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Is the the right place to ask about sex? Desperate housewife needs help...

(22 Posts)
bumbleandbumble Wed 01-May-13 15:59:58

I am becoming addicted to my sex toy (rabbit). Anyone else? Any advice?

I prefer it and it always works (i.e orgasm). When I have sex with my husband the amount of effort he has to put in to make me orgasm is increasing....therefore I almost never orgasm with him anymore. He is often tired and stressed and it always seems to be quick (or at least too quick for me to get really into)

How do we have hot sex again? And how do I make him have enough energy to really try hard to please me? He seems to care less and less about my satisfactionsad

I cant stand that our sex is so short and boring but I dont know how to tell him without hurting his already damaged ego(he is having work/money issues)....

How do I wean off my rabbit addiction?

Lueji Wed 01-May-13 16:02:53

You either throw it away or add it to your sex life with your H.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 16:14:46

The trouble with toys is that they provide a very intense PIV solution which is difficult to replicate with a real live person. So rather than thinking about 'effort' to get to an orgasm rabbit-style - which makes it sound like you've got him banging away like the LSO timpani section - start a lot further back in the process with the level of affection you show to each other prior to sex. Means everything from setting aside plenty of time, knowing looks across the table, flirty text messages, foreplay, touching, kissing and so on.... and delay the actual PIV part to the very end, if at all. Would he be willing to give that a try?

Sallyingforth Wed 01-May-13 17:39:49

OP you are treating your orgasm as an end in itself, and the rabbit satisfies you because that's all it does.
Start treating the orgasm as just the end of a much longer session of making love. You need to spend much more time pleasuring each other. If your DH is genuinely too tired to enjoy that, you are going to going to have to deal with the underlying stress problem first.

bumbleandbumble Sat 04-May-13 23:33:36

Yes of course I agree. I want longer sex...more foreplay, more flirting, more time pleasuring, etc...

But I cant seem to get him to do this. That is my problem. He is so tired and stressed about money that he barely manages a short session and for him this is enough. He acts like I should be happy at least getting a little bit of intimate time as compared to none at all.

But I am not happy. Even though we have tons of sex, its is not that great for me. Every time I try to approach it with him he gets defensive and says "You should be happy with the amount you are already getting. I cant give any more I am tired"

Darkesteyes Sat 04-May-13 23:45:11

Its what hes not saying thats glaring out at me "You should be happy with the amount you are getting because you are a woman and you women just dont need sex really

Darkesteyes Sat 04-May-13 23:47:53

How would he feel if halfway through... say ... a blow job you got up and said I cant finish. Sorry I am tired. And then you replied "Well you should be happy to get a blow job at all."

I bet he would be saying the same as you.

bumbleandbumble Sat 04-May-13 23:58:02

yes exactly dark! he even sometimes teases me about "always wanting sex"

I have a high sex drive. I love sex...i am not going to apologise for that.
I hate how society seems to push this idea of men wanting sex.

I cant tell you the amount of times I have gotten "not tonight honey I am knackered"
Thats ok, I love him in so many other ways...I just wish he was as into it as me and wanted more intense longer amazing sex....he says its fine how it is...

Darkesteyes Sun 05-May-13 00:02:36

bumble i found a VERY interesting article on this on the Jezebel site I will link it here so that you can read it.

bumble my DH hasnt slept with me for 17 years and i have had one affair. I know where you are coming from and from what you have posted here i can see your DH starting down the same road.

Darkesteyes Sun 05-May-13 00:08:14

Shockingly, trite sexist notions about female desire are inaccurate.....

jezebel.com/shockingly-trite-sexist-notions-about-female-desire-ar-484371788

BarredfromhavingStella Sun 05-May-13 01:14:04

Step away from the rabbit & remind yourself why you like actual cock??? hmm

Darkesteyes Sun 05-May-13 01:24:02

Barred there are other problems going on here apart from the OPs vibrator use.

Darkesteyes Sun 05-May-13 01:25:12

"he sometimes teases me about always wanting sex"

This sounds to me like a subtle form of slut shaming.

