Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband left me after 30 years

(175 Posts)
sadkaren2 Wed 01-May-13 11:34:41

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

My husband has just left me. We have been together for over 30 years, married for 7.

He has been working in Edinburgh for 2 years (flies back every Friday) as he is a consultant. We live in Essex.

He rang me and told me he had met someone else, and was not coming home again. She is 35, has 2 kids, and he has been seeing her for a year.

He said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore at all – all communication must be via email.

He also said he hasn’t loved me for years – not even when we got married – he just “went along with it”. He says he loves me like a sister. He never sais anything was wrong. But he would ring me 3 times a day and tell me that he loved me. I had noticed he had been a bit distant, but thought that was due to tiredness. He was due to be coming home permanently at the end of May.

I have since found he has spent a fortune on his girlfriend, including paying a £9,500 tax bill for her, and over £1,000 on Valentines night.

I don’t work, and haven’t done for a number of years. We were having IVF, when I was discovered to have cancer. My last op was 18 months ago, and I am recovering well. Before that, I was the major earner in the relationship.

He is 49, and I am 48.

He has also taken for £100,000 worth of shared goods from the house, tho he says he will return them if “the settlement says so”. He left most of his personal stuff. He won’t discuss money or almost anything, and just seems to want to live a life in Scotland and forget about me.

I don’t know what to do, I am so lost. He was my best friend, and I am still so in love with him. I just miss him so much. I just spend all day crying. I just want to stop the pain.

karen

GirlWiththeLionHeart Wed 01-May-13 20:26:33

Hi Karen, so sorry sweetheart sad

You've been given great advice up thread. You will get through this, it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but you will. Do you have a friend you could call and talk to? x

bunsmum Wed 01-May-13 20:27:13

Karen I am so sorry this has happened. It is going to be a very hard thing to do but you need to condition your mind as quickly as possible out of feeling like you and he are a "pair" or that he is your friend. He will only have contact with you via email? Well, you go one step further. You will only have contact with him via your solicitor.

And believe me, if you go silent now and refuse to interact with him completely, his conscience, his guilt, his niggling doubts whether he has done the right thing (believe me, they'll be there somewhere) will start to get the better of him and he'll be in contact again before you know it.

He has seized the power very suddenly and unpredictably. You must seize it back in an even greater way.

The way to cope with this is to designate several hours of every day to allowing yourself to feel sad about it - talking to people, crying, experiencing all the difficult and uncomfortable emotions of isolation and loneliness to start the process of grieving. But if you can muster 1 hour - just 1 hour a day of fighting this battle, you will be so pleased you did in a few months or years time.

piratecat Wed 01-May-13 20:32:33

he's rewriting history to make it all sound easier or be easier for his own conscience op.

I'm so sorry he has done this to you in such a cowardly spineless way. Mine did the same.

It's devastating, and you are not walking this alone.

Do you have children? xx

sadkaren2 Wed 01-May-13 20:36:32

Thanks very much for all the advice and support, it has really helped.

Yes, his mistress knew he was married.

We don’t have any children.

We collected rare books and games, which is what he took. Also some paintings. He only took shared stuff, plus a very few items of clothing. His personal stuff he left behind.

He had been planning it for about 3 months, I think. We were having a new bathroom fitted, and he suggested he move a lot of the books down to a storage unit we have while the work was being done.

I think a friend of his used a van to clear out the storage unit on the Tuesday. He always rang me 3 times every day – and he didn’t mention anything was wrong until the Wednesday night.

He had left me 2 days previously, but didn’t bother to tell me.

I do have a small income, and because of this he says he will not give me any money from his salary. He is offering £150 a month towards household expenses, but the running costs are nearer £700 per month, which I cannot afford.

I have told friends and family.

I did take an overdose a couple of days after the told me, but I think I am holding it together a bit now.

But the pain isn’t going away at all. I still love him, even after all he has done. How stupid am I?

Before I see a solicitor – I know the divorce and the financial settlement are different things – can I get one without the other? And how long would a financial settlement take? Can anyone explain please?

