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So upset, don't think dp ever has any intention of marrying me

(80 Posts)
Smiledisarm Tue 30-Apr-13 19:02:21

Long story short, dp and I are in process of buying a house. Got mortgage agreed in principle and found our dream house. Then mortgage collapsed because I'm not currently working meaning dp would have to get the mortgage in his name only. Theoretically we could still move into dream house together but then I'm legally in shit creek without a paddle if ever we broke up. I'd have no legal claim on the house, anything in it or any money put into it if ever we broke up,
So naturally I'm worrying, nervous and reconsidering everything. Dp doesn't understand why as he says he's 100% commuted to me, loves me to bits and sees a long, bright future for us. This doesn't help me legally and do I said I do sometimes worry about his commitment to me (as he can be unpredictable and analyses everything often shedding doubt on our relationship. He insists he is commuted and asks what he can do to prove that .... Isn't it obvious??? I feel so sad about it all, everyone around me is either married or engaged, we have never even discussed it. I have brought it up on occasion but he just doesn't see the big deal. If he's 100% committed to me, is it do unreasonable??

lemonstartree Wed 01-May-13 22:43:27

I believe that my DP is as perfect for me as you can get. I adore him and want to be with him forever; but I have been married before and once you strip out the romance, marriage is a legal contact with financial obligations (on both sides) You CANT get divorced as 'easy as pie" Its a complex , often painful, expensive and difficult experience. I also have this issue about vows. My ExH did not respect his vows and so we were divorced; but I still have an issue with doing the whole 'till death us do part' again. Because if DP behaved to me as ExH did I would dump him quick smart, vows or no vows.... so marriage is about TRUST, and legal stuff and money - and not romance.

DontmindifIdo Wed 01-May-13 21:18:42

oh, and buying a house is not a commitment to you, it's a commitment to the mortgage company and a financial investment. Not a sign of a long and happy future together.

DontmindifIdo Wed 01-May-13 21:18:07

right, you can either go down "the just a piece of paper" route - so just a registery office do, stress the legal side, what happens if he dies or you do, next of kin issues etc.

Or you can carry on as you are, but then you need to consider that whatever he says his actions are showing he wants to be able to get out of yoru relationship as easily as possible, so he must be considering that you aren't forever. Therefore, back to work as soon as possible, even if in the short term with childcare it doesn't make much sense, longer term you might need that security. I'd hold back your deposit and buy a buy to let if you can. It at least will give you something should he decide to throw you and your DCs out.

I'd be quite happy to tell him you are arranging things this way. He can't expect you to commit to him if he's not prepared to commit to you.

Spero Wed 01-May-13 21:03:08

She is not trying to force him into marriage, just wants a discussion about the future of their relationship and why he won't marry her when it makes her sad he won't. All perfectly reasonable wants.

But add this to he dog thread and the writing is on the wall in letters thirty foot high.

Pandemoniaa Wed 01-May-13 20:55:26

Marriage is supposed to be a state entered into willingly. There are plenty of reasons why people might be reluctant to marry but this reluctance doesn't necessarily mean they are incapable of committing to a permanent relationship. Also, imho, a marriage that you've had to force someone into will not make you feel any more secure emotionally even if it does tie up some legal loose ends.

AnyFucker Germany Wed 01-May-13 19:55:20

two threads and OP not returning to either of them ?

love, I know you are reading

listen

just listen, before you make a massive mistake

do you think all these women on this thread (and the other) wouldn't want to see a happy ending ?

they would

but they won't see it here, and neither will you sad

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Wed 01-May-13 19:40:57

Sorry this looks as negative as it gets. The reason you have posted is because your instincts are strongly telling you something is very very wrong.
ALWAYS trust your instincts.
He wants his cake and he wants to eat it.
Have pride and be strong otherwise he will always keep you dangling after him. He will always have the upper hand and be in control.
Please do not be fooled.

Squitten Wed 01-May-13 19:02:25

Just read your AIBU thread.

Your problems are bigger than this OP.

Spero Wed 01-May-13 18:55:56

So he won't even discuss getting the dog you want? Are you not seeing the pattern yet?

EvenBetter Wed 01-May-13 18:47:24

Judging by your other thread, he doesn't consider your dreams or views valid or significant at all. Theres a unanimous AIBU verdict saying you should run for the hills on just a few details, I suspect a more in depth depiction of your boyfriends behaviour would be even worse.

ShatterResistant Wed 01-May-13 18:26:38

Something for you to consider, gleaned from my own sorry past: is this long, bright future of which he speaks contingent on you suppressing all your wants and needs? (I have read your dog thread.) Also, IMO, buying a house with someone is a huge commitment, with potentially life-long financial consequences. That applies even more if you're putting cash down but name won't even be on the deeds!!

cuillereasoupe Wed 01-May-13 18:05:47

I'm going to go against the grain: his desire not to get married is equally valid to your desire to get married and by no means can it be taken as a sign that he isn't committed. But you do need to talk about it.

noddyholder Wed 01-May-13 10:03:05

Also why do you think he is not worried about the 'legals'?

noddyholder Wed 01-May-13 10:00:39

Wait until you are back at work and then make that commitment to buying a house together. Why don't women ever think of getting their finances etc straight regardless of a man? My dp would marry I wouldn't and he had to accept that for us to stay together but I do not rely on him financially at all and my day to day life from that POV would be unchanged if we split

Branleuse Wed 01-May-13 09:38:11

marriage is not a commitment. you can get divorced easy as pie.
people get married and divorced all the time.

commitment is trust.
if you don't trust he wants to stay with you without marriage then it holds no hope for a marriage lasting anyway

Branleuse Wed 01-May-13 09:35:47

if you care more about the marriage than the partner and the relationship, then the relationship is fucked anyway.

diddl - Indeed. But different values do not necessarily mean it's a "fucking cop out".

diddl Germany Wed 01-May-13 09:26:17

Yes of course we are different, and it didn't work for him before.

But it's a whole new set of circs now.

It wasn't the marriage certificate that made it go wrong, butthe people involved.

I'm not married to feel loved & valued-I wanted to be next of kin & for children to be recognised as my husband's at birth-not for him to have to declare that he was the father.

Living with someone wasn't for me & I met someone who felt the same.

That's the problem, isn't it-different "values"?

Would hint to me at being incompatible tbh.

BTW you can still be added to the mortgage even though you are not working.

Nicole007 Wed 01-May-13 09:22:27

If its just the legal position thing that worries u for not much money u can get a joint tenants/ tenants in common agreement draw up at solicitors which outlines who puts in what and who gets what in result of breakup/ sale of property to protect u given that u are not married. I did this before I married my now DH. Not expensive to do.

Don’t waste time on a man who at best can offer you a “maybe” to having a future with him. He may well marry again - but not to you.

littlecrystal Wed 01-May-13 09:13:18

I can also see his point even though I understand the wish to get married. Could you do some sort of blessing at church instead of full marriage, to have that white dress day?
I also suggest to get a job so you don't need to depend on your partner.

diddl - we are ALL different. If someone has a bad experience they are perfectly entitled not to repeat it, whether it's going on a rollercoaster at Alton Towers, flying, or marriage. Doesn't matter whether it is one year, three years or ten years. Of course it's not a fucking cop-out, it's how THEY feel and they are entitled to that, just as the OP is entitled to feel marriage is essential for her.

And for some, those vows ARE very important. Personally, I find it odd that people will marry for a third time if they have been divorced twice, as it suggests the vows mean absolutely nothing. I also have an issue with people who agree to get married just because the other person wants it, for again, it surely indicates the vows and the act actually mean nothing to them.

Some people DO only see marriage as a bit of paper - for them, being with someone who loves them and who they love is sufficient. That's perfectly fine too.

It all comes down to a question of whether it is a dealbreaker for the OP. If there is no movement on his side and for her being with him and in love with him without being married isn't enough, then she should leave and find someone who does want to get married, just as people would say if she wanted children and he didn't.

But it isn't necessarily a dealbreaker for everyone.

MorrisZapp Wed 01-May-13 09:00:23

I can see his point. If the vows etc of marriage can be broken easily then why make them again.

I'm not married. DP and I have been together for 14 years. We have a house together, and now wee DS too. We're both in it for the long haul. I feel happy and secure.

I don't know why women want/need the whole Mrs thing to feel loved and valued. I've got my own identity just like he has, but we're no less committed than our married friends, who break up just as easily and regularly as our unmarried ones.

diddl Germany Wed 01-May-13 08:59:31

But it has been three years!

And it is marriage to his ex that went wrong.

Doesn't mean that marriage to OP will.

That's such a fucking cop out.

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