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I've hired a private detective - stressed out - need a rant

(164 Posts)
ivmessedup Wed 01-May-13 06:34:18

On and off since August I've suspected my DP has been having an affair with a girl at work. We all work in the same building and have dealings with each other from time to time. In August I saw a text on his phone from her. Are u about?

Now, I've been cheated on before and as far as I'm concerned, this only means one thing. Why does she even have his mobile number??

Anyway, I challenged him on the text and he denied it in the strongest terms. I came upon them a couple of times in the staff cafe in the building after that, and sat with them, DP and I telling her about our DD etc. This threw me off the scent.

Fast fwd to 18th April. DP was out Fri before and lost phone. At work spot DP and suspected OW chatting. She walked off when she saw me coming and he was all smiles as if nothing amiss. However, I could see her through a door hovering as if she would come back when I was gone.

I pretended to walk away and, sure enough, back she came. Unfortunately, I turned back to catch them out but she had 't reached the room he was in yet, saw me, said hello in an awkward fashion and walked off in the opposite direction.

So, radar back on, I insist on taking his iPad when I take DD to soft play, so I can spy on txts (mobile data on). Of course he's not that daft. But I do check the contact page. It's open at her name. Not a list with her on it- her only.

Next I check the new phone which in the first week has only 12 contacts cos numbers are lost. Guess who's one of them, and under a false name too!

Happily DP has bought himself a crap phone he can't work and can't navigate to delete everything. Lots of txts to her, all deleted but unbeknownst to him, still showing on the log as sent.

Now, without concrete proof, he'll just deny it and say I'm a nutter so, I've instructed a detective to track him for 2 weeks. The only opportunity he has to be with OW is during work or immediately after (I always leave first to collect DD from nursery).

The tracking starts on 7th May and meantime, tonight I've found another part of the phone which shows the first line or so of deleted texts. "Work hard princess", "stay strong princess" are the two worst ones, the rest are just "coffee, cafe?"

Anyone reading this would be in no doubt, but I can honestly see DP still denying it. So, I need to wait for the PI report . Hoping they can get some photographic evidence.

Only thing is that's almost three whole weeks till I can challenge him! Need some support that's why I'm posting. Very stressful sad

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Sun 20-Oct-13 20:10:15

My first deletion! <well hard> grin

lunar1 Sun 20-Oct-13 07:56:46

I hope it all went ok op and you and your dd are settled now.

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Sun 20-Oct-13 07:35:18

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Gaaaah bloody spammers.

Did we ever hear back from the OP?

I hope she's in her new home and justice has been served!

Piaffle Sat 19-Oct-13 23:50:39

Sikasia, please leave zombie threads alone. You can't possibly be genuinely offering the OP advice as the thread is so old. Please stop spamming.

Sikasia Sat 19-Oct-13 23:45:14

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Sikasia Sat 19-Oct-13 23:42:04

Calm down pse if admin wishes to take may link off the comment then fair enough or i would do it my self however, my comment was relating to a post old or new who cares, my point was about the peace of mind and that not all partner that are thought to be cheating are!!!

PAsSweetOrangeLurve Sat 19-Oct-13 20:10:44

I have as well Imperial - this is the second thread that this poster has resurrected in order to advertise their services.

ImperialBlether England Sat 19-Oct-13 20:09:13

Reported, Sikasia - you're not allowed to advertise on this board.

Piaffle Sat 19-Oct-13 20:08:32

Sikasia this is a really old thread. Thought we were getting an update then!

Sikasia Sat 19-Oct-13 19:50:31

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

LivingNightmare Sun 12-May-13 07:59:21

OP - I've read your whole story and just wanted to say that I've been through a similar situation. My DH has had an off and off affair for 2 years with a 25 year single girl at his office. He did some very similar things to yours, for example saved her number under a different name and odd laundry behaviour. It absolutely sounds to be like he's having an affair (sorry!). My DH also denied, denied, denied, she was a friend etc and made me feel rubbish about not trusting him. You just know something is not right, I think and most men are not all that good at lying! I also completely understand the need for proof, I felt I had to have proof to properly confront him. I didn't got to the extent of hiring a PI but I did get quite obsessive about working out whether he was lying or not. I was lucky to find very incriminating texts from her - he couldn't deny.

Of course you can leave a relationship without any proof of the affair, especially if it is clear that mutual trust and respect is not there. But it does not feel quite that simple when you're living through it, especially if you have children together. And these cheating men mess with your mind so much that you start questioning whether you are just imagining the affair.

Please do let us know what's been going on and if you are ok. You sound much stronger than I was when I first found out. Btw, I just kicked my DH out finding out he was back in bed with same OW and have initiated divorce proceedings. It feels great to finally stand up for yourself.

bubblybottom Sat 11-May-13 19:08:22

Are you ok OP?

riskit4abiskit Sun 05-May-13 22:02:48

you sound really brave OP and I'm rooting for you.

The OW sounds totally cringe-worthy to be going with a man with such a big age difference - rest assured the majority of the work people with be laughing AT them, and will feel real sympathy towards you.

calling her a princess .....boak! You will look back and see you are well rid (although I cant imagine how much it will hurt like hell at the time).

you sound very dignified, keep the moral high ground especially at work (not that i could) and good luck!

Wuldric Sun 05-May-13 18:59:54

Crikey

MadamFolly Sun 05-May-13 18:58:24

How did it go OP?

LandOfCross Sun 05-May-13 15:10:23

I really hope it all works out for you and your DD.
Well done for being strong.

bubblybottom Sun 05-May-13 11:37:07

How are you OP?

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sun 05-May-13 09:07:29

Good luck Ivemessedup I think you are being very brave and have definitely made the right decision.

You've done the right thing.

Spend that money on a Spa break for you and a friend.
Sending you lots of strength for the future.

JollyGolightly Fri 03-May-13 21:33:57

You've made the right decision, IMO. The sooner you manage to extract yourself, the better. Good luck.

MyPreciousRing Fri 03-May-13 21:26:30

Good decision OP. Good luck.

BriansBrain Fri 03-May-13 21:11:10

Well done op I can't imagine what a difficult decision it has all been for you.
Wonderful to hear you may have a home near family.

The bcc instead do cc is a very good idea.

Keep strong x

Fairenuff Fri 03-May-13 20:58:30

Well done op. I think you have made the right decision. You know what he's like, you don't need a PI to tell you. Has he receive the email yet, do you know?

Hang in there. You are worth so much more than this x

Wossname Fri 03-May-13 18:33:23

Good idea on the blind cc. Might give ow a quick glimpse of what a gobshite he really is.

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