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Husband left me after 30 years

(162 Posts)
sadkaren2 Wed 01-May-13 11:34:41

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

My husband has just left me. We have been together for over 30 years, married for 7.

He has been working in Edinburgh for 2 years (flies back every Friday) as he is a consultant. We live in Essex.

He rang me and told me he had met someone else, and was not coming home again. She is 35, has 2 kids, and he has been seeing her for a year.

He said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore at all – all communication must be via email.

He also said he hasn’t loved me for years – not even when we got married – he just “went along with it”. He says he loves me like a sister. He never sais anything was wrong. But he would ring me 3 times a day and tell me that he loved me. I had noticed he had been a bit distant, but thought that was due to tiredness. He was due to be coming home permanently at the end of May.

I have since found he has spent a fortune on his girlfriend, including paying a £9,500 tax bill for her, and over £1,000 on Valentines night.

I don’t work, and haven’t done for a number of years. We were having IVF, when I was discovered to have cancer. My last op was 18 months ago, and I am recovering well. Before that, I was the major earner in the relationship.

He is 49, and I am 48.

He has also taken for £100,000 worth of shared goods from the house, tho he says he will return them if “the settlement says so”. He left most of his personal stuff. He won’t discuss money or almost anything, and just seems to want to live a life in Scotland and forget about me.

I don’t know what to do, I am so lost. He was my best friend, and I am still so in love with him. I just miss him so much. I just spend all day crying. I just want to stop the pain.


Mosman Thu 26-Sep-13 13:53:12

Six months is a life time in this situation .... Tiny baby steps and each hour as it comes. Surround yourself with sensible people and listen to them :-)

Sorry to hear that, sssosad. You might find it helpful to start your own thread if you would like some support. xx

sssosad Thu 26-Sep-13 13:05:10

how are you now? I'm 4weeks in an can't believe it will improve? how do you breathe?

sssosad Thu 26-Sep-13 13:04:02

hello, how are you all doing after 6months? my husband of 32 years left me four weeks ago. I can't breathe.

cjel Mon 13-May-13 12:41:10

Karen how are you today? have you managed to access any help?x

captainmummy Mon 13-May-13 12:16:55

SadKaren - have you seen a solicitor? Honestly - it is not a case of him 'giving' you anything, it's to do with your entitlement. you've lost a good way of life, a decent income, to say nothing of the years you've had togther. It's not up to him how much you get. It's all a legal process; get a good team behind you. It won't ease the pain in your heart, but at least you know you are not going to just roll over a disppear.

cjel Sun 12-May-13 18:55:11

I think it will as well, i kept going to work in our office to try and 'help' him and we got on really well while i was there but i realised within weeks that it was actually like picking a scab every time i saw him even thought i was comforted by seeing him as well. the hurt had chance to get better when i cut out seeing him I haven't seen him for 9 months now and still have times when I want to tell him something or miss him but I definately think no contact is better especially if he is starting to threaten you as well. let someone else deal with the threats(my solicitor was brilliant she said a llot of her work was relational not legal)
How you feeling? have you got rl support?

sadkaren2 Sun 12-May-13 18:47:13

I have taken your advice and cut off contact with him.
He was trying to manipulate me, and threatened to cut off what money he was giving me.
I feel very sad again - his email messages were a bit of a "lifeline" to him, but I think in the long run it will be better for me.

mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 11:55:13

Hello Karen. you sounded a lot more positive, being active and getting the ball rolling financial wise. I hope you have a lot of support with you.x

cjel Sat 11-May-13 09:03:50

springy- praying got me through some times!! How are you today Karen haven't heard for a couple of days, are you ok?

springykitsch Fri 10-May-13 09:22:18

oh, and I'm a pray-er. Well, not words - couldn't find any words tbh. Still can't really. No matter, God can cope smile

springykitsch Fri 10-May-13 09:10:27

I've had a 'bereavement' of sorts in that I have lost my kids (not died) - NC. It is not as acute in one way but in another way it is. I would have to say, though, that it doesn't compare to a real bereavement. It is mad to compare but death is so appalling it just doesn't compare. That is not to say that the pain of being left in this cowardly way is not immensely, unbearably painful. My heart goes out to you.

ime it's been 18 months now and I am beginning to feel more human. I had to write off the first year because I was utterly bereft and unable to function. the one thing I would say is give it time. If you are not ready to deal with eg the divorce then don't until you are stronger.

I also cancelled FB etc and don't go looking for info. It is so painful when you hear things and sets you back so badly. in my case there has been huge betrayal(s) and it takes time to adjust to the immense loss. Time really is a healer imo. I am amazed that I seem to be resurfacing - I never thought I could.

If you are not sleeping, please get on ADs to sort that out. YOu are dealing with trauma and you have to get appropriate support. I also (finally!) have counselling and, although I have been a mess and I don't seem to be getting anywhere particularly concrete, it is having someone in my corner that has been so helpful.

cjel Fri 10-May-13 08:37:10

Morning Karen. 'blows' really are aren't they? like a punch, its a good word. It is so hard to start to realise that they have a new life in which we are not included but their plans for their future are skewed and involve keeping every thing they had before and adding to it with what ow has. He has to be made to recognise that he can't have everything he wants and that he does have a responsibility to finishing his old life with you in a decent manner. The only way they will realise is to get solicitors to deal with the financial split. It may be the first time they have to step out of the dream bubble they are in and face the reality of what they've done. My H was suprised that my solicitor hadn't got back to him about the divorce and when I told him that I wasn't going to pay for it an dif he wanted a divorce he could do it he was shocked.2 years on and he hasn't!! I did everything - did up and sold our porperties,organised settlement agreement etc, he hasn't even signed it yet.I'd advise taking control and don't wait for any suprises.get things done so you know whats going on and take control back from him. He can't have it hisown way. Is he even supposed to give away your air miles?

