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The rules

(23 Posts)
Isitschooltimeyet Fri 03-May-13 19:32:42

I have just finished reading the rules and now im abit hmmmm tbh has anyone else read it? I think some of the rules make sense and makes me think i should have been given this book along time ago and some of them are abit odd (if thats the right word) or maybe i would come across a hard faced cow if i followed them to the letter

Moanranger Fri 03-May-13 21:49:33

The overall principle is correct - don't run after mildly interested men, no booty calls, & make sure he is really keen. I would be a bit more flexible about the more rigid aspects, but for women who have had one or more EA relationships, they are worth considering.

meditrina Fri 03-May-13 21:56:15

Some of the messages are good, in particular value yourself, and don't waste time on men who don't treat you well.

Playerpleeeese Fri 03-May-13 21:59:43

I have read it and agree with PP, someone recommended it to me after my EA relationship ended. I will be following the sensible ones but I will not be dyeing my hair blonde, straightning my curls or buying a gold wrist watch hmm (the new version in case you've read the old one grin)

Dahlen Fri 03-May-13 22:00:55

Well the rules will certainly bag you a man - whether he's worth having is another matter entirely.

Isitschooltimeyet Fri 03-May-13 22:09:52

No its the old version . Some of the rules did give me a lightbulb kind of moment.

VelvetSpoon Fri 03-May-13 22:11:31

I agree the sort of man the Rules will get you probably isn't worth having.

They encourage women to be passive, which is a bad thing in my view. And to only consider men who make considerable effort to pursue them - those sort of men are not always the best imo, indeed the men who are completely full on in the early stages of dating/relationships are often either abusers, or have the potential to be.

superstarheartbreaker Sat 04-May-13 00:15:02

What I hate most of all abut the rules is that they promote that WE MUST NOT BE OURSELVES OTHERISE NOONE WILL LOVE US.........BOLLOCKS!

EllaFitzgerald Sat 04-May-13 15:52:37

Isn't that the book where the authors tell you not to tell any counsellors that you're following The Rules? I think it damages self esteem.

I'm not a massive fan of self help books, but read He's Just Not That Into You' after getting it free with a magazine years ago. It tells you not to waste your time chasing after men who clearly aren't interested and treating you badly. A much better message.

Lavenderhoney Sat 04-May-13 17:04:36

Yes I've read it. Some messages about taking care of yourself, keeping busy and not wasting time on men who clearly aren't interested are good.

I remember they did a program about it and showed a few women. There was one who really chased one man, and was given advice to ignore him, go out with friends and let him make the running. She ignored it and used to sit in his doorstep waiting for himsad

I think watching " hes not that into you" will be more fun.

Isitschooltimeyet Sat 04-May-13 17:27:25

Yes ella thats the one i only downloaded it as someone on here recommended it to a poster on a thread i was reading. I havent read the new version though. I agree with taking care of your self and not chasing but the rule about cutting phone conversations short if someone did that to me i would think they had no manners

Moanranger Sat 04-May-13 17:50:58

Itsschooltime I think some can sit on phone for ages spouting drivel( ESP in US where this book originates) The advice re phone conversations is meant to address that, not to be so curt you come across as rude. The general Rules principle is "leave him wanting more."

ALittleStranger Sat 04-May-13 19:12:40

Lavenderhoney but that kind of behaviour is just crazy (the doorstep sitting). My problem with these books is they tend to lump that in alongside sending a text to suggest a date.

VelvetSpoon Sat 04-May-13 19:24:08

I don't care for 'he's just not that into you' either. Because all these books are basically variatioms on a theme, the theme being that its BAD to ask a man out, to initiate contact, and that you should ignore any man other than the ones who strongly pursue you. Its disempowering and encourages passivity and bad choices.

ALittleStranger Sat 04-May-13 20:01:14

I agree Velvet. I think that's a good insight about the type of man who does enjoy pursuing things. I do generally think that if a man is v keen he will make the effort, but I think good things can develop with a bit of nudging. If it doesn't work out, is it really any skin of anyone's nose if they've made a pass or two that got rebuffed? Rejection really isn't terminal.

Lavenderhoney Sun 05-May-13 04:35:47

A little stranger- yes it's all or nothing in the book, but rl is different. Anyone who needs to be played to make them interested sounds exhausting anyway.

If he's interested then its easy. Hanging round waiting for call and pinning all your future on one man you have just met is unhealthy and unfair on both parties, so I agree with the keeping busy bit, not the double dating and game playing with timers and pretending to be mysterious. And if he has any female friends he might mention your behaviour and they will say " ah, she is doing the rulessmile"

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 05-May-13 06:09:37

Look, the single best thing you can do to get the relationship you want, when you want, and that's actually worth having long term, is to work on your self-esteem. Everything else is noise.

If your self-esteem is solid and healthy then you can do whatever the hell you want, and crucially, be yourself, and you'll attract the right sort of bloke for you, and you won't then need to maintain some sort of ridiculous facade to keep him.

And then, ask yourself what sort of shiz you expect from him, and how he's going to keep you interested, instead of contorting yourself all over the show to interest him.

AuntieStella Sun 05-May-13 09:06:24

The edition of the book I read told you emphatically not to hang around waiting for him to call. It was - don't call, don't be available last moment, fill you life with activities so you're not moping round with hopes pinned on one. Date widely, and look to see who treats you well and is genuinely interested in you.

It was pretty big on ramming home the irritatingly worded message "you are a creature like no other" and to be yourself, unique and special. It wasn't saying to out on a facade of being someone you're not.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 05-May-13 09:27:43

It doesn't come out and say that, but by listing a one-size-fits-all set of Rules, that's effectively exactly what it's doing.

I've done stuff in the past that Rules ladies would be aghast at, and it didn't do me a jot of harm. smile

AuntieStella Sun 05-May-13 09:30:23

That means no self-help book, or advice people would want to pass on generally, can be useful because it's one-size-for-all?

I think it's a book about which there are a great deal of misconceptions.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Sun 05-May-13 09:34:31

In all honesty, as I say, it comes back to your own level of self-esteem. Most people with a healthy, robust level of self-esteem won't even be bothering with self-help books in the first place.

And as for advice in general, it's only ever advice. So yes, anything too proscriptive is probably best ignored. You keep looking until you find the advice that fits you.

AuntieStella Sun 05-May-13 09:38:36

It calls self esteem the confidence to be a creature like no other, and this is at the heart of its message.

Those who are bothering to read a self-help book might be better off with one such as this, which has positive self-esteem messages.

VelvetSpoon Sun 05-May-13 09:41:26

It's basically the old 'play hard to get' nonsense jazzed up.

Which in many situations is bad advice - because nice, genuine men don't like gameplaying, and if you're constantly 'busy' when they try and arrange stuff, will give up.

Bollocks to not calling men. Why not? Sod all this being passive and waiting for them to call (even if you're not waiting because you're making yourself busy doing XYZ, you're still leaving the ball in his court..) and the implication that if you do make ANY attempt to pursue a man you're somehow wrong/chasing after someone who isn't interested...just makes me hmm

The very best relationship I ever had was with a man where I made the first move - and later found out if I hadn't, he never would have (because he considered I could never be interested in him). I am currently dating someone lovely, who if I hadn't made some effort to pursue (albeit after he had initially done some of the work) I wouldn't be...again, because of the type of man he is, and not due to a lack of interest.

Following the Rules or any other nonsensical books in the same vein wouldn't have got me either of these men, but it would have got me the kind of shallow, unsuitable, unsatisfactory men I generally encounter who will pursue but not for any good reason.

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