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Husband left me after 30 years

(177 Posts)
sadkaren2 Wed 01-May-13 11:34:41

I don’t know what to do. Please help.

My husband has just left me. We have been together for over 30 years, married for 7.

He has been working in Edinburgh for 2 years (flies back every Friday) as he is a consultant. We live in Essex.

He rang me and told me he had met someone else, and was not coming home again. She is 35, has 2 kids, and he has been seeing her for a year.

He said he didn’t want to talk to me anymore at all – all communication must be via email.

He also said he hasn’t loved me for years – not even when we got married – he just “went along with it”. He says he loves me like a sister. He never sais anything was wrong. But he would ring me 3 times a day and tell me that he loved me. I had noticed he had been a bit distant, but thought that was due to tiredness. He was due to be coming home permanently at the end of May.

I have since found he has spent a fortune on his girlfriend, including paying a £9,500 tax bill for her, and over £1,000 on Valentines night.

I don’t work, and haven’t done for a number of years. We were having IVF, when I was discovered to have cancer. My last op was 18 months ago, and I am recovering well. Before that, I was the major earner in the relationship.

He is 49, and I am 48.

He has also taken for £100,000 worth of shared goods from the house, tho he says he will return them if “the settlement says so”. He left most of his personal stuff. He won’t discuss money or almost anything, and just seems to want to live a life in Scotland and forget about me.

I don’t know what to do, I am so lost. He was my best friend, and I am still so in love with him. I just miss him so much. I just spend all day crying. I just want to stop the pain.

karen

Finola1step Wed 01-May-13 11:44:26

hi Karen. Didn't want to read and run. There will be lots of people along to offer fantastic advice.

The most important thing now is for you to see a solicitor ASAP. From your post, he has planned this for some time. He will have had time to plan in his own head how he wants this to play out. You have had no such opportunity.

I can see that money is going to be quite a big issue here. Start looking for the financial ang legal documents for bank accounts, pensions, related to the house etc. Keep posting.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 11:51:15

Oh dear... what a complete shit you married! There are good ways to split and bad ways to split and he's gone for total cruelty. I'm so sorry, you must feel like you've been punched in the gut.

First things first, you need to get some RL emotional and practical support from friends and family. Have you told them what's happened yet? You need to be with people that love you and want the best for you.

A close second I'd suggest is getting legal and financial advice. If you don't feel up to it solo then this is where friends and family can help as well. He can't just waltz off with £100k's worth of goods (what is that a Ferrari or something?) and not want to talk about finances. Simply not on.

Good luck

Nellymay Wed 01-May-13 11:51:32

I'm so sorry, Karen, you must be feeling devastated. I agree with Finola see a solicitor asap. This isn't about you, you are not a bad or unpleasant person, don't even think it, Its about him. He sounds like hes being very selfish and unfeeling.

Nodney Wed 01-May-13 11:53:42

Hi Karen. So very sorry you're going through this. You must be totally bewildered. Be strong. Soon you'll move on from being sad and start getting angry with him. Thinking of you x

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 11:53:46

BTW... the 'hasn't loved you for years' thing is bullshit. A lot of them do this once they decide the grass is greener elsewhere. Rather than be honest and admit that they're doing this because they are supremely selfish, they try to turn the blame on the person they're leaving. Talk about kicking you when you're down.

Hope you stop crying soon and start to find some anger.

Walkacrossthesand Wed 01-May-13 11:58:11

Oh Karen, what a dreadful shock. Gather your RL support around you - friends, family -, do what finola says about the practical stuff - you'll do it in tears, but it needs to be done, as if he had suddenly died - the shock and grief are the same, with the added layer of hurt that he chose to do this. Remember that you need to break the long habit of caring about him - he will be trying to rewrite history to justify his actions to himself, hence the 'I never loved you' stuff. Look after yourself.

Sadgits Wed 01-May-13 12:00:20

I did not want to read and run either. What a wanker, and what a bitch if she knew he was married. Get legal advice asap and emotional support from loved ones. It never ceases to amaze me what lowlifes some men and women are.

ElizaDoLots Wed 01-May-13 12:50:20

I agree with Cogito - I don't believe the 'he hasn’t loved me for years – not even when we got married – he just “went along with it' - he sounds a spineless arse anyway, but even more so if he went along with something he didn't really want to for THIRTY years.

I think he did love you, but is way out of touch with his feelings, is having a mid-life crisis and didn't have the balls to do anything more original than sleep with the closest slightly younger woman in arm's reach who would have him.

I expect everything will hit him in a few months and you will have a feeble pathetic man at your doorstep begging to come home.

In the meantime, I don't have any practical advice other than keep posting here and I am really sorry you are going through this.

Orchidlady Wed 01-May-13 12:50:57

Oh dear karen what cruel horrible man, you most be in shock. Like others say all the "I never loved you" routine is all about his guilt. I hope you have family and friends in RL, Def need legal advice. What a self entitled cock to say he does not wish to talk to you and taking what 100K worht of stuff shock. You will get great support here keep posting big hugs to you.

MumnGran Wed 01-May-13 13:13:51

Get a SOLICITOR !!!

x x x

Allalonenow Wed 01-May-13 13:38:28

My heart goes out to you karen, I know how dreadful you are feeling, and how much pain you are in, as this happened to me last year.

