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Husband arranged to meet my friend and lied

(19 Posts)
Dontspeak Thu 02-May-13 17:05:28

8 years ago I discovered that my husband had been texting my friend. They had arranged to meet up on a night out. I found out by accident. I was heartbroken. He swears that nothing happened.
He betrayed my trust so it doesn't matter what happened. We split up for a few weeks. I don't speak to her at all.
Anyway we moved away. 50 miles.
He is the one that is insecure, controlling etc. I have never given him any reason to mistrust me.
We have now been together 23 years. 2 boys grown up.
My friends all live back in the area we have moved from. I have 1 friend here. iWork from home. I am lonely.
My husband doesn't treat me well. I am anxious and low. We are both late 40s.
I am applying for jobs but he says there isn't any point in working for £6 an hour. It's not worth it. I use to be full of beans!!

Sorry I'm rambling I just need som advice.

LEMisdisappointed Thu 02-May-13 17:11:30

What do you want to change?

ClartyCarol Thu 02-May-13 17:16:41

Blimey - why do you stay with him? Sorry to sound flippant, but hearing the bare bones as you've described it, it's hard to see why you don't leave him and move back to where you're friends are. Your children are grown up, this could be a new chapter in your life.

ClartyCarol Thu 02-May-13 17:17:49

Your friends, not you're. Bloody phone.

toffeelolly Thu 02-May-13 17:21:14

You need to get out you are not happy, so why stay with him, think once you make the move you would feel better with .yourself

Dontspeak Thu 02-May-13 19:49:50

I don't know what I want really.
I don't feel as if I am living. The anxiety is hard to deal with. I am on medication. I have seen a therapist and had cbt.
I am scared that if I got a little job I wouldn't be able to do it because of the anxiety.
My oh is not supportive. He shouts and swears at me. Then says he is sorry and loves me.
I have good friends and family but not close by.
I feel quite isolated.
My boys are brilliant.
I am thinking about leaving. But where would I go

MsBuzz Thu 02-May-13 20:00:44

Move near to friends and family as they will be your support network and social life. Can one of them give you a spare room for a couple of months while you settle/get a job etc?
It sounds a bit like EA and like you have been ground down by it. Get a hold of your self-esteem, hold your head up and walk out of there.
Good luck with what ever you decide to do smile

Mynewmoniker Thu 02-May-13 20:04:04

Speak to some trusted members of your family to get a picture of your family support network before you leave.

If you don't have family have a word with your GP or look at local support groups for ideas.

You sound like you need to leave to get your sense of 'happy self' back and it CAN be done!

Dontspeak Thu 02-May-13 20:56:05

My boys both have full time jobs and are settled here so if I leave I will be leaving them. Only one lives in the family home.

LandOfCross Fri 03-May-13 07:44:25

You sounds so sadDontspeak sad.

I think you should continue with the job-hunting and ignore your H with his negative comments.
Working is not always about money. It can be about self esteem, meeting people and sometimes just getting out of the house!

I would love to see you become one of those women who absolutely flourish when their children are grown - getting a new hobby, job, friends etc. It can be done. It really can. But not if you listen to your H, who will try to keep you the same way you have always been.
Does he have your best interests at heart? History would suggest he doesn't... So trust yourself. Don't ask him for his opinion or approval - you don't need it!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 03-May-13 08:13:15

You're in an emotionally abusive relationship. Shouting and swearing isn't unsupportive, it's abusive. His insecure, mistrustful and controlling behaviour makes him a bully. Arranging affairs is appalling behaviour showing no respect or consideration for you. Saying 'sorry' and 'I love you' are very, very easy but meaningless words in the mouth of a man as nasty and deceitful as that.

No wonder you are on anxiety medication. However, no amount of medication or therapy can get rid of the cause of your anxiety ie. him. Only you can do that.

Suggest you start making a plan to get him out. There is lots of help available for victims of domestic abuse from organisations like Womens Aid (You don't have to have a black eye to give them a call) Many solicitors offer a free initial consultation. CAB is an excellent resource for financial & legal questions.

Good luck

I bet if you were away from this bully your anxiety would magically decrease and you would find life a whole lot easier.

Dontspeak Sun 05-May-13 02:12:44

F

JustinBsMum Sun 05-May-13 02:26:01

From my own experience I think the anxiety is a sort of inner panic at feeling trapped in a situation you can't easily solve. You want to move on but there are too many complications and this is how your body responds.
So in my nonexpert opinion what Ercht says could be right.

MariefromStMoritz Sun 05-May-13 03:22:35

A "little job" as you call it, would probably be the making of you. It sounds like just what you need.

sleeton Sun 05-May-13 10:28:10

Hello Dontspeak it sounds like there is such a lot going on here, so many things you want and need to change, that I'm not surprised that it all feels very insurmountable.

In the long run, I agree with Cogito and Ehric, but I also think you are maybe not yet ready to make such a leap.

The thing is, you don't have to deal with it all at once. You can pick just one thing to change firstly, and even then you don't have to accomplish that one thing all at once.

Something to build your confidence would be a good place to start. So a job!

Now I know your H has said "isn't any point in working for £6 an hour" (his nasty negative attitude is another issue) , but I can see a positive in that! That he can say that suggests that for the moment, the household doesn't need the money from such work.

Fine! That just means you can take baby steps into the job market, building confidence and experience on the way. In the short term you could do a bit of volunteer work ... sales assistant in a charity shop, hospice library volunteer, dog walker at the local dog pound ... there are lots, google volunteer work for your area. Or you could do a short training course, ask at your local colleges and jobcentres.

Anything at all that gives you a purpose outside the house, that gives you the opportunity to find out what you might like to eventually have a job doing, gives you the chance of work experience and lets you start to rebuild your confidence.

Actually, I think you already sound like a great person and I think if you get the chance to start spending some time out of that toxic atmosphere you will start to feel so much better and stronger.

I hope you can take that first baby step today and do a little googling to see what's in your area Dontspeak ... and keep talking to us, I'd love to know how you get on. I think before we know it, you'll be changing your name to SpeakOutLoud! wink

MadBusLady Sun 05-May-13 10:40:37

I agree with Ehric.

If you succeed in getting a job, with this negative, abusive, carping bully on hand to tell you it's pointless, talk down your achievement, sabotage your commute etc (don't be surprised!) I think it'll be like walking through quicksand.

Counter-intuitively, I think it would be easier to leave him first. It's more of a dramatic change, certainly, but still ultimately easier than continuing with this uphill struggle of trying to overcome your anxiety with the source of it still in the same house. Once the problem is removed, a whole host of things becomes possible.

Could you try going to stay with sympathetic friends/family in your old area for a week or two? Try to imagine what it would be like to be waking up every day and contemplating all the social, professional and leisure possibilities in your life without this deadweight dragging you down. See what you feel like doing then? I think you might get a bit of clarity about your options just by being away from him.

yy to eric and cogito.

you are not the problem. your partner and your abusive relationship are.

i think you do need to leave. start talking to your friends and family. talk on here and work it through.

i agree with madbus too.

try and get away for a week and imagine, when you're out, not going back. and then maybe don't go back!

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