Darkesteyes Sun 05-May-13 01:25:57

Im not saying that vibrator use is a problem btw I own one myself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 05-May-13 06:30:18

If you've explained you need a more complete experience (which would be enjoyable for everyone, of course) and, rather than try to accommodate this, he thinks you should be 'grateful' for something half-hearted and second-rate.... then you've got a serious problem as a couple.

If he's tired all the time, tell him to see a GP. If there is money stress (debts?), work together with him to resolve the problems and, as far as the sex is concerned, go for 'quality' rather than quantity.

bumbleandbumble Mon 06-May-13 15:49:03

He will not go to a GP unless he is dying.

If i could work with him to solve our money problems....well I would not have money problems (and I am desperately trying to find a job that pays more that the childcare and can't)

Yes I want quality not quantity....but he doesnt it seems!

Darkesteyes Mon 06-May-13 17:16:09

Ah bumble if he thinks that ONLY your wage should pay for the childcare then he is being financially abusive too.
If you want a job then yours is NOT the only wage that pays for the childcare. His wages should contribute towards the childcare too. Its a joint expense.
Honestly i think you should LTB. You will get free time while he has his access to the kids. He will have to pay Child Support and you will be free to find someone who treats you with love and respect and fulfills your needs both in and out of bed in the way you deserve.

bumbleandbumble Thu 09-May-13 08:56:40

oh my! He doesnt think my wage should pay. Thats how I see it. I am not going to work my hardest and leave my babies for a wage that doesnt help contribute significantly to the household money. Our money and bills is all one big pot.

He does treat me with love and respect. My marriage is fine! I am simply trying to figure out how I can have more orgasms and a more intense love life after many years in a relationship. I did not post this to analyse my marriage!

The slut shaming he says, is many times in jest. He teases me, but of course likes the fact that I want to have sex with him all the time. I was just trying to see how I can sensitively tell him I want more and how I can bring my beloved rabbit in with us somehow...or how I can have more 'hot, intense quality sex"...

I have posted many times in this forum..usually I get great advice, help. But it seems in the relationship talk...all anyone ever says is "leave the bastard!"
Sorry but I believe in working through problems, not divorcing at every rough patch!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 09-May-13 09:03:58

OP, how long has he been tired?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Thu 09-May-13 09:24:30

Are you able to get a babysitter and go on a date? Or go and stay overnight somewhere? Give him more space to switch off from work and switch on to being a couple?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 09-May-13 09:37:49

"He will not go to a GP unless he is dying. "

I know you don't want to hear 'LTB' and that's not at all what I'm saying. However, in any relationship, the individuals are responsible for their own behaviour, not each other's. So if he is tired all the time and this is having a detrimental effect on your sex-life it is his responsibility - and he should be willing to do this if he genuinely loves and respects you - to see if there is a medical reason behind it. Otherwise it becomes a case of 'I'm tired, I'm not going to deal with it and you're just going to have to lump it'.... which is a pretty poor attitude.

Same applies to financial problems. Any couple can have money worries and the the mature, responsible approach in a loving relationship is to discuss, plan and find a way to ease the problem. Sticking heads in sand is another version of 'I'm not going to deal with it so lump it'... and it's quite disrespectful, not to say stupid.

So not 'LTB' or recommending divorcing at a rough patch but simply saying that his current approach to quite a few things run contrary to the idea of him treating you with 'love and respect'

bumbleandbumble Sat 11-May-13 09:33:54

we have a event for next week, which hopefully will help, but its more of a socialising work thing for us. I plan on being super sexy and flirty anyway with him and maybe we can have a drink alone after. smile

but unfortunately our lack of money, really keeps going out to a minimum. One of us goes, we cant afford a sitter...and we have no family to help.

I do think he buries his head a little. but he is trying. I also think money/work issues are making him depressed or at least harming his libido. I still think this is common in men, and I am not wanting to attack him for feeling this way. I am just trying for him to see that sex is an important part of our relationship..

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