Thanks,
Karen

"the 'hasn't loved you for years' thing is bullshit. A lot of them do this once they decide the grass is greener elsewhere. Rather than be honest and admit that they're doing this because they are supremely selfish, they try to turn the blame on the person they're leaving."

Yep, agree with this. Same happened to me - I was told he 'hadn't been happy for some time'.

All an excuse to deflect the blame from THEIR actions. It's horrible when it's happening to you, but it's all very predictable behaviour I'm afraid.

You've had some brilliant advice on here. I hope you're ok, keep posting and look after yourself. thanks Your H sounds like a complete shit.

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 20:41:51

I am so sorry, karen

You will find your husband's behaviour here and perhaps a tiny bit of comfort and validation that you should not blame yourself

Get legal advice now, and make sure you are ok legally and financially x

I just saw your last post, I'm so sorry. My H also hired a van to clear out our house one day when I was at work and never said a thing to my face about what he was doing.

You're understandably in shock. Reach out to as many RL friends and family as you can, you shouldn't be alone now. I'm so sorry, but you are seriously much better off without this man in your life.

akaWisey Wed 01-May-13 20:54:47

Yes you can get one without the other. I got the nisi over a year before the absolute because the financial settlement took so long (interestingly because my ex's proposals would've left me shafted and he fought all the way).

That's why you should act quickly and I agree with the poster who suggested you only communicate through your sol from now on. He can't dictate what he'll give you. You have a longstanding relationship and it matters not a jot that you didn't marry until 7 years ago. Make sure your sol is well experienced in family law. They'll push you to mediation but make sure you reserve the right to choose the mediator. Ask your sol if they know of any lawyer-mediators they can recommend to you. That way you get a mediator who KNOWS family law too.

Allalonenow Wed 01-May-13 21:46:38

I am so very sorry that you tried to OD, but can understand why, and I very much hope that you will get the support you need to help you through this difficult time.

If you have a catalogue of the books games and paintings he stole from your home so much the better, if not, start compiling one immediately, if you have a tame bookseller/dealer, enlist their help now, gather records of purchases values etc, as this will all help ensure you get your fair share of the joint assets. Items such as this can increase in value exponentially, which is why he has stolen them. He has been planning this for many months, and is out to financially shaft you totally, my bet is that he suggested the bathroom work!

If you have a personal bank account move as much as you can into it ASAP, and freeze joint accounts. Give him no quarter, because he will show you no mercy, as his actions have already shown you.

Take care karen, eat, rest and stay strong.

Mother2many Wed 01-May-13 21:55:06

Oh...first of all, hugs to you. Yes, freeze joint accounts, go see a solicitor, do not turn a blind eye to him because you still love him... protect yourself.

I would even suggest if you have a close friend, have them go with you to any meetings if possible. (lawyer, esp) They may help you by keeping you calmer, and your wits about you to deal with this.

Sounds like he is out to financially protect himself. Don't let that happen. Don't let that money go to his mistress/kids.

You will always love him to some degree. Now's the time to think with your head, not your heart.

hugs...

skyebluesapphire Wed 01-May-13 23:37:19

Some very wise words have been posted here for you Karen. I have been through similar, XH walked out with no warning after ten years together, six married, 4yo dd. I got the same speech as you, I haven't loved you for some time, I don't feel the same any more, blah blah blah.

He left at Easter and I divorced him in the November. The remortgage was sorted in Feb of this year.

I have read the book about Wife Abandonment that AF has linked too and it is amazing what these men do. My XH was infatuated with OW. She's 32, he's 49.

These men are sad old cliched mid life crisis freaks.

Dies anyone have the link for the MLC script?

Karen, it will take you time to work through it all. Don't let him drag you down. I ended up on anti depressants and counselling, which has helped. I sat and cried every day. Twelve months on I still cry but not as much not as often and without that awful panic.

Do positive things, see a solicitor, contact council tax etc.

Google "the leaver and the left" too. It explains a lot about why they are in a different place to you and just can't understand what you are going through.

