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Husband left me after 30 years

(162 Posts)
sadkaren2 Wed 01-May-13 11:34:41

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

My husband has just left me. We have been together for over 30 years, married for 7.

He has been working in Edinburgh for 2 years (flies back every Friday) as he is a consultant. We live in Essex.

He rang me and told me he had met someone else, and was not coming home again. She is 35, has 2 kids, and he has been seeing her for a year.

He said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore at all – all communication must be via email.

He also said he hasn’t loved me for years – not even when we got married – he just “went along with it”. He says he loves me like a sister. He never sais anything was wrong. But he would ring me 3 times a day and tell me that he loved me. I had noticed he had been a bit distant, but thought that was due to tiredness. He was due to be coming home permanently at the end of May.

I have since found he has spent a fortune on his girlfriend, including paying a £9,500 tax bill for her, and over £1,000 on Valentines night.

I don’t work, and haven’t done for a number of years. We were having IVF, when I was discovered to have cancer. My last op was 18 months ago, and I am recovering well. Before that, I was the major earner in the relationship.

He is 49, and I am 48.

He has also taken for £100,000 worth of shared goods from the house, tho he says he will return them if “the settlement says so”. He left most of his personal stuff. He won’t discuss money or almost anything, and just seems to want to live a life in Scotland and forget about me.

I don’t know what to do, I am so lost. He was my best friend, and I am still so in love with him. I just miss him so much. I just spend all day crying. I just want to stop the pain.

karen

springykitsch Fri 10-May-13 09:10:27

I've had a 'bereavement' of sorts in that I have lost my kids (not died) - NC. It is not as acute in one way but in another way it is. I would have to say, though, that it doesn't compare to a real bereavement. It is mad to compare but death is so appalling it just doesn't compare. That is not to say that the pain of being left in this cowardly way is not immensely, unbearably painful. My heart goes out to you.

ime it's been 18 months now and I am beginning to feel more human. I had to write off the first year because I was utterly bereft and unable to function. the one thing I would say is give it time. If you are not ready to deal with eg the divorce then don't until you are stronger.

I also cancelled FB etc and don't go looking for info. It is so painful when you hear things and sets you back so badly. in my case there has been huge betrayal(s) and it takes time to adjust to the immense loss. Time really is a healer imo. I am amazed that I seem to be resurfacing - I never thought I could.

If you are not sleeping, please get on ADs to sort that out. YOu are dealing with trauma and you have to get appropriate support. I also (finally!) have counselling and, although I have been a mess and I don't seem to be getting anywhere particularly concrete, it is having someone in my corner that has been so helpful.

springykitsch Fri 10-May-13 09:22:18

oh, and I'm a pray-er. Well, not words - couldn't find any words tbh. Still can't really. No matter, God can cope smile

cjel Sat 11-May-13 09:03:50

springy- praying got me through some times!! How are you today Karen haven't heard for a couple of days, are you ok?

mrsmciver Sun 12-May-13 11:55:13

Hello Karen. you sounded a lot more positive, being active and getting the ball rolling financial wise. I hope you have a lot of support with you.x

sadkaren2 Sun 12-May-13 18:47:13

Thanks.
I have taken your advice and cut off contact with him.
He was trying to manipulate me, and threatened to cut off what money he was giving me.
I feel very sad again - his email messages were a bit of a "lifeline" to him, but I think in the long run it will be better for me.

cjel Sun 12-May-13 18:55:11

I think it will as well, i kept going to work in our office to try and 'help' him and we got on really well while i was there but i realised within weeks that it was actually like picking a scab every time i saw him even thought i was comforted by seeing him as well. the hurt had chance to get better when i cut out seeing him I haven't seen him for 9 months now and still have times when I want to tell him something or miss him but I definately think no contact is better especially if he is starting to threaten you as well. let someone else deal with the threats(my solicitor was brilliant she said a llot of her work was relational not legal)
How you feeling? have you got rl support?

captainmummy Mon 13-May-13 12:16:55

SadKaren - have you seen a solicitor? Honestly - it is not a case of him 'giving' you anything, it's to do with your entitlement. you've lost a good way of life, a decent income, to say nothing of the years you've had togther. It's not up to him how much you get. It's all a legal process; get a good team behind you. It won't ease the pain in your heart, but at least you know you are not going to just roll over a disppear.

cjel Mon 13-May-13 12:41:10

Karen how are you today? have you managed to access any help?x

sssosad Thu 26-Sep-13 13:04:02

hello, how are you all doing after 6months? my husband of 32 years left me four weeks ago. I can't breathe.

sssosad Thu 26-Sep-13 13:05:10

how are you now? I'm 4weeks in an can't believe it will improve? how do you breathe?

Sorry to hear that, sssosad. You might find it helpful to start your own thread if you would like some support. xx

Mosman Thu 26-Sep-13 13:53:12

Six months is a life time in this situation .... Tiny baby steps and each hour as it comes. Surround yourself with sensible people and listen to them :-)

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