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I'm the bad guy and I need help

(54 Posts)
Alphabetbites Thu 02-May-13 13:37:40

I've NC for this.

Years ago I cheated on my DH. I regretted it straight away. I've not told him but the guilt is killing me. I feel sick and I don't know what to do. I love my DH so much and I loved him at the time. I guess the OM gave me attention and I was flattered.

It was a one off, not that that makes it any better.

I have 3 options as I see it:

1. I don't tell DH, I live with the guilt and I go on to be the best wife I can. I hope he never finds out and I'm 95% sure he won't, but there's always that chance. It's a chance I take.

2. I tell him. He'll leave me and he'll be hurting. I will still feel the guilt.

3. I can't even believe I'm writing this but anyone who searches my name will know I've just posted in mental health... I commit suicide. I've written suicide notes today. I feel like my mental health has been deteriorating for months as it is and I feel trapped inside my head. I don't know if I can go through with it or not but it seems the only option where my DH can be set free. Where I can be set free too.

Flame away, I couldn't feel any worse.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 02-May-13 13:40:51

Or you could tell him and both of you could work thro it.

Are you getting treatment for your mental health issues?

You would benefit from seeing a counsellor I think.

If it was years ago and you will enver do it agian and are determiend ot make your marriagework I would be inclined not ot tell him, however you have ot let it go as well not beat yourself up about it constantly.

Do you have children?

Do you want to remain in this marriage?

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 02-May-13 13:43:35

Forget the one night stand and sort your MH out, I'd say.

What you need to tell your husband is that you are feeling so low you've considered suicide. For whatever reason. The one night stand telling can wait.

Have you spoken to your GP? Or do you already have a MH team worker? You should speak to them.

Alphabetbites Thu 02-May-13 13:44:15

It's a dealbreaker for him. He wouldn't stay with me and I don't blame him.

No, I'm not. I'm good at hiding how I'm feeling and I'm scared to admit it. I already see a counsellor, they do not know the full extent of how I'm feeling. I'm too ashamed.

No we don't have children. We'd discussed starting TTC this year which I think has made the guilt worse. How can I pretty much trick him into having a child with a lying, cheating bitch?

Yes, more than anything I want to remain with him. I adore him.

Thank you for replying x

Feckssake Thu 02-May-13 13:45:09

No. 1. Been there, done that, felt the guilt. If you are truly committed to your husband now, this is only going to break up what might otherwise be a very successful marriage. I know this is not the MN popular view, but I do think people can make mistakes like this and not reoffend. Give yourself a second chance and be a kickass wife.

It sounds like you're in considerable mental distress though. See your GP for a counselling referral and stop beating yourself up, love. Allow yourself to be less than perfect.

Alphabetbites Thu 02-May-13 13:46:18

not I have a counsellor. I need to tell him. He's DHs counsellor too (we had marriage issues a long, long time ago) and I'm scared he will tell DH or make me tell him.

Feckssake Thu 02-May-13 13:46:29

Oops, too slow, I see you see a counsellor already. You need to tell them the whole story. That's the whole point, no?! - gently meant.

Alphabetbites Thu 02-May-13 13:47:08

feck you've made me cry (in a good way) Thank you.

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 02-May-13 13:49:12

If your counsellor were to tell your dh it would be highly unprofessional of him and he could risk his job. If you think there is a chance he would, then you need a different one.

Let's not tell your husband eh? Let's get you feeling better about yourself so you stop beating yourself up over it.

Have a had a wee look at your other thread smile.

Alphabetbites Thu 02-May-13 13:49:14

I will tell him. I sort of mentioned the guilt thing at the last session but I couldn't bring myself to tell him the full story.

CinnabarRed Thu 02-May-13 13:49:46

Your counsellor won't tell your DH because s/he would be breaching his/her duties of confidentiality. And s/he can't force you to tell your DH either - s/he shouldn't really even suggest doing so - the point is helping you to come the decisions which are right for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 02-May-13 13:49:55

You need to talk to your counsellor. It would be very unfair to tell your DH just to make yourself feel better. But you need to unburden to someone in confidence and a counsellor is ideal.

HeathRobinson Thu 02-May-13 13:49:56

Could you find another counsellor to speak to about this?

Alphabetbites Thu 02-May-13 13:50:40

not thank you. I need to have a proper cry but I'm at work so I'm going for a quick cry break in the loo! I'll be back in a bit.

Thank you so much, I already feel a bit more focussed on actually not killing myself.

bollockstoit Thu 02-May-13 13:52:59

People make mistakes. You know it was a mistake and you feel terrible about it. You're not a bad person, please don't think of yourself as a lying cheating bitch. No wonder you feel bad if that's how you talk to yourself. Please don't do yourself in, please. It's never the right thing to do, for yourself or for your dh and family/friends.

JohnSnowsTie Thu 02-May-13 13:53:13

Agree with Feck.

I think given that years have now elapsed, it's best not to tell him.

Accept that you've made a mistake (you're human, you weren't the first and you won't be the last to make such a mistake) you've felt how toxic guilt can be, and vow never to do it again.

