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I am right to say no to this aren't I?

(67 Posts)
Mollymom Wed 01-May-13 19:33:59

Exdp and I have been separated a month now. He hasnt yet moved out and dd doesnt onow anything yet. Exdp wants to take dd camping this weekend with him and ow. I do not think this is a good idea at all and want to say no. Am I right? The thought of this gives me a huge amount of anger. They willbe playing happy families I think

Skinnywhippet Wed 01-May-13 21:40:47

Half his age!?

Walkacrossthesand Wed 01-May-13 22:07:22

Emphasise that this is not about you objecting to OW meeting DD and being part of her life - you accept that through gritted teeth with lots of deep breaths. It's about handling the disclosure to DD that her parents are splitting up, which needs to be done sensitively, and the introduction of OW definitely happens after DD has been told, and in a gentle, phased way. This is going to blow her world apart and he needs to acknowledge that and do whatever he can by way of damage limitation. Tosser.

eatmydust Wed 01-May-13 23:19:05

It is much too soon. Please don't be rushed into telling DD you are separating either just so he can take her away for the weekend with OW.

He needs to understand that his priority is his DD.

Mollymom Thu 02-May-13 00:05:50

Fairly big discussion had. Apparently I am having it all my own way and stopping him from seeing dd! He said he hardly sees her now as it is when I suggested a gradual introduction to ow...He has agreed not to take her this weekend but he wants to tell dd next weekend and then begin introducing ow from then in preparation for them moving in together on 25th may.

Mollymom Thu 02-May-13 00:06:52

Skinny-yeah he is 43 she is 22.

Hissy Thu 02-May-13 00:13:02

DD is 5.

She can't handle all this information at once FGS.

It's not all YOUR own way, he's thinking with his DICK. he needs to leave it until a good couple of months after he moves to tell her about the OW, and then gradually do meet ups.

She is your DD, and his. If he fucks this up, he will damage her emotional development. I don't care how twatstruck he is, this is his little girl.

AgnesBligg Thu 02-May-13 00:14:01

Utterly bizarre. How can he think this a sensible idea? Just no.

Honestly, some people.

Mollymom Thu 02-May-13 00:20:26

Wish someone could get this in his head. He is very pigheaded and if its not his idea then it must be wrong. What can I do to limit any problems for dd?

SirRaymondClench Thu 02-May-13 08:00:23

Kick his arse out of the house and let DD get used to you two not being together for quite a while before even thinking about introducing her to his new bit of stuff.
What a selfish bastard! Men that do this aren't doing it 'for the kids' they are doing it to validate their new relationships. He doesn't give a fuck about DD in this scenario its all about his OW and him.
Absolutely do not let him take DD camping with this woman this weekend, it will screw her head up!

Walkacrossthesand Thu 02-May-13 08:20:19

Hang on a minute - he's in a new relationship but living in the family home until ... it's convenient ie when he can move in with OW?? shock How did that come about? Why hasn't he left to live somewhere else until he & OW move in together? Where do you fit in to all this?

Mollymom Thu 02-May-13 09:00:54

He wont move out. He said last night he will not go to his parents. All my fault he isnt seeing much of dd at the moment even tho he has been canping every weekend and is out every night

SundaysGirl Thu 02-May-13 09:10:58

Well thats just ridiculous. If he is still living at home how can he possibly not be seeing his daughter unless he is choosing to spend his time elsewhere?

Walkacrossthesand Thu 02-May-13 09:25:37

I do hope you aren't doing his washing for him...If he's out/away half the time anyway (with OW one presumes), why doesn't he get one of those 'city-break apartment ' places - rent one of those for a few weeks? It's simply outrageous that he's openly 'switched relationships' while still living with you - how did that happen?

Mollymom Thu 02-May-13 09:30:29

Not doing his washing or cooking any food for him. He has hardly been in the house other than to shower and change for a long time really so obviously my fault he hasnt seen dd much!

ladyjadie Thu 02-May-13 09:52:18

This is awful behaviour on his part. Did you separate because he cheated, or did this OW come into the picture after?

If he cheated and still thinks he can live with you while flaunting his new relationship that is disgusting. Disgusting! Is there a reason you can't chuck him out? (no idea of legal stuff)
He is being a selfish cunt. I think you are being entirely reasonable not letting your DD go camping with him and her. Too confusing, especially when he's still living with you.