His reluctance to talk to you, just at the time when you need answers to a thousand questions, is his way of trying to control a situation he has lost control of. That he has not had the courage to discuss anything with you face to face, after so long together is despicable and cowardly.

Cogito has wise words, and I would add, secure your finances as a major priority, ensure you have enough to cover living expences for the months ahead.

Take care of yourself, try to eat every day, even if you don't feel like eating. Keep posting, you will get the support here to give you the strength to overcome this.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 01-May-13 14:33:03

So sorry. What a cruel bastard - talk about kicking you while you are down by rewriting history. He is doing this to make you look as bad as possible as the alternative is to admit what a huge shit he is.

Practical things - you need to start work on detaching which will be very hard as you have just been landed with this bombshell whereas he has already moved on mentally and emotionally so it will take time for your heart and mind to catch up.

Get legal advice - this man is no longer your friend and you will need to make copies of statements, payslips, pensions etc.

Get real life support - tell close friends and family.

AgathaF Wed 01-May-13 17:26:50

I'm so sorry.

Talk to your friends and relatives - you need some support from them now.

Get a solicitor's appointment sorted asap. He sounds like he is out to shaft you financially. Have a look through the house for whatever useful documents you may have - statements, pensions, shares, mortgage documents, his and your wage slips etc. Has he taken any of these with him, or are they still with you.

He is hiding from you behind emails, with his refusal to talk. What an utter shit.

akaWisey Wed 01-May-13 18:56:32

I can only agree with the other posters karen because they said the same to me 2 years ago.

You need to get on the same page as him as soon as possible wrt the finances and how you stand legally. Make an appointment to see a sol asap and take a friend who can be there afterwards to support and remind you of what has been said (you are likely to be in shock for a few days).

So, he only wants to communicate by cowardice emails? Fine. I'd cut contact until you have come through the worst of these early days and have something to say to him about how YOU see this panning out.

This is the worst part. Make use of all the support that's available - here and in RL. Don't think that people will get fed up, they won't, they'll be pleased to feel helpful.

And that awful, painful emptiness in your chest that feels like there's an icy wind blowing through it? I promise it doesn't last. smile

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Wed 01-May-13 19:11:49

Oh Karen you poor thing sad

What he has done is truly heartless. It still amazes me what some people will do to others.

He is a bastard, and although you won't be able to see it right now, you are better off without him. You deserve someone who really loves you and wants to be with you, not some shit head coward who doesn't have the guts to even call you.

I hope you can stay strong through this, remember that you are worth so much more, and MN is always here when you need us smile

Do you have children? If so, how and when does he intend to see them or (presuming they are old enough) has he told them?

What goods did he take? If anything is specifically 'yours' then you can log his theft with your local police.

Your OP is very brief so it's hard to know what the situation is - 100k worth of 'goods' is a lot; did he put things in a van? take them while you were out of the house? Is it money taken from joint accounts?

If you have any savings left in joint accounts then freeze the accounts - phone the banks and say there is a 'marital dispute' and you wish the accounts to be frozen. Try to ensure you have some money in a sole account to live on.

Sending you strength.

akaWisey Wed 01-May-13 19:31:01

Oh yes, I forgot that. Phone all the banks, mortgage company, utilities, etc (or get a friend to) and give them the date he left.

FarBetterNow Wed 01-May-13 19:53:04

Get a good solicitor.
He is a shit.
He loved you when you were the main bread winner.
He loved you when live was good.
He stopped loving you when life became difficult with your cancer.
You must stand up for yourself.
Do not let him walk all over you and take advantage.

My XH started a new life with a younger woman after 30 years of marriage. She is welcome to him - he was a shit too.

Soon your life WILL be better without him.

SoleSource Wed 01-May-13 19:57:08

Keep typing how you feel hete Karen.

You are not alone in your expeience, hete.

Trust us to czre, help, listen.

He done you a favour. He doesn't deserve your love x

StickEmUpPunk Wed 01-May-13 20:00:06

Hi Karen

Sorry to hear this sad
I've not had this myself so migth be silly to respond but it was the cancer that jumped out at me

You beat that, you have an amazing amount of strength on that basis.
You WILL get through this.

Keep posting. (())

Lizzabadger Wed 01-May-13 20:05:56

What a shit. I'm so sorry. I hope you have supportive friends you can talk to.

ShootingStarsss Wed 01-May-13 20:08:24

So sorry Karen, what an utter arse your husband has/is being hmm

Some great advice on here for you.

tempnameswap Wed 01-May-13 20:09:51

I'm not surprised you are sad - you are coping with an unbearable situation.

I have no specific advice I'm afraid except to reiterate the solicitor advice and to say that he sounds entirely unworthy of you. Things will get better even if it doesn't seem possible now.

Squitten Wed 01-May-13 20:12:28

Oh Karen! Your husband is a first prize twat of the highest order.

What a cowardly scumbag he is - he makes his new life off on his own, dumps the news on you and then refuses to deal with you anymore rather than deal with the repurcussions of his behaviour. Utter pig!

Get yourself to a solicitor pronto my dear.

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