I'm sure the counsellor will exercise confidentiality...? I think you should him/her all - from personal experience it's like a weight has been lifted once it's all out of your system. At the moment you're carrying the full burden of your guilt and it's proving unhealthy.

JohnSnowsTie Thu 02-May-13 13:54:27

should tell him/her all

BookieMonster Thu 02-May-13 13:56:40

Before making any decisions on telling your DH or not, you need to sort out the MH issues. Please make an appointment to see your GP straight away. Tell them it is an emergency. Please.

Hullygully Thu 02-May-13 13:57:07

Don't tell him.

We all want to live idealised "pure" lives, but we all have stuff we have done/know about, we all have regrets and most of us have secrets.

We all have to find a way to live with them.

You'll do nothing but purge yourself and damage him if you tell him now.

Maryz Thu 02-May-13 13:57:44

You know, from a purely practical point of view, if you do go ahead and commit suicide two things are certain.

1. Your dh will not be free. He will never be free. He will always feel that he should have done something to stop you. He will have to live with that for the rest of his life.

2. He will probably find out about the cheating. Because he will be so desperate for a "reason" for your suicide he will hunt through your life and eventually if anyone knows, he will find out.

So suicide isn't your solution, either way. You are back to

1. Don't tell him and hope he doesn't find out - if you can "fix" your mh issues and learn to live with yourself this is an option. If not:

2. Tell him and take the risk.

It is entirely possible you would be able to work through this.

You can't carry on going to counselling, though, if you aren't prepared to be honest with your counsellor. It will be counterproductive, because instead of feeling better you will feel a lot worse.

pictish Thu 02-May-13 13:59:08

Don't tell him.
You would only be telling him to appease your guilt anyway, so you wouldn't really be doing it for him, but for yourself.

Genuine advice - keep schtum, and concentrate on your MH issues.

I wish you peace. x

Maryz Thu 02-May-13 13:59:40

Sorry, that sounded practical and cold, rather than supportive. It wasn't meant to be.

Have a few (((((((hugs)))))))

EmilyNugent Thu 02-May-13 14:16:44

I feel for you, genuinely, but I am going to go against the prevailing viewpoint, although I realise I shall probably be flamed for it.

I do see why people think it is better to keep this to yourself, but clearly the guilt is preying on your mind very heavily and probably the cause of some of your MH issues. Suicide is not the answer, though.

You need to try and get rid of the guilt before doing anything else. Try it with your counsellor. If things improve, perhaps you can go forward and live with the guilt and keep the secret. I don't think, from what you are saying, that you are the sort of person that will be able to do so. However, exploring it with your counsellor may clarify this.

My concern is if you TTC, have a child, and THEN decide to unburden yourself because you can't live with it any more. Or your husband finds out (and sometimes, it does come to light, even if you think it won't - been there, seen it, and it's devastating). If you are sure it would be a dealbreaker for him, and he would leave you, then he will also leave your child and that would be very unfair.

Generally I realise I am in the minority on MN with this view, but I don't believe in hiding these things. I don't think it's fair to either party. I always think the other partner should have the right to decide whether to work things out or let them go in matters that you know are dealbreakers.

ElizaDoLots Thu 02-May-13 14:55:42

What would your husband say if you killed yourself and he later found this on Mumsnet?

I'm pretty sure it would be something along the lines of 'why in the hell didn't she tell me - I would have forgiven rather than have her dead'.

I'm with Maryz - Option 1 and Option 2 are your only options. If you do decide to tell, maybe you could tell him with your counsellor's support and work through with both of you and your counsellor.

I hope you are OK and feeling a bit better after your cry.

Charbon Thu 02-May-13 14:56:33

This is one of those situations where one size doesn't fit all, which is why honesty with the counsellor is essential. There is no way the counsellor will betray that confidence.

Bear in mind this:

Some people cannot live with the guilt and it has a corrosive effect on both the individual, the relationship and the unknowing spouse. Some secret keepers stay in relationships for too long out of guilt, find themselves overlooking poor partner behaviour or if this isn't an issue, find that sexual attraction/intimacy is difficult because of the secret.

Some people forgive themselves for the mistake, learn from what led to previous poor behaviour choices and don't let it affect themselves personally, their relationship or the unknowing partner.

Some people find themselves in the same situation again more easily next time because the taboo has gone and because they did no work on themselves.

Some partners would rather not know if there was a one-off, never-to-be repeated act of infidelity and the relationship and both people in it aren't suffering any effects because of it. Fewer people (but they do exist) would rather not know about even serial infidelities.

Some people would rather know and be given the choice whether to forgive or end the relationship.

Most people don't have a clue what they would actually do if they discovered infidelity, despite previous certainty that it would mean the relationship was over. It is one of those situations when theory and practice rarely match.

Regardless of the very plausible reasons given for not burdening someone else with one's own guilt, one of the biggest reasons why people don't tell is not altruism. It's self-protection and not wanting to incur any personal losses.

Every individual and every relationship is different. Only you know your own character and behaviour though - in reality you might think you know how your husband would respond but you really won't until it happens, which is a big risk.

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