Unfortunately as he is obviously such a self-absorbed wanker it's probably like banging your head against a brick wall to try to make him understand that.

LineRunner Thu 02-May-13 10:01:19

What a twat.

Stick to your guns on this, OP. He is off his head on a heady combination of selfishness and lust mania (sorry) and sadly you will have to do his share of the caring about DD's welfare for a while.

You were right to say no.

NotKathyReichs Thu 02-May-13 10:18:42

Kick this bastard out!

Your daughter needs time to adjust to you being apart. I assume he will introduce her to ow on the 25th when they move in together so he needs to be out the house now so your dd has a chance to accept whats happened before then.

You ex is a twunt of the absolute highest order, I'd leave his stuff in the garden, lock the doors (leaving keys in so he cant gain access) and relax.

Where he goes is not your problem.

Mollymom Thu 02-May-13 11:21:38

The relationship with ow started before we separated. We werent particularly happy anyway but I thought things could have been worked at. I posted another thread last week about him going shopping for stuff for his new place with ow when I am still waiting for him to sort out a new windiw fir dds room-he wants a mate to do it-been waiting for this since september!

Lweji Thu 02-May-13 11:41:21

Change the locks on this twunt and let him argue this in court.

He is not really living there anyway. It seems that he's just making a point.

NotKathyReichs Thu 02-May-13 12:21:29

Im just shocked youre letting him use you in this way! How are you supposed too deal with the end of the relationship and move on when he keeps popping back? In his head he has already left you and your dd sad

Change the locks, ring csa and start explaining whats happening to your dd before she has to go have overnights with the ow. He is taking advantage of you

DameFanny Thu 02-May-13 12:29:41

Is it worth pointing out to him that DD is most likely to be really angry with him if it's made plain to her that he's ditched you for someone else? Worth appealing to his self-interest, since he has so much of it?

Mollymom Thu 02-May-13 14:32:12

I think he will find someway of making it my fault like I have primed dd or something!

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 02-May-13 14:58:10

Molly, imho, he is using your niceness against you. At this point, why on earth do you give a s#!t what he thinks regarding "you getting it all your way"? He is clearly projecting his position on you (he is the one having everything his own way) to try to stop you in your tracks so he can go on having everything his own way. Stop falling for that manipulative mechanism...today.

Give him a choice this weekend: he can not go shagging camping and move his stuff out, or you will move his stuff out for him...and that'd be in bin bags in the front yard for him to pick up on his return. And change the locks.

Imho, you will need to tell your dd. He obviously Isn't going to do it. It sounds like he was just going to throw dd and ow together and let the small child "figure it out for herself". angry on your behalf.

KBabs Thu 02-May-13 16:10:19

Even from a devil advocate opposing position I doubt the OW (from their perspective) would be impressed to be put in the situation of this either.
I am mindful of and appreciate this "lens" is not a perspective either for OP or her DD concern but does form part of the current landscape.

OP I hope it works out for you and your DD sounds like you will be well shot of him and hopefully move your lives onto higher quality relationships you both deserve. Having myself had a father demonstrating similar behaviour with a number of OW when I was a young child, I can assure you kids can see through this woeful behaviour, not that I am wishing it on them IYKWIM.

<Big hugs>

Fleecyslippers Thu 02-May-13 17:02:46

Typical behaviour of an cheating wanker. And he won't change his attitude despite any reservations that you have because he and OW are selfish, self centered and think that the sun (and your DD) revolves around them and their new found 'lurve affair' hmm

The best thing that you can do is raise any concerns that you have in a calm and consistent way with specific examples of how his actions might affect your daughter. How confused and bewildered she will be and how adding OW into the mix so soon is the most selfish and idiotic thing ever (Don't say idiotic to him though cos that makes you the spiteful EX wink
I would force the issue of telling your DD NOW. Why is everything on his terms ? (Actually I already know the answer to that)
Your little girl is already bound to sense that things are not quite right. I would tell her as soon as YOU feel comfortable doing so because you are the one who will be left drying her tears while he fucks off into the sunset.

And after the initial upset, the best thing for you to do is continue to be the centre of her world, the solid, dependable base who is consistent and secure.

One day at a time OP - you WILL get through this but you need to get some control back over yours and DDs lives. He is an arsehole of the highest order sad

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