Remember above all that you are a survivor, that you are strong and that you are worth a hundred of him.

If you need anyone to talk to anytime please feel free to PM me.

skyebluesapphire Wed 01-May-13 23:39:33

All assets will have to be listed when you sort out a settlement so if he has taken those things then he should get less out if the house etc.
If you have joint savings then remove your share into an account in your own name.

skyebluesapphire Wed 01-May-13 23:46:33
SabrinaMulhollandJjones Wed 01-May-13 23:49:51

Hi Karen, I am supporting two good friends going through this at the moment. Get a personal recommendation for a good divorce solicitor if you possibly can. All divorce solicitors are not the same.

wonderingagain Thu 02-May-13 00:42:57

Solicitor now.
Freeze bank accounts now.
He's thinking with his dick and his new girlfriend is enjoying spending your money.

Orchidlady Thu 02-May-13 11:46:30

Maybe barking up the wrong tree but if he has taken stuff out of the house it could be considered theft and so could be reported to the police. Just thinking mean for karen hope you are ok today? getting lots of support from friends and family

sadkaren2 Thu 02-May-13 18:30:14

Hi,

Thanks again for all the advice.

I have talked to a solicitor and got myself going a bit.
Apparently, as the stuff is half his, he is allowed to move it where he wishes.

There is still a big ache where my heart should be though. I didn’t think heartbreak was real, but it is.

I have found his OW on facebook. The urge to send her a message saying exactly what I think of her is really strong, but I am afraid he will retaliate.

Karen

No, try and hold it together and don't message ow. It won't help you and will pray on your mind later. Big hugs karen, he's just another selfish sad old man and one day you will be able to look back and see just how lucky you are to be shot of him.

MadBusLady Thu 02-May-13 18:44:54

What a nasty, grasping man. Sounds like he's got a shock coming with the settlement though.

Have you frozen any remaining joint accounts or transferred all the money out of them into private accounts?

Did you feel the solicitor was on your side? What else did he/she say?

The OW is irrelevant - and very likely an amoral cowbag since she's done this. Don't give her the satisfaction of showing her your pain.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 02-May-13 18:46:53

Be the dignified wife - you really do not want to look like the mad deranged wife who is making her poor husband's life a misery, justifying his seedy and sordid affair.

AgathaF Thu 02-May-13 19:13:12

Don't contact her, she's not worth it.

Has your storage placed been completely emptied by him? If not, is it worth changing the lock?

Glad you've got the ball rolling with a solicitor. Did you feel comfortable with the one you saw? Remember, he is working for you, to help you to achieve the best possible outcome for you, so if you weren't sure about him, you are quite entitled to see another/shop around. Make use of the free half hour for this.

BobblyGussets Thu 02-May-13 19:21:16

Karen, were you treated for the OD? I hope you got checked out, because, as I am sure you know, paracetamol (if that is what you took) is very dangerous if you took more than you should.

Take care of your self, so sorry you are going through this.

sadkaren2 Thu 02-May-13 19:22:33

Hi,

I am wondering if he has told her the truth about my cancer, or about our relationship.

I want to go up to Edinburgh to talk to him, and see her, but he is refusing to meet me.

I think he has lied to her as well.

Karen

captainmummy Thu 02-May-13 19:38:57

Karen -my father did this to my mum, she was in her 50s, never worked; he went abroad for his work and met a girl half his age. On the day he was supposed to come back for good, mum had cleaned and polished and shopped and cooked and ....got a letter from the bastard, saying he wasnt coming home,never loved her, etc etc....
SHe attempted suicide toosad and was so desperate for him to come home that she didn't get proper legal advice. She hoped that by just agreeing to everything he said,he would see what a wonderful woman she was (and she is!)and would come home. She would have signed away the house, pension, everything if I hadn't intervened. I havent spoken to him since then, he is a selfish b* and so is your H.

Get proper advice. He cannot just take everything from you. Get angry.

captainmummy Thu 02-May-13 19:40:11

And to be honest, she probably wouldn't care if you've had cancer. He doesn't, so why would she.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now