AgathaF Fri 10-May-13 08:31:13

I agree with captainmummy. You shouldn't be talking to him about finances now - he is not your friend, not does he have your best interests at heart. You need to deal with this side of things at least through the most kick-ass solicitor you can find to ensure you get what you are entitled to.

Try not to get dragged down by the smaller stuff (airmiles). I understand it must hurt, but just see it as evidence that his commitments are elsewhere now, so all the more need to protect yourself financially (or maybe you could get yourself a flight somewhere nice whilst you still have access to the account?).

Your emotions are bound to be all over the place. He has betrayed you massively.

captainmummy Fri 10-May-13 08:22:21

Sadkaren - there will be lotsof 'blows' like that - he's moved on. In his mind he now has a new family, and you are the rather inconvenient baggage he leftbehind.
don't talk to him about finances. He will offer the bare minimum, and actually hand over less than that. Talk to a solicitor, get your maximum due from him. You'e been togetyher a long time - he should respect that. He is going to be as well off (if not more so) than before- he should not be.

You realy need to protect yourself from him. Go through the official channel - otherwise you are open to however much more pain he can throw at you.
MrsMc - how did your counselling go? Hope it was helpful.

sadkaren2 Thu 09-May-13 22:32:43

Thanks all.

My emotions are just all over the place at the moment.

Half of me still wants him back as I still love him. The other half of me just wants to be rid of him.

I am trying to get him to talk about finances. He is currently offering some money, but not half.

He will have a good standard of living as his mistress works, and owns her own apartment, which she inherited.

I have spoken to a solicitor who basically said that if I am not ready for divorce, then don't start it yet.

one blow is that I noticed he has signed his mistress and her children up to our Avios account (airmiles) and has spent some of them on a foreign holiday.

mrsmciver Thu 09-May-13 13:17:35

That sounds like good advice joy. Yes I do hope you are ok karen and that you have lots of support. It is such early days. Remember also to try counselling to see if that helps. And try to get out as much as you can, even if you do not feel like it, accept all offers to get out and about.

Joy5 Thu 09-May-13 11:27:29

Karen You've not posted in a few days, hope ur ok, its still really really early days for you. I think the best thing i've done over the past 18 months, is do nothing and just see what happens, no matter how many threats my ex has made to stop paying the mortgage, to go bankrupt etc up to now he hasn't. Know that may change at any time, but i just really wish i'd have known nothing would have happened during that 18 months, rather then obsessively worrying about it.

Hope ur ok, and if its not an actual problem today that you can try and sort, then just concentrate on getting through today, and whats most important today. xx

mrsmciver Thu 09-May-13 11:11:00

It certainly was not meant to be. People just get involved and then carried away with what is happening to them. I hope "sadkaren" is ok.

echt Thu 09-May-13 10:45:56

This thread is no longer in response to the OP, but has become a conversation about others' concerns.

mrsmciver Thu 09-May-13 10:07:59

I start couselling today! Maybe then I can make sense of things? See a way forward? I am really starting to hate him for what he has done to us. I am beginning to think he wants to keep the family home for himself as that also could be the reluctance to buy a tv, change addresses for works cars etc. Really would not put it past him, he has said he would not see me destitute but he has been such a liar I do not believe a thing he says now. Still only getting about 3 hours sleep a night, my eyes are rolling in my head. So worried about it all.

cjel Wed 08-May-13 19:47:17

I know its tempting to give them a fight bit IMHE 'quiet dignity' is the only way to go. I don't mean roll over but go through legal chanels and don't get into a fight. let them trip over themselves and gt in a muddle - they always do they underestimate us!!

Joy5 Wed 08-May-13 18:11:59

Thanks mrsmiciver, hes a total git, the papers he did exchange as part of our financial disclosures 2 weeks ago, show when he cancelled our sky contract last november, he took out another sky contract somewhere else. I'm guessing for himself and his gfs kids. told our kids he could not afford it anymore. Hes also spent a lot of money with our local football team, over a thousand pounds in the last 12 months, told our football mad son he couldn't afford his season ticket anymore, guessing the money has been spent on his gfs kids.
Like u i'll not trust him an inch anymore, its our youngest sons birthday in 2 weeks, just hoping he doesnt behave like he did on our middle sons birthday, giving him a card and present two days later.

mrsmciver Wed 08-May-13 16:23:21

Joy5 hugs to you. Yep your ex is a total git, taking money away from his own kids so it can then go towards his gf kids? No wonder you are down.

mrsmciver Wed 08-May-13 16:16:18

Cjel, oh I really do not trust him an inch anymore! I never did bend over backwards for him, would get really upset with him when he was nasty, but I was still always wary round him. I do not think I am a walkover, but was not a very aggressive person, would really try and not cause a fight.
But he has got one now.

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