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Has anyone been left by their (Ex)H, to bring up their DCs alone, and actually years later realised they are glad that he went?

(251 Posts)
LineRunner Tue 30-Apr-13 21:26:50

That's it really.

After a couple of years on MN, I am realising that he might have done me a favour.

He was different towards me after we got married. (DD was just a few months old.) He encouraged me to drop my career. He had at least two affairs, one when I was 7 months pregnant with DS who was born prematurely. ExH is a fucking knob.

He told me he was leaving me as he was sitting on the sofa, and I said 'Pack a bag and go.' He did and has behaved ever since like I threw him out. (He went to OW #2.)

Yet he hates me.

I was meant to beg him to stay, right?

Otherwise I cannot make sense of the ten years of utter hatred he has expressed towards me, through at least five girlfriends/partners, that frankly I am now sick of, as the DCs have turned 15 and 17.

<have wanted to post this for ages.>

meglet Tue 30-Apr-13 21:30:42

Do you mean he is still giving you abuse after 10yrs?

FWIW I kicked XP out 4yrs ago and I never so much as shed a tear. We are better off without him and he hasn't seen the dc's in 4yrs, I intend to keep it that way.

kingbeat23 Tue 30-Apr-13 21:31:17

I've had 3 years of being single and no contact. Best thing fucking ever.

He was an abusive wanker and dd and I have a fantastic life together. Yes it's hard and sometimes lonely but given the option of him staying I know which I'd choose! wink

LineRunner Tue 30-Apr-13 21:40:58

I just don't understand why he hates me so much. Every email, every conversation about the DCs, has been like I'm something he scrapes off the bottom off his shoe.

He left me. So why?

LineRunner Tue 30-Apr-13 21:43:33

meglet yes I do have to have minimal contact with him because of the DCs. But over that ten years he has reported me to SS (malicious) and taken out contact orders he doesn't even stick to (stress).

Spero Tue 30-Apr-13 21:45:50

I read somewhere that if people feel guilty and know they have treated you like shit, they are more likely to then behave badly towards you as otherwise they have to acknowledge what a shit they have been, i.e. it is all about making YOU the bad person therefore they don't have to account for themselves.

That makes some kind of sense, but frankly, who cares? you are his childrens' mother, you have bought them up and if he can't give you even grudging respect for that he is simply a knobber and not worth your head space.

LineRunner Tue 30-Apr-13 21:49:02

kingbeat My ExH has contact seemingly when it suits him. You know, those sort of 'polite' emails and texts that men do when they think they are being Kofi Annan but they are actually just being a twat.

'Following your decision to make a decision to decide to approach the Child Support Agency to support your decision, the fabric of my life is now ruined which will deleteriously affect the lives of our wonderful children.... which is of course your sole decision...'

That kind of thing.

smokinaces Tue 30-Apr-13 21:49:40

Yes me! Ex left out the blue four years ago. I have a wonderful life me and the kids now, a lovely house, great job, I've lost weight, gained independence and friends and am happy. He may have the girlfriend and new child, but he's still struggling in all other areas. I am definitely a better person for having him gone. I see him every week when we handover the kids, and every week cheer. Biggest favour he ever did me.

BasilBabyEater Tue 30-Apr-13 21:49:54

He's doing all this harassment for revenge.

You stepped out of line, you uppity woman.

He will never forgive you for that.

Because he is mad. He's a bitter unhappy man who needs someone else to blame for his unhappiness and you're his candidate. You've become his candidate because of your failure to be what he wanted you to be - a woman he could control.

FannyBazaar Tue 30-Apr-13 21:50:07

Because he's had at least 5 girlfriends/partners and none of them have turned out to be better than you like he hoped and there he is drifting from one to the other seeking something better than what he threw away and finding out he was wrong and you, who was expected to wither on your own have thrived and are happy. That must feel like a slap in the face to him.

I too have a miserable ex who can barely bring himself to speak to me and has to resort to kicking up a fuss if I am 5 2 minutes late to collect DC just to prove how useless I am.

LineRunner Tue 30-Apr-13 21:50:36

Oh Spero tell me more. If I hadnt found MN I'd still be wondering what I'd done wrong.

BasilBabyEater Tue 30-Apr-13 21:51:12

And also possibly what Spero said, which is a more charitable interpretation and also happens a bit.

LineRunner Tue 30-Apr-13 21:55:07

smokinaces that's what I was thinking. Maybe sometimes he has to go first, and then you look around and think, 'I am breathing a sigh of relief here.'

Even though it takes a long time to realise that, sometimes.

ivykaty44 Tue 30-Apr-13 21:58:35

Oh yes - so glad and sadly the other night dd1 said I am so glad you are not married to my dad and we don't have to have him fucking our lives up sad

it took me a few months

he asked to come back after 10 months grin and I said you what ? get stuffed life is good now piss off

LineRunner Tue 30-Apr-13 21:58:49

basil I do wonder if he's a bit crackers sometimes.

His utter hatred of me is dripping and seems, frankly, insane. Almost beyond normal guilt. It's been over ten bloody years.

My friend (poor sod who has heard it all) says he is bitter. But about what? My life has been incredibly hard for ten years.

LineRunner Tue 30-Apr-13 22:01:53

FannyBazaar He's meant to marrying the latest one but has told DD they can't afford it because of his child support payments.

It's like a Max Branning moment.

Spero Tue 30-Apr-13 22:02:12

Someone who can hang on to bitterness for so long, you are definitely well rid.

Even if you were the Devil Woman and author of all his woes - unlikely - at some point the healthy and emotionally continent person decides enough is enough and moves on.

I will never be friends with my ex but I no longer have imaginary arguments with him in my head - ok, hardly ever now - and I certainly don't continue to wank on about him to my friends. He is a git, I made a massive mistake, its over and that is for the best.

I think for your ex it must be about projection. He has fucked up his life and he can't possibly be to blame, because he is such a great person. So someone has to be responsible.

I also read that the most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves. Because there is no one to give us another perspective. I always remember that phrase and try to be very honest with myself about my motivations for what I do.

Perhaps not the same but I am very glad that I was not brought up by my father. I would be a very different person, I think.

Moanranger Tue 30-Apr-13 22:07:46

LR but that would assume your husband is logical, can see two sides to the story, has empathy, etc. clearly not. He is self-absorbed, self-pitying & at some level stuck.
I do agree with Spero though re guilt. I am going through this with my STBXH and am sure it is guilt, and partly to deflect attention away from him & on to me, so he does not have to think about what a shit he is.
Well. Rid. Of.

LineRunner Tue 30-Apr-13 22:09:56

I know what you are saying, TCTeuchT. If my (ex)H hadn't left, I realise that with hindsight I wouldn't particularly have wanted him and his arseholeiness around the DCs. IYSWIM.

My first exH left when DD was a few months old, for OW, and I endured 3 years of those hideous emails, texts, calls, letters, court hearings during that time, he and OW were even cautioned for harrassment. Then, just like that, he disappeared out of our lives. I was also wondering WHY there was such bitterness and nastiness, given he had left me for his OW. Since DD was 3.5 and DS was 4, there has been no contact at all - it's like he just gave up on the games he was playing with me, and gave up on being a dad.

I picked myself up, got a decent career going, devoted time to my interests, and have a couple of gorgeous, loving DCs now, and am really glad that he went.

Unfortunately, the DH I thought was my happy ending has very recently left, and I am 27 weeks pg with our much wanted and tried for baby. I am hoping that he doesn't act like exH. It is hard enough coping with the pg (and I'm ill with it), and the emotional side of things, without worrying about whether he will do the misplaced-guilt/self justification thing that it seems, from just the few replies here, is all too common.

I hope that in a few years I can say that I am really glad he left, and that I and the DCs are all so much better off as a result smile

Spero Tue 30-Apr-13 22:15:10

Sorry waves, that sounds mighty shite.

But if someone can leave you in such circs I really think you are better off without them. You know you have the strength to get through it.

LineRunner Tue 30-Apr-13 22:19:00

Spero and Moanranger, thanks for your posts. I suppose I have been thinking the same recently, about the guilt, but I am still a bit puzzled about how does a man let it drag on for over a decade?

Then I feel feel guilty for picking him in the first place.

When he did get up off the sofa, pack him bag and leave, he said he would kill me if I let any harm come to the DCs. I felt that I was staring at a monster. I had a solicitor write to him to remind him of that threat - he denied it.

So why does he hate me? Why hasn't he ever said, sorry, thanks for bringing up the DCs on your own so well, is there anything you need, how are you all? Why this ghastly, nasty, icy, vile stand-off? The DCs are not happy at all.

kingbeat23 Tue 30-Apr-13 22:20:54

Linerunner, it ended up getting a court order for no contact whatsoever

I felt bad for ages thinking my dd won't know her dad or have the same loving parental relationship that I did growing up, but the alternative was so awful my guilt has now turned to joy.

You're doing fine, you will be fine and your kids will understand (albeit maybe at a later date) x

Spero Tue 30-Apr-13 22:23:13

A decade is nothing! I have met people who hung on to their bitterness for a whole lifetime. A truly horrible place to be.

I guess some peoples brains are just wired differently. Or it takes enormous courage to take responsibility for who you are and the decisions you make. Some people would rather divert their energies into avoiding that confrontation with who they really are, in all their weakness and cowardice.

And once you have spent a couple of years doing this, I guess it must get harder and harder to turn the ship around.

But seriously, this is NOT your problem. Well, apart from malicious reports to SS.

Try to pity him. At some point he may have to confront who he is. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes at that moment.

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