been using prostitutes and ever since that day I have been ensuring that the dc and myself have a life that can function without him and a support network as I knew one day he would walk out on us. He also fails to tell anyone that he joined an internet sex site and met with and had sex with people from there while I was on my hen weekend and I only found out 2 months after we were married even though I had suspicions on the wedding day. Over the years dc and I have also been subjected to fists and feet through our kitchen and bathroom doors when he has lost his temper.
His parents have taken him in and are blaming me for the split due to the sugarcoated reason he has given. They have not even bothered to contact to see how their GC are. So aibu to send them a letter or email telling them a few home truths about their son or do I bite my tongue and use it at a later date if necessary? Fed up people thinking its all my fault sad

OneLieIn Sat 04-May-13 07:57:45

I wouldn't say specifics, but I would say you don't know the full story.

confusionoftheillusion Sat 04-May-13 08:01:13

I guess first you have to think of the children and how any of these revelations would affect them. Also if you say this stuff will it affect your chess arrangements (NO idea!)

BUT

I would find it impossible not to say something personally... You'd have to be aware if this guy is such a cock to (a) do all that and (b) lie about the reason for separating then he might just pass it off as you being bitter.

Is he saying this to lots of people? Or just his parents?

What a vile man.

You're well shot.

Hope you're doing ok xx

Thumbwitch Sat 04-May-13 08:01:49

No, don't send it now.
Save the details for later.
Just now it will be seen as lies and spite - wait until things have settled down, ride it out.

Maintain your dignity - you won't achieve anything by shouting about his behaviour - and be aware that he could use it against you anyway, if you tell about his prostitute/random sex habit, he could say it was because you were frigid or something similar.

In other words, don't start this fight because you are almost certain to lose. sad

Sad but true, sorry.

confusionoftheillusion Sat 04-May-13 08:01:52

Chess arrangements = childcare arrangements

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-May-13 08:03:22

Don't send a letter. Blood is thicker than water. They will always take his side, whatever they think in private, and you'll just look bitter. OTOH have the police ever been involved when he's been aggressive? It's never too late to report.

tribpot Sat 04-May-13 08:03:51

The fact that his parents have sided with him is perhaps not so surprising, but to the extent of not asking after their grand-children is appalling. How often did they see them before the split? Is it possible he's told them you have forbidden contact?

Did building your support network include making sure some people knew the truth about your DH? You have the ultimate weapon, you see - everyone who implies it's your fault can simply be told he has been using prostitutes. Don't feel ashamed, it's not your fault.

I would contact the grandparents just to reiterate that they may see the children if they wish and leave it at that. It sounds like they won't believe you if you tell them the truth and he will use it to make you look deranged. I'd tell people less likely to side with him - and wouldn't it be a shame if they found out on the grapevine?

2anddone Sat 04-May-13 08:08:36

It wont affect my childcare arrangements I am sahm and ft student so I have dc myself. It will affect financial arrangements however as he atm is paying mote than csa suggest and will go down to minimum he can get away with.
I am doing awful barely holding it together. Him leaving came completely out of the blue after I thought we had been happier than in ages and really getting back on track sad.
I think you are right I should save it h is scared I will spill the details especially as I have printed off all the evidence and kept it all these years just in case I needed it one day.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 04-May-13 08:11:27

How can it have been completely 'out of the blue' when you knew you were married to such a disgusting piece of trash that uses prostitutes?

NotTreadingGrapes Sat 04-May-13 08:15:04

No you don't send it. They won't believe it anyway.

When his penis turns green and falls off they'll find out what a fuckwit he was.

Don't you stoop to his level. But yes, when talking to your friends, by all means, shout it loud and proud that he's a scagger.

Don't stop the grandparents having contact (I have nothing to do with dp's family but that's nothing to do with my daughter)

I do hope you're celebrating that he's gone? You should be.

newbiefrugalgal Sat 04-May-13 08:16:02

Don't send. If they bring it up or if you want to say something. Say to them you are happy to tell your side of the story one day if they are willing to listen.
Now friends telling them you don't need any sugar coating.

You've had time to plan your departure hope now you are feeling settled or will feel more settled soon.

Hissy Sat 04-May-13 08:35:29

In time, you will see that its the best thing that could have happened. I, personally, wouldn't cover for him.

Id tell him to STFU with the slagging me off, or I might start talking myself...

Cabrinha Sat 04-May-13 08:57:56

Keep it to yourself for now. It's potentially powerful - do not waste it. My advice is to get through the divorce first, agree the finances. Once you tell his parents this, he has nothing to lose. Have you seen a solicitor to start proceedings yet? It's my understanding that no matter what you agree initially, child maintenance payments can be varied after just one year. So speak to your solicitor - get more definite things, like house and pension share. I wouldn't even threaten to reveal - he'll know the possibility is there. Just keep it in reserve. He has to come up with something to tell people - please, try not to take it personally. As for what your EX PIL think, who cares? Seriously - if their opinion is so easily swayed, they're not worth bothering with.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I chucked my husband for using prostitutes a month ago. My friends know exactly why. My colleagues / less close friends have been told that it's casual sex via the Internet. He hasn't told anyone yet. Including PIL. I'd love to be a fly on the wall, be ause outwardly we were fine, so it's not going to be easy explaining why we're just throwing that away.

Bottom line though - I'm so pleased to be shot of him, I don't care if he blames me. Focus long term my dear.

Dahlen Sat 04-May-13 09:07:20

I've been where you are where an X has gone round telling a complete pack of lies to explain our split. I completely understand the nasty taste it leaves in your mouth at the injustice of it all.

I didn't go round telling everyone the truth (though I did fantasise about it - a lot). I quickly realised that it would take such a huge effort to set the record straight that I would still be allowing him an inordinate amount of control over my new life. Anyone who knew me well and cared about me knew the truth, and ultimately it was only their opinions that mattered to me.

People like your DH tend to reap what they sow. I didn't need to do a character assassination of my X. Once I was no longer in place moderating his behaviour and picking up the pieces, the consequences started to happen and he ended up exposing himself for what he really is. It took years for that to become apparent, but it did eventually, even to his so-called friends. His mother, however, will always see him as her baby and incapable of doing anything wrong - and you'll probably find that's the case with your H's parents - don't forget that it is in part their upbringing and values that will have resulted in your H being the sort of entitled man who feels it's acceptable to use prostitutes and lie to your wife.

Good luck with everything.

Dahlen Sat 04-May-13 09:07:34

Not so D H even. wink

2anddone Sat 04-May-13 12:08:06

Thank you wise people of mn!! Just bumped into mil in town luckily I had no dc with me as she started having a go at me for what I have done to make h leave hmm
I just let her get to the end and said'well we shall see as the truth will out one day' and walked off.
So pleased I posted this morning or I may have told her everything and lost my most powerful weapon.
Thank you flowers X

Thumbwitch Mon 06-May-13 05:16:52

oh well done, 2anddone! Congratulations on holding your nerve, that must have taken some courage. thankswine smile

Cabrinha Mon 06-May-13 09:46:59

Well done!

newbiefrugalgal Mon 06-May-13 10:16:15

Would love to hear the conversation she has with her ds when she gets home!
Well done op

Lweji Mon 06-May-13 11:52:10

You did well.
No point explaining all in detail to her, you don't have to justify yourself.

I did tell XH's family that he had hit me and that he had made threats of suicide and killing us, and that is why I was leaving him.
As XMIL started blaming me, I just cut contact.

Keep your dignified dignity. smile

Joy5 Mon 06-May-13 13:28:25

Hi
I've been in a similar situation for the past 18 months, in laws no longer have anything to do with me, due to what my ex has told them. SIL was my best friend for over 20 years, been through her divorces and numerous seperations, and the death of my son, now she won't even speak to me.

Wanted to defend myself many times, but no it won't get me anywhere. Last December my FIL told me it was my fault when my ex tried to force his way through the front door late at night. FIL sat in the car and let him. My son refused to see his Dad that time, was i supposed to let him in after he'd been drinking?
In an awful situation when my ex doesn't see much of our 2 younger sons, so therefore his family don't as they no longer want to see me.
Sending hugs 2anddone, its an awful place to be in, people who've been famly for so long just suddenly turn their backs on you.

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