Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Partners leaving me in the morning

(62 Posts)
VitoCorleone Italy Fri 03-May-13 22:39:55

We've been agruing for weeks and tonight he told me he cant take it anymore, says im clingy and controlling and he doesnt want to be with me anymore, doesnt want to waste any more of his life with me, and he's leaving.

Im sat in bed crying. He's downstairs.

VitoCorleone Italy Fri 03-May-13 23:28:13

I was supposed to be meeting my 2 friends, but ive just text them and they're just going to come here instead.

I suppose my issues stopped him having a life, i have a thread here somewhere about how id turned into a jealous insecure monster, paranoid he would fuck off with somebody more 'normal' somebody who was outgoing and sociable like him.

Ive stopped crying at least, but dying for a fag (smoke a lot when im stressed) but cant go for one coz he's asleep downstairs and i dont smoke in the house sad

VitoCorleone Italy Fri 03-May-13 23:34:43

Sorry for drip-feeding, my heads up my arse. Gonna try and get some sleep, have to be up with the kids in the morning

Lweji Portugal Fri 03-May-13 23:36:38

Yes, have a good rest.

VitoCorleone Italy Sat 04-May-13 00:59:41

Cant sleep, just feel like shit. Went downstairs for my phone charger and he said he really does love me, i said you wouldnt be doing this if you loved me, he said its the truth i really do.

Doesnt change anything, he told me earlier that he doesnt want me anymore, is wasting his life with me etc so wether he loves me or not is fuckin irrelevant. He's still leaving so why even bother

ElectricSheep Sat 04-May-13 01:08:35

OMG he really does like to do the mind fuckery doesn't he? He doesn't want you but does love you. What's that all about?

I think you've got to be the stronger one here OP and insist that he goes at least temporarily. Messing about like this is so bad for your emotional and mental state. YOu need peace and rest to get on an even keel, not some immature man-child who wants to leave but also wants to love you. NO. Assert some control here OP. Tell him you don't want to hear it and to just go. You will begin to feel calmer, more in control and at peace gradually as the days go on without the uncertainty of tiptoeing round him.

ElectricSheep Sat 04-May-13 01:10:24

BTW have you tried e-cigs? They're very good, an easy way to give up while still getting the nicotine hit. No smell and can be smoked anywhere.

WishIdbeenatigermum Sat 04-May-13 07:10:27

Have a good day with your friends. thanks
It sounds like it's his loss not yours- just watch out for his mind games because it doesn't sound like he knows what he wants.

Hi Vito,

Am thinking of you this morning. If he's decided he needs to go he could be a lot more caring about the way he does it - no need to be so unpleasant. Am glad he said sorry for saying he didn't love you anymore, but he should have left it at that and not started messing with your emotions. Sounds like with his general put downs he can be emotionally abusive - saying you have no life is out of order in my book. I think splitting up is always painful but sometimes it's for the best. In time perhaps you can find someone else to spend your life with who accepts you and loves you much more for who you are, like PP said.
Glad your friends are coming over, that's great thanks Take care x

VitoCorleone Italy Sat 04-May-13 08:16:28

Morning thanks

Well ive hardly slept and have a splitting headache from crying all night.

He came upstairs at 7am and said he's thouroughly ashamed of himself, that everything he said last night was purely out of frustration for the situation thats been going on for the last few weeks, that of course he loves me, more than he's ever loved anyone and is devestated that he upset me so much.

Said he never wants to leave me and that he'd had too much to drink, couldnt handle it and everything just boiled over. Says he still wants us to buy a house and get married, that he is going to try harder and show me that he really does apprciate me and everything we have.

Keeps saying he's ashamed of himself and couldnt possibly love anyone more than he loves me, and he hope this can be a new start for us now, and we can make it work and he can prove how much he loves me.

Well, that does sound like quite a decent apology.
How are you feeling now ?
What do you want to do ?
Sorry you didn't sleep well, hope today will be better x

PregnantPain Sat 04-May-13 08:24:48

I hope all works out for you Vito. smile flowers

VitoCorleone Italy Sat 04-May-13 08:26:59

I feel ok, i didnt want him to leave anyway and he says he didnt either, that if he left me he'd regret it for the rest of his life, couldnt imagine not being with me and that dispite our arguments i am his best friend, and he hates that he's upset me so much, and is not going to get that drunk again. That what we have isnt worth throwing away for anything and he wants us to be together for the rest of our lives.

He just wants us to be happy again and stop arguing over things that dont matter because its not worth it and he hopes it can be a turning point for us because he knows he's taken me for granted.

So hopefully we can just sort things out, and make it work

SanityClause Sat 04-May-13 08:34:29

Okay, so now he wants to stay. I think you need to let him know how you want it to be, if he does.

Don't let him think he can blow hot and cold on you like this. He needs to come crawling back. Less of the "oh, actually, I've decided to stay" and more of the "please, I've been an arse, please will you let me stay".

Think about what you really want from him, and set those things out. Understanding of your disorder, no more putting you down, no more mindfuckery.

Let him realise he can't just do this. You are worth more than this.

Oh, and you are not a loner. Two close friends were lined up to come and see you tomorrow. You do have a life. You have two lovely children, and are starting up a business, and have lovely friends (and I'm sure there's more that I don't know about).

You are fabulous, and deserve to be treated that way. flowers

Somethingtothinkabout Sat 04-May-13 08:38:22

Vito, that's good he's apologised as what he said was definitely out of order.

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way, but I'm always a bit sceptical of people who threaten break ups on their partner and then the next day say they didn't mean it. It's nasty and controlling, and it the situation escalates the next time.

By that, what I mean is that next time you've had a rough few weeks he'll say it's over, he doesn't love you, but this time will actually move out for a few days, then come back. The time after, move out a bit longer, etc.

I think you need to nip this cycle in the bud as it only leads down a destructive path and you're just dragging out the inevitable.

WilmaFingerdoo Sat 04-May-13 08:41:24

Vito, reading your thread, I really hope this works out if that's what you genuinely want but please lay your cards on the table now he has GOT to STOP pulling your personality apart. You're a loner etc. That is shit and you need to address that before moving on.

I hope it works out how you want smile

BIWI Cote D'Ivoire Sat 04-May-13 08:42:15

It sounds to me like you really would benefit from some couples' counselling. You obviously both love each other, but have some real issues that you need to really talk through and you need to work out a solution for both of you.

flowers

Hope you're both feeling better today.

VitoCorleone Italy Sat 04-May-13 08:47:16

Thank you Sanity thanks smile he knows i deserve to be treated better, that i do have friends and a life, im just more of a homebird and love being with my family. And when my business is up and running then it will get me out of the house a bit more.

Something - to be fair its the first time he's ever told me he's leaving, in the past when we've split up its always been me who's ended it, he's never wanted to go ive always pushed him. Suppose thats why it was such a shock. And we've had the discussion that if we ever split again then there really is no going back, once its over its over for good. Because we cant keep doing it.

VitoCorleone Italy Sat 04-May-13 08:49:16

He actually asked me to go to couples councilling a couple of years ago because we where on the verge of splittling, but i didnt want to. Perhaps it would be a good idea now

Lweji Portugal Sat 04-May-13 08:50:29

Good, smile but yes to all the comments.
You have to work at your condition as much as him.
Make it a condition that he researches about it, maybe together.
Even without therapy there are things you can do for yourself. Relaxation techniques, even exercises.
Would you be able to pay privately to speed it up?

But, yes, he must absolutely stop the put downs.
You both need to communicate your feelings better.
Can you tell him when you are feeling anxious? Or him telling you how he's felling?

VitoCorleone Italy Sat 04-May-13 08:51:17

And yes we need to address the bad habits we've fallen into, like me being clingy and him putting me down. Because when all that isnt going on we are really good together

Lweji Portugal Sat 04-May-13 08:52:02

Yes, go to counselling.

VitoCorleone Italy Sat 04-May-13 09:03:20

He's generally quite good about the anxiety, if we're in a social situation he will constantly check that im ok, and if im really not then he makes excuses and we leave.

Its just the insecurity ive developed from feeling "not normal" that is causing fights. He says i dont help my problem by staying home all day and not getting out the house more, then i get defensive and a big row starts, a lot has been said in anger and frustration recently

Lweji Portugal Sat 04-May-13 09:12:54

I agree that you should try and get out more, interact with strangers and so on, but it's easier to stay in your comfort zone.
Could you make a schedule so you have to follow it and feel obliged to?
It could be shopping (even if you don't buy anything), taking the children somewhere.

You will have to work on your communication so that you don't get frustrated, but you also have to understand that you need to put the work into your condition.
Imagine if you had to do physio, it would still hurt but you'd have to do it to regain your normal mobility.
Your H should be pushing you, but in a loving albeit firm way.
But small steps always.

I felt I had to post as I suffered from anxiety for years. I didn't really know what was wrong with me and just accepted I was "weird".

About 2 years ago I had CBT and it totally changed my life. I did everything the therapist to.d me to do (bought the books, did the relaxation techniques, exercised and most importantly "forced" myself into social situations). My life now is so much better. I have lots of new friends, a very busy social life and go away on lots of holidays with the children and also without them. Looking back I'd probably had a social anxiety for more than 20 years and it's one of those things that gets progressively worse as you start avoiding social situations, thus reinforcing the anxiety.

I could not believe how quickly the techniques started to pay off. Within 6 months I saw a massive improvement in my mood and things have just got better and better since. I did also have medication. I had Prozac at first but that just made me worse so was then put on beta blockers instead which were much better. I only needed them for around 2 or 3 months.

If you can get your doctor to refer you for CBT I can't recommend it enough. Alternatively, if you can't get a referral, I would really try and find the money to go private as it really will pay for itself many times over. I was in a group (classroom style) and absolutely everyone in the group said they'd found it so helpful.

Take care of yourself and try not to be too hard on either yourself or your partner as I know just how hard anxiety is to live with.

Lweji Portugal Sat 04-May-13 09:24:04

Just pointing out that there's nothing wrong with loving being at home, or by yourself.
Your H would probably call me a loner. smile

But social anxiety is different.

I don't have a problem dealing with anyone, enjoy meeting new people, can speak in public and so on.

The combination of enjoying being at home or by yourself and social anxiety is dangerous because you'll tend to fall more and more into your coccoon. And the anxiety will get worse.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now