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ex p suggests a planned ds/dd for our dd whilst remaining apart

(86 Posts)
pod3030 Thu 02-May-13 21:40:42

Hi ,
ex p and i split when he decided our planned dd changed his life too much and he wanted the life he had before.workaholic, history of ea and gas lighting, me and dd had to move out of the family home as everything in his name. he's away a lot which gave me time to resettle not far away so dd could get to see him.am now really blossoming and realising how my personality had been squashed.enjoying my new life and dd happy.

i had a thread not long ago about wanting another child and considering a sperm bank. I think i had come to a decision that yes, this is what i wanted, so i informed ex p as it would affect our dd. he said he had always wanted two dc (this is not true, he gave one of the main reasons for the split as not wanting another dc to complicate his carefully constructed life) and he would like to be the donor so dc have the same dad.
so part of me is thinking, yes, it makes sense, the new dc will have a dad, it won't change the situation but will give me what i want and ex p still gets to do the disney dad thing. it will be the same, but with two.

then i wobble, think am i self sabotaging my chances of happiness with a potential soul mate in the future?, will this keep ex p too much in my life, is this more of his control? he has been ok about respecting my boundaries, he knows i never ever want to get back together. but it's making me weepy thinking about another baby he'll have a say in iykwim. oh i'm so confused. this is madness isn't it. or is it?

DIYapprentice Fri 03-May-13 10:37:07

Hmm, a difficult one, and with my head I would say 'don't do it'. But I have to be honest and say that actually, yes I would consider it, and would probably go ahead with it. I'd quite like my 2 DC to be on par. If you're not going to have the 2nd dad in their life, you may as well give them the same dad.

WhiteBirdBlueSky Fri 03-May-13 11:09:05

I'm going to go against the grain too. If he has a relationship with your DD already, then it's going to make life much easier to have both children with the same father. You're not going to have one who has a daddy and one who doesn't.

I think it would be important to do it on a sperm donor basis though and not just end up shagging him. grin

newbiefrugalgal Fri 03-May-13 11:19:18

I'm another that thinks it might be a good idea.
DC have same father and same access.
Imagine one child going off to dads for the weekend.
The other googling 'sperm bank daddies 2013'

AThingInYourLife Fri 03-May-13 11:43:23

Bringing a child into the world with a man you know to be abusive is unbelievably irresponsible and selfish.

Having no dad is better than being forced to spend time by law with the kind of man who would kick his child out of their home because he was bored with fatherhood.

If you went to a sperm bank, would you choose the sample labelled "domestic abuser"?

The last thing anyone needs is for this prick to have another child.

anonacfr Fri 03-May-13 11:52:10

Also you don't know how controlling he might turn out in the future- how about school choices or even random things like extra curricular activities.
I remember a horrible thread a while back where a 'father' was making huge difficulties for his children because they weren't playing the right musical instruments.

You have to look at it long term- not just when the children are babies and toddlers and they're all cute and he has to defer to you as the primary carer.
If he was abusive and controlling to you he could use your children to manipulate you as they get older.

So yes, having another child with him would give him more control over you.

VenusRising Fri 03-May-13 12:01:17

He's abusive, you are gas lighted to think he's going to be magically nicer. He's inboard with you as he wants to control the situation, not because it's you.

You may find he has another kid very soon with his new girlfriend, just to rub your nose in it.

Get a puppy.

Your dd will be fine as an only.

It's your hormones in overdrive to want another bio child. Not to put too fine a point on it, you're 40 and the chances of having a less than perfect child are high now: how would you cope then?

You may meet a lovely divorced man with kids yet.

Don't go back to the abuser!!

joblot Fri 03-May-13 12:29:03

What athinginyourelife said.

And what happens if child has special needs? Will he and you be just as happy with that scenario?

Basically, don't do it, it's for you and him, not the child, i.e. Selfish reasons

Floggingmolly Fri 03-May-13 12:36:38

He has form for ea and gaslighting? You would be seriously nuts to even consider this.

lottiegarbanzo Fri 03-May-13 13:40:54

I suspect that, whatever you do, he won't remain so involved with your dd when she becomes less cute and compliant. So, the difference in parenting between her and a donor-dad child might not be as great as you think. Plus, if you go down that route, either he'll distance himself from you, or be unpleasant about it so that you'll distance yourselves from him. The contrast might not be so great as you imagine.

mathanxiety Sat 04-May-13 00:54:45

I think you are projecting your own hopes and dreams onto both this man and your DD. And you are still feeling guilt for the breakup and seeing this man now as a collection of problems you could possibly solve rather than a huge problem in your life - enough of a problem to make you think you had come away the winner when you left with nothing..

You are thinking with your ovaries. Sit tight and get a puppy.

Start looking at what you have, and the position of strength you now occupy that enables you to be a good mother to your existing DD, and stop pining for something that would be very bad for a potential child and would really only be a way for you to assuage guilt you have over this man and your child. Your DD will be starting into the terrible twos soon (a naturally narcissistic phase that most people grow out of), and that I predict is when her father will suddenly start to suspect she is a separate person from him. That means she will suddenly be dealing with his narcissism (because the principle that other people are separate individuals is something narcissists cannot accept, plus there is only enough oxygen in any given room for one narcissist at a time) and she will need you on duty 24/7 and not distracted in order to protect her.

I have a feeling you feel guilty that you have abandoned a man whom you believe to be some sort of diamond in the rough, and that just a bit more accommodation from you might result in some sort of magical transformation. If it was just you getting involved in this role of angel I would be very worried for you, but you are seemingly seriously thinking of taking the ministering angel thing one step further, and do not seem to worry about what exposure to this man will do with either the child you already have or the one who is just a gleam in your eye right now.

A child can't be brought into the world with a ready-made full time job, or in the case of the baby you are thinking of, two full time jobs - father's therapist and sibling's best friend and family for when you are gone.

Homebird8 Sat 04-May-13 03:48:56

Another DC, wonderful - but not with this man. It seems like he thinks he owns your body. 'What a good receptacle for my offspring' he's thinking to himself. 'And free childcare from her too.'

Would you trust him to leave you to make all your own pregnancy choices or would it all be 'That's my child you're carrying' and 'See, she can't get enough of me even now. Doesn't know her own mind?' All sorts of horrendous extensions to that chain of thought. hmm

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