Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why can't I stop thinking of other men?

(35 Posts)
DontGiveUpOnHope Tue 30-Apr-13 19:40:42

My and my partner have been together for a year and a half, I really do love him! We've been through a stillbirth and he has lied several times.

He is my first serious relationship and he was the first and only person I have slept with. The past week I can't stop thinking of other men!! It's driving me insane and some aren't veh that attractive! He's slept with over 30 people in his passed and when we first got together he said he was scared I would leave to get more experience.. I never thought I will because I feel fir him straight away!

Please help, will it go away..

Lueji Tue 30-Apr-13 20:18:27

Tell us about the lying.

You thinking about other men may be your instincts telling you it's best to move on.

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 30-Apr-13 20:21:05

Agree with Lueji. What were the lies?

meditrina Tue 30-Apr-13 20:21:50

In the past week? Only the past week? It sounfpds a bit sudden. Has something else happened too?

DontGiveUpOnHope Tue 30-Apr-13 20:34:02

I don't want to go into great detail, but he lied several times about his ex fiancee and smoking. The smoking might sound petty but at the time we was considering trying again and he has abnormal sperm. (We aren't currently trying anymore)

It has happened all of the sudden which is why I'm confused. He's been off work for 5 months due to his health, he's been fit enough to work for atleast 2 if then bit he as so unmotivated to find it. He's finally back on track looking for work (found a few bits and bobs) he's self-employed. But his health is going down hill again and might need another Op (abscess keeps flaring up in his bum. He just doesn't seem to be the man I git with.

We went for a romantic weekend away at the beginning of this month, we had a brilliant weekend but the first night he failed to get hard I was trying for 5 minutes... Nothing happened. He then tried to have sex with me saying it's hard and I could barley feel it in me!! I git off him nd he wasn't to happy, it was like I did something wring. Since then my sex drive is low and we've had sex twice, I feel like he isn't attracted to m
We went fir a romantic w

DontGiveUpOnHope Tue 30-Apr-13 20:37:06

He isn't attracted to me* ignore the bit below that my phone messed up! Also he's going through the gaming phase where he and his mate just game it like now and I'm sat there left doing nothing. It's like I'm nit here! When we argue he always says I'm controlling over the PlayStation and his 'bro' nights which is why he always asks before he does it. So now I just say go ahead not ask me.

Lueji Tue 30-Apr-13 20:40:45

It doesn't sound a great relationship, and I wonder if deep down you feel disappointed in him, even though it's not a conscious thing.
It may also explain your lack of sex drive.

He might be depressed, possibly due to his illness and being off work, so it could be worth having a conversation with him and see if he seeks help about it.

But it depends on what were the lies about his ex, which could well merit an immediate LTB.

DontGiveUpOnHope Tue 30-Apr-13 20:49:25

The lies weren't that bad, just about who she was and he has bumped into her a few times since we've been together. He hasn't cheated on me, she's in a long term relationship.

He isn't depressed, I can read him like a book. He's just being lazy. He's also put on stone or two since I've been with him. He keeps making promises and not following through.

Lueji Tue 30-Apr-13 20:58:10

Regardless of him being depressed or not, if you think he's lazy and not pulling his weight, then it can be a killer.
As falling back on promises.

You could have a serious conversation with him and tell him what is a deal breaker for you and that you will leave if he doesn't step up, stop lying and so on.

However, and TBH, I'm not sure I'd risk it, personally.
He is likely to revert to type once you get more hooked. Say, with a child.

You have given it a go and you are not happy. I'd move on before it's more difficult to.

GirlWiththeLionHeart Tue 30-Apr-13 21:00:00

Do you really want to have children with this man?

DontGiveUpOnHope Tue 30-Apr-13 21:14:08

I do, but its cruel. So I'm not.
We've split up 3 times since the new year longest lasted a day. I don't know what to do.

Lueji Tue 30-Apr-13 21:24:44

You do, you just don't want to do it. smile

DontGiveUpOnHope Tue 30-Apr-13 21:31:37

Basically, we aren't living together, don't work (I'm at college looking for part time work) and the relationship isn't stable enough. I personally think its very selfish.

LemonPeculiarJones Tue 30-Apr-13 21:58:46

Sounds a depressing relationship for both of you.

arsenaltilidie Wed 01-May-13 01:45:23

You've been together for only 18 months but you've broken up 3 times since January.
After 1 year the rose tinted glasses come off and you begin to see the real person. You don't like what you see.
Maybe you are just not into him anymore.
Time to move and not waste each ither's time.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 08:17:38

You're thinking about other people because this is your first serious relationship and your subconscious is sending you a message.... i.e. there has to be something better than this. Which there certainly is. He doesn't find you attractive, he's not working, he's lazy, getting fat, spends all his time playing games like a juvenile..... dead attractive hmm He may have said he was worried you'd leave him to get more experience but he's not making much of an effort to stop that happening is he?

You sound young. Please go out and get a life as an independent woman. Meet a few blokes. Shag a few, lose a few, keep a few. Make sure your contraception is bang up to date. Get to know yourself and then make a better choice of partner. This guy is a loser....

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 08:21:57

He's a bit crap, isn't he ?

You looking at other men is your subconscious telling you that you can do better than this turnip

DontGiveUpOnHope Wed 01-May-13 14:26:59

I guess I keep wishing he was the I first fell in love with. I'm under 20, since January my college work has dropped I'm getting the highest grades (well was). All I think about is will this relationship last?

All he has done is made the effort to look for work.. I have to ask for sex all the time, just feel so unattractive.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 14:34:47

You're under 20???!!! FFS love, get yourself away from this moron who makes you feel so shit. When you're with the right partner, they make you feel better about yourself, not smash your confidence and make you beg for sex. Of course he was nice to you at the start... that was his 'dating face'. Once he'd got you snared, he stopped trying and this is the real him. This is as good as he gets. Lots of lazy men behave the same way and you deserve so much better

So stop worrying whether this toxic relationship will last, do yourself a HUGE favour, and end it now.

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 14:40:31

< places fingers on keyboard ready to type >

< gives up >

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 14:43:55

Go on AF... stick in your two penn'orth. I bet the OP is a gorgeous young woman, wasting her life on this bozo. She needs your brand of tough love.

DontGiveUpOnHope Wed 01-May-13 14:49:04

If we didnt have a stillborn together I think I could of ended it a lot easier. I just feel weak and i cant go threw much more heary ache.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 01-May-13 14:52:23

Do you have any RL friends you can talk to? Did you get any therapy after the death of your baby? Would it help to talk to your GP? Could you be depressed? Would your mother listen? If you're clinging to the wrong guy just because you've been through a traumatic experience and don't want anything else to change I can understand that but being rejected the way you are all the time is making a bad situation worse, not better.

AnyFucker Wed 01-May-13 14:56:58

Ok. I'll keep it brief.

if this relationship lasts (and I hope it doesn't...for yoursake) the there are some things you can look forward to and here are just a few of them...

1) you won't ever learn how mind blowing good sex can be.

2) your self esteem will get further eroded, week by week

3) you will fail your studies as you put more and more emotional energy and brain power into trying to make him notice, love and respect you

4) you will be replaced by gaming

5) you will have your head turned by a fit young man (hopefully) and leave him anyway, but not before this pillock has leeched off you financially, emotionally and physically and wasted the best years of your life on nothing

Please don't get pg by him again...it will tie you to him for a very long time and it will effectively sign the death warrant for your youth and vibrancy as you struggle to raise a baby with this millstone round your neck.

Have you listened, OP ?

I doubt it

I am sorry, but I will be honest.

Your relationship sounds crap.

Your boyfriend sounds more than just a little bit crap:
overweight, ill health, smoking, gaming, lying, lazy - not exactly a prince among men!

You sound nice!
You can do a lot better than this!

You are thinking about other men because you are not happy with the pathetic excuse of a man that you've got! Listen to your instincts